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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2008
    Posts
    314

    Default My boyfriend didn't get my anything because I told him not to get me anything.

    When my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas I told him he didn't have to get me anything but it he does to just surprise me. Money is tight for both of us as poor college students. I asked him what he wanted and he gave me a list of a few pretty expensive items. In total I spent about one paycheck on him. He didn't get me anything because I didn't ask for anything. I know I shouldn't be upset but I am a little disappointed. I care a lot about him and like giving him things. Am I a terrible person for being a little disappointed?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2006
    Posts
    1,385

    Default

    No your not horrible. I've been with mine for 11 years and know better than o think he will get me something for ANY holiday. Then on said holiday dy after I've given him his gifts he is online finding something which makes me feel even worse. This is the first year I didn't get him anything for Christmas. I feel like a jerk, but whatever.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 23, 2010
    Location
    Lancashire UK, formerly Region 8
    Posts
    662

    Default

    You shouldn't be disappointed, provided that he shows his love in other ways or buys you little things at other times. What I really dislike about the holidays is the way that it formalizes our gift-giving into neat orderly "days" - days when it's deemed appropriate and even REQUIRED to use money to express how we feel about others. We're so conditioned to this that we start to question other people's feelings when they don't follow the norm. Maybe have a chat with your BF and talk about ways you can show you care for each other outside of commercial holidays.
    Proud COTH lurker since 2001.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,796

    Default

    No, you were being considerate of both of your financial situations, but him asking for expensive items, and then getting you nothing sucks. You deserve to be disappointed, but you did tell him not to get you anything. I would have just put a $50 dollar limit for both of you, and then it would have been more even.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    13 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2000
    Location
    California
    Posts
    8,265

    Default

    No, you're not terrible, but you got what you asked for - nothing. This is of course a stereotype, but men aren't mind readers and tend to take what you say at face value. If you only wanted a little something, giving him a category would have been good - money's tight, please don't spend more than $xxx; or, I'd love a new matching hat/glove set, or whatever. Sometimes you just have to spell things out. It was generous of you to spend so much on him, but to expect him to have spent a great deal on you when you didn't ask for anything (or specifically said not to get anything) isn't fair. Next time, speak up!
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran


    22 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    932

    Default

    Not even a card? How long have you been dating?

    I surprised my ex with a trip out to west to see his family for his bday. I dropped about $1000 plus 60k of skymiles to get out there, called his boss to get time off, arranged for friends to be there. When my bday came around 4 months later. I got nothing. Not even a card. When I got upset, he told me he had been too busy to get anything for me. We had been together 3+ years at this point and lived together, and he couldnt even be bothered to do anythigng for my bday.

    The next ex to do something like that turned out to be cheating on me. I got him a present for our anniversary that I put a lot of thought into. He got me nothing. Caught him a month later and threw his ass out.

    Maybe I'm jaded but if you have been together for a while, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm sure a lot of people will post on here an oppisite view. You did tell him not to get you anything and guys are literal, the fact is no one wants to be forgot on a holiday or bday. In both situations above, I would have been ok with even just a card to show they actually put something thought into the day.

    Now if it was the awkward first christmas and you just started dating, I'd be a little more forgiving. But again, you dont need to spend money or anythign to at least show you thought about the person or cared. JMO.
    ************************
    "I can't help but wonder,what would Jimmy Buffett do?"


    14 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    11,372

    Default

    It's okay to be disappointed, but you told him NOT to get you anything. So imagine his surprise when you got him something and he hadn't done anything. Hopefully, he's a little mortified too.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2001
    Location
    Trailer Trash Ammy!
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    19,520

    Default

    Men don't understand the passive-aggressive "Don't buy me anything, but then if you don't I'll be really ticked off" bullshit thing. Time to learn this once and for all.
    "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief


    40 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,714

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    honey, men are a little stupid. you have to spell things out for them or else they get confused.

    I give you exhibit A:
    I went to the barn today knowing there was a package due to arrive that would need signature confirmation. I left Mr. PSJ in charge of signing for it. I told him 'please be sure to be dressed so that when the mail lady gets here you can sign for the package'
    I thought all was well and good. NOT!
    Apparently the mail lady came, asked him to sign for the package, but she said "It wouldn't fit in my car, I'll bring it by later" AND HE SIGNED FOR IT ANYWAY
    *face palm*

    In man land I should have told him to only sign for the package once it's on the doorstep, but seriously, who would have thought she'd ask him to sign it without the package? really?

    Thankfully I have an honest mail lady and she did bring the package by 5 hours later, but not before I chewed him out for giving her permission to steal my box.

    *sigh, men*

    Next year (if there is a next year with your dude) give him a wish list of items under $100, and tell him to do the same for you.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2008
    Posts
    314

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jersey Fresh View Post
    Not even a card? How long have you been dating?

    I surprised my ex with a trip out to west to see his family for his bday. I dropped about $1000 plus 60k of skymiles to get out there, called his boss to get time off, arranged for friends to be there. When my bday came around 4 months later. I got nothing. Not even a card. When I got upset, he told me he had been too busy to get anything for me. We had been together 3+ years at this point and lived together, and he couldnt even be bothered to do anythigng for my bday.

    The next ex to do something like that turned out to be cheating on me. I got him a present for our anniversary that I put a lot of thought into. He got me nothing. Caught him a month later and threw his ass out.

