The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 4, 2008
    Location
    Close to Ocala,fl
    Posts
    816

    Default When DW leave for another Women.......................

    Hi All,
    Disclaimer........the following is Not about Sex orientation. Its about cheating spouse and how to cope.

    So a very close family members wife came home from work and simply said "I don't love you and I want a divorce"....from out of no where. Some back ground.......Meet in College, married 19 yrs, 4 kids, the house ,the cars, even the golden retriever. Perfect all american family. Never a fight between them....even by their words.

    Family member thinks she's joking to begin with....she wasn't.
    He gets her to go to there church for counseling and she does go but tells the councilor she is done but out of respect for him she will sit thought it for him. Then they try pro concealing she goes but again tells them she don't love him and hasn't for yrs.

    Well the divorce was FAST. She wanted out! so there was no arguing over anything.

    A month later it all comes out......she is gay and has been in a 5 yr affair with another women. And then fess's up that she has had same sex affair all though their 19 yr marriage.

    He is shocked and totally confused and mad. By all out ward accounts ypu would have never guess they had a rough marriage. Never a cross word between them. Very church going,they went to all school sports together..always.

    Anyway he is having a hard time dealing the both the divorce and the fact it was another women she left for. How can I help him ?
    He cant understand and the kids are even more confused. They really don't understand whats happened and why. ages (2-13).

    So I guess this is really a vent but and suggestions would be great. I am not mad over the gay thing I dont think she can help that as it who she is. I think I am more upset that she knew for yrs and lead him to believe they had a good relationship. I feel she cheated him out of yrs of life that he could have been with someone who did love him. We are such a close family it hurts both our family as well as hers who are just as upset over it.

    Ok Thanks for lessening. I feel better.....
    Happy Thanksgiving



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,540

    Default

    Cheating is cheating, no matter who it's with. And the deception of it all really adds more injury. I think the husband and kids need a great family therapist, and one that treats each family member differently, and I think that will need a child specialist, and a separate one for the exhusband. It's going to take a lot of time for everyone to adjust.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2012
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    811

    Default

    I agree with the above poster. A good therapist sounds very much necessary. Changes like that are huge. It is unbelievable that she would hide that and lead him on for 19 years....I suppose fear is a powerful motivator, but that is no excuse for the damage she did. My condolences to all of your family.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Greeley, Colorado
    Posts
    3,819

    Default

    My SO's ex wife left him for another woman. It was an UGLY and bitter divorce. She wasn't entirely sure that she wanted out. She wanted to keep him as her husband but have her mistress on the side. That wasn't gonna fly with him. The whole thing left him bitter and broken.
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 4, 2008
    Location
    Close to Ocala,fl
    Posts
    816

    Default

    Hi Guys

    I agree cheating is cheating...to me it wouldn't matter about gay thing it is the deception for so long. As a matter of fact..if it were my situation id feel better about myself because I would know it wasn't anything I could have changed.

    She originally wanted to stay married and have a "Open marriage" haveing him move into the other part of the house and she and her new lover would have the other half so the kids wouldn't have to deal with a divorce she said. Needless to say that went over like a lead ballon!!! She has been so cold about it. Blaming him for the divorce because she was willing to stay married and have this open marriage.

    The oldest child is seeing a therapist now soley because of this he really is not coping well at all. The others are confused but not acting out as bad.

    It a mess and its weird I am mad at her for the gay thing but so mad over the cheating for so long and not just once she did several times over the course of the marriage. And the thought that he is being unreasonable about the open marriage. And worse he wanted to save the marriage see counselor but she would have to give up the new GF. She refused.

    Thanks for letting me vent ....I needed it!



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,256

    Default

    Therapy would help a lot. I'm going through a break up (not a marriage, but still very painful) and my therapist has me reading a book called the grief recovery handbook. It is SO helpful and I highly recommend it.
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,858

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AliCat518 View Post
    Therapy would help a lot. I'm going through a break up (not a marriage, but still very painful) and my therapist has me reading a book called the grief recovery handbook. It is SO helpful and I highly recommend it.
    Happen to a friend, just walked in his house one day and his wife, sitting at the table, informed him that she wanted a divorce, clear out of the blue, their kids 15 and 17.

    He came over and was devastated, just could not make sense, they had a wonderful marriage and family.
    Later it came out that she found a woman she loved and decided to leave her family for her.

    We were friends with both, the wife came visit and wanted to tell her side.
    I was not around when she came, was told later it didn't go that well, everyone polite but not very friendly about it, not because of who she was leaving her husband for, but because of the way she was doing it, with so much drama and causing all unneeded amounts of pain.

    That lady and her friend bought a farm in the same community and lived there for a few years, when she developed breast cancer and died within a year of that.
    The other lady then sold out and left the area.
    I think all that happened was so sad, for all involved.

    Our friend moved on with his life, dated and found another local very nice lady and have been happily married now for 20+ years.
    So, life has odd turns, but it all is well that ends well, hard it is to see while bad is happening.

    For those that are having such serious problems now, hope all turns well for you after all.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,885

    Default

    Was going with a girl (nice horse, very cute, bright) who decided she was a lesbian...she may have been one before but had never done anything about it with males or females. One day, "I want to break up, I'm going with so & so". Well, alrighty. I was pissed at the new "friend" since we'd all hung around together at the barn.

    Actually, I sure rather lose a girl to another girl...no way you could have competed with that and he sure didn't drive her to be a lesbian.

    He really needs a lot of support to guarantee the dirty ex doesn't come back and steal the house and the kids. Knowing she was lesbian (she did have lesbian affairs all through the marriage), it was evil of her to marry a guy and then have kids.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    My old boss, like a father to me, "lost" his fiance to another woman back when such things were quite unheard of. (early 80's.)

    He was quite devastated at first. But then he realized that he loved her. And that loving her meant supporting her in being who she really was and not the chameleon she had been.

    A colleague is currently undergoing a sex change. He and his wife of 15 years (and 2 kids) are staying married and she's very supportive of the whole thing. They intend to stay together and have an open marriage.

    I think that there are lots of scenarios that can work out well for everyone, including the kids, if things are handled properly. An affair is an affair though.

    She's going to have to own that. But if you're closeted, that's a little different than being the run of the mill cheat to me. I just can't imagine trying to keep up a facade like that for so long.

    I don't have any good advice other than counseling. I wish your family the best during this challenging time. Especially the kiddos.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
    Posts
    1,762

    Default

    Here are some hints:

    http://www.pflagwcc.org/2011/05/19/d...support-group/

    If your friend Googles "straight spouse of gay or lesbian" a lot of resources will appear. I agree with suggestion for counseling as well. A very tough situation.



Similar Threads

  1. What Were These Women Thinking?
    By Mike Matson in forum Off Course
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: Oct. 19, 2012, 02:54 PM
  2. Women in the World
    By Beentheredonethat in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: Dec. 24, 2011, 03:48 PM
  3. Women jackets
    By NickRick in forum Driving
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: Oct. 5, 2011, 03:11 PM
  4. For Women Only
    By nylonalter in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 49
    Last Post: Feb. 6, 2011, 12:55 PM
  5. Can men and women REALLY be friends?
    By Lazy Palomino Hunter in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: Aug. 7, 2010, 08:33 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness