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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    6,394

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    Gonna be quick in case they pull the plug on OT Day.

    You and DH MUST talk seriously. He is doing the girls no favors by indulging them and that may well be due to unresolved guilt about the divorce. If you and he truly feel that your marriage was a better thing than he and bio mom staying together, then he must admit that the time for guilt is way past. Your blended family family is what it is NOW and every person in it MUST move forward.

    Money talk with the kids takes place with you AND Dad, so he can't cave. Facts are facts. Bottom lines are bottom lines. Include "That was then, This is NOW". You over indulged in the past, but as A FAMILY you can no longer do that.

    They never worked/won't work? Really this is just you and Dad saying, "If you want money, you have to earn it. I get paid to work. YOU will work to get paid." AND THEN STICK TO IT.

    Presents for bio mom? Dad sets a price limit. He should remind them that they don't have to buy her love. She'd rather have a playlist than the iPod to play it, if they picked the songs. She'd rather have a book of memories, than a new laptop, if they wrote the captions.

    They won't want to hear it. They will probably stamp their little non-Ugg shod feet. Doesn't matter. Did it work for you whenever you got fired in your life? Thought not Yes it will be hard for them to hear, but it's far easier to tell them now then trying to explain forclosure later.

    I would STRONGLY recommend giving them allowances (a base amount, like $5.00 a week) Any additional money can be earned by doing set chores with set pay rates (dishes $1.00 day, trash $3.00 week etc) Have a sign up sheet. If neither girl signs up, then they get $5.00 a week. If they do the chores ON TIME AND CHEERFULLY WITHOUT REMINDER then they get the extra $$ at the end of the week. (My payday for allowance was always Friday, my dad's payday).
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2005
    Location
    Australasia
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    1,120

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    You've just hit the other issue. I don't even have access to the main account.

    THe one his paycheck goes into. I'm still scraping by on my last paycheck from my old job. I have to ask for money for groceries.

    I've been asking for 2 weeks to get access to the other account. No dice.

    It is very frustrating.
    Say what?? That's unacceptable. I'm speechless (a first!! lol) Why are you *scraping by* on your last paycheck? Did he have access to the money you were earning when he was not?

    Have that talk with Mr BuddyRoo ASAP. If he won't let you have access to the money dump the bills in his lap when he gets home so he can pay them. Make him go to the grocery store. Make sure all bills are in his name so your credit doesn't get trashed.

    BuddyRoo, I gotta say this, and his attitude over your ailing pooch would have me doing some serious thinking. Don't forget to think about yourself, there's an awful lot of one-way giving going on, and I'm not just talking financial. (Okay, I lied about being speechless...)
    where am I, what day is it, am I still having a good time?


    15 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    I so missed the "I don't have access to his account.

    What is this, the '50s? Early '60s?? You and MrBR need to have a big sit down between the two of you first and get your financials in order as a couple.

    And what is this move to Africa??? Don't you DARE until you have money to get back.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"


    16 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jul. 15, 2003
    Posts
    2,627

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    I had no allowance at that age, at all. I ended up washing dogs (50 cents - $2.00 per; $5 for the rare Saint or something like that) at a grooming parlor to get my pocket change. Good gig for a kid, really.

    You're kinda stuck if hubby isn't supportive - you'll end up the bad guy. I will say, though, that I had my elder son balance our checkbook at 15 - mostly so he could get a real good idea about where money goes. I would also bring both my boys to the grocery store, and we would figure out the menu and budget what we wanted. It's helped curb the "gimmees" relatively well. Younger Son still wants stuff, but not as bad as he once did.
    Don't tell me about what you can't do. That's boring. Show me what you can do. - Mom



  5. #45
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

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    Shoot. Lost my post again.

    Anyway...trying to get this in quickly...not an excuse, just trying to explain.

    Husband used to make a lot and grew up in a pretty well off family. Ex wife is very materialistic (that is not a slam, I'm just saying). Kids are used to getting whatever they want but they aren't that materialistic on their own. Example: 2 years ago, I said we'd give them each X amount of money that they could spend on clothes after Xmas and we could first stop at 2nd Time Around. Then we could go to the mall. THey were SUPER happy with what they got at the shop, but their mom flipped out. So it's not that the kids are bad about it, it's just that Mom tends to put ideas in their heads.

