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  1. #1
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    Apr. 1, 2012
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    Default Exiting Gracefully From a Friendship

    Have been doing a lot of thinking lately that I now know friends in a way I didn't know before and have decided they aren't really friends even though I thought they were. We have had a very close relationship but things have turned south and regardless of the circumstances, I have a bad taste in my mouth and don't trust them anymore.

    But, they are in the horse world, and we do have friends in common. I know if I go dead silent right now, that it will look like I'm angry and ticked off over the current situation (which I am as its the straw that broke things - there have been other situations that I've dealt with both of them on).

    So trying to figure out how to exit this gracefully and slip into the sunset. We normally talk every day, however, since the "big" conversation I haven't called and neither has she...I am not contacting because I just don't want to deal with it during the holidays and I don't want to say soemthign I shouldn't...that and I've had a sick horse that is taking extra time when I normally talk to them anyway, plus am dog and farm sitting this week on top of things, so I am crazy busy. But I know how my silence looks...

    Any suggestions for exiting this where if I run into them at a show, all can still be cordial? Do I text or call and just say, sick horse, crazy busy, merry christmas and then fade away? Or just leave it to silence and lettign them figure out why (i know they know why I'd go silent)...thoughts?



  2. #2
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    How did things go south to begin with? That can give you a lot of insight into how you should pull away from them. If it was something big and nasty, then just pulling away might be the best course of action.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  3. #3
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    Apr. 1, 2012
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    It was a business deal that I had worked long and hard from. they had agreed to uphold a referral when things changed and I had a conflict of interest. Honoring the request for a referral (for over a years worth of work, time, and expenses) would not have been an out of pocket expense for them because of the structure and nature of the business deal, so should not have been an issue. Its a long story, but without tmi, the right thing would have been to honor the agreement we had and they would have noticed nothing in their bottom line.

    I'm just seeing their character and values is not what I want in my life...



  4. #4
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    Okay, I think that makes sense. Tell us about the other stuff before this. What went wrong before - if anything - and how close were you to these people?
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  5. #5
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    Sep. 24, 2008
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    Default

    Don't burn a bridge. You may need to cross it someday.

    I would e-mail or phone with the crazy busy/sick horse thing, that you have to go but just wanted to wish them Merry Christmas.

    This way, the ball is in their court and it's up to them if they want to contact you. If they aren't currently than that may be a good indication that they feel the same way about the relationship.

    I find it's better to just take care of it than it is to stew and worry.

    NJR
    Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Aug. 1, 2007
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    West Palm Beach, FL
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    Default

    My opinion is that you don't owe them any sort of explanation or anything like that. You can stop being friends with people, its ok.

    "Cutting people out" of your life is hard, especially if they're friends. My BFF of about 10 years and I had a falling out - its too long a story to get into here - but I just started limiting my interactions with her both in and out of the barn. She did confront me and ask why I wasn't speaking to her and my reply was "Really, I just don't think we have anything to talk about anymore." And we both left it at that.

    It's been about 4 years since we've spoken. I did send a sympathy card to her when I heard that her horse passed, but that's it. And I sent it because that's what a decent human being does.

    It's up to you to be the cordial one when you see this person. A friendly "hello" is just fine, and the mature thing to do. The wrong thing to do would be to just ignore them when you see them. But I also say hello to strangers on the street, so...

    Relationships and friendships are fluid and are constantly changing. That's just how life is. Friends come and go, and you don't have to explain it to them or to yourself.
    People call themselves animal lovers, then let their dogs chase the squirrels. You're scaring the shit out of the squirrels, you schmuck!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Feb. 1, 2008
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    Nowhere, Maryland
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    Default

    Maybe send them a Christmas card with "Best Wishes for 2013" or something? Something that is friendly but doesn't encourage a response the way a text might?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
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    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
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    is it wrong that I am picturing Lex sitting in a winged back chair, legs crossed with a legal sized note pad, a pair of classes down this nose and a pipe (?) wearing a tweed jacket and corduroys. While the OP is laying relaxed on a leather chaise lounge gazing at the ceiling.


    I am not making light of your situation OP, just an active imagination.

    I would slowly bow out. Be cordial at shows, but always busy running off to do something. Giving the cold shoulder is rude and in a small world can ruin things and make situations in the future even more uncomfortable.

    But if you are close to this person and you invested a years worth of time in this deal, just tell them straight up how you feel. They may not be aware of their actions effecting you this way.


    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Okay, I think that makes sense. Tell us about the other stuff before this. What went wrong before - if anything - and how close were you to these people?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MunchingonHay View Post
    is it wrong that I am picturing Lex sitting in a winged back chair, legs crossed with a legal sized note pad, a pair of classes down this nose and a pipe (?) wearing a tweed jacket and corduroys. While the OP is laying relaxed on a leather chaise lounge gazing at the ceiling.
    Considering that most COTHers probably either picture me working in their barn with my shirt off moving around their latest delivery of hay or hanging from a tree, my body riddled with bullet holes, in the throes of death, I think I can accept that.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Considering that most COTHers probably either picture me working in their barn with my shirt off moving around their latest delivery of hay or hanging from a tree, my body riddled with bullet holes, in the throes of death, I think I can accept that.
    lex - are you a guy??? When I first saw your post and you asked for info, I started to get worried that you knew me or the persons in question and I got worried! lol...

