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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Posts
    3,997

    Default The people lovers, plan changers, and boundary steppers

    Holiday vent. Anybody else have friends and/or relatives like this? The ones that want to be with ten thousand other people, want to change plans (especially at the last minute), and have no clue about boundaries? And that no means NO.

    I love getting together with people, but I much, much prefer smaller gatherings to big parties. When I make plans, I do not feel the need to invite every single person I've ever met, along with their brothers, sisters, parents, and third cousins twice removed.

    DH and I have a couple of friends that are great people, very fun and nice to be around. We go out (by "go out", I'm talking going out to eat, to the movies, or to do something else, not like out to a bar...usually ) once or twice a month.

    But.

    Said people LOVE to be around tons of other people. Lots and lots of other peoples.

    Every single time we make plans, they want to invite extra people along. If they're the ones making the plans, fine, it's perfectly fine for them to invite whomever they want. I'll go or not, depending. But if I'M the one making plans...they shouldn't be asking me constantly to invite others along also. Am I right about this, or am I smoking crack?

    Current example, we've had plans for awhile to go out to dinner on Friday night to exchange Xmas gifts. Then we'll come back to my house for dessert and drinks. Six people going/invited, including them, which is perfect in my mind. I get a text a few minutes ago asking if X and Y are going? Uh, no. We didn't invite them, no one has ever mentioned inviting them. And I don't have Xmas presents for them. Oh. Well how about Z? NO! Hello? Bueller? Anyone? Six people, not twenty.

    Then on Saturday night some mutual friends are having an ugly sweater Christmas party. I got the Facebook invite and saw 108 people invited, 95% of whom I do not know. Not really my thing. Plus there is the fact that I don't even own a Christmas sweater, let alone an ugly one.

    People lover friends immediately send a message, wanting to meet up and go to the party and blah blah blah. I tell them that I do not plan to go. They immediately start on the WHY??? You need to go! Lots of other people! Lots! Ugly sweaters! Lots of people! Fun, fun, fun!

    Still, no. I try to be polite and use the fact that I don't have the Christmas sweater as an excuse. Reply? Well, they think I should go out and BUY a sweater to go to this party. That I don't even want to go to in the first place. And I will in all likelihood never wear again. NO! N-O. It is a complete sentence.
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2007
    Location
    SE CT
    Posts
    1,009

    Default

    I have relatives that fit in the "want to change plans" category. They come down form VT, need to go to the mall, go visit this one-wait want to see that one, too, oh I want to shop in both downtown X and Y. Let's get pizza from here-no, I think we should all go out to Z restaurant.

    For about 8 years (I was a little slow...and trying to be considerate), I gave in to the "plans"...which basically ended up sitting around on our behinds "deciding" what to do-and then having whatever MIL had in the pantry/fridge (usually leftovers) for a meal.

    After that last year-which left me ready to grind my teeth down to nubs, I told my DH he was MORE than welcome to waste time with his sister, Mom, etc., however, I was making my OWN plans. If their activities fit in around my schedule, great. If not, so too bad. So, we get together for gift giving, and one large meal. I refuse to give up my whole weekend "waiting" for them when they come to visit.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Posts
    1,830

    Default

    I just had to talk hubby off the ledge tonight about the impending family gathering. What's funny is hubby is the extravert, and I'm the one who usually has meltdown at the thought of social affairs. It's all going to be his family. I guess that makes the difference. They don't push my buttons the same way.
    Let's see:
    -We know at least some people will show up early enough to want breakfast. We just don't know how many. That's what pancake mix, cereal, toast, and canned corned beef hash are for. People can go eat out if they don't like the menu.
    - Grammy has announced she wants to spend Xmas eve in our spare bedroom, so she can wake up here on Xmas morning. Normally we go to the barn on Xmas morning. Trouble is, Grammy can't be left alone for medical reasons. She also can't be brought into the barn, as she's too frail. OK, well, either we skip the barn this year, or we leave Grammy in the car and just make it a short visit. We can bring one of the ponies out to the car and let her feed it carrots from the window so she doesn't feel left out. The horses won't mind. Honest!
    -SIL says she might arrive late, but she won't define what late means. 3PM? 6PM? Remember she did the same thing last year, and the year before, and the year before that? Remember that's why I made stew last year instead of stressing out over a roast? And why I got out of my seat every half hour to pop another cookie sheet of frozen hors d'oeuvres from Trader Joes into the oven?
    -The grandkids haven't announced yet whether they, and their vegetarian significant others, are coming. Remember they did this last year, and the year before? Remember that's why the parade of hors d'oeuvres I pulled from the freezer included such traditional Christmas fare as pita bread with hummus, vegetable pakouras, potato blintzes, Thai vegetable birds nests, and parmesan rice balls?


    9 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2007
    Location
    Bawston
    Posts
    164

    Default

    Looking at it from a different perspective: you are loved and popular and a lot of people would be thrilled to be invited to a party. On the plan changers - different story: find grace or find a backbone. If you have moments of graciousness, you can adapt to the change. If you can't (and most of us can't), find a backbone and decline the changed plan.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 1999
    Location
    flyover country
    Posts
    2,120

    Default how about the commitment phobes?

