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  1. #21
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    I have family members with diagnosed mental illness, in my hubbies family. When I have a cold, the flu, etc. I feel like crap and I know I am sick and will take meds to help me feel better until I get over it. Pretty simple. I want to take them to feel better. Mental illness? Not so simple. Many have no idea they are 'sick'. They feel fine physically, so why should they take medicine? There is nothing wrong with them. The thoughts folks have when they are not medicated seem absolutely right and true. You can't convince them what they are thinking is off the charts. This is yet another hurdle to overcome with mental illness. If only they could see how sick they are, it might help many to seek treatment out. This is such a complicated subject!
    Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.


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  2. #22
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    Someone posted this link on Facebook. I think it is one of the most powerful stories I have red on dealing with mentally ill child. We really need to find ways to help mentally ill people. This is very sad

    http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/arc...-lanzas-mother


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by War Admiral View Post
    I've been in a discussion about this all morning with a FB friend who is HFA. She is terrified, truly terrified, of being demonized by the community b/c of this tragedy.
    What's HFA?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**



  4. #24
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    High Functioning Autistic.
    "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief



  5. #25
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    Nov. 3, 2006
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    I am grateful everyday that the health insurance I have through work (does cost over 5k per year plus my employer's contribution) has made it possible for my husband to get the care he needs. Finding the right therapists has been a process. There is also a large mental health group in our area which provides treatment on a sliding scale.


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  6. #26
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    Jan. 16, 2003
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    Totally agree about the hit-or-miss aspect to getting help for a condition after it is FINALLY diagnosed. My kid is HFA (Asperger's). We've tried everything insurance will cover, and a huge amount of stuff it did not cover. During the darker days, when we'd get the all-too-frequent phone call from school about yet another attack or outburst, I remember thinking "thank god he didn't have a gun."

    Now we are at the point where's he's hopeful enough about his progress that he's talked about trying to get a job. But honestly, what employer is going to hire him? Especially after the recent shootings? Supposedly, there are government programs to help find jobs, but I can't find anything in our community. He got a polite "no, thanks," from Goodwill. He's done a bit of volunteer work, but felt uneasy in each situation and left. How do we strike a responsible balance between the rights/needs of the mentally ill person and other people in the workplace?

    So if you are successfully managing your condition, how did you find a job? Do the people you work with know of your condition, and has that helped, or hindered you in the workplace? As always, I appreciate COTH wisdom, and honest input.
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  7. #27
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    Apr. 6, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by pony4me View Post
    Totally agree about the hit-or-miss aspect to getting help for a condition after it is FINALLY diagnosed. My kid is HFA (Asperger's). We've tried everything insurance will cover, and a huge amount of stuff it did not cover. During the darker days, when we'd get the all-too-frequent phone call from school about yet another attack or outburst, I remember thinking "thank god he didn't have a gun."

    Now we are at the point where's he's hopeful enough about his progress that he's talked about trying to get a job. But honestly, what employer is going to hire him? Especially after the recent shootings? Supposedly, there are government programs to help find jobs, but I can't find anything in our community. He got a polite "no, thanks," from Goodwill. He's done a bit of volunteer work, but felt uneasy in each situation and left. How do we strike a responsible balance between the rights/needs of the mentally ill person and other people in the workplace?

    So if you are successfully managing your condition, how did you find a job? Do the people you work with know of your condition, and has that helped, or hindered you in the workplace? As always, I appreciate COTH wisdom, and honest input.
    My brother works for an organization called Job Path and his job is to help match people like your son with employers that participate in their job program. He's in NYC, but I believe it's a national organization - try searching to see if there's one in your area.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    I actually think the stigma of mental illness has been reduced. It used to be that people were locked up in asylums and mental illness was something only discussed in hushed voices in private places.

    I think society is better about mental illness. Certainly not perfect, but with more empathy about the illness. And as LM says, we have better treatment available from medications to talk therapy to a variety of self-help group support.

    I think most people understand that mental illness does not equal violence. Far more violence is perpetrated by people we do not consider mentally ill. And none of us are particularly good at predicting when someone will be violent. I wish we could predict violence better. I wish we could help people with mental illness more effectively.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com



  9. #29
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    My husband spent his entire career programming for mainframe computers and as a database manager. The job suited him perfectly...again we didn't realize that among the reasons he was so good at it was his ocd...sticking with a problem until he solved it. And because it required virtually no interaction with other people/cowokers.