    Maybe I'm jaded but if you have been together for a while, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm sure a lot of people will post on here an oppisite view. You did tell him not to get you anything and guys are literal, the fact is no one wants to be forgot on a holiday or bday. In both situations above, I would have been ok with even just a card to show they actually put something thought into the day.

    Now if it was the awkward first christmas and you just started dating, I'd be a little more forgiving. But again, you dont need to spend money or anythign to at least show you thought about the person or cared. JMO.
    We have been together for about 3 and a half years now. I know the whole horse thing can be a bit daunting to buy for, you know. But things not horse-related would be great too. My parents gave me some amazing tall boots, so its not like I feel greedy and materialist and want more. Its more that he didn't think about me at all when I put a lot of thought into his gifts. One of them is an engraved picture frame with a picture of me, him and my horse from this summer. Last year for Christmas he got me a great spa day with a massage and hair cut and everything which was perfect even though I didn't ask for anything specific.
    I mean we haven't actually opened presents yet, we usually do that tomorrow when my family comes over, so I guess it is possible he got me a card or something. But tonight when he came over and looked under the tree he was excited for his gifts and I asked about mine and he just said "oh you said not to worry about getting you anything so i didn't" and moved on. So I don't know. I feel awful for thinking this much about it and being disappointed.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,661

    Default

    If you want something, you need to circle the specific item in the catalogue or print out the page from the website, and hand it to him saying "THIS IS WHAT I WANT." Men do not understand hints or "oh, don't bother." They are literal animals. Think of it as talking to a computer. If you put "zero quantity" in your online Smartpak basket, you won't get the bridle. Ditto, men.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


    24 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    11,372

    Default

    You really have to ask for what you want. That goes for gifts, jobs, everything. You have to speak up. If you want something, ask for it. If you don't, then you don't.

    But if you DO want something and don't ask, figure on not getting it.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    7 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    11,457

    Default

    That especially applies to relationships. If you don't speak up, you can't expect results.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Dec. 23, 2010
    Location
    Lancashire UK, formerly Region 8
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    662

    Default

    That's counting your presents before they've had a chance to hatch! At least give him a chance to be pulling your leg before you waste time feeling sad about it. Life is short!
    Proud COTH lurker since 2001.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    May. 17, 2010
    Location
    Where humidity isn't just a word, it's a way of life.
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    769

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by saitou_amaya View Post
    We have been together for about 3 and a half years now. I know the whole horse thing can be a bit daunting to buy for, you know. But things not horse-related would be great too. My parents gave me some amazing tall boots, so its not like I feel greedy and materialist and want more. Its more that he didn't think about me at all when I put a lot of thought into his gifts. One of them is an engraved picture frame with a picture of me, him and my horse from this summer. Last year for Christmas he got me a great spa day with a massage and hair cut and everything which was perfect even though I didn't ask for anything specific.
    I mean we haven't actually opened presents yet, we usually do that tomorrow when my family comes over, so I guess it is possible he got me a card or something. But tonight when he came over and looked under the tree he was excited for his gifts and I asked about mine and he just said "oh you said not to worry about getting you anything so i didn't" and moved on. So I don't know. I feel awful for thinking this much about it and being disappointed.
    Wait, you don't even know for sure that he hasn't gotten you anything?
    Are you sure he's not pulling your chain?
    He could be waiting for the right "I know you said not to get you anything but...." moment.
    I wouldn't be so sure until tomorrow.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,527

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by War Admiral View Post
    Men don't understand the passive-aggressive "Don't buy me anything, but then if you don't I'll be really ticked off" bullshit thing. Time to learn this once and for all.
    Exactly. It boggles my mind why someone would say "don't get me anything" and then get mad when the person does exactly that. If you don't really mean it's all right not to get you anything, don't say "I don't want anything."


    18 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2006
    Location
    Fort Worth, Texas
    Posts
    4,520

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by War Admiral View Post
    Men don't understand the passive-aggressive "Don't buy me anything, but then if you don't I'll be really ticked off" bullshit thing. Time to learn this once and for all.
    Now explain the code to me as I am getting lost, I cannot locate my Enigma machine to decipher the message of Do Not Get Me Anything


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    May. 2, 2011
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    3,423

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    It's okay to be disappointed, but you told him NOT to get you anything. So imagine his surprise when you got him something and he hadn't done anything. Hopefully, he's a little mortified too.
    Yeah but...he gave the OP a list if expensive gifts she could get him. Either he's a jerk or very out of touch with OP.
    I think women tend to make excuses for men's bad behavior. Yes, they can be very literal however, most women know that. So, men in general, know that when women say they really don't want anything, they better have something under the tree for their SO.
    "How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?" Julian Lennon


    5 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 23, 2004
    Location
    Sisters, Oregon
    Posts
    1,909

    Default

    My husband is the most loving, supportive, kind, wonderful husband and utterly STINKS at gift giving! So I print out webpages for things I want and he picks one and gets it for me.

    This year we decided no gifts for Christmas and it is actually quite freeing.

    And I'm with the others, Christmas hasn't happened yet...he may surprise you.
    Kanoe Godby
    www.dyrkgodby.com
    See, I was raised by wolves and am really behind the 8-ball on diplomatic issue resolution.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,433

    Default

    He's either dumb as a post or he got you something good and is laughing at you on the inside.

    I hope he's laughing at you! Any person, let alone man, with two brain cells to rub together would have seen his presents and RUN out to any store that was still open to buy presents if he actually didn't buy his girlfriend of 3 years a gift.

    I'm reserving judgement on this one too!

    I hope you're very very happy with him tomorrow!


    6 members found this post helpful.

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