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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2012
    Posts
    18

    Default Was I being selfish or realistic? (another relationship thread)

    (dusting off an alter)
    Some time ago I made a decision to get out of a relationship for a number of reasons. A huge part of it was his condescending attitude which developed a few months after we got very serious (i.e. marriage came up). Another part of it was the feeling I had that the relationship was all about what he wanted to the point where my feelings and thoughts didn't matter.

    We had tried counseling but that didn't go anywhere. At our first session, he brought up a concern he had about the amount of money and time my horse would be taking up when it came back from the trainer. At the time my horse was not near where we lived. This was the first time he had ever brought this up. Before counseling, I didn't even know this was an issue. I simply said that there were so many different ways it could go depending on where I would board the horse, how far away or how close, whether I might lease it out part time, etc. Would I be in training, take weekly lessons or monhtly? I then said that since I couldn't predict it I'd rather focus on things that we were facing right then. The therapist said that I would need to address it since it was a valid concern he had. I was open with them and said there's just no way I can say definitively how it would go due to all the previous factors I mentioned and that I felt better about working on issues X and Y which were more immediate.

    I felt like I did the right thing in leaving the relationship a few months later. But I wonder about the horse thing. Horses were important to me then and still are. I never got the impression that particular guy supported me in my efforts. If he did have serious concerns I would have thought a guy who really cared would say "hey, I have concerns about time and money, but I know this makes you really happy, so I'd like to figure out how to make this work for us". Was it too much to expect a guy, any guy, to say something like that? Or was I being unrealistic in my expectations?

    Yes, I am over it. I only ask because as I go out and meet new guys, I don't want to make it seem like horses are more important than relationships, but I do want to be sure if I do decide to settle down with somebody, that they do support me in some way wrt the horse thing.
    Last edited by AlterMe123; Nov. 25, 2012 at 09:01 PM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    4,836

    Default

    It was his first attempt at controlling you. Be thankful you listened to your intuition and boot-scooted when you did.
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    17 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
    Posts
    274

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SuckerForHorses View Post
    It was his first attempt at controlling you. Be thankful you listened to your intuition and boot-scooted when you did.
    Yup. Dodged a bullet there. Those who love us want us to be happy. If horses make you happy then they will make it work. And you will make work whatever their passion is. Don't give up the right person is out there


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 10, 2008
    Location
    Canton, GA
    Posts
    892

    Default

    I assume that you were working, making your own money, supporting yourself, paying your own bills, etc. If so, then what did he think you were going to do after marriage, turn all your money over to him. You absolutely did the right thing.

    This comes up over and over. The couple starts to talk about living together and/or marriage. He has a place, a job, he pays his own bills. She has a place, a job, she pays her own bills, including the $ for the horse. If they start to live together, don't their combined expenses go down? Two can't live as cheaply as one, but it doesn't take more when you combine households, it takes less. Yet the boyfriend or fiancée says, "The horse will cost too much." Hello? Run like hell if you hear this.

    And there is nothing wrong with saying that having horses is AS important.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2006
    Posts
    310

    Default

    If he did have serious concerns I would have thought a guy who really cared would say "hey, I have concerns about time and money, but I know this makes you really happy, so I'd like to figure out how to make this work for us". Was it too much to expect a guy, any guy, to say something like that? Or was I being unrealistic in my expectations?
    Not too much to expect at all. A true partner is willing to work with you so both of you can be happy. You are not being unrealistic at all.

    Before I met my SO, I would date and be open about my horse and my hobby. Sure it hurt when some ran for the hills but at least they spared me the nonsense of having to dump their ass at a later time.
    I don't always feel up to arguing with your ignorance



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
    Posts
    668

    Default

    Funny, the horses are always 'too expensive' but whatever crap he wants to do is no problem at all. Even if he doesn't pay for the horses, it always comes up. Ridiculous. As soon as I hear it, I peel out and don't come back.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
    Posts
    668

    Default

    Funny, the horses are always 'too expensive' but whatever crap he wants to do is no problem at all. Even if he doesn't pay for the horses, it always comes up. Ridiculous. As soon as I hear it, I peel out and don't come back.



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