    When I talked to them today about the budget and such, they didn't seem upset. I just told them that the needed to be thinking about a gift for Mom that was more in the 30-40 dollar range, not the 500-600 range.

    But their Mom has no problem asking because she fully expects her ex husband to pay for that stuff. This is a bigger issue than just Christmas so I won't go any further.

    I think I may have given the wrong impression with regards to my childhood as far as not wanting the kids to know. I didn't mean it that way. I meant that I don't want them to have to LIVE like that. Without electricity or water or heat or food. I don't want that for them. And that won't happen. I WILL share with them how my childhood was, but to some extent, I wish not to because my mother is alive and she really did do her best. The fact that we had not much wasn't because she wouldn't work (like my husband's ex) but because she worked and it just wasn't enough.

    Anyway.

    I tried the chores with pay thing, Mom flipped. I've tried a lot of ways to give the kids money for work but their Mother doesn't like it. She says we should be providing. And my husband cowers. (you should've seen her on my front lawn...you'd cower too...that lady is 6 foot and big. You don't mess with that!!!_

    I paid for them to do the Red Cross Babysitter class this summer in hopes they'd babysit, but no dice. We've offered some chores for pay. No dice. I do expect certain "chores" when they're with us but those are basics and I will not pay for that. You don't get "extra credit" for picking up after yourself. Sorry. Not in my home. (maybe I'm a bitch, but I don't think so--we all live here. Shared things are shared things. I'm not going to pay for that. I feed you, I provide a roof, I drive, I pay for fun stuff--you can clear the table without me paying for it and clean your room without payment. That is an expectation. Above and beyond? Sure! I'll pay and I offer to! So does Dad! But no interest because they have no need to make money when everything is paid for.

    I'm rambling.

    Anyway.

    I have some money of my own in the bank. I'm not screwed here. I just don't want to be paying for everything on my own when I don't have any more coming in. Not my job anymore.

    The kids left today so I have some time to have discussions. Again. Wish me luck.

    And thanks guys. Thank you.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Aug. 8, 2001
    Location
    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
    Posts
    3,609

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    BR, this isn't so much an issue with your stepkids as it is Mr. BR, but I think you know that. I'm sure not trying to dump on you, but from what you've posted lately, and the sense of urgency that's coming through in both this thread and the dog thread, I am worried about you too. I think EqT's and Kryswyn's words are wise. This thread and the dog thread have some red flags in them. You are having to ask your husband for money for food. That is a huge scarlet banner.

    If you don't have a viable plan B for getting yourself and dog in a safe place, IMVHO it may be time to make one. Maybe you're just stressed about the amount of change you've been through lately—completely understandable!—and it's just coming through in your posts, and maybe you don't really need that plan ... but it never hurts to have one.

    You're in my thoughts. Please be careful. (((hugs)))
    Full-time bargain hunter.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Mar. 23, 2005
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    2,661

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    Quote Originally Posted by onelanerode View Post
    BR, this isn't so much an issue with your stepkids as it is Mr. BR, but I think you know that. I'm sure not trying to dump on you, but from what you've posted lately, and the sense of urgency that's coming through in both this thread and the dog thread, I am worried about you too. I think EqT's and Kryswyn's words are wise. This thread and the dog thread have some red flags in them. You are having to ask your husband for money for food. That is a huge scarlet banner.

    If you don't have a viable plan B for getting yourself and dog in a safe place, IMVHO it may be time to make one. Maybe you're just stressed about the amount of change you've been through lately—completely understandable!—and it's just coming through in your posts, and maybe you don't really need that plan ... but it never hurts to have one.

