So this all started last January. Met this guy at work. We started dating. We dated for about 2 months until it came out that he had a girlfriend whom he lived with when we met and he was also seeing someone else. We broke up. I saw him multiple times as we have a lot of the same friends for about four months. Then in August he asked me to give him a real chance to be together. I was really apprehensive but we had spent so much time together that its like we were dating anyway. He clearly has some commitment issues but he is a great person in so many other ways. He's always willing to do anything for me and go anywhere with me. To not draw that part out he's basically a wonderful boyfriend outside of being a total slime bag in the beginning. I'm not sure I will ever trust him. It's been four months at this point since we decided to give it a try. He's very open with his phone and I do hear from him all the time and am with him usually. On the other hand I'm not with him 24/7 and he's not on Facebook anymore. That isn't a big deal and sounds really stupid to mention but I guess it raises a red flag for me because its essentially impossible to hide stuff if you're on FB and being tagged in pictures and all that BS. I'm not even big on Facebook but I think you can see where I'm coming from there. I'm basically 50/50 at this point. I don't know if I'm ever going to really trust him which seems like unnecessary stress. I have a hard time believing that someone who could be that terrible to play multiple women at the same time and cheat on all of his girlfriends can change. This is a 38 year old man we are talking about here by the way. On the other hand, I haven't found a reason to leave in this time and we did stay connected for a long time after we stopped dating the first time. He has repented a million times for these things but I am in the boat of "when someone shows you their true colors, Believe them". I just am having a difficult time telling which color is true. What do I do?
You're dating a proved whore whom you don't trust..... Other than being a whore you don't trust he's rather fun. Other than the diseases he might be exposing you to...you are wondering whether you should continue with this relationship? If you're having sex with him I'd say insist on condoms and get tested for herpes since a condom won't save you from that.
He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).
You either trust him or you don't. Figure out which one it is and make a decision based on that.
He's repented a million times...why? Who brings it up? Him or you? (Trying to establish a time line based on info you've given) It sounds like you've been back together 3 months now? And you're STILL dwelling on something that happened 8 months ago?
Get over it already.
You already know who/what he is. Either you can live with it or you can't. Decide and act accordingly.
Even if he has miraculously changed his ways harping on his previous indiscretions is only going to drive him away at some point. It'll piss him off, he'll get sick of apologizing over and over, and he'll use it as an excuse to resume previous behaviors or he'll simply dump you.
a) Accept him for who/what he is and stop driving yourself nuts over this, or
b) Decide you don't want to take the emotional risks and end it, or
c) Haul both your butts in for some relationship counseling to find out why he 1) behaved in this manner and 2) why you can't let go of it.
But do something because if you stay stuck in this limbo where you're not trusting him and not trusting his judgement and letting the relationship be consumed by his past actions, then you'll just be that crazy girlfriend who makes him miserable and he'll just start getting his jollies somewhere else again because being with you will be no fun. Not saying it's right, not saying your insecurities are a valid excuse for cheating but I think we've all seen these situations play out time and again. Ask anyone who's cheated, most common response you'll get is "I'm not happy with my partner".
And FFS, don't be worrying about facebook of all things. I can't tell you how many newish relationships I've seen go down the pisser over internet crap. What the heck does it matter if he is or isn't on facebook? Because you can't FB stalk him, check up on who's pics he's being tagged in, who he's friends with?
That just isn't healthy behavior. (Neither is checking phone either BTW) How long do you expect him to put up with personal intrusions like that *if* he is on the up-and-up? And if you honest-to-god think you NEED to be checking his phone and internet activities then you don't trust him so that begs the question...why are you with him?
if you were talking about a 20 year old, I'd say give it a try... but a 38 year old has had enough chances to change his behavior. Dating multiple people is a college kid thing. He will do it again for sure. He probably played the same game with the girlfriend he had when you met him, the whole "it's different with you" thing... sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but you're asking for opinions so here is mine. Now if you're having a good time with him and you think you will be able to handle it when things start going wrong, then have fun and don't worry about it. Ask yourself what you really want from this relationship and take only the good stuff... If what you want is a partner for life and a dad for your future kids, this doesn't sound like the easy route though.
drop it like it's hot. there's men out there willing to respect you and treat you like a real woman. I was in a similar situation, except I ignored him for 3 years after the 2nd time he cheated/treated me like a 2nd choice backup girl, and I gave him a 3rd chance after he came into contact me again. I thought he changed. He begged me to visit him for a long weekend, and I did -- and found out he was also dating a girl in London.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body / love what it loves
"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver
I agree with what Miloute55 said. When people are in their 30's and definitely late 30's and beyond, they should have a pretty good idea who they are and what they want. Casually dating multiple people is definitely what people do when they are younger and trying to "find themselves". If he's still doing this at his age, he is very immature. Either that, or he has major commitment problems and can't settle on any one person for any length of time.
If you feel the need to come on the internet, under an alias or not, that already tells you that you are feeling uncomfortable. Personally, I'd keep him as a friend but not boyfriend, not significant other or anything else. Look for ways to get yourself out there to meet other people. I imagine that if you are busy with your hobbies and are meeting other guys, this one won't be causing you so much grief...because you won't thinking about him.
This kind of immaturity is not worth dealing with. I once went out with a guy (only twice mind you) who said...and this is a direct quote..."I'm not into dating. I'm just into hanging out and seeing what happens." That's what people do in high school. It shouldn't be what they do in their early 40's which is what this guy was at the time.
As the person who has been cheated on, I am telling you to leave this loser. You are not and will not be his only pursuit. You may be the girl right now, but someone else will come up. These guys don't just change that easily. By now, I think you're looking at learned behavior with him at his age and he doesn't know how to change his habits. I think he needs to have multiple relationship failures to the point where he is completely unsatisfied with his lot in life before he would even internalize the need for him to change his actions. And even then, it's not a sure thing. These guys don't get that their biggest cock block is themselves.
I agree with GaitedGloryRider--he showed you what he is, either you can live with it, you can believe he's changed, or you can't/don't. Your choice.
And you can't hide things on Facebook? Please. Only people incapable of reading/manipulating the security settings can't hide anything. Whether he is or isn't there (if he really isn't) means diddly. He's shown you to your face what he is. Decide if you can live with that or not.
You knew the answer before you even posted, didn't you?
If you have to ask us, then you already know what you should do, and what you want to do. DOn't waste your life waiting for him to cheat again, because he's done in before, he's done it with you, and he'll do it to you (if he isn't already, and that's probably happening too). He's not someone who dated another girl, but at least one other one he was cheating on with you. I bet the other girl dumped him, and that's when he came back to you. Dump him and don't look back, before you come back her on another off topic day because his other girlfriend showed up, or maybe a wife or two.