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  1. #21
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    Oct. 19, 2012
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    That's a great post, Buddy. I never thought about putting it to DH in terms like that.

    He and this woman have never slept together, or even dated. DH's argument is, "If I didn't sleep with her when I was single, you have nothing to worry about now that we're married." He does have a point.

    I'm all on board with relationships like you describe! DH has met all my male friends as soon as we started dating, save for one who lives a good distance away. They all get along pretty well, and go hunting together.



  2. #22
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    That's a great post, Buddy. I never thought about putting it to DH in terms like that.

    He and this woman have never slept together, or even dated. DH's argument is, "If I didn't sleep with her when I was single, you have nothing to worry about now that we're married." He does have a point.

    I'm all on board with relationships like you describe! DH has met all my male friends as soon as we started dating, save for one who lives a good distance away. They all get along pretty well, and go hunting together.
    No, he does NOT have a point, he is completely ignoring your FEELINGS. saying you have "nothing to worry about" is nice but the issue is your feelings and he isnt responding to that at all.

    I am a big fan of venting, I encourage it! But NOT to the very people who are threatening my relationship, and she has been doing that for a while! Talking something over with a same sex friend or at least a friend who has never indicated they have a dog in that fight, is a great source of support. Talking over intimate issues with this kind of woman is....talking about intimate issues with a woman who has a crush on you! No. And your husband,unless he has serious cognitive processing issues, knows this!!


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    VA
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    and gets something out of it whether he's aware of it or not.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Mar. 10, 2007
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    Montana
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    OP, lilitiger2 is a very experienced source here and you'd do right to listen... along with BR and a few others.

    My DH had a female friend since before me and she is nothing but supportive in his role as a husband and father and treats ME with a lot of respect right out of the gates... DH had a big crush on her before me and that was a bit of the basis of their friendship but honestly at any point I could have called her, even now, and she would try to bring us together, not apart. She comes from the camp of "US" and not "him"...

    Your dh's friend is practicing some decisive tactics and that's not what you want in a friend... if she's a true friend to him she will want him to make good decisions for himself, his kids, and his family... I'm seeing decisions that are exciting and rewarding to her. And to some extent, him. It's exciting, it's new, it's different. It takes maturity to find reward in being an old steady eddy dad that kids will look back on with gratitude.

    I saw beware the friend and hope that DH can see the little razor edge that he's trying to set up camp on. He has to choose a path, has to be a big boy.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    Fix her up with a guy of her own...

    Couples counseling.

    Most people would say that their spouse is their best friend. If he is referring to her as his best friend, there's a problem.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    May. 4, 2008
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    Virginia
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    Quote Originally Posted by Come Shine View Post
    Just because they're not doing it, doesn't mean he is being faithful. It's called an 'emotional affair' and is just as damaging as a 'real' affair.
    ^This. Sometimes this hurts worse than sex that was a pressure release with someone they will never see again. Because this woman just does NOT go away.

    He's crossed a line. Yes, you are jealous. But you have been given reason to be as she has crossed a HUGE line also in butting into your relationship and trying to re-direct how your DH views you and your child together. If they were honestly just friends from HER perspective as well, I'd say suck it up. But she clearly wants more and if HE is still engaging her then he lacks the ability to put your relationship first. Time for her to go bye bye. Think about it - will you EVER trust the two of them alone together knowing what you know about her feelings for your DH? Even if he doesn't reciprocate, do you trust her not to throw herself at him? Is that a fair situation to encourage through silent tolerance? Make it clear NOW that you no longer condone the relationship as it has become this broad's intention to replace you in your husband's affections. If he cannot agree to that, I say he has something to hide whether action already taken with her or deeper feelings he is not acknowleding to you.

    I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sucks completely, because you did NOTHING wrong, but you have to deal with the BS anyway.
    Sorry to see xtranormal is gone
    For funnies, search youtube for horseyninjawarrior!

    Www.caringbridge.org/visit/mysecretgarden


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoaBaby0123 View Post
    That's a great post, Buddy. I never thought about putting it to DH in terms like that.

