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  1. #1
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    Oct. 19, 2012
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    Angry DH with female best friend...

    Dusting off the alter....

    DH's best friend has been in his life since he was 14. They've been there for each other through a lot of stuff.

    She has made me a little uncomfortable since I first met her. All she wants to talk about is how great my DH is (and I agree... I married him, after all!). I tried to make friends with her. Made multiple plans for coffee and girls nights, all of which she would cancel 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet up. I stopped trying to make plans with her after the 5th time she blew me off. It annoyed me.

    She's made a lot of decisions (read: sleeping with married men... knowing that they were married) that I don't agree with. DH and I talked about it a little bit, and I told him how I felt about it. He agreed with me, and was honest with her when she asked him his opinion. I then got a nasty e-mail from her about how I shouldn't judge her because I don't understand her situation and I'm trying to tear her realtionship with DH apart. She went on about how it's not fair to her, and that I was being so stupid and didn't deserve DH.

    After I had DD, DH and I went through a rough patch, and he turned to her for advice. She told him that maybe it was time to seek out somebody that he had a better connection with, but he needed to make sure I didn't catch on because (she said) I would take DD and never speak to him again. (Not true)

    DH and I worked our problems out, and he told me what she said. I admit I might have overreacted and got angry. I didn't say anything to her, but let him know how I feel, in no uncertain terms, about his realtionship with her. I feel like it's crossed a line at this point.

    Given her past, I can't really trust her. I feel like she's trying to drive a wedge into our relationship because she's 1) jealous. She hasn't ever been able to keep a realtionship above water for more than 2 months. She is a single mom. Her son's father is dead beat. DH and I were just dating when we found out that I was pregnant. He stepped up and asked me to marry him the next day. It was already very much in the cards, however. And 2) She has had a crush on DH for a while. He isn't attracted to her at all.

    I guess the thing that bothers me the most, is that DH won't stop talking to her. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to vent. It's driving me nuts and I'm so close to giving him an ultimatium. Part of me feels like I'm overreacting. He married me and she's just being obnoxious, but we have a family now and she's causing a lot of stress and tension. I'm constantly parnoid that he's talking to her, asking to see his text messages, etc.

    Thanks for 'listening'. I feel so much better just getting it out there.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
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    I'm not a therapist...but my two cents?

    It's not whether or not his relationship with her is okay or not okay. The issue is how it makes YOU feel and how he chooses to deal with that.

    Fundamentally, there is no real issue with opposite sex friendships. BUt if it makes one partner uncomfortable, the other should (IMHO) step up and do something about that.

    Maybe you're being insecure. I don't happen think so based on what you posted, but if HE thinks so, he could do a lot to make it a more comfortable situation.

    Honestly, I think that you should say very clearly, "Hubby, your relationship with Le Hooch makes me uncomfortable and i would appreciate it if you limit your interactions with her to times when I am present."

    He can say no. But given her history, I would hope he'd say "yeah, no doubt!"
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    9 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    Ok, no> when I read your post title I was all ready to say that you're over-reacting and that men and women can be platonic friends.

    But if the "friend" is saying things like you "didn't deserve DH" and that DH should "seek out somebody that he had a better connection with" and make sure he did it behind your back, there would be the world's biggest effing ultimatum headed his way, and she would never step foot in my home again. It doesn't matter that DH isn't attracted to her; she is massively and completely disrespectful of you and of your relationship.

    SHE TOLD HIM TO CHEAT ON YOU, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!


    34 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Well, all I can say is what I would do,just based on that information and that is to seriously consider leaving. Your husband has demonstrated very poor boundaries regarding his primary, most important relationship which is YOU! you have shared how uncomfortable you are, (for good reason!!) and he has ignored you. She has actively undermined your marriage and he has allowed it. You have a BABY and he is NOT acting like a guy protective of his family! "Not fair to her"...YOU come first. You the wife! Obviously I don't know your husband but I gotta say that his behavior, based on this, is..not good. Why is he telling you all this stuff and then continuing to connect with her? To keep you off balance and insecure and feeling like you are crazy? She is indeed causing stress and tension but only because your husband is allowing it.