    You're in my thoughts. Please be careful. (((hugs)))
    BR.. I agree completely with this post. I know this is not what you asked about - but nothing you have written recently remotely suggests a healthy partnership with your new husband. Don't, don't head off to Africa and get stranded there without some improvement in reaching an agreement on having an actual partnership. I cannot, cannot believe he is now with-holding money from you after all you have contributed to the well-being of the family over the past years. It is time to think of your own security and well-being. This group has been draining you since you moved in and became their cook and provider.

    (and I haven't even seen the recent post about your poor dog.)

    As has been said repeatedly in response to other posters in other threads about abusive situations - "You deserve far better than this!" (and I do believe you are in an abusive relationship - there is nothing in it to nourish you. They all sound like a bunch of leeches, including hubby.)


    10 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    9,281

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    Spidey sense is right. BR, God knows I have had push pull issues with my DH about our finances and still do, but you are getting walked on. Ditto don't you dare go to Africa without enough money in the mattress for plane fare back.

    My group of friends has one member whose husband, we all agree, will break her financially. They keep their money separate and he has no impulse control at all and no ability to budget. That was fine before we had cuts and an austerity program last year, she could cover the bills on her own and often did. Now she's paying her half of the house payment and has no money left for gas or groceries so she's begging him for gas money. Which he forgets to do, and instead buys her pretty jewelry or flowers. At least she can return the jewelry. She loves him and he's tearing her apart, or at least telling her he just doesn't share her values. I use to make DH pay the whole of the rent, and I paid everything else. Kept the electric and the water on much better.

    And let me tell you that just because things were tough when you were a kid and you want to spare these kids isn't a good reason. Their frame of reference is probably completely different, and crackers and pbj didn't figure into it. Clothing allowance. Gadget allowance. Spend it and it's gone till you save up again.

    And {{hugs}}. I know you are a strong, competent and able individual and I have faith that you'll be able to get to the end of this tunnel and come out fine.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,135

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    I think I may have given the wrong impression with regards to my childhood as far as not wanting the kids to know. I didn't mean it that way. I meant that I don't want them to have to LIVE like that. Without electricity or water or heat or food. I don't want that for them. And that won't happen. I WILL share with them how my childhood was, but to some extent, I wish not to because my mother is alive and she really did do her best. The fact that we had not much wasn't because she wouldn't work (like my husband's ex) but because she worked and it just wasn't enough.

    Anyway.

    I tried the chores with pay thing, Mom flipped. I've tried a lot of ways to give the kids money for work but their Mother doesn't like it. She says we should be providing. And my husband cowers. (you should've seen her on my front lawn...you'd cower too...that lady is 6 foot and big. You don't mess with that!!!
    I did get that second sense of "know": You don't want the kiddies to live the kind of poverty that you did.

    But the other thing to think about is what your family taught you about being poor. Was is temporary? Not connected to who you are or your worth or your lovability? Not the most important feature of your life? Shameful? Just a fact of life? Something adults were supposed to fix or foisted on kids who couldn't change it anyway?

    Some messages are better than others. You just have to give your stepkids the best you can.

    Otherwise, it looks to me like DH has some work to do. He needs to figure out which view of money he chooses--some version of yours? The one at work in his first marriage?

    And then he has to figure out how to set a boundary with his ex.

    Both will be hard for him. But he is your partner, so he needs to share all of your family's financial information with you. He also needs to decide which camp he wants to be in with respect to his ex's idea that children are made to feel well-off at all costs. Maybe the poor pookah doesn't even know how to make his kids feel OK with anything less than perfect. But he's got to see that his Ex's way of not making kids do any work for money won't help them become good adults.

    I wish you guys the best.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,829

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    "SD14 wants a laptop. SD13 wants ugg boots. And they want us to get their mom a 300 dollar necklace for her bday and a 600 dollar system for Xmas. We can't afford it. We just can't. I have to buy all the Xmas gifts for everyone in his (huge) family plus mine this year. "

    You're kidding right? You cannot be this pathetic and wimpy. Who really gives a damn what they want to give their mother? Let them earn the money, it's not your worry.