    He and this woman have never slept together, or even dated. DH's argument is, "If I didn't sleep with her when I was single, you have nothing to worry about now that we're married." He does have a point.

    I'm all on board with relationships like you describe! DH has met all my male friends as soon as we started dating, save for one who lives a good distance away. They all get along pretty well, and go hunting together.
    Now imagine Bubbay saying stuff like "that wife of yours is a b****, she doesn't deserve you, you deserve so much better", and, when you're going through rouigh times, "it's time to ditch that undeserving b**** and find a woman who'll really love you."

    This isn't just a pig saying "hey, bang a hooker for funsietimes." This is someone who seems fundamentally against the marriage, and your husband is venting to her about problems in the marriage. She may have no friends, but doesn't he at least have any other friends to vent to who don't think you unworthy of him in the first place?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
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    Nov. 20, 2010
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    Upstate New York
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    BuddyRoo's example, and others, have proven the flaw here. But when someone on the outside, male or female, is a wedge between the two of you, the partner with the friend should continue to make sure your relationship is taken care of.

    Both XDH, and XSO took on odd buddies somewhere along the way. XDH's I was warned about by another couple. Odd buddy was a physician, so XDH thought well of himself for being in his company. Their "adventures" resulted in the ultimate demise of our marriage. Although it was XDH's choice...

    Later XSO became buddies with a user fellow who would also women bash. Although user fellow was never in our company together once I ID'd him as destructive, XSO's continuing their friendship was a huge red flag. Asked him what would he think if I maintained friends with a gal who was always man bashing? XSO saw my point briefly, but didn't like my challenging his choice. We ended up apart for several reasons, and user friend is still using, but XSO has recently expressed that now he sees it. But while I pointed it out?!?

    You have a lot more at stake with a child and marriage to maintain. I don't feel there is anything gained by including DH's friend in any discussion. This is an issue with your DH, and as said above, his failure to consider your feelings.

    Depending on his character, be careful of making ultimatums. Instead, try to gather some strength and find creative distractions/make other plans for the two of you, when she is hovering. Consider marriage counseling also. Might help him to have another point out what his failure to act really means. And give you ways to handle this as well. Good luck!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes



  9. #29
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    Oct. 19, 2006
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    CNY
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    75

    Default Agreed...Toxic Friend

    Quote Originally Posted by CVPeg View Post
    You have a lot more at stake with a child and marriage to maintain. I don't feel there is anything gained by including DH's friend in any discussion. This is an issue with your DH, and as said above, his failure to consider your feelings.

    Depending on his character.....
    Obviously, this issue needs to be addressed within your marriage, but it will be very difficult because he will (and already has) defend his friendship. He believes that since nothing physical has occurred, that you are being over-reactive and suspicious for no good reason.

    That is more than likely his mindset. He does not view it as a threat to your marriage, so he does not treat it as such. He may therefore stubbornly hold onto this friendship regardless of the cost to your relationship with him; it's sort of like a "I am right and YOU are wrong" argument. Depending on his stubbornness/mentality, be prepared for him to hold onto that rationale and not listen to you. He needs to change his perspective on this friendship, HE needs to view it as a threat, so that HE can eliminate it and join you in protecting your marriage.

    Unfortunately, you can't just tell him (seemingly to him) how to feel or view the friendship, it will just make him feel steamrolled and defensive. It will have to be a discussion where you BOTH feel that your feelings/concerns regarding his long-time friend are listened to. You will more than likely need a third party, in the form of a book (for him to read so he can realize this on his own) or marriage counselor to explain why this particular friendship is toxic for your family. You will have to maintain your calm and focus. You will also have to be prepared for him to argue with you every step of the way.

    The site below may serve as a step-by-step road-map and give you possible book suggestions, etc.

    http://talkaboutmarriage.com/

    This site is a forum where people share their stories, many of which revolve around infidelity and inappropriate friendships; just use the search function. It will hopefully give you insight in how to handle this potentially dangerous hurdle as well as give you an idea of how he will respond to you bringing up this topic and how to handle his deflections.

