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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
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    5,627

    Default Dealing with the insecure friend?

    It has become apparent that a friend of mine has some body insecurity/jealousy issues, and I'm just curious to hear how others have dealt with similar relationships.

    Said friend makes occasional appearance-related comments between herself and me. For example, when we go hot tubbing - 'Oh, I used to be skinny like you! But at least I've got much bigger boobs than you' or when she was saddle shopping, how she couldn't even consider a test ride in my deep-seated 17" dressage saddle because my butt is way bigger and she "only takes a 16.5".

    I don't really mind too terribly much, I'm perfectly healthy and happy with myself, but what the fruitbat? WWYD? I'm not running around scantily-clad, flaunting myself in front of her or anyone else. Thus far, I've just let it be, but it's getting old, and is embarrassing when said comments are made in front of other friends and family members.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 2, 2009
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    446

    Default

    Some people only feel better about themselves if they tear you down. I feel like if thats the way they are I may not need them around. I can make myself feel bad without their help!
    Strange how much you've got to know Before you know how little you know. Anonymous


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2009
    Posts
    1,164

    Default

    Have you thought of having a heart-to-heart with her about this ? Tell her how much you value your friendship, but ask her why she needs to give you 'backhanded' compliments all the time ? She may not even realize she's doing it, and even if it doesn't bother your self-image it is really irritating after a while.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
    Posts
    889

    Default

    I have a friend like that. I don't see her often enough to care anymore, but when we had to see each other every day her little jabs kinda got old. I just consider the source and I'm happy I rarely see her anymore.

    As others have said though, if you value her friendship maybe have a talk with her about it.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 26, 2010
    Posts
    3,967

    Default

    If this is a friendship that you might want to keep then have a conversation about this. If she quits this behavior then keep her as a friend. If she continues the backhanded compliments then I'd move on. Someone who criticizes you like that and refuses to change is someone who is not a true friend. Give her a chance or two to change then look for other people to surround yourself with who are positive.


    I used to attend a knitting group with a bunch of very nice people. However, there was one woman in the group who was constantly dishing out backhanded compliments to just about everybody. Turns out this woman was incredibly insecure. I eventually moved to a different knitting group just because the negativity overpowered the whole group and it wasn't worth it anymore. Not that there wasn't a bit of drama in the other group, but it was large enough so that one person couldn't really take over the whole group.
    Last edited by SnicklefritzG; Nov. 25, 2012 at 06:52 PM.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,401

    Default

    I had a friend like that in college. She was very attractive, so really don't know why she was so insecure. I ignored the comments, they didn't bother me at all. The motivation was pretty clear. I was usually kind of embarrassed for her, especially the one time she made one in front of some other friends and they burst out laughing, as they'd all recognized it for what it was and her comment had been patently ridiculous. I honestly felt a little sorry for her much of the time, it must stink to be that insecure and competitive.


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  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2008
    Location
    Rochester, NY
    Posts
    2,035

    Default

    No real advice but I can emphasize & am going to latch onto your thread to vent. My SO's Mom is unbelievably insecure. I consider this woman a friend. She is a WONDERFUL person, kind hearted and sweet, funny and intelligent and very, very thoughtful, but her insecurities make her exasperating to be around. She is constantly tearing herself down vocally, loudly apologizing for her perceived short comings. It is truly exhausting. We went to her place for T-giving; this woman spent all day making a massive, lovely spread for the three of us, refused all offers to help. The first words out of her mouth after hello were "I hope it doesn't suck too bad, but it probably does, so I'm sorry." She kept on apologizing for the entire time we were there. She's not fishing for compliments; she really, honestly believes that everything she does is sub par or inferior to what someone else could do.

    The first day Sandy rolled through town, she posted on FB that she had a flat tire in the parking lot at her work. She was planning on walking home, in the storm, at night, about 13 miles through heavily developed not-pedestrian-friendly commercial areas. She didn't "want to be a bother" to anyone. Of course we went over there, attempted to change her tire and when we failed used my AAA for her car; she spent the whole time we were waiting for the truck apologizing to SO & I for "ruining our night".

    We have a group of friends who know her pretty well from before SO & I were together. He has no DL so she was often around picking him up, etc. Now I do most of the driving duty and the friends ask after her constantly, wishing she would come hang out again like she did when she was head cabbie- but she won't come spend time with them/us because she "doesn't want to intrude".

    She tears her appearance down constantly as well. She is a cute, fit lady and it's very hard to see her beat herself up so.

    Part of me wants to know who was so cruel to her in her past to understand why she feels she is such a failure & burden, but I don't know how relevant it really is at this point. We try very hard to be patient and kind and show her that we love her and appreciate her efforts, but she really can't seem to hear us over her internal monologue of self-loathing. It's completely exhausting and does, honestly, make it harder to be around her, so it becomes quite a vicious cycle. I wish I knew a way to help her understand & see what others see in her.

    I know this isn't exactly the same situation & I'm sorry to hijack. Just desperately needed to vent. I feel your pain.
    bar.ka think u al.l. susp.ect
    free bar.ka and tidy rabbit


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2002
    Location
    Spain
    Posts
    534

    Default

    I went on holiday with two older friend years ago, they kept on about how men prefer small boobs (I have biggish ones) after all this time i've finally thought of a come-back !
    "That's not what your husband told me"...
    though i'd never say it and it wouldn't be true. I just don't get why they wanted to dig at me like that I mean, I don't have biggish ones any more deliberately than they have smallish ones :lol



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    8,508

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    I honestly would not bother with a person like this in my life.

    The comments wouldn't bother me on a personal security level or anything, I just have much better people to hang out with.


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  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
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    Oregon
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    5,627

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by raff View Post
    I went on holiday with two older friend years ago, they kept on about how men prefer small boobs (I have biggish ones) after all this time i've finally thought of a come-back !
    "That's not what your husband told me"...
    though i'd never say it and it wouldn't be true. I just don't get why they wanted to dig at me like that I mean, I don't have biggish ones any more deliberately than they have smallish ones :lol
    Some prefer small ones, some prefer big ones, some prefer something in between... Like anything, you can't paint everyone with the same brush. Maybe you just looked so darn awesome that they were jealous!
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    1 members found this post helpful.

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