    25 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    I feel like she's trying to drive a wedge into our relationship because she's 1) jealous. She hasn't ever been able to keep a realtionship above water for more than 2 months. She is a single mom. Her son's father is dead beat. DH and I were just dating when we found out that I was pregnant. He stepped up and asked me to marry him the next day. It was already very much in the cards, however. And 2) She has had a crush on DH for a while. He isn't attracted to her at all.
    Not sure she's the jealous one...that's an awful lot of vitriol there...

    I guess the thing that bothers me the most, is that DH won't stop talking to her. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to vent. It's driving me nuts and I'm so close to giving him an ultimatum.
    I think you definitely need to talk to him about how you feel, but ultimatums generally aren't the way to go. Your goal should be to find a resolution to whatever is making you uncomfortable, not drive her from his life.

    From your post, I don't think anybody can definitively tell you whether or not you have anything to worry about. It's obvious you don't like her and you don't like the fact that she is a part of your DH's life, but that's about all I got from what you have written.

    It's definitely something you need to address, if only because it is causing you so much stress. You might consider, though, that some of these issues might be yours and not hers. Paranoia and checking of text messages are not healthy behaviors.

    Full disclosure, some of my closest friends are male. They've been around for a long time now. Anytime any of them have had girlfriends that started acting the way you are (paranoid, jealous, ultimatums, etc...), the girlfriends quickly found themselves single (with no interference from me, I should probably add...). I have never, and will never, be romantically interested in any of them. We're friends. That's it.

    My fiancee' understands that I have close male friends and that I have since before I met him. If he were suddenly uncomfortable with it, I'd definitely want him to talk to me about it because I want him to be comfortable with our relationship. If he started making accusations, saying nasty things about my friends, or throwing out ultimatums, however, I might have a slightly less sympathetic reaction.

    That was kind of a ramble...

    My point is that you have every right to be comfortable in your relationship and to address anything or anybody that might threaten that. However, your post sounds reactionary and a little irrational. Take a deep breath and have a rational conversation with your DH. That's the only way you'll get this figured out.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    9 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Oct. 9, 2012
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    It doesn't matter if you trust her, she's not your husband. Do you trust him? It doesn't sound like it.


    16 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Oct. 19, 2012
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    I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about leaving, when we were going through a bad spot. We stuck it out, got help, and are both pretty happy, but for this situation with her. I also feel very strongly about DD growing up with her Dad around. His job requires frequent moves. He is a wonderfully supportive, loving husband, and a great father.

    I'm trying to look at my reactions, and I'm wondering if I've been just trying to sweep it under the rug so as not to seem like I'm being over dramatic or causing more problems. DH doesn't seem to see what she was implying when she told him to look somewhere else. I feel like I made an honest attempt to befriend her (friends close and enemies closer, right?) and she just threw everything back in her face. I mean, we're in our 30's... aren't we all supposed to be acting like adults?

    Maybe a 'it's her or me' ultimatium will be in order. I know, though, if he stops talking to her then it will be "I told you that your wife was a wenchbag and is trying to take your best friend away from you."



  8. #8
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    Just because they're not doing it, doesn't mean he is being faithful. It's called an 'emotional affair' and is just as damaging as a 'real' affair.


    21 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Not sure she's the jealous one...that's an awful lot of vitriol there...



    I think you definitely need to talk to him about how you feel, but ultimatums generally aren't the way to go. Your goal should be to find a resolution to whatever is making you uncomfortable, not drive her from his life.

    From your post, I don't think anybody can definitively tell you whether or not you have anything to worry about. It's obvious you don't like her and you don't like the fact that she is a part of your DH's life, but that's about all I got from what you have written.

    It's definitely something you need to address, if only because it is causing you so much stress. You might consider, though, that some of these issues might be yours and not hers. Paranoia and checking of text messages are not healthy behaviors.

