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  1. #41
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    Oct. 19, 2012
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    Thank you all, so much, for the perspective. All of these things are what I need to hear. I'm struggling with feeling like this is my fault, and wondering why he won't listen to me. DH had to leave shortly after DD was born, and I was the main reason why we went through a hard time when he came home. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and my hormones were all over the place. I feel guilty that I'm causing even more problems. Even though I know that it's not all my fault this time.

    I want to bring it up once more, and let him know everthing that I'm thinking and feeling. I'm sure that he'll be on board with counseling, he was all for it last time. I think that I've given him more than enough chances to solve the problem on his own. If he really isn't getting it, y'all are right that maybe a third, neutral, party will help him understand. If he still isn't getting it, then it really is time to take a hard, honest look at our relationship. DD complicates things.



  2. #42
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    Sep. 16, 2006
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    Just chiming in to say that i went through something similar. My now-ex-boyfriend got a job 4 hours away from the city we lived so he was home for a week, then gone for a week, and so on. It was hard at first, but things smoothed out.

    Then he started talking about his female co-workers in a way I didn't like. he kept saying it was all platonic but some of the things he'd mention were sketchy. Like how one girl asked him to get her bikini from the work locker. I saw something wrong with that, he claimed he didn't. Any time I broached my concerns, he told me I over-reacting and was being irrational and jealous. It was all 'my fault', according to him. I felt controlling and petty because I told him not to see these women outside of work because I didn't trust their relationship. We fought, again, it was my fault for being insecure...I'd never been the jealous type but something seemed off.

    Anyway, long story short - he ended up cheating on me with not one but two girls. Found out that he'd told them everything about our relationship BEFORE he'd cheated and that they'd been telling him that I wasn't 'worth him' and didn't 'understand him' and so on. I felt emotionally betrayed, never mind physically. They'd even read personal text messages I'd sent him and then harassed me on FB with them! Told me "they'd won". The ironic thing was that neither of them knew he was cheating on them with the other...just me.

    Anyway, I'd say stop shouldering all the blame on this one. Something's going on and it's making you uncomfortable - with good reason - and he needs to stop. Just stop. That's all there is to it. YOUR feelings and YOU come first. You are not being irrational. If you're feeling weird, then it's his job to make sure you don't. I'd be bloody pissed if some biatch was messing with my relationship and my boyfriend - let alone husband - was allowing it to continue.

    (Sidenote that may or may not have anything to do with your situation: I never understood what it even WAS to be put first in a relationship until I dated the guy after this douchebag...lesson learned, never dating a guy again who doesn't put me and my feelings first.)


    17 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
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    Apr. 19, 2004
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    USA
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    Standing ovation for OTV.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Montana
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    I want to bring it up once more, and let him know everthing that I'm thinking and feeling. .
    So he can share your intimate thoughts with her? Sharing our thoughts and feelings is what we do with safe people who have demonstrated they respect us! Unfortunately, from what you have written, your husband has not. I am not making any presumptions about your history but many people with their own tough, sometimes trauma-ridden, histories have trouble appraising risk and keep seeking safety and closeness from hurtful people. I would suggest a therapist, so you really are safe, so you can figure out really what you want to/can safetly share with your husband. While he is still defending his friendship with her, however, it sounds like more sharing is like pouring more water into a very leaky boat.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
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    Jun. 3, 2005
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    Wow...except for the kids part, I could have written the original post! It is an awful thing to wrestle with on a daily basis...it's exhausting.

    My ex husband has a best female friend who cheated on her husband numerous times, but he never judged her for it. Now, he was always saying how he abhorred cheating, but when she did it...well, she always had a reason and it was ok.

    What wasn't ok was when my ex decided he decided to go to NY for a few days, without me, and stay with her in her one room apartment. He wanted to see a band, and staying with her saved money. She was single at the time, by the way. I lost it. I mean, who in their right mind would be ok with their husband staying with a single girl---or, any woman for that matter in a tiny NY apartment??


