I had liked Quaker Oats page for a freebie a while ago, and when I did they took it upon themselves to boost something I'd written on someone else's page and put it in their wall and say I had been talking about Quaker Oats to a friend.
Problem is, it was sincere condolences for the family and friends of a friend of mine who had committed suicide. I'd written it on his wall because his wife had used his wall to let everyone know.
I know it was a random pluck on Quaker's part, but I told them three times and they never even addressed it or pulled it.
I have another "active" page of a friend who was killed two years ago in a car accident. A few games I play are always suggesting I add her. I'm just guessing, but I'd wager I probably wouldn't get much help from her on those games.
My son died in a car accident a year and a half ago. His FB page is still active. Right after he died, many friends and family members posted pictures and messages. Now, from time to time, someone will post a message like, "We were playing poker tonight and got to talking about the time you xxxx. We sure miss you." Or, "I was driving past xxx today and thought of you." Or, "Hey, man, remember the time we xxx? We had some fun, didn't we?"
I like reading those posts and sometimes, I like going back and looking through the pictures. I like knowing that people remember him and I like reading about how he touched people's lives. I find comfort in it.
I got "friended" by someone who passed. How does that work? Does FB just "friend" me? I find it disturbing. I don't do death well. Dragged to funerals as young child and made to go up to the coffin. It had a bad effect on me!!!
Strange how much you've got to know Before you know how little you know. Anonymous
This thread hits home for me, and not in a great way.
On New Year's Day 2008 I lost a very close colleague who was murdered. What was particularly upsetting was not the presence of his FB page, but to receive notifications from other social networking sites such as "see what XXX has been up to!" Or "we're suggesting that you connect with XXX!"
He's DEAD, he's up to being DEAD, he was stolen from us at age 36 and I'll never connect with his unique self again, thankyouverymuch.
On September 18 of this year I lost a close friend under similarly horrific circumstances (suicide bombing attack). I had deleted my FB page over a year ago and I must admit that in some ways I felt left out of the grieving and tributes that I know poured in from all over the world onto his FB page, but was grateful to connect in a more personalized way with our respective friends by old fashioned means (email).
But seeing as I'm utterly shattered by this loss, if I ever received one notification regarding him, I'd really lose it. Receiving the notifications to link up with my dead colleague was really awful and so I think knowing my own reaction it's really better that I just don't have a FB page, period.
I know that keeping a page active must be a tremendous comfort to grieving family members. After all, we all grieve a bit differently. But it's good to keep in mind that some people may not be thrilled with the auto-notifications that could be generated in the dead person's name, that's all.
It's also a good reminder to everyone that in addition to having a will, it's important to plan ahead and deal with one's online life.
To that end, I have a document with all of my passwords, etc. in an encrypted file that I've given to a friend that I trust implicitly, who has the encryption password and knows that in the event something happens to me, they are to contact my family with the information in order to settle my affairs. If I update passwords, I update the file and just send it along.
It's likely not the most high-tech or even secure solution but a least I'm trying.
My biological mom died a few years ago and for months and months her husband kept posting under her account and not saying that it was him posting. Commenting on my pictures. It was very upsetting and disturbing to see that 'she' had liked a photo of mine, or similar. So painful. He didn't listen to the family's suggestions to freeze the page, and i really did want it to stay around because there were a lot of photos of her that I enjoyed seeing. I had the forethought to save some of them, but not all. I only got to know her for about two years, and photos are basically all I have. I don't have a good relationship with her husband. He would get his anger out on me, and if he thought I wasn't contacting his daughter enough, he would remove me as a friend from my deceased bio mom's account. I told him how deeply that hurt my feelings and he'd apologize and then do it two weeks later. Bastard. Then one day, he just deleted her account completely and everything was lost.
I think leaving a page active after a person dies, so that people can post memories and such on the wall, is ok. I think. I haven't had this happen to me, to be honest. I haven't lost anyone close since Facebook has been around.
I do know that if Facebook had existed when my dad was alive, I never would have logged in and posted as him, and I would have been very distraught if anyone had.
I left my late husband's Facebook Profile up. It just felt wrong to delete it, and I had no way of contacting most of his old friends to let them know, so I had to do it via his Facebook profile. What get's me is all the friend requests he still gets - from old friend's, classmates, etc. Folks still like to post things to his wall, and although I find that a bit odd, it doesn't bother me. If it bothers you, you can always "defriend" the person, or choose to hide their updates from your newsfeed.
To be honest, what creeps me out the most is dead horses posting on COTH......(wonder how many thumbs down I'll get from this...)