    Full disclosure, some of my closest friends are male. They've been around for a long time now. Anytime any of them have had girlfriends that started acting the way you are (paranoid, jealous, ultimatums, etc...), the girlfriends quickly found themselves single (with no interference from me, I should probably add...). I have never, and will never, be romantically interested in any of them. We're friends. That's it.

    My fiancee' understands that I have close male friends and that I have since before I met him. If he were suddenly uncomfortable with it, I'd definitely want him to talk to me about it because I want him to be comfortable with our relationship. If he started making accusations, saying nasty things about my friends, or throwing out ultimatums, however, I might have a slightly less sympathetic reaction.

    That was kind of a ramble...

    My point is that you have every right to be comfortable in your relationship and to address anything or anybody that might threaten that. However, your post sounds reactionary and a little irrational. Take a deep breath and have a rational conversation with your DH. That's the only way you'll get this figured out.
    I was fully supportive of his realtionship with her. Many of my close friends are males. I get along with them better. None of them have ever given me relationship advice tell me to cheat on my husband, however.

    When she had her married man flings, I never judged. I just said that it wasn't something that I would agree with and it colored my opinion of her a little bit. I didn't think that she was that way. She was, in the beginning, very nice. Then started blowing me off. Things just snowballed from there. Now here we are.

    Maybe the big problem is me. I agree that the paranoia and message checking isn't healthy. I try to talk to DH about my concerns and his usual reaction is to tell me not to worry about it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    I try to talk to DH about my concerns and his usual reaction is to tell me not to worry about it.
    Yeah, that's not really fair to you either. I don't think that you should be using ultimatums, but I also don't think that he should just be sweeping your feelings about it aside either.

    Couples counseling might be the way to go, as unhelpful as that advice is.

    Good luck!
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    6 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Oct. 9, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Yeah, that's not really fair to you either. I don't think that you should be using ultimatums, but I also don't think that he should just be sweeping your feelings about it aside either.

    Couples counseling might be the way to go, as unhelpful as that advice is.

    Good luck!
    I don't think couples counseling is unhelpful advice at all. It really sounds like it is needed if even to just get the husband to understand why the OP is having an issue with the friend and take her feelings more seriously. It may even help the OP to get a better grip on the husband and friend's relationship.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Nov. 13, 2005
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    My husband had one of those when we met and after a few months of my attempts at friendliness being met with nastiness, I told him enough was enough. He either got it through to her that her shitty attitude was NOT on or I would. She did not like that he was "taking sides" and the friendship ended pretty shortly after that. I was not sorry to see the back of her. I would not be able to put up with it if I was you. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    [QUOTE=WhoaBaby0123;6678140 I know, though, if he stops talking to her then it will be "I told you that your wife was a wenchbag and is trying to take your best friend away from you."[/QUOTE]



    WhoaBaby, you are his WIFE. That marriage thing, where we agree to forsake all others?? You would be YOU girlfriend! Who CARES what she thinks? Yes, you have a right to be protective of your family and she has most definitely threatened it, with your husband's permission and apparently active participation (what is he doing discussing his marital problems with her?? and then telling you what she said and then still inviting her into your relationship??) Sorry, that just does not sound so loving and supportive (of course I am only going on what you wrote). Either it is okay with you that your husband disrespects you (NOT a terrific example for your DD) or it is not. It doesn't sound like it is! Otherwise, you will become more and more paranoid, and concerned and feel like its you (and believe me, as someone who does a lot of marital therapy, there are plenty of people who do just what your husband is doing, having "emotional affairs" of one kind or another, or flirt, or whatever and then, when dragged into therapy, come in and say their partner is just "too possessive" or "jealous" or "controlling" or something). As I think about it, I guess he has already had ultimatums and has ignored them, so what you see is what you gonna get. Let your husband have all the time he wants with his good friend and move on to a guy who knows how to respect and care for his wife.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Oh, I think couples counseling will greatly benefit the OP in all the ways that you've outlined.

