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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2002
    Location
    Alpharetta, GA
    Posts
    2,308

    Default

    I'm not trying to critisize you, OP. I'm just trying to point out that you're hurt because you seem to feel that you give and you don't get what you expect in return. Stop working so hard to please others by "doing nice things". Be yourself. Your friends will enjoy your company and companionship. They'll enjoy your humor. They'll enjoy your kindness as shown by a encouraging word, not a bundt cake. Let your friends enjoy YOU, not the things you can do for them.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Nov. 22, 2012
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Gotcha... thank you. You and everyone else are right. I have to just move forward knowing how to say NO, ask for help, and be supportive of my friends in a healthier way.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,119

    Default

    You are a people pleaser, and many people take advantage of that. I call them "users", and for a good reason. They aren't friends, just blood suckers that will take whatever you will give, and do nothing in return. And you already know that "No" is a complete sentence, and you need to lookout for yourself. And don't loan your trailer or truck until you find out if that cancels your insurance.

    You are a good person, and there are many people out there that will use that against you. Some people really will use you for all they can get, but they are not worth worrying about. Friendships aren't always 50/50, but the majority of time they should be, so as you realize you need to take care of yourself first, and let the others do their own work. Don't be surprised when certain people ask why they have to do their own work, or seem offended when you don't do it for them, and that is one way you identify a real user.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
    Posts
    274

    Default

    I don't know that you should write your friends off as losers just yet. Maybe your 'help' is just not that helpful? Maybe they prefer to do things themselves, their own way but you are not listening? My MIL is a constant 'helper' and it's a right pain in the ass. She genuine believes that the things she does helps, but it not only is it not helpful, it also sucks the fun out things for those she helps have a think about your friends reactions. In our case, a quick thanks if we are feeling generous silence if we are not. I know my MIL gets hurt when people don't acknowledge her 'help' but sometimes it's all we can do not to take her head off we have come to accept that is just how she is...it doesn't mean we have to like it though. Sometimes the best help you can be is to leave people alone to do their own thing.
    At shows your friends could be showing you how they prefer to be treated, cleaning their own gear and stall? The cleaning of your rig, did they offer and you decline and then be puzzled and hurt why they took you at your word?
    I'm not trying to poke fingers at you, just giving you an alternative view.
    * my MIL is so 'helpful' that her Mimister called a few years back to see if we could talk to her about not being so helpful at funerals. One of the more off the wall conversations I've had he was the one with the people skills and should have been able to talk it through with her himself!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2009
    Posts
    81

    Default

    Maybe you feel insecure, that other people won't like you, if you aren't useful to them. Most people only have a few real friends. Your real friends love you for you and not because of what you can do for them. When it comes to people, quality out ranks quantity.



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
    Posts
    2,470

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SendenHorse View Post
    well, this is all something that can easily be changed. you are being used, just stop doing these things for them. You need to communicate your wishes (ie- "I take you to the show/rally and then YOU clean the trailer with me when we get back. Deal?") What is obvious to one is a revalation to another. Why should they do work when you will? LOL...

    People take a mile when you give them an inch. You just have to be ok not being "liked" for being "nice".
    Not knowing how to communicate your needs, or not being willing to communicate your needs is immature. I say this with humility, because I used to do that foolish "If You Loved Me You Would KNOW Why I'm Mad At You thing.

    It is not fair to expect people to read your mind. Even when it comes to actions that seem like common sense, if it's not the right thing, you need to say something. After all, if everyone from the barn is using your fly spray and you cheerfully say, "Sure! No problem!" it will start to seem like it really IS no problem.

    You say sometimes "they pick their horses and leave mine." Now, these people are probably being thoughtless, but just to play the Devil's Advocate, it could be that you are actually encroaching. Maybe they don't want you to pick their stalls, and don't want to encourage this exchange -- which is why they don't reciprocate.

    I must say that if I were at a show, I might want to just do my classes, take care of my own horse and not feel obliged to join in a communal chore fest. Again, Devil's Advocate -- I could be way off base.

    Stop cleaning their stalls. Stop loaning equipment. Rehearse how you will refuse them the next time they ask to borrow and don't feel bad about being honest.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2011
    Location
    So California
    Posts
    2,470

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamwalker View Post
    I don't know that you should write your friends off as losers just yet. Maybe your 'help' is just not that helpful? Maybe they prefer to do things themselves, their own way but you are not listening? My MIL is a constant 'helper' and it's a right pain in the ass. She genuine believes that the things she does helps, but it not only is it not helpful, it also sucks the fun out things for those she helps have a think about your friends reactions. In our case, a quick thanks if we are feeling generous silence if we are not. I know my MIL gets hurt when people don't acknowledge her 'help' but sometimes it's all we can do not to take her head off we have come to accept that is just how she is...it doesn't mean we have to like it though. Sometimes the best help you can be is to leave people alone to do their own thing.
    At shows your friends could be showing you how they prefer to be treated, cleaning their own gear and stall? The cleaning of your rig, did they offer and you decline and then be puzzled and hurt why they took you at your word?
    I'm not trying to poke fingers at you, just giving you an alternative view.
    * my MIL is so 'helpful' that her Mimister called a few years back to see if we could talk to her about not being so helpful at funerals. One of the more off the wall conversations I've had he was the one with the people skills and should have been able to talk it through with her himself!
    I think you said this better than I did. I have a relative like this too.



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