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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2008
    Location
    Western NY
    Posts
    5,830

    Default Think my turkey is totalled...

    Making Real Simple's "maple-glazed turkey."

    First discovery: Turkey I bought appears to have been the victim of a mob hit. Normally a turkey removed from the package looks like a sad, bloody, disgusting mass that is nonetheless recognizable as having been a turkey. This one does not have legs, I swear. I have looked everywhere and they are missing. Several ribs appear to be cracked; not sure if that's due to the mob hit or because of my frantic search for legs. No neck or giblets. Altogether this makes me sad, because two of the only things I know about turkey are to tie the legs together and to make sure you take out the giblets, and now I can't do any of these things.

    Second discovery: What the hell part of the thyme do you use? Ditto sage? Like, do you rip them off the stems? I hope so, because otherwise I just wasted a ton of fresh herbs.

    Third discovery: Without legs, it doesn't want to stay upright in the pan, but keeps flopping sadly over onto one side. It is held up right now with balls of aluminum foil, which I think are holding all the juices in their folds (see discovery #6).

    Fourth discovery: The smoke detector in my house is very sensitive, and is just out of reach when I'm standing on a stool, and the stepladder is the exact height calculated to knock off the shelf on the side of the basement stairs *and* remove a strip of wallpaper.

    Fifth discovery: Do not leave turkey juice-soaked paper towels on the counter while you're running to the basement to get the stepladder when you have three cats and two dogs.

    Sixth discovery: Whilst the turkey is now a very lovely brown in spots, all of the liquid in the maple-orange glaze has apparently disappeared, leaving only congealed black gelatinous ooze at the bottom of the pan, so when I try to "baste with drippings" I squirt terrifying globs of inky ectoplasm all over it.

    ...forty-five minutes left. I feel like I should be making the goddamn corn casserole by now, or at least looking up Chinese places that are open.


    32 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,171

    Default

    The way your cooking is going, I would be afraid, very afraid, to try to eat THAT, whatever IT is.

    Don't even feed it to the critters, just dump it where nothing may get poisoned by it.

    Sage that comes with stems?
    We used to dry and crumble the leaves before using it.

    I hope chinese places are open.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2010
    Location
    DFW
    Posts
    194

    Default

    I'm very sorry for your situation, but I just snorted coke through my nose laughing.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2012
    Location
    Washington State
    Posts
    506

    Default

    First, are you sure it's a turkey?
    Second, the use of thyme depends, sometimes you use the whole stem and sometimes you strip it.
    Third, I would get a pizza.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,244

    Default

    Not gonna lie...I'm laughing out loud.

    Hope your thanksgiving turns out great though!
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
    Posts
    6,901

    Default

    PICTURES. NOW.

    Don't delay!!!



    *howling*
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2009
    Location
    Heart of Dixie
    Posts
    238

    Default

    Sounds like you got a turkey breast, not the whole turkey. As far as the rest of your day.......I would get Chinese.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2003
    Location
    Alberta
    Posts
    5,280

    Default

    I'm sorry but seeing as our turkey day was in October I am dying of laughter!
    Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
    Location
    South of Georgia, North of Miami
    Posts
    1,117

    Default

    I'm from the belief that sometimes the worst cooking disasters turn out the yummiest.

    We had turkey one year that disintegrated when we took it out of the pan...I mean parts fell off in every direction until all that was left in the little string that was to hold it together was a little bit of the rib section.

    It was the best turkey ever!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    14,971

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2BayPonies View Post
    I'm very sorry for your situation, but I just snorted coke through my nose laughing.
    Yo, I read that as cocaine through your nose, not coca cola. And I thought, "Oh, good. One person won't care about food. That's working toward a solution for the OP."
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    12 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2003
    Location
    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
    Posts
    6,754

    Default

    Where were your herbs supposed to go? Thyme sprigs can be inserted below skin or in the cavity, otherwise simply strip the wee leaves from the stem. Sage is used as leaves (I assume these are fresh herbs), remove from stem and put directly on or in turkey. They can be minced as well.

    It sounds like you got the "butcher line was having a very bad day" turkey! Was this packaged? Frozen? Fresh? Funny..but as long as it was frozen, and properly thawed, you'll be good.

    Basting..I assume you poured all the glaze over the bird before putting it in the oven. Had you added some water to the pan, you might have been okay. Can you make up some more glaze and then baste with that?

    Balls of foil are perfect for what you needed to do with a leg-less bird.

    Good luck!
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 12, 2000
    Location
    NE TN, USA
    Posts
    6,201

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Saidapal View Post
    We had turkey one year that disintegrated when we took it out of the pan...I mean parts fell off in every direction until all that was left in the little string that was to hold it together was a little bit of the rib section.

    It was the best turkey ever!
    That's the way we cook ours (as long as company isn't coming). We don't carve it, we pick it like a whole-hawg BBQ.