    Here is a search I did with "female friend":

    http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search....archid=4315639

    This site will hopefully let you know that you are not alone and give you insight in how to deal with your husband's "friend".

    Above all, please do not sweep this issue under the rug or it will become the white elephant in the room, if it has not already.

    Good luck.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
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    South of Georgia, North of Miami
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    Trust your instincts. If your feeling this way there's a reason.

    Years ago my boyfriend had a female friend. Seemed to me they were spending too much time together and told him so. "No honey, your wrong, I love you." Time went by, still had that feeling but tried to put it aside. Came home from work one day at lunchtime and who did I find in my house...you guessed it. They were both fully clothed and not doing anything but spidey sense went off. Kicked her out and then told him to pack his shit and go with her, "No honey, your wrong, I love you." Flash forward 6 months and he dropped the bomb he was leaving me for her.

    Trust your instincts. I wish I had stood by my feelings and kicked him out that day, but he sweet talked me and it ended the way I thought it would anyway. Only it was a lot more painful and I was equally mad at myself for believing him.

    I'm not saying the same will happen to you, but I am saying to trust your instincts. If he feels the relationship with her is more important that the relationship with you there's a problem. Way I see it there shouldn't be a choice here. I'm not say he can't talk or go to lunch with her once in a while, but he should consider your feelings first and limit his contact with her.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Apr. 19, 2004
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    USA
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    I am not ok with what you describe, OP. I agree with trusting your instincts and I agree with the danger of "emotional affairs". If you are here asking for advice you already know the answer, you just need the courage to stand up for yourself. Your feelings are key, trust your gut, and stand up for yourself and your family. Tell him to ditch her or kiss it goodbye. I would (and have).

    He's just a clueless man. He probably has no idea what she's doing and is emotionally vanilla pudding about her, but we women can be very good at manipulating men, can't we? If you let this go, one of two outcomes will occur: One, he will eventually "see the light" and see her for her toxic self and kick her to the curb on his own, or Two, she will eventually convince him to leave you. Maybe not for her, if you are right and he is not attracted to her, but leave you and hook up with someone else, upon which she will probably repeat the pattern you are observing. Perhaps she has even done this to his prior relationships if they've been friends for as long as your post suggests.

    Regardless, it's bad news and please think enough of yourself to go with your gut.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    May. 4, 2003
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    Canada
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    Doesn't sound right to me - a married couple can have friends of the opposite sex, but when the other person takes up too much oxygen in the marriage they are too close. YOU are number one and shoud be made to feel that way.
    Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique


    4 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Dec. 4, 2005
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    washington state
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    Your husband has chosen her over you. What you do now is entirely up to you.

    I'm sorry you are involved in this horrible situation
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
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    14,951

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    Just for fun...let's pretend she is "he". Let's call him "Bubba".

    So, Bubba likes to hang out w/ your hubby. Bubba brings home hookers, cheats on on his wife, and invites your husband out to the strip club every Friday.

    Your husband says no thanks, not gonna work for me tonight, nice to talk to you Bubba.

    Bubba calls next weekend. Same deal.

    You and hubby have some issues. Bubba's advice? Bang a hooker, you'll feel better! Here, I'll hook you up with one!

    You and hubby get on the mend. Bubba says dude, you're pussy whipped for not going to the titty bar!

    I hate Bubba. Bubba is a pig. But ultimately, HUBBY is the one who has to take it or leave it.

    In your case, this chick is as good as Bubba from what you say. They aren't BEST FRIENDS or she'd be trying to make sure that your husband was happy and that he was doing his best to honor his marriage before bailing out.

    Sorry, she's a bubba, not a friend. She may have been a good friend at some point, but IMHO, that point is gone and she needs to go.