    It has been reported that the shooter had Asberger's. And that his mother was shot multiple times in the face/head. Based on my experience with DH, here's what I think could have happened. He was in a mildly agitated state; she was frustrated and/or tired. She said something negative, his agitation escalated. These situations go out of control in a heartbeat. I can see him escalating from a 3 to an 11 in less time than to finish a sentence. He goes for the gun and acts out. I suspect she said something negative comparing him to the young children she taught. That's why they became his target. Just speculating of course, but in 46 years I've been down this path too many times to not be able to figure out a scenario. It's also why I won't have guns in the house. Many a night I have slept in another room with my dog safely with me, door locked and with the phone so I could call 911. Only one time did he get up and go nuts...not at me but in another room. I called the police and they came and quieted him down. I know that fine line is there...I just don't know where.

    He is a sweet, sweet man who would never hurt a flea...I'm almost positive. :-(



  10. #30
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    Funny this topic was posted, we recently launched a "Stop The Stigma" campaign about mental illness. Very interesting account, and it's won a few awards already. Some of the materials can be seen here:

    http://brandhealth.ca/work-cmha.html


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Jul. 10, 2012
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    Mental health is the hardest health to acheive or maintain.

    The worst part is, if you have a broken arm, people can see the injury, and you can describe what you're feeling. If you have a disruption or disconnect in mental health, it's nearly impossible to describe what you're feeling in a way that those who do not share that situation can accurately experience.

    I have GAD, for example. If I tell people I have anxiety, the typical response I get is "Oh sure, me too. I just take a few deep breaths and visualise something peaceful, and that makes it all better!" I'm very patient with these folks, because they have no idea. If a few deep breaths and some visualisations would help stop the cold sweats, heart palpitations, shaking, aching, dizzy, nauseous feeling I get when things get wild, I would be all over it.

    Instead, I'm on my ocho bajillionth counselor, and I've pretty much played Wheel Of Meds since I was 18. I understand why people sometimes give up on the idea of ever being "well," because it takes so damned long. I'm 32, and I am almost at a point where I have a good fit with meds and counselors. I wish my first doctor had been up front and told me about the process, and what we would be doing. Instead, she asked me if I felt like killing myself, never once looked at me, sat across the room with her back to me, and the only thing she wrote down was a prescription. I've also been misdiagnosed because I said a "Magic Word." If you say you're feeling paranoid, you might walk out of the office as a schizophrenic. If you say you drink a lot, you have dependency issues. If you say you sometimes go back to make sure you locked a door, you have OCD. It's very, very, very hard to classify the variety of mental disorders and conditions, because every day of our lives, we do something that strays from the "normal" ideal.

    Then we get into the issue of meds. I'm as hard to fit with meds as I am with jeans. I'm ok with the idea- like many have said on this thread, if you have a medical condition, you treat it or you don't. I am fine with treating my mental condition. Problem is, I'm very, very sensitive to medication- a Tylenol will knock me out. So right now, I'm on Citalopram, and it's great. Problem is, I'm also dizzy, and I can't remember a damn thing. I make lists, and then I look at the list and wonder what I was supposed to be doing. I walked upstairs three times to get the sweeper yesterday, only to remember that I had already brought it downstairs. I know that I'm more of the rule, and not the exception.

    I think a large portion of the stigma surrounding mental diseases and disorders is that it is really, really hard to test for them, and it's even harder to treat them. It's hard to definitively say "x is wrong with you." Furthermore, even if you get it right, you have to come up with a treatment plan, and really, for advanced as we are, we're still just stabbing in the dark. You have to find a counselor/therapist you can talk to, find time to schedule with, afford, etc. And then- then!- heaven forbid you say you need to take time off work for a therapist appointment, because then you'll be getting the hairy eyeball from less understanding managers. I'm grateful for HIPAA in many ways, because I've had some managers who had very low opinions of the reality of mental disease and disorders.
    Right now, I have a therapist who also works with different modalities, such as Reiki and guided meditation. I hesitate to tell anyone that, because there's a whole new level of stigma!

    Until we, as a culture, can accept that humans are not one-size-fits-all, and that your mileage truly may vary, I'm afraid we lack the empathy and compassion to accept what acheiving mental health from a disordered brain will entail. I really hate saying that, too!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    ezduzit - are you married to my husband? I am almost positive my husband would be diagnosed as Azberger's if he was evaluated. He has times when he just "blows up" and starts ranting and raving and the most hurtful mean things come out of his mouth. Unforgiveable type things. Then he stops and after an hour its like nothing happened and he can't understand why I am crying. He says "I was just upset, I didn't mean it".

    Both of my children have show signs of asbergers, although nowhere near the degree he does. My son I had to train to look people in the eye when he talks, had to teach him to say hi and bye to his friends. He has always been happy with 2 friends. No more required. Got him on antidepressants at 16 and that helped a ton. he is now 22, in college, and in a long term relationship with his girlfriend. But it takes work.