I like the pages being left up. It is comforting to be able to write on their wall and tell them that we miss them, etc.
It is a little disturbing though when it's obvious that someone didn't get the memo they passed on and post something like "I hope you have a great birthday and go out and do something fun with your family" or whatever.
But overall, I like having something left to post on and to know that there are also others in the same boat.
My boyfriend died six months ago. In the first days after his death, the posts on his wall were comforting. A number of people who knew of me but who I had never met were able to contact me by figuring out who I was on his friends list. Similarly, I was able to reach out to some people through his friends list. His facebook account served an useful function at that time.
I think some of his friends and family continue to find comfort in posting or reading his facebook page. I don't. I found it a bit creepy on his birthday, almost four months after he died, to see all the posts. Now I occassionally get a "BF likes XYZ" which I find totally disconcerting and almost hurtful. I wish the account were closed but others clearly like it. As someone earlier said, everyone grieves differently.
My Mom passed away 2 years ago. I'm the only one who knows her password and do sign into her account every 6 months or so. Right after her passing I did post as her to notify people about her memorial service and to let them know that my family appreciated the messages we received. Now I just read PM's and do respond, but letting people know that I am her daughter and she passed. It's nice to see her friends still posting memories
**Friend of bar.ka**
Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
My equine soulmate
It depends. If someone is using the page to continue posting things, I find that creepy. However, if the page is just left up for others to post on, I'm alright with that. I had a friend who passed away from cancer a few years ago and her page is still up. The only thing it's used for is for people to post things such as "hey angel, I was thinking of you today..." etc. I don't have a problem with that.
"People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"
A close friend of mine still has a FB page; it must be 3-4 years since he passed. The circle of once-close friends is no longer close, in fact we are not all FB friends with one another, but on Andrew's birthday and other random times of year when one of us is reminded of him, there will be a few more posts. I like it. A lot.
On occasion I will get some notification like "Andrew Xxxx and Mary Yyyyy like Hilton Hotels" which I'm sure stems from before he died and showed up because Mary just now liked whatever it was. It gives me a bit of a stir but doesn't bother me. Andrew would find it amusing.
Arrange whatever pieces come your way. - Virginia Woolf
Did you know that if you say the word "GULLIBLE" really softly, it sounds like "ORANGES"?
My mom's FB page still exists. Her husband and my brother and I occasionally post something like "I miss you" or something similar. When she first died it would make me sad to see her listed as someone for games I played and such.
We have a friend who posts as his deceased wife sometimes. It used to bug me until I realized it made him happy and it wasn't about me. It was about what he needed.
A former trainer of mine passed away early this year. She was much beloved in the community by horse-people and others alike. Her FB page was memorialized. If I recall the conversation correctly, her husband had to sign up for FB and give permission and provide documentation etc., before it could be done.
It is a really nice tribute...nice to check her wall occasionally and read about the people that are thinking of her (like I do, often), or remembering different things.
Creepy would be someone logging in as the deceased and doing 'normal' FB stuff--liking/commenting/etc.,
One of my best friends killed herself on Oct 9th. Her FB page is still up. I have to admit, when I hear a song that reminds me of her, I'll pull it up on YouTube and post it on her page. I miss her so much and it is a way that I can still have her in my life.
Member of the "I Ride A Chestnut Thoroughbred Mare, So You Don't Scare Me Clique"
I don't think those situations bother me. I understand that family members may not be able to or may not even think of disabling a FB page.
I'm bothered by comments to the dead on FB. My sister-in-law still posts comments to her stillborn child. She lost the baby 1.5 years ago. It's very sad, but sometimes you would think she were talking to her living child rather than the stillborn baby. It's a bit morbid.
Everyone grieves in their own way... I have a close friend who had a stillborn a year ago. I cannot fathom walking in her shoes, and I have miscarried. She visited the grave daily for months and still goes regularly. I wouldn't begrudge her posting to the child on FB. Perhaps you can hide your SIL from your newsfeed.
I had an acquaintance/not very close friend in high school that I lost touch with a couple years ago. About 3 years ago she committed suicide. Since I wasn't going to her funeral or anything I just decided to write a private message on facebook. Just a short little thing saying nothing important really. Well... the next day I get a message back from said person. Kind of freaked me out a little. But when I opened the message it was her little sister who read my message and then wrote a really mean and hateful comment back to me accusing me of being a b!tch for the message I sent. I didn't even say anything mean in it at all. Hmmm.
Her facebook page is still up. Her family and close friends still write on it every once in a while. I don't really get it... but if it is their way of dealing with it, then I'm okay with it.