It's a long story and I'll spare you the details, but the gist of it is this: I have small children and feel trapped in an unhappy marriage because I moved out of my home state, away from family, and quit my job so my husband could take a new job. I know few people here, I'm a stay at home mom, and I do pretty much everything as far as taking care of the kids and as a bonus I get to clean up after my husband. I love my kids. As far as my husband, I feel unappreciated, undervalued and alone. When I try to talk about it he gets defensive and mean (mean as in verbally mean).
What I want to know is, how do I get out? I make virtually no money. Can I get primary custody? Can I move back to my home state with my kids? I don't even know where to start.
Not enough info provided to answer the questions, esp regards location etc. Laws vary considerably from state to state. A lawyer would be the best place to start. Some may even offer a free, or reduced, initial consult if you are means challenged.
Good luck with it. Don't envy your position. But certainly find out where you stand with the law before you do anything rash.
It depends on the state, and the judge, and on your individual situation. And you need to talk to a family law attorney. I know some people who are in stepparent situations, and cannot move or have to live in long distance relationships because of custody rules.
OP I think your lonely. Your in a new city and feeling out of sorts. Do you quilt/want to quilt? Do you have/want a horse? You need to find a path before you toss in your marriage. Join a quilting group, if your horse is at home move him to a boarding stable. I don't have children but I have had friends who've gotten involved in play date activities. One woman I knew once a week belonged to a group and they took all the kids to a park for a picnic (I know it's winter but you get the drift) and they would have a blast. If you have a dog join a dog training class.
I personally know how destructive sitting and brooding can be. The problem might be in your marriage, but finding a path could also help you if you do decide to move on. I'm also in a new city right now with a new job, and it all gets overwhelming. Slowly I'm meeting people and my horses are a great way for me to meet like minded people. I'm moving them this weekend to a much better place both for them and for me.
Stay strong and think outside the box. Take one small step tomorrow and then just keep on going until you know exactly what you need to do.
IF you are certain that you want out and a divorce, then you should absolutely speak to a lawyer. But if you are concerned for your safety,move first, probably back to your family, then file. Jurisdi tion for custody is usually determined by where the children live,and once you've moved, it's pretty much impossible for a court to force you back. If you decide to move, get all your ducks in a row..set aside money, be prepared to leave with ONLY what you can bring. Make sure you're driving a car that's in your name, or rent one. If you fly, you can ship extra stuff to yourself by mail.
Be safe and best of luck to you.
You might try Couples Counseling, see if you can learn to "communicate" better. It is really easy to get into destructive fighting patterns, where neither is actually "hearing" what the other is saying. You get a Referee, to break the cycle, make you stop and repeat things back, to FIND the true meaning in the words. Not just "what you think s/he means" when they speak to the partner.
It is really easy to draw that line in the sand, make it so you can't ever get back together. Problems might be resolved or at least improve the situation, if the pair can learn to actually talk and LISTEN to what the other is saying. Decipher the true MEANING of those words from the other persons side. Seems like folks give up on each other so easily, because they don't really communicate. They just fly off the handle for the least reason, because it has become a habit.
Big moves away from our support systems can be tough. People (and husbands fall into this group) can be cranky and ridiculous when under stress just like people (wives can fall into this group) get sad and lonely and feel underappreciated when under stress.
My first vote would be counseling.
But if you really think you want to get out, you need to talk to an attorney about your options and your game plan.
In a lot of places, for better or worse, judges tend to try to keep the kids with the mother primarily. But if you intend to move out of state, that may be problematic. It's really hard to say.
I'll tell you that in my husband's case, they agreed on 50/50. Now that the kids are a little older and Dad got a job out of state and eventually overseas, Mom has agreed to send the kids to live with us full time. These things can be pretty fluid depending on lots of circumstances and who you're dealing with.
No one here can really advise you...get a counselor (for you at least) and an attorney.
But remember that even if you and he don't get along, he is their father and unless he's being mean to them, it's important that he be in their lives too. There is tons of research out there that tells us that kids w/o a father figure in their lives are more susceptible to other issues like drug abuse, teen pregnancy, etc. Kids need their parents. Even if their parents aren't together, they need both of them.
Again, the usual caveats apply--if the guy is abusing the kids, that's a problem.
A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.
Have you looked into counselling? Some states require it before a divorce, but I think it should be your first step regardless.
Of course, if you fear for your or your children's lives then you should seek a women's shelter and flee.
But that doesn't sound like your situation. I think you are lonely & stressed, and your husband is lonely & stressed. You're home alone all day caring for your children and he's trying to navigate a new stage in his career. And you guys are not communicating respectfully to each other, which is exactly what a counsellor would help fix.
You can also go talk to a divorce attorney at any time. When my aunt's husband left, she found out he had been meeting with the attorney for 6+ months and she had no clue he wanted out of the marriage. She didn't have time to react before he was gone (and the marriage was 15 years). Maybe he just doesn't understand?