    My daughter is a lot more like my husband, and we finally had to take her to the neurologist who sent her to a psych also. The psych added a pretty strong "mood stablizer" to her drugs and that has helped tons. I can't help but wish someone would put DH on it, but everytime he goes to the Dr he says "I feel fine". Absolutely NO recognition that his behavior impacts others, it is always, "well you are so hard to live with, I like who I am, there is nothing wrong with me".

    So how did you learn to deal with your DH, because honestly altho I love mine dearly (as you said, a good man, loyal, no drinking, no drugs, no cheating, no gambling) the anger and general unhappiness just eats at me.



  13. #33
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    I really feel for you, Arabiansrock. It is so hard. By the time we found out I was so relieved to find out a) it wasn't my imagination; b) it wasn't me; c) it wasn't personal...that I felt a huge relief. Then very sad and disappointed because I will NEVER know what it feels like to be loved. He loves me in his way but I can't recognize it because there's no connection with me, no empathy. It's like the way a 5 year old loves his mommy. Very dear, very true but not like an adult.

    I find happiness in my horses and fortunately he's never denied me anything money could buy...that we had money for. I'm vey practical in the budget area. So a horse? A saddle? Horse show? Of course. Sometimes I think that on some level he realizes that money is the only thing he has to show his love for me with.

    It's been better since his diagnosis. He finally has an explanation for behavior that he didn't understand either. I've learned to not be picky. I understand now that he isn't lazy he just can't figure out or organize how to do things. I make sure he has lists because he doesn't remember things. And I try not to overwhelm him with too many instructions at once. It's all about letting him keep the order in his world.

    I'm over my anger. He's 71 and I'm 65. I'm happy that for however many years we have left, there won't be anymore desparate WHY WHY WHY or begging for an explanation that makes sense. It is what it is. Let it go. I'm determined to focus on the good things in life...that he enjoyed his day, that I had a good ride, that we got along, that I didn't get impatient. I could never leave him...it would be like abandoning a child. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. I promised.


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  14. #34
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Ezduzit-the early reports were wrong, and the woman wasn't a teacher, and never was a teacher. She was apparently killed early in the morning while still in bed, and no one knows if she was even awake.

    Apparently, even though the mother went out to card parties and such, and lived in a very friendly neighborhood, the family didn't participate in anything. No one ever came in the house, and it is said by neighbors and such that the mother and son had no visitors, and allowed no one in the house. The mother apparently didn't work, but collected huge amounts of alimony or a divorce settlement, and that would continue for the next ten or more years.
    Personally, I am still angry at the first reports about the mother, the living situation, and everything else that was reported that was in error. I'm not totally blaming the reporters, because apparently some people that were relatives or claimed to be close friends spread a lot of garbage from their supposed 'insider' knowledge, and it was basically all a pile of garbage.

    The mother is claimed to be a prepper, and amassed a large arsenal of guns and ammunition to ward off the coming anarchy. A person who has a seriously disturbed family member as the son apparently was, is a fool to teach him to shoot, and to have weapons around. Her denial and stupidity killed those children and adults, and she is responsible also.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by arabiansrock View Post
    I am almost positive my husband would be diagnosed as Azberger's if he was evaluated. He has times when he just "blows up" and starts ranting and raving and the most hurtful mean things come out of his mouth. Unforgiveable type things. Then he stops and after an hour its like nothing happened and he can't understand why I am crying. He says "I was just upset, I didn't mean it". ...the anger and general unhappiness just eats at me.
    That sounds horrible and abusive. Why would you put up with that?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


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  16. #36
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    saultgirl - why stay? because my son said that he would never see me again if I left his dad while he was underage. And because he has never hit me, come home drunk, do drugs, etc. He didn't have a great childhood, grew up with parents who thought that kids should work 40 hour weeks from the time they are about 8 up. Most of his high school classes were "work study". His mom left (and left the kids behind) when he was 12. No one thought it odd that he didn't have any friends or even want any. He has spent most of our marriage trying to drive me off to prove "nobody loves me, i knew you wouldn't stay". So inspite of the fact that he is quite brilliant he never got a decent education, complicated by the fact that he also probably has dsylexia. I understand all this, and things got alot better when he got on anti depressants. THAT helped alot. But since he told his dr that he "feels good" the lovely doc cut his doseage in half. Now he is quicker to anger again.

    I know he loves me in his own way, and he even tells the kids (and other people) that we NEVER FIGHT. And havn't even really had a real fight during our marriage. I have no idea what he considers a fight based on that statement, but like ezduzit said these people live in their own universe, they just don't see, feel and experience things like we do.

    And like ezduzit, I said I do, for better or worse, not I do until I don't. But that doesn't make it any easier. And like Ezduzit DH, mine denies me nothing that money can buy that we can manage. I have 3 horses , he has helped me buy 3 saddles on the quest for the "right" one, he tolerates all the house animals. He just doesn't understand that words hurt.

    sorry for derailing the thread, I sense that I am definitely still dealing with some anger issues about this.