    My beloved niece. Most wonderful person. Everybody wants to be her friend. She is a teacher, so she is off right now. Her Christmas pressie for me,will be to bring 3 teens over to help get house in order, [long story, sort of a one off.] This is a wonderful thing. It has been a week, nothing like a date. she has to ask teens, Will let me know. Maybe tomrrow....
    Another killer of threads



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2012
    Posts
    238

    Default

    To each his own, but, I never ever mind if more people come. I find it delightful and fun! I would love to get a txt and that says there will be more for the party



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    5,197

    Default

    Have you actually ever...just told them that you prefer smaller get-togethers? That big parties with LOTS and LOTS of people are not fun for you?

    When you attempt to be polite and beg off with excuses like "don't have sweater", they of course try to come up with solutions (buy sweater! Come to fun!). Ok, so they're likely somewhat dense if they haven't caught on, but if they're really friends you should be able to share your get-together preferences with honesty.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2001
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,326

    Default

    Agh, we have had this happen and it makes me insane. We invited a couple down to Palm Springs for a golf week trip. 2 days before we leave they tell us they invited another couple!! We were like WTF?? We didn't even like the other people. Then they asked if they could stay at the house with us. Ummm no they can't.

    First we didn't invite them, second we don't like them, third the house belongs to parents and we were given the go ahead for one other couple period.

    It ended up being a miserable week and destroyed the friendship we had with the couple that actually was invited. Boundaries weren't just crossed they were attacked with a Sherman tank!

    Love small intimate groups, 4 is good! Huge parties to me are just popularity contests to say look at all the friends we have! Whoopee aren't we special! When the majority of the folks aren't friends just people they happen to know.
    Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Posts
    3,997

    Default

    Wow, thread from a couple of weeks ago. Almost forgot about it.

    Yes, I have told them multiple times that I much prefer small gatherings and dislike huge parties. I have no issues sticking up for what I want and saying no. My issue is that oftentimes they will not take "no" for an answer, at least not easily or gracefully. They usually push and push until I look like the bad guy. Which I dislike tremendously.

    To update the OP, we went to dinner with just the original small party and had a great time. The ugly sweater party was cancelled at the last minute...so sad about that one . Still wasn't going, regardless.
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Upperville
    Posts
    305

    Default

    From my personal experience, I've found that most super social people just can't understand how someone could possibly feel differently.

    I also don't like big gatherings of people I don't know well. They just make me feel uncomfortable and I don't have a good time. I suck it up and go to things with my friends, but they know that I'll typically just hang back with one of them and not do too much socializing of my own.

    I tried to date a guy who could not understand it. Anytime a bunch of us would go out he would spend the entire night trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me, and trying to get me to "have fun". No matter how many times I said it he could not believe that I would not have fun out on the floor dancing, and watching everyone else was as fun as it would get for me. And all his constant badgering did was frustrate both of us. Needless to say it didn't work out.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    486

    Default

    Wow, well said about super social people just not understanding.

    My mom for example, super social, nags me incessantly about getting together, going to the family party, going out to eat, going shopping, it never ends. In fact I have point blank told her "I dont want to go anywhere, do anything or see anybody." Her response "well thats depression." I calmly informed her no its called contentment mother, something you never knew exsisted.

    Then there is the "We just got to get you off this farm" lament. Ok, so I'm a workaholic, who constantly creates more work for my self than I could possibly get done. I love farming, animals, my garden, my crafts, my projects, my experiments, hiking my woods, jogging the fields, mowing, painting, etc. So I think you get the drift, just because you are bored, need to spend money constantly on mindless entertainment, and need a crowd doesn't mean I do.

    And then the people she wants me to hang with are awful, absolutely awful. I would rather have thumb screws than go out to dinner with them. And the family she wants me to hang with are worse than them. Life is short, enjoy it, thats my motto now after years of suffering that kinda tourture.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 2, 2011
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    3,270

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Brookes View Post
    Agh, we have had this happen and it makes me insane. We invited a couple down to Palm Springs for a golf week trip. 2 days before we leave they tell us they invited another couple!! We were like WTF?? We didn't even like the other people. Then they asked if they could stay at the house with us. Ummm no they can't.

    First we didn't invite them, second we don't like them, third the house belongs to parents and we were given the go ahead for one other couple period.

    It ended up being a miserable week and destroyed the friendship we had with the couple that actually was invited. Boundaries weren't just crossed they were attacked with a Sherman tank!

    Love small intimate groups, 4 is good! Huge parties to me are just popularity contests to say look at all the friends we have! Whoopee aren't we special! When the majority of the folks aren't friends just people they happen to know.
    I agree with you. IMO, it is incredibly rude for invited guests to invite other people to a gathering I've put together. And let me share what happened while planning our wedding.
    We rented a small facility on a local river for our wedding. Space was limited to 185 people by the fire marshall so we really had to be careful with our guest list. Of course, family came first, then friends. He's a biker/surfer type and I am a railroader/horse type so the mix of people was interesting to say the least. As RSVP's began trickling in, I noticed people were responding that hadn't been invited.
    Seems a wife of one of DH biker buddies was making copies of our invitation and passing them out to other bikers that hadn't been invited (space limitations). She would not answer the phone so I finally had to write her a letter telling her to stop and send it via snail mail.
    "How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?" Julian Lennon



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