    And who said YOU have to buy the Christmas gifts for anyone beside you and your husband...and not even him, let him work to pay for the gifts for HIS daughters. You don't have to buy anything for anyone. Grow a backbone, tell your husband to grow a set and to support you NOW! Nobody goes blind because they don't get expensive gifts....prove it to them this year, small gifts and nothing to family members from them, let these princesses get their lazy spoiled pubescent butts out working to earn money to buy gifts.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    15 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,117

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    BR, just protect yourself. That's what you really need to do here, you don't need to actively teach the kids or anyone anything. Just do what you know is right for you. Let everyone else spoil those kids however they will and you just be a good example of living a financially secure life. That's really your only obligation here, I think you're smart enough to know when you're getting taken advantage of and when you aren't. Life is complicated and it's hard to explain it all in a few paragraphs; you're practical and smart. Listen to your instincts and just take care of you.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,036

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    BR - The problem is your husband not the kids. The more you post the more I want to come smack that man upside the head for being a selfish bastard. You have supported him for the last few years and now that the tables have turned he is showing you no support whatsoever. Not financially. Not emotionally. He is leaving you holding the bag with his selfish children, demanding ex wife and his extended family. Time for him to put you first. I would be ready to throttle him if he were mine. And he'd know it.

    As for the kids - there's hope for them. Just because it always was doesn't mean it always has to be. They'll adjust to a more spartan holiday season. Have them help you look for things on sale for each other. Make them part of the process of getting the most bang for your buck. Pretty soon paying retail will be as foreign to them as it is to my girls. They find bargain hunting lots of fun.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,352

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    EqT and Kryswyn are exactly right. Don't move overseas until you have access to accounts, and have a way to support yourself. You are moving to a foreign country, where if something goes wrong you will be thousands of miles from help, and without funds. And not having access to household accounts is unacceptable to me, and definitely a real problem here, but what about overseas? If something happened where your husband was sick, or out of your area and something happened how would you get along? You need more resources, especially since his children are going with you. And it's not as if you can get a job overseas, and will have access to your own funds there either. I'm very worried for you, and hope that I'm just being my usual negaitve person, but more planning and cooperation needs to happen. And if he wants to buy 22 gifts that's peachy, but it should be out of his pocket, and not from your basic budget. Everyone on here is right, and you need enough money to get home, because when it hits the fan, then an emergency flight home is sometimes the best answer, and you need enough to survive for a while in case of emergency. You never know what life will throw at you, and you need more preparation and resources.

    Many of the family member evacuated from Japan after the Tsunami and radiation leaks were shocked to find out that the government paid for airline tickets, and for non-command sponsored dependents they received bills for their tickets. You need an emergency fund, and with two kids you need even more of a cushion.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    8 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    VA (or MS during the school year)
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    BR, from everything I've read and from the much appreciated advice you've given me about my dog, you're an incredibly generous woman. Don't let your generosity be mistaken for weakness. Don't let them walk all over you. You truely deserve way better.

    I'll agree with those who say they see red flags. His attitude towards your dog is appalling. I KNOW how much having a dog with explosive diarrhea sucks. Fortunately in my case we resolved the issue, and I'm so sorry that your boy is still having trouble. But animals are a part of the family. I always say, if the guy doesn't like my dog and isn't willing to treat him like family, then he's not the right guy for me. My father acts like he doesn't like the animals, but when one is sick, he puts his feelings aside and truely cares about trying to make them better because he knows how much they mean to me or my mother.

    The fact that you have no access to the bank account is appalling as well, especially since it sounds like he had no problem letting you support him and the rest of his family for the last few years. I am all for having separate accounts for personal expenses, but you should at least have a joint account for things like groceries and bills. If money is that tight, have an account that you both have access to but allow each of you an "allowance". My parents give themselves $200/week for gas/eating out/buying personal items/fun. They set aside a certain amount for groceries each month. The rest gets set aside. Nothing put on credit cards except emergencies or vet bills, etc.

