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  1. #1
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    Default Handling kid that isn't yours?

    My nephew is three, and has a serious listening problem. He flings things at the table, yells, screams, doesn't listen, and is just generally obnoxious. I know that a good bit of it is because he's three. His parents don't do much about it, they both work long hours (so he's in daycare, which is 99% of his problem), they are expecting their second baby in May. He is also apraxcic (sp?).

    I know that I can't parent him, but when we were at my in-laws for Thanksgiving, he wanted to see DD (who I was feeding). I told him that he would have to wait a second until she was done. He got angry and bit my knee. I handed DD to DH, got down to his level and very firmly (I didn't yell) said "We. Don't. Bite." while I looked him in the eye. He freaked, and threw a tempertantrum. I resumed what I was doing with DD, ignoring the tantrum. Both my SIL and MIL got angry with me for making him cry.

    Later that day, I was playing with DD on the floor and he tried to kick her. It's not the first time that he's tried to hit/pinch/poke/bite/kick her. Each time I look him the eye and firmly tell him that we don't do that. I don't ever touch him. He cries and my in-laws get pissy. They are usually always there when we are, and DD hates to be held all the time. It's not safe for her to be down around him though.

    DH backs me up, and tries to explain that I'm not hurting him, but they always get mad. We try not to leave DD alone with them, because we know that they don't see anything wrong with his behavior.

    What do I do? Ignore it?
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


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  2. #2
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    I would be damned if I would ignore that crap when it's directed at me or mine. And the in-laws could get just as pissy as they wanted.

    Easy for me to say, I guess. But if someone else's kid BITES me or physically threatens my child (if I had children), I would feel well within my rights to verbally reprimand him the way you did.

    So I would ignore it right up until the kid physically touched me or my child. Then no more ignoring.
    Everyone is entitled to my opinion.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Jun. 22, 2012
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    I think you're doing the right thing especially if he intends to hurt you or your daughter. You're not hurting the kid, just displaying your dominance and not tolerating his bad behavior. Ignore the people that get pissy and keep on doing what you're doing. Either that or don't go over there anymore.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Stand your ground and keep doing what you are doing. If the parents won't parent you're doing this kid a favor in the long run. I have zero tolerance for aggressive children.
    "Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don't know and I don't care." ~Jimmy Buffett


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Heck no you don't ignore it! Listen, it's not just about "parenting" some random child with no dog in the fight. You have a baby. And he's being aggressive.

    Let them be pissy. That kid is being naughty. Someone ought to pay attention. Guilt for not being there all day or not, you don't get to bite, kick or pinch in the regular world either. WTH????
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    I think you did the right thing-- actually, some parenting for your sister.

    When that's deemed politically incorrect? You have a conversation with kiddo's parents. The take home message there is "Cool! I really don't care how Nephew is kept from biting me or harassing his cousin. Get it done your way. But get it done."

    All else fails? You apologetically get out of the way, as in "I'd love to see you guys, but I'm not showing up for biting. Let me know if you can work something out."
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    9 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Where humidity isn't just a word, it's a way of life.
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    Default

    Handle him as you would want others to handle your DD if she was out of line, and tell them exactly that.

    (of course, if it were me, I would also explain to them exactly what is going to happen if/when he very purposely hurts my daughter, but I'm a bitch that way.)


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    I feel sorry for the little buggar. Having poor language skills (being a little boy) and then being in daycare all the time?

    It would be like working in Mickey D's in a train station in China to those of us who speak English. It's exhausting and frustrating for a little tyke to spend hours and hours trying to get along with "the public" given the few skills he has.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    I needed the confirmation that I was going about it the right way, thanks!

    I would never yell or lay a hand on him (even though sometimes it's really hard not to... I wouldn't ever hit a child), but his behavior is way out of control. I could ignore it when he was flinging ice cream and when he's destroying things I stay out of it. I just get involved when he bites or otherwise acts out against DH, DD, or I.

    DH has told me that he'll back me up if I don't want to bring DD down there.

    I agree that a lot of it stems from his poor language skills, he gets 'help' at daycare, but I don't think that it's by a professional.
    Last edited by Superminion; Nov. 26, 2012 at 02:33 PM. Reason: added more
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    And then again, the brat's parents are there and they're ignoring their little BCP failure. It doesn't take a village, it takes adults parenting their brats before they become brats.

    One hand on your little girl and the boy is toast. Terrorize his little dysfunctional brains out of him. Doesn't matter what his problem is, it's not your problem to deal with (especially since the his sperm/egg donors are present.) You never sacrifice the healthy and good kids for the family flotsum...no excuses.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    8 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    FWIW, one thing you have going for you in SPADES is the fact that your husband is backing you up.