    While we're on the subject of turkeys, has anyone tried those electric turkey fryers that can be used indoors?
    “There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by the sword. The other is by debt.”
    John Adams



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,171

    Default

    Talking about inedible turkeys, one fall Grandma decided we were going to have wild turkey for TG.
    We had a huge run of grasshoppers that fall and the wild turkeys were hog fat.
    She got her turkey and started cooking it in the oven and very soon the smell of baked grasshoppers mixed with turkey became impossible to stand.

    No one could even go in the house for several hours, it smelled so terrible while airing out.

    The turkey?
    The dogs would not touch it, was dumped in the pasture and for days it laid there, not even coyotes or buzzards would touch the stinky thing, that is how bad it was.

    Moral of that story, be sure the turkey you cook has not been eating all the grasshoppers it could cram.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,219

    Default

    Don't worry about how it looks when it comes out, but as long as it's cooked properly, then slice it up, and put it on the platter. And I agree that whether you wanted a turkey breast or not, that a turkey breast is exactly what was in the package.

    The only two ways you can ruin a turkey is charcoaling to a crisp, or worse have it undercooked (that happened on Top Chef last night). It will taste just fine.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2012
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    807

    Default

    Oh no!! I hope your turkey turns out delicious, if somewhat strange looking!

    My family used to go see a movie every year on Turkey Day. One year we went to see one of the Harry Potter movies. Mom had not planned for it to be as long a movie as it was...we came back and the turkey looked like something alien. All black bones and burnt. We had chinese food that year.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 24, 2011
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    151

    Default

    Yup, you'll be fine. Keep basting it, if you have any extra glaze. And the inky black blobs of ectoplasm will taste delicious! No one will notice what it looked like once you've sliced it and put it on a plate.

    Have a glass of wine and take a deep breath -- it'll be delicious.

    (I am definitely not giggling ... )
    Nanakorobi yaoki: Seven times fall, eight times rise.
    http://reveilleandrinsie.blogspot.com



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Apr. 22, 2011
    Location
    the Armpit of the Nation
    Posts
    3,165

    Thumbs up

    This is whatchacall an Instant Classic.

    Suitable for reciting to all daughters and daughters-in-law in hopes that they will check for and purchase the common able-bodied turkeys for the Big Feast, and save these special less well-endowed birds for the Legless/Neckless Gobblers Are Alright With Me groups, who worship and revere these challenged but tasty avians, and who thrive on creative ways to serve them.

    Seriously. Brilliant.

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahandSam View Post
    Making Real Simple's "maple-glazed turkey."

    First discovery: Turkey I bought appears to have been the victim of a mob hit. Normally a turkey removed from the package looks like a sad, bloody, disgusting mass that is nonetheless recognizable as having been a turkey. This one does not have legs, I swear. I have looked everywhere and they are missing. Several ribs appear to be cracked; not sure if that's due to the mob hit or because of my frantic search for legs. No neck or giblets. Altogether this makes me sad, because two of the only things I know about turkey are to tie the legs together and to make sure you take out the giblets, and now I can't do any of these things.

    Second discovery: What the hell part of the thyme do you use? Ditto sage? Like, do you rip them off the stems? I hope so, because otherwise I just wasted a ton of fresh herbs.

    Third discovery: Without legs, it doesn't want to stay upright in the pan, but keeps flopping sadly over onto one side. It is held up right now with balls of aluminum foil, which I think are holding all the juices in their folds (see discovery #6).

    Fourth discovery: The smoke detector in my house is very sensitive, and is just out of reach when I'm standing on a stool, and the stepladder is the exact height calculated to knock off the shelf on the side of the basement stairs *and* remove a strip of wallpaper.

    Fifth discovery: Do not leave turkey juice-soaked paper towels on the counter while you're running to the basement to get the stepladder when you have three cats and two dogs.

    Sixth discovery: Whilst the turkey is now a very lovely brown in spots, all of the liquid in the maple-orange glaze has apparently disappeared, leaving only congealed black gelatinous ooze at the bottom of the pan, so when I try to "baste with drippings" I squirt terrifying globs of inky ectoplasm all over it.

    ...forty-five minutes left. I feel like I should be making the goddamn corn casserole by now, or at least looking up Chinese places that are open.
    When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct. 13, 2007
    Posts
    689

    Default

    At least your fridge does not get so cold on the bottom shelf that the thawed, brined and dried bird did not re-freeze overnight. And the person stuffing the bird did not think to mention that it was VERY cold on the inside of said bird. I discovered the problem only when we went to carve the bird and it was raw in the center.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    14,971

    Default

    Honey, just add some bacon to it.

    There's not a lot of food out there that can't be fixed with bacon somewhere in its proximity.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    20 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
    Posts
    6,901

    Default

    Thumbs Up for mvp!
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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