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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
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    902

    Default Decision time when your BF's friend is a jerk

    Apologies in advance for the novel:
    My boyfriend has an old friend who is a huge jerk. My BF recognizes this person's personality faults and has made peace with them due to their history as friends. He gets frustrated and sees the same things I do, but he is more tolerant to this person. I, on the other hand, can barely stand to be around him.

    In the past month, we've been around this friend and his wife quite a bit due to various social gatherings, and while I always try to make the best of it, I could really use a break from him. He is controlling to everyone around him, including his wife and my BF, and in the half dozen or so dinners/evenings we've shared with them, he has never asked me a SINGLE question about myself. He gossips about everyone we know and mutual friends/acquaintances are pretty much the ONLY topic of conversation that he will entertain. If I try to change the subject, I get rebuffed and he goes right back to the gossip.

    I told my BF my feelings about him and that I would like to limit my interaction with him, because when I am around him, I start becoming a person that I don't want to be. I prefer to not make room in my life for negativity, and have wonderful, drama free friends of my own. My BF is completely supportive of this viewpoint.

    My BF's bday is New Year's Eve, and typically, the Jerk has a combo NYE/bday party for my BF and their other friends. I really don't want to attend, knowing that he will treat my BF like a bus boy on his birthday at a party that is partially for his bday, as well as the fact that most of the guests will be friends of the Jerk, who interact with others similar to how the Jerk does. My BF said he is supportive if I do not want to go, though he would like me to be there. I do not think my absence will cause problems between us, we communicate openly and honestly and he assured me that he wants me to do what will make me happy. However, I feel guilty because it IS his bday and feel like I should suck it up and attend even though I know we will not have a great time and I will likely be pretty frustrated. My BF has been committed to going for a long time, so he can't just bail. I'm really not sure what to do....I want to support my BF and put the personality conflicts aside for the night, but recent history has proven that is easier said than done. I am truly torn between what I want to do and what I feel like I should do. Any suggestions???


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2006
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    1,309

    Default

    Ummm, isn't the WHOLE day his birthday? Celebrate earlier, avoid the stupid party. Let you BF do whatever he wants in the evening (as long as he doesn't drive drunk).
    "Oh, sure, you may be able to take down one smurf, but mark my words: You bonk one smurf, you better be ready for a blue wave."---Bucky Katt


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
    Posts
    902

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by RHdobes563 View Post
    Ummm, isn't the WHOLE day his birthday? Celebrate earlier, avoid the stupid party. Let you BF do whatever he wants in the evening (as long as he doesn't drive drunk).
    That would work, except I have to work during the day and he will be on his way by the time I get off work. He isn't much of a drinker, and will likely spend the night at the friend's either way, so no worries there. Our work schedules make time together challenging sometimes, so while I could celebrate his bday with him separately, it won't be until a few days later.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2007
    Location
    Central NJ
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    1,053

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NeedsAdvil View Post
    That would work, except I have to work during the day and he will be on his way by the time I get off work. He isn't much of a drinker, and will likely spend the night at the friend's either way, so no worries there. Our work schedules make time together challenging sometimes, so while I could celebrate his bday with him separately, it won't be until a few days later.
    You just have to make that the BEST birthday celebration!



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2004
    Location
    Left coast, left wing, left field
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    6,253

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    Don't take this the wrong way but... your boyfriend will most likely have a better birthday if you don't go to the party. There's obviously something he likes about his friend. Let him enjoy that without dealing with the knowledge that someone else he cares about is uncomfortable/miserable. Plan a great separate celebration and you'll both be happy. Win-win!
    Arrange whatever pieces come your way. - Virginia Woolf

    Did you know that if you say the word "GULLIBLE" really softly, it sounds like "ORANGES"?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    31,482

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    be glad that the jerk does not ask you stuff...less material to gossip about you.

    If you have permission to stay away, do so (since you have to work anyhow)
    and yeah, you can give him a birthday celebration jerkface can't even come close to!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2005
    Location
    BC, Canada - PNW
    Posts
    684

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    I personally think you could go with him for a bit, and go home after putting in your appearance. It shows you're willing to suck it up and be there with him for his birthday, but also give him a chance to enjoy himself without worrying about you being unhappy and gets you home for a break. At least after this upcoming occassion, the interactions will likely be less frequent for a bit after the holidays. I'd say give it one last hurrah, smile and nod and be supportive of the BF, and go home early. Offer to pick him up later in the evening.

    As a bonus, if you go home for a while before he's ready to come home, you could set up a lovely surprise and some personal time -- which would more than make up for any absence.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

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    Me personally? The key was that he said he'd like you to be there but understands if you can't. I'd go.

    But NEXT YEAR? No more 6 times in a month get togethers. You can skip all of those!

    I don't dislike my husband's family, but I don't like attending all their stuff. Hubby actually doesn't either but he feels like he HAS to go. We discussed it and our agreement is that I don't have to go, period. But that if it's really an important one for him, he needs to let me know. And when he has done that, I suck it up and attend--although I try to drive separately so that if I simply HAVE to get out of there else lose it, I've got an out.

    I'd go this year. BF is already committed to going this time.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
    Location
    Fern Creek, KY
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    3,010

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    My advice is similar to BuddyRoo's. Suck it up this year and go, drink heavily to keep Sir Jerkhead's comments muted.

    Next year, plan an awesome canoeing trip.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


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  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    AND....we have CANOEING. It's like invoking Godwin's Law, COTH style. Debate done. LOL
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul. 25, 2003
    Location
    Boston Area
    Posts
    8,351

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    I would go to the party and try to find someone there (other than your BF) that you enjoy talking to. My husband has a friend that I really could do without and have had to spend a couple of new year's eves at parties that I dreaded because I don't like the host much. Usually I have been able to find at least one person there who surprises me and I make an effort to find someone like that. Otherwise, maybe bring a book and retreat to a quiet place once you've said your greetings?
    Equine Ink - My soapbox for equestrian writings & reviews.
    EquestrianHow2 - Operating instructions for your horse.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2009
    Posts
    902

    Default

    Thanks, everyone. I'll suggest he plant the seed now to leave the party early and see what happens. I was leaning towards going, since its his bday, and maybe making sure I have an escape plan is the perfect solution



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2012
    Posts
    112

    Default

    Make up an excuse that you have to get to bed early (sick , plans in the AM, whatever),dress to kill and make a short appearance.

    Or bring along your most amusingly abrasive friend who you think may be able to get the best of jerkwad and set them loose to put him in his place.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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