    He should get a cookie for that.

    Not many men seem willing to stand up to their families for their wives IME.

    So you've got that at least.

    I have an idea....let that jackwad from next door come on over and scare the bejeezuz out of the famdamily.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    8 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    whoa, first of all, don't rush to blame daycare. My son was in daycare "full time" at 3 and he wasn't like that. Maybe the daycare he was in had better standards, but my guess is that most daycares really don't want a whole herd of kicking, poking, biting little brats. He's doing it because his parents are obviously letting him get away with it - and you know that because it's happening right in front of you.

    What on earth is "apraxcic"? could this have something to do with it? Or is it because of this diagnosis that his parents treat him so delicately? I am not familiar with this diagnosis.


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  13. #13
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    Can you show him (model) more appropriate behaviour? Rather than Don't Bite, say Touch Nicely and show him.

    It sounds like his language is somewhat delayed and if he is apraxic, his motor skills are. So pinching and biting might really be a lot of the skill in his repertoire. At daycare, a lot of the attention the kids tend to get are in response to negative behaviour, so this really may be most of what he has developed in terms of interacting, unfortunately.


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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Superminion View Post
    My nephew is three, and has a serious listening problem. He flings things at the table, yells, screams, doesn't listen, and is just generally obnoxious. I know that a good bit of it is because he's three. His parents don't do much about it, they both work long hours (so he's in daycare, which is 99% of his problem), they are expecting their second baby in May. He is also apraxcic (sp?).

    I know that I can't parent him, but when we were at my in-laws for Thanksgiving, he wanted to see DD (who I was feeding). I told him that he would have to wait a second until she was done. He got angry and bit my knee. I handed DD to DH, got down to his level and very firmly (I didn't yell) said "We. Don't. Bite." while I looked him in the eye. He freaked, and threw a tempertantrum. I resumed what I was doing with DD, ignoring the tantrum. Both my SIL and MIL got angry with me for making him cry.

    Later that day, I was playing with DD on the floor and he tried to kick her. It's not the first time that he's tried to hit/pinch/poke/bite/kick her. Each time I look him the eye and firmly tell him that we don't do that. I don't ever touch him. He cries and my in-laws get pissy. They are usually always there when we are, and DD hates to be held all the time. It's not safe for her to be down around him though.

    DH backs me up, and tries to explain that I'm not hurting him, but they always get mad. We try not to leave DD alone with them, because we know that they don't see anything wrong with his behavior.

    What do I do? Ignore it?

    The problem is his parents 100%. I would ignore it unless it involves you, your children or takes place in your home. I really fear what will happen when the new baby comes along.

    His age does not excuse his behavior.


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  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Superminion View Post
    I needed the confirmation that I was going about it the right way, thanks!

    I would never yell or lay a hand on him (even though sometimes it's really hard not to... I wouldn't ever hit a child), but his behavior is way out of control. I could ignore it when he was flinging ice cream and when he's destroying things I stay out of it. I just get involved when he bites or otherwise acts out against DH, DD, or I.
    I went through many wooden spoons in raising my three children. I didn't spank out of anger or frustration, it was a consequence of a particular behavior. Sometimes a " talking to or time out" just doesn't cut it like a good old fashioned spanking does. Spare the rod and spoil the child speaks for itself.
    As young adults of 19, 17 & 15 they are neither violent, have never been in a fight, in trouble and are great people who know that there are boundaries and limits that we all must respect.


    14 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    My cursory scan of apraxia online indicate that it is a disorder in theperson's speech and oral motor movements. Basically, the person has a very difficult time communicating.

    I'm not trying to excuse the child's behavior, but I can empathize with his tremendous frustration with communication. It is hard enough to communicate with adults at age 3. I remember IF Jr would make up words for things and get incredibly frustrated with us when we didn't understand him. Also biting is a phase that most young children go through. (I can remember when IF Jr bit me when I put his tray table up for take-off on an airplane.) Again, it is generally due to frustration and/or an ability to communicate.

    I think the OP may be expecting an adult response from the child. Looking him in the eye and stating a correction is probably not something he understands clearly hence the tantrum. He's 3 years old and he acts his age. Would it be possible to make the correction and include a redirection as well? I would look for some other tactic than direct confrontation as that does not seem to be working. Have his parents tried speech therapy for him?