    FWIW, my ex fiance and I are still good friends. I would NEVER disrespect his wife nor would he disrespect my husband by meddling like you describe. And I DID sleep with him. I have several male friends who were actually ex boyfriends and none of them would ever try to get in the middle of my stuff. None. Talked to two of them today in fact. And they would NEVER! So my husband has nothing to worry about EVER. And if he ever told me that it made him uncomfortable that I even TALKED to them? I'd have to give it some thought, but I'd likely stop talking to them if it was that important.

    (I wouldn't take it lightly btw, as these guys have been people in my life for a long time...but I did make a choice. My husband has to come first. Well, first after me sometimes. )
    That seems right to me.

    In short, your relationship with your husband is the extent of your business. Who he hangs with and how isn't your deal. You can ask him not to bring Bubba-with-ovaries over. You can tell him that you won't be friends with her and that she is not welcome at your place while you are there.

    After that, let DH manage his own life. I think it will lower your blood pressure, as nothing is worse that wanting something and being powerless to get it. It's easier to learn that some things just aren't your business.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Nov. 13, 2006
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    deep in the CT wilds near...the 200yr flood zone
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    I would recommend talking with DH. I'd want to ask him why he wants to stay friends with someone who doesn't like you. I'd want to know if he understand how much BWO doesn't like you. And I'd let him know how I felt (hurt/angry/upset) that when the going gets tough, he'd rather confide in someone who doesn't like me, than with me. Be prepared for some uncomfortable truths. It sounds to me like the relationship the two of you have with each other is a bit shaky and needs some of the air cleared. Denying him access to BWO isn't going to make you more secure. Strengthening your relationship with him, will.
    This it be all wot we want in life, wenn peoples dey loff us. ~ Willem


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Oct. 21, 2003
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    I'd have a real problem with my husband hanging out with someone like that, male or female. I would waffle between an ultimatum and just bailing. IT shows a lot about his character that he keeps this woman around...not in a good way.



  17. #37

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    I think it means there are other issues going on, I see both points of view, why you are jealous and why he wouldn't be thinking it's a big deal since he isn't interested in her.

    But it is a big deal because it bothers you and effects your relationship.
    for more Joy then you can handle
    http://dangerbunny.blogspot.com/


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
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    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post

    SHE TOLD HIM TO CHEAT ON YOU, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
    Just in case this got missed somehow...
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Montana
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    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    That seems right to me.

    In short, your relationship with your husband is the extent of your business. Who he hangs with and how isn't your deal. You can ask him not to bring Bubba-with-ovaries over. You can tell him that you won't be friends with her and that she is not welcome at your place while you are there.

    After that, let DH manage his own life. I think it will lower your blood pressure, as nothing is worse that wanting something and being powerless to get it. It's easier to learn that some things just aren't your business.
    Her marriage is her business. Research has repeatedly shown that connection breeds connection, disengagement does not. Happy couples are familiar with each other-each others favorite and least favorite relative, greatest current stress, current dreams, fears, friends, and so on-i.e., they are friends.When that stops, people disengage and back off and perhaps look for that kind of engagement elsewhere.

    I agree that we are most definitely powerless over others. But not over our selves! It sounds like, as Buddy said, her husband is aware of her discomfort and not only does not care, he ENCOURAGES it! Sort of like, "your discomfort=more power for me". That is miles away from being really concerned about his wife's feelings, trusting her about threats and respecting her enough to take her concerns seriously. I doubt that will change (counseling can help with behaviors but not so much with changing values, and if his deal is "Im getting the attention I want so who cares how my wife feels", that is NOT likely to change much from counseling). I also agree that the choice is OPs, and she should base it on exactly what she is getting now.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by twotrudoc View Post
    Your husband has chosen her over you. What you do now is entirely up to you.

    I'm sorry you are involved in this horrible situation
    yes, this. She has him "hooked" weather he knows it or not. Friends should not be so possessive of another and he should not balk so much at letting her go.....

    Also I would not like my DH to be close with a female and share marriage issues---ESPECIALLY one who had feelings. Not cool.

    Bottom line is for what ever reasons his loyalty seems strong to her. I have a hunch its not just sympathy. that doesn't keep people friends, does it?


    2 members found this post helpful.

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