    Bizarrely, he kept telling me I had trust issues, and I should know he wouldn't cheat on me. Well, yes, yes I did have trust issues. But, what I've learned is that he didn't respect me or care enough about my feelings. It was all about him. The divorce was painful, but I'm happier now. It was emotional infidelity in the highest sense of the word.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    NY
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    Anytime a SO has said I'm crazy to worry about a friendship and that it's my fault and that I'm crazy- he's been cheating. That crazy feeling is me trying to let someone else convince me that what I know is true is not true.
    Well, that's my experience and my conclusions, your mileage may vary.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Chall, EXACTLY!!!!!!!



  8. #48
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muffin View Post

    What wasn't ok was when my ex decided he decided to go to NY for a few days, without me, and stay with her in her one room apartment. He wanted to see a band, and staying with her saved money. She was single at the time, by the way. I lost it. I mean, who in their right mind would be ok with their husband staying with a single girl---or, any woman for that matter in a tiny NY apartment??.
    Well shoot, I guess by this way of thinking my fiancé should have broken up with me years ago... There were times I would go out of town to visit my guy friend and for awhile there he was *gasp* single (he's now about to propose to a really cool girl). I'd sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch. My then boyfriend, now fiancé, didn't bat an eye at this.

    I'm not saying you didn't have a reason to be so suspicious, because maybe you did but that "who in their right mind" line kind of got me. Some of us have no reason not to trust our SOs (and they have no reason not to trust us).
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



  9. #49
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    Dec. 31, 2009
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    Well, from what I've read, his "friend" needs to go. If she was truly a friend, she wouldn't be no-showing your attempts to hang out, or speaking bad of you. And I totally believe that men-woman friendships can be platonic as I've witnessed it firsthand. YOU are not the problem! SHE is! Seriously, what is more important to him, this "friend" or his marriage and family?
    I LOVE my Chickens!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
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    Jun. 15, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    DH had to leave shortly after DD was born, and I was the main reason why we went through a hard time when he came home. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and my hormones were all over the place. I feel guilty that I'm causing even more problems. Even though I know that it's not all my fault this time.
    Why was it your fault y'all went through a hard time? I bet you were overwhelmed, exhausted, and hormonal but if anything, that explains your behavior and means that he should have shouldered an equal amount of the blame for any conflicts or stress when he returned. A marriage is about being equally yoked and stepping up when the other person is weak (or in your case, exhausted and trying to take care of an infant alone). Why does this have to be something that you alone take the blame for?

    I don't think it is anyones place to say "leave your DH" or anything else. However, from perspective we are seeing, he does seem to be callous about your emotions and the integrity of your family. If he isn't really like this then maybe you can find a way to let him see it through this lens. Ignorance is fixable. However, if he really understands how much this is weighing on you and still doesn't care to change his actions then maybe an outside mediator would help y'all discuss this without getting into a he said, she said battle.

    This is an issue that I identify with because my best friend is a guy and I am going up to spend a week with him out of state for spring break. I've been with my SO for two years and had this best friend for over nine years. He is the biggest support of my relationship with my SO and the two of them are on great terms. If I am overwhelmed or frustrated, he is the one reassuring me about my relationship and helping me put things in perspective. This trip is definitely one that may seems questionable in the eyes of some people but everyone involved feels comfortable because there is a foundation of trust and mutual respect. I am sure my SO wouldn't feel as happy about this trip if my best friend was known for making derogatory remarks about him or saying that I could do better. Instead, he was thrilled that I made the arrangements and knows that I will be in good hands across the country.

    Opposite gender best friends do not have to be death sentence for a relationship as long as there is mutual respect, trust, and honesty, between the friends and the couple.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
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    Dec. 21, 2005
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    North Carolina
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    Another resource you may want to check out is www.marriagebuilders.com - I'm a huge fan of Dr Harley.

    Here's his article on opposite sex friends - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...9_friends.html - he's against any opposite sex friends, which isn't a popular opinion. But, it works for us.