    So....when the situation originally occurred, I did tell them how I felt...so no sense in repeating it now. I hung around for awhile biding my time to see what happened and trying to decide if the deal went through what they would do...if they changed their mind and came clean, I wouldnt' be bowing out but instead have continued on...



  11. #11
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    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    Quote Originally Posted by ybiaw View Post
    It's up to you to be the cordial one when you see this person. A friendly "hello" is just fine, and the mature thing to do. The wrong thing to do would be to just ignore them when you see them. But I also say hello to strangers on the street, so...
    I don't think ignoring someone is necessarily wrong. I had a disagreement with a (now former) friend. During our chat to try and work things out and patch up the friendship, she said some nice things and later admitted to lying about them because she felt she had to. She admitted she lied and was not in any way sorry about lying. Why would I want to be cordial to someone with such low morals? We had common friends and would run into each other at parties. I ignored her... simply did not engage. I did not wish her ill will... just didn't think of her at all and didn't want to be associated in any way with someone like that. She called me on it, said I was being childish. I figure I had a choice... simply cut her from my life and stick by my values and quietly go about my business while letting everyone else go about theirs, tell her what I really thought of her and her lies thus ruining whatever function we were at for anyone else, or be "cordial" to her and feel like a 2-faced liar myself.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Jun. 15, 2010
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    2,471

    Default

    I think I'd send a simple Christmas card stating that you've been busy caring for a sick horse but that you hope they are well and you will see them at an upcoming show. Receiving a nice but vague christmas card should be a clear sign that the relationship has permanently changed and you plan on being cordial but they shouldn't plan on any more daily phone calls.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2001
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    Finally...back in civilization, more or less
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    Quote Originally Posted by altermetoday View Post
    Have been doing a lot of thinking lately that I now know friends in a way I didn't know before and have decided they aren't really friends even though I thought they were. We have had a very close relationship but things have turned south and regardless of the circumstances, I have a bad taste in my mouth and don't trust them anymore.

    But, they are in the horse world, and we do have friends in common. I know if I go dead silent right now, that it will look like I'm angry and ticked off over the current situation (which I am as its the straw that broke things - there have been other situations that I've dealt with both of them on).

    So trying to figure out how to exit this gracefully and slip into the sunset. We normally talk every day, however, since the "big" conversation I haven't called and neither has she...I am not contacting because I just don't want to deal with it during the holidays and I don't want to say soemthign I shouldn't...that and I've had a sick horse that is taking extra time when I normally talk to them anyway, plus am dog and farm sitting this week on top of things, so I am crazy busy. But I know how my silence looks...

    Any suggestions for exiting this where if I run into them at a show, all can still be cordial? Do I text or call and just say, sick horse, crazy busy, merry christmas and then fade away? Or just leave it to silence and lettign them figure out why (i know they know why I'd go silent)...thoughts?
    It doesn't sound like it is any mystery to them how you feel about the relationship currently. And it also sounds like there is a reason for that.

    If you feel compelled to *do* something... I'd send a holiday card with a brief message saying something like, "Sorry that things worked out the way they did, but wishing you a nice holiday/happy new year," or words to that effect.

    Then you can just be polite when you see them, having taken the high road, without engaging in ongoing daily interaction. If they call, you can be polite but a bit distant, and explain that you need to go take care of the sick horse/answer the door/floss your teeth but thanks for calling.

    My guess is they aren't going to call, and will be just as happy as you are to let things fade a bit.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Aug. 1, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    I don't think ignoring someone is necessarily wrong. I had a disagreement with a (now former) friend. During our chat to try and work things out and patch up the friendship, she said some nice things and later admitted to lying about them because she felt she had to. She admitted she lied and was not in any way sorry about lying. Why would I want to be cordial to someone with such low morals? We had common friends and would run into each other at parties. I ignored her... simply did not engage. I did not wish her ill will... just didn't think of her at all and didn't want to be associated in any way with someone like that. She called me on it, said I was being childish. I figure I had a choice... simply cut her from my life and stick by my values and quietly go about my business while letting everyone else go about theirs, tell her what I really thought of her and her lies thus ruining whatever function we were at for anyone else, or be "cordial" to her and feel like a 2-faced liar myself.
    You raise a good point. I suppose the level of cordiality depends on the individual and the situation.
    People call themselves animal lovers, then let their dogs chase the squirrels. You're scaring the shit out of the squirrels, you schmuck!



  15. #15
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    Oct. 16, 2008
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    Central Oklahoma
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    Default

    What's wrong with just letting them "fade into sunset?" I would still say hi and hello if I run into them at horse shows but I wouldn't actively seek their company or communication with them. If they aren't mature enough to be cordial with me when they run into me, then it is their problem and it ain't going to hurt me a bit to just treat them like strangers - you know, someones who aren't worthy of your notices. I myself wouldn't send a card either - that is to initiate a communication which I don't think necessary with strangers - unless you still have hope of keeping the friendship.



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