    I'd seriously consider looking for a part time job so that you can stash some money away into a bank account that only YOU have access to. And to be honest, I'd take a hard look at your marriage to see if he's really the man you think he is and whether he's worth the amount of stress he seems to be causing.
    "People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"


    9 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2012
    Location
    Washington State
    Posts
    506

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    I tried the chores with pay thing, Mom flipped. I've tried a lot of ways to give the kids money for work but their Mother doesn't like it. She says we should be providing. And my husband cowers. (you should've seen her on my front lawn...you'd cower too...that lady is 6 foot and big. You don't mess with that!!!_

    I paid for them to do the Red Cross Babysitter class this summer in hopes they'd babysit, but no dice. We've offered some chores for pay. No dice. I do expect certain "chores" when they're with us but those are basics and I will not pay for that. You don't get "extra credit" for picking up after yourself. Sorry. Not in my home. (maybe I'm a bitch, but I don't think so--we all live here. Shared things are shared things. I'm not going to pay for that. I feed you, I provide a roof, I drive, I pay for fun stuff--you can clear the table without me paying for it and clean your room without payment. That is an expectation. Above and beyond? Sure! I'll pay and I offer to! So does Dad! But no interest because they have no need to make money when everything is paid for.

    I'm rambling.

    Anyway.

    I have some money of my own in the bank. I'm not screwed here. I just don't want to be paying for everything on my own when I don't have any more coming in. Not my job anymore.

    The kids left today so I have some time to have discussions. Again. Wish me luck.

    And thanks guys. Thank you.
    BuddyRoo, when the kids are at your house they are subject to your rules. If you want them to earn money by emptying the dishwasher or taking out the garbage, then that's what happens. Mom can flip out all she wants, you are not doing any harm to the kids by making them responsible.

    I think you are too nice for your own good. I'm not going to address the foreign country thing because I don't really know you or your personal situation but I do wish you luck and hope that nothing goes wrong.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2007
    Location
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Posts
    1,234

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    Dave Ramsey is the way to go. Here is a link to all the different items and programs for all ages including teens and young adults. Many church youth groups use his system for teaching about money and responsibility. http://www.daveramsey.com/store/kids...FcaDQgodDXoAKg


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 1999
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    4,397

    Angry

    BuddyRoo, I am sure you love your husband but he sounds like a complete jackass to me.

    Didn't want anyone to know that you've been supporting everyone up until recently? A REAL MAN would be proud of you, and telling everyone how lucky he was to have such a supportive wife.

    Cowers before his ex wife? A REAL MAN would stand up for himself, his children, and HIS WIFE.

    Your name not on the account? I bet his was on yours when you were supporting everyone. A REAL MAN would understand this.

    Remember, "no" can be a complete sentence. As in "No, we are not buying for everyone this year" or "No, we are not driving 13 hours for a dinner".

    But you don't have to say anything but "NO."


    18 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
    Posts
    300

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    You've just hit the other issue. I don't even have access to the main account.

    THe one his paycheck goes into. I'm still scraping by on my last paycheck from my old job. I have to ask for money for groceries.

    I've been asking for 2 weeks to get access to the other account. No dice.

    It is very frustrating.
    He must be really REALLY good in bed. I can't see any other reason why you put up with this crap!

    Go back and read all your posts over the last year pretending it is me writing them. You don't know me or my circumstances, or my husband, so no background extenuating circumstances. Now what advice would you give Me?


    19 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    2,961

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    Oh my LORD, I agree 200% with Trakhener. Duck everyone, the world is gonna end
    send some of their smart literate deer who can read road signs up here since ours are just run of the mill dumb ones who get splatted all over creation because they won't stay in the woods


    9 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    9,281

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    BR, I read the dog thread. I have to go to work but it bothered me so much I got up early.

    The expenses for the dog are a huge elephant in the room.

    It's a small town and toxic ex-wife surely must be hearing about surgery for the dog, special food for the dog, her values are all about "stuff" for her kids and animals come second, especially your animal that you brought to the relationship.
    I understand about having priorities that put my critters first, I spend about $75 a month on cat and horse meds plus more for feeds. Other people wouldn't put their animals first.

    It just isn't black or white or simple and I am out of my league now for advice. Keeping you in my prayers and hope you find a fair resolution for everyone.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    2 members found this post helpful.

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