    I just meant that couples counseling is kind of the obvious answer. Not exactly insightful, if you know what I mean.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Yeah, that's not really fair to you either. I don't think that you should be using ultimatums, but I also don't think that he should just be sweeping your feelings about it aside either.

    Couples counseling might be the way to go, as unhelpful as that advice is.

    Good luck!
    Thank you! We've been through it once and it probably won't hurt to let him know that I want to go back if we can't solve this ourselves.

    I really don't think that he's concerned about it, because she really isn't his 'type', and so he doesn't see her to be trying to weasel her way in. I really, truely, believe that he's clueless about that. From what he's told me, this has happened with all his other relationships. I do trust him.

    I'm just annoyed, angry, and a bit hurt.



  16. #16
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    And check out the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. an EXCELLENT resource on this topic.



  17. #17
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    I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go. That often just creates anger and panic. It does sound like a thorough conversation about why this woman makes you uncomfortable and what he ought to do about it. That is far more likely to create a favorable outcome, IMO....good luck.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    I have nothing but sympathy for you, OP. She sounds toxic.

    If you trust him, don't go with the ultimatum. If you question that trust, it will only drive her little wedge further in, IMO. It sounds like a thorough talk is in order.


    If you don't trust him...well, that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by big_red_ottb View Post
    I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go. That often just creates anger and panic. It does sound like a thorough conversation about why this woman makes you uncomfortable and what he ought to do about it. That is far more likely to create a favorable outcome, IMO....good luck.
    You have a good point.

    Lilitiger- You make so many valid points. DH is a pretty passive guy. He's told me that he feels guilty telling her to take a hike, since he's really the only friend that she has left. I wonder why that is... I agree that he needs to step up, and help me deal with it.

    He talked to her about our problems, because he needed to vent. IMO it's healthy to be able to talk to somebody else because sometimes you need to do just that, vent. I have talked to my closest friend about our issues, and his advice has always been to talk to my husband about how I'm feeling. Or he just listens and lets me get it out, without giving any advice. I don't think that DH was quite expecting that response from his friend.
    Last edited by WhoaBaby0123; Nov. 21, 2012 at 11:15 PM. Reason: spelling


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    Just for fun...let's pretend she is "he". Let's call him "Bubba".

    So, Bubba likes to hang out w/ your hubby. Bubba brings home hookers, cheats on on his wife, and invites your husband out to the strip club every Friday.

    Your husband says no thanks, not gonna work for me tonight, nice to talk to you Bubba.

    Bubba calls next weekend. Same deal.

    You and hubby have some issues. Bubba's advice? Bang a hooker, you'll feel better! Here, I'll hook you up with one!

    You and hubby get on the mend. Bubba says dude, you're pussy whipped for not going to the titty bar!

    I hate Bubba. Bubba is a pig. But ultimately, HUBBY is the one who has to take it or leave it.

    In your case, this chick is as good as Bubba from what you say. They aren't BEST FRIENDS or she'd be trying to make sure that your husband was happy and that he was doing his best to honor his marriage before bailing out.

    Sorry, she's a bubba, not a friend. She may have been a good friend at some point, but IMHO, that point is gone and she needs to go.

    FWIW, my ex fiance and I are still good friends. I would NEVER disrespect his wife nor would he disrespect my husband by meddling like you describe. And I DID sleep with him. I have several male friends who were actually ex boyfriends and none of them would ever try to get in the middle of my stuff. None. Talked to two of them today in fact. And they would NEVER! So my husband has nothing to worry about EVER. And if he ever told me that it made him uncomfortable that I even TALKED to them? I'd have to give it some thought, but I'd likely stop talking to them if it was that important.

    (I wouldn't take it lightly btw, as these guys have been people in my life for a long time...but I did make a choice. My husband has to come first. Well, first after me sometimes. )
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    10 members found this post helpful.

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