  12. #52
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    Nov. 25, 2005
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    Opposite sex friends are okay- as long as they aren't best friends. You should be each other's number 1 best friend and priority.

    I'm sympathetic with him talking to a friend while you were having a rough time, but her comments to you and about you to him are NOT ok. To me, it sounds like she has major feelings for him. And she acts accordingly. This is not fair to you or her. He might not recognize it, that she has feelings for him. By staying close friends with her, he is encouraging her feelings for him. If he is a real friend her (and a real husband to you!), he will recognize that he is making life difficult for both you and needs to stop contacting her. I think he is getting a lot out of this situation. He is getting attention from her and he has a great wife.

    And for the record, this is from someone who's ex-husband had this friend- adoring and needed his help all the time. He claimed nothing happened between them when we were together, they were just friends, etc., but once we split up- Guess who hooked up?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
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    Jul. 24, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Well shoot, I guess by this way of thinking my fiancé should have broken up with me years ago... There were times I would go out of town to visit my guy friend and for awhile there he was *gasp* single (he's now about to propose to a really cool girl). I'd sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch. My then boyfriend, now fiancé, didn't bat an eye at this.

    I'm not saying you didn't have a reason to be so suspicious, because maybe you did but that "who in their right mind" line kind of got me. Some of us have no reason not to trust our SOs (and they have no reason not to trust us).
    SNL, it's great for you that your fiance didn't mind you travelling out of town and staying at another man's house. However, I think most people would look at it as tremendously disrespectful to your significant other, and would not tolerate that as appropriate behaviour in a relationship.
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
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    Jul. 24, 2008
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    To the OP: You should be your husband's best friend. I don't think anything else really works in the long run.
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by saultgirl View Post
    SNL, it's great for you that your fiance didn't mind you travelling out of town and staying at another man's house. However, I think most people would look at it as tremendously disrespectful to your significant other, and would not tolerate that as appropriate behaviour in a relationship.
    Saultgirl, this isn't the first time you've had negative things so say about my relationship. Quite frankly, I find your point of view really sad. Visiting a friend is not "disrespectful behavior". Dishonestly, jealousy, infidelity - those are disrespectful behaviors. You're allowed to have a life outside of your relationship with your SO. There's a whole big world out there and not everyone is a jealous fruitbat.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
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    Dec. 21, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Saultgirl, this isn't the first time you've had negative things so say about my relationship. Quite frankly, I find your point of view really sad. Visiting a friend is not "disrespectful behavior". Dishonestly, jealousy, infidelity - those are disrespectful behaviors. You're allowed to have a life outside of your relationship with your SO. There's a whole big world out there and not everyone is a jealous fruitbat.
    I trust my SO and he trusts me. I find your behavior disrespectful and it wouldn't be acceptable in my relationship. My SO/DH and I spend 4 nights a week apart and have for years. We don't spend overnights alone with members of the opposite sex.

    But, you're not living my life and I'm not living yours. So, whatever makes you guys happy, go for it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
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    Sep. 20, 2005
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    Visiting friends out of town is unacceptable. Gotcha. Just opposite sex friends? What about gay friends? Bisexuals?

    I'm not judging your relationship - try not to judge mine.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
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    Dec. 21, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaturdayNightLive View Post
    Visiting friends out of town is unacceptable. Gotcha. Just opposite sex friends? What about gay friends? Bisexuals?

    I'm not judging your relationship - try not to judge mine.
    Where did I say visiting out of town friends was unacceptable? Don't twist and don't put words in my mouth.

    Staying alone with an Opposite Sex Friend is unacceptable in our relationship.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    SNL: Would your SO be o-kay with you staying with a friend who was encouraging you to have an affair?


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    SNL: Would your SO be o-kay with you staying with a friend who was encouraging you to have an affair?
    Of course not. But I wasn't responding to the OP. I was responding to the poster who asked who in their right mind would allow their SO to stay at an opposite sex friend's house. As if the very act of sleeping in the same building constitutes infidelity.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    2 members found this post helpful.

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