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  17. #37
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    Mental illness sucks. It does. I come from a family with a history of mental health problems and have a slew of 'em myself. OCD, ADHD (though I don't consider that bit "ill"), anxiety, and depression. And no matter what or how I say it, people DO treat me differently if they know that. They either act like my clinically diagnosed issues are a joke, or treat me like a hothouse flower. There's a stigma, and it's hard to live with a stigma over something that isn't your fault.
    I've heard there's more to life than an FEI tent and hotel rooms, so I'm trying it.


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  18. #38
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    Mar. 8, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by GingerJumper View Post
    Mental illness sucks. It does. I come from a family with a history of mental health problems and have a slew of 'em myself. OCD, ADHD (though I don't consider that bit "ill"), anxiety, and depression. And no matter what or how I say it, people DO treat me differently if they know that. They either act like my clinically diagnosed issues are a joke, or treat me like a hothouse flower. There's a stigma, and it's hard to live with a stigma over something that isn't your fault.
    I've dealt with similar mental issues throughout my life, along with the stigmas associated. I was not diagnosed until about halfway through my junior year of high school, and it was incredibly hard trying to tell my friends about my depression because I either got a) "i feel sad sometimes too! then I *insert some sort of happy thing here*; b) "really? but you're happy, and you have nice parents and nice things and a horse and a dog and blahblahblah! you can't have depression!!"; or c) "omg you're going to kill yourself aren't you?"

    From what I can tell, depression is more "acceptable" than other mental illnesses, I think because most people feel the emotion of depression at some point in their lives and have a better idea of what it entails, but it is still hard to deal with stigmas and stereotypes. Most other illnesses still have the stigma of "crazy" along with the misunderstanding of what exactly the illnesses entail. It's much harder to imagine what it's like to experience the mental processes and behaviors caused by other mental illnesses. While our society has come a long way from locking up "unstable" people, we, without a doubt, have quite a long way to go.
    I like mares. They remind me of myself: stubborn know it alls who only acknowledge you if you have food.
    Hannah B. Nana: 50% horse, 50% hippo
    Fiona: can't decide between jumpers or napping



  19. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by arabiansrock View Post
    saultgirl - why stay? because my son said that he would never see me again if I left his dad while he was underage. And because he has never hit me, come home drunk, do drugs, etc. He didn't have a great childhood, grew up with parents who thought that kids should work 40 hour weeks from the time they are about 8 up. Most of his high school classes were "work study". His mom left (and left the kids behind) when he was 12. No one thought it odd that he didn't have any friends or even want any. He has spent most of our marriage trying to drive me off to prove "nobody loves me, i knew you wouldn't stay". So inspite of the fact that he is quite brilliant he never got a decent education, complicated by the fact that he also probably has dsylexia. I understand all this, and things got alot better when he got on anti depressants. THAT helped alot. But since he told his dr that he "feels good" the lovely doc cut his doseage in half. Now he is quicker to anger again.

    I know he loves me in his own way, and he even tells the kids (and other people) that we NEVER FIGHT. And havn't even really had a real fight during our marriage. I have no idea what he considers a fight based on that statement, but like ezduzit said these people live in their own universe, they just don't see, feel and experience things like we do.

    And like ezduzit, I said I do, for better or worse, not I do until I don't. But that doesn't make it any easier. And like Ezduzit DH, mine denies me nothing that money can buy that we can manage. I have 3 horses , he has helped me buy 3 saddles on the quest for the "right" one, he tolerates all the house animals. He just doesn't understand that words hurt.

    sorry for derailing the thread, I sense that I am definitely still dealing with some anger issues about this.
    Still sounds horrible . Sorry you're going through this. You don't have to stay just because your kids wouldn't like it if you left or because you feel you have to "save" your husband. Lots of money is not worth staying for if you're crying and feeling miserable. What is the difference if he hits you or not? If he says unforgivable, hurtful things that make you cry?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**



  20. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by saultgirl View Post
    Still sounds horrible . Sorry you're going through this. You don't have to stay just because your kids wouldn't like it if you left or because you feel you have to "save" your husband. Lots of money is not worth staying for if you're crying and feeling miserable. What is the difference if he hits you or not? If he says unforgivable, hurtful things that make you cry?

    Many people live in co-dependent relationships their whole life and are fine with that.
    No one else can say how others should live.
    Maybe some like to be caretakers so much it fits them to be just that and where better than with someone that needs that kind of support?

    Even in the best, most well adjusted lives, there is strife of all kinds.
    Relationships and families are a juggling act with or without any pathology involved.

    Who is to say from the outside what is "safe" or a bad situation?



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