    And I have every sympathy for the OP. It is very difficult to have to deal with a child that has poor interpersonal skills and unfortunate behavior.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
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  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by oldpony66 View Post
    whoa, first of all, don't rush to blame daycare. My son was in daycare "full time" at 3 and he wasn't like that. Maybe the daycare he was in had better standards, but my guess is that most daycares really don't want a whole herd of kicking, poking, biting little brats. He's doing it because his parents are obviously letting him get away with it - and you know that because it's happening right in front of you.

    What on earth is "apraxcic"? could this have something to do with it? Or is it because of this diagnosis that his parents treat him so delicately? I am not familiar with this diagnosis.
    Apraxia

    Example

    I know my spelling was less than steller. I probably should have googled first.

    They strike me as being in denial about it. They don't really acknowledge that he has a problem, but you can see him getting really frustrated when he's trying to get something out. I suggested that maybe they work on some simple sign language with him, but was met with "Why? He doesn't have a real problem. They are fixing it in daycare." He sounds worse than the little girl in the video.

    I try not to ever blame a daycare situation, I have a few friends who have children in daycare and they are flourishing. This daycare, however, not so much. I've met his provider and I don't think highly of her.

    I almost feel bad for him, but the fact remains that I'm not going to put up with his shennanigans around me, DH, or my daughter. DH has kind of taken the same hard line that I have, but he's uncomfortable about it. He hasn't ever been around kids, until Nephew came around, and even then he wasn't really involved.

    DH deserves lots of cookies for standing up for me. He's a keeper that one.

    I'll have to try that Come Shine.

    His motor skills are seemingly fantastic. I don't know a whole lot about it, so you may be right. I've just never seen him just chill out, or handle a punishment (time out, saying we don't do that, etc.) with out a freak out.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.



  18. #18
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    I think you did right and have all the right things going for you (a DH who will back you up is the BEST).

    I think the day care comment was more in line that the child is not getting enough attention from his parents when he IS with them. If being good doesn't work then be bad, that always gets someone's attention.


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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by candyappy View Post
    I went through many wooden spoons in raising my three children. I didn't spank out of anger or frustration, it was a consequence of a particular behavior. Sometimes a " talking to or time out" just doesn't cut it like a good old fashioned spanking does. Spare the rod and spoil the child speaks for itself.
    As young adults of 19, 17 & 15 they are neither violent, have never been in a fight, in trouble and are great people who know that there are boundaries and limits that we all must respect.

    I disagree with the "Spare the rod" saying. My girls are very well behaved and I get comments frequently on how good they are, and I have NEVER spanked them. It doesn't mean they don't have consequences for their actions, it just means that they are not spanked.

    I don't care if people choose to spank their child, it's none of my business, but that saying does bother me, because it's just not true. I've seen children who are spanked that are still little shits, and children who have never been spanked that are great kids.

    OP I think it's awesome that your husband is backing you up. You are not doing anything that seems out of line IMO, because you only intervene when it affects you or your immediate family. Your daughter has every right to not be harmed by her cousin. I'd start backing out of family functions if necessary.


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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by IronwoodFarm View Post
    My cursory scan of apraxia online indicate that it is a disorder in the[SIZE=2] person's speech and oral motor movements. Basically, the person has a very difficult time communicating.

    I'm not trying to excuse the child's behavior, but I can empathize with his tremendous frustration with communication. It is hard enough to communicate with adults at age 3. I remember IF Jr would make up words for things and get incredibly frustrated with us when we didn't understand him. Also biting is a phase that most young children go through. Again, it is generally due to frustration and/or an ability to communicate.

    I think the OP may be expecting an adult response from the child. Looking him in the eye and stating a correction is probably not something he understands clearly hence the tantrum. He's 3 years old and he acts his age. Would it be possible to make the correction and include a redirection as well? I would look for some other tactic than direct confrontation as that does not seem to be working. Have his parents tried speech therapy for him?

    And I have every sympathy for the OP. It is very difficult to have to deal with a child that has poor interpersonal skills.
    He's in 'therapy' at daycare, but his provider only has a high school degree. In my opinion, he needs more than that.

    What kind of redirection would you suggest? I'm geniunely intrested. I'm a fairly novice child upbringer. I had a few girls that I nannied who were rather disrespectful, and this was the approach I took with them. It's the same one that I plan on taking with DD. They were 4 and 10, however, neither had any developmental issues.

    I should have clarified, candyappy. I wouldn't ever lay a hand on a child that's not mine. I was a handful as a wee one, and my mother went through a fair amount of spoons as well. I'm not sure where I stand on spaking with DD.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.



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