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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2010

    Default Dealing with self pity - lonely and far from 'home'

    Posting this here because I need a fairly anonymous place to vent...

    I'm an independent person. Always have been. And now I'm living in a different country from my family and for the most part loving it.

    Except... today I had a shitty day. It was long. It's the first real cold day we've had. I got a cold, and I'm feeling rotten. I was going to head home and make myself a hot and sour soup. And then I got home and there was no power. And my phone was running out of battery. And I needed to work. I just felt F***ing sorry for myself and I wanted someone to take care of me.

    I realized then that there is nobody within 3000km that gives even half a damn. Not even the guy I am sortof-seeing-but-not-really. I have friends, but not best friends. And I realized that if something happened to me there wouldn't be someone to pick up the pieces, or at least not in a 'drop everything and help' kind of way. And that just felt really, really awful. The worst part is that I think I bring it on myself by being independent.

    So - that's my vent. I don't know if there's a purpose, or if I'm asking for advice. Feel free to give some if you happen to have extra.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 2008
    Florida, USA


    Hugs... that will be all!!

    I'm a lot like you in the "ridiculously independent" I can do it all myself type of way...
    that being said- when I have a day like you just had... the only thing that helps is:
    A. Venting to my mom... who I am SUPER close to.
    B. Curling up with my dog... kicker is... I just had to put her down 2 months ago. So, if a bad day comes around... it will be a tougher one than normal :/

    Funny enough, I don't run to SO when I feel that way... I don't know why! Don't get me wrong, I'm super comfortable with him and we have a great relationship... but there is just something about mom, and home.. and a great dog..
    Probably the fact that no matter what- I know they'll still love me!

    So hugs going your way!! Hope you can warm up... get a great big cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, some comfort food (aka more chocolate)... and a hot shower!!!
    Proudly living in my "let's save the world bubble"!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 1999
    flyover country

    Default I am having some of these issues, and I am only 5 minutes from my mom.

    But for me, it has sort of been a way of life. I never married, no 2 footers, only 4 footers, when I was working on my 'real' job, we worked alone. I am now retired, and only see one or two of my friends once or twice a year. My horse was put down 5 years ago, and the barn is a LONG ways from here, so no joy there either.
    If you are younger, and are fluent in the language, or perhaps even if not, go out and meet people. I hate doing that. But it might stave off what you are talking about. I sometimes need a there there. So, I am offering one to you!
    'There, there, things will be better. Think of the adventure of being so far from home.' If you like being alone, find a good book, and if possible, a dog or cat to curl up with.
    Another killer of threads

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2005
    between the mountains and the sea, North Carolina


    *HUGS*. I really, really feel for you and understand where you are coming from. I've always been the independent/odd one out. I'm 25 and have lived in 4 different countries. A few months ago I was in Paris, and dreading my final 5 months, but it got far worse in the final 6 weeks, of living abroad. I actually posted in a previous OT day about it and got some great advice....I'll see if I can dig the post up.

    Get out and meet people is my best advice. In Paris, meeting Parisians was basically not going to happen. Just going into the store was bad enough - a friend and I literally got verbally abused by a cashier in the local grocery store. It made practicing French outside of class and our families (we were au pairs) difficult, but being that miserable speaking French was not doing any good either.

    If you're in a similar situation, find your nearest American ex pat community. Even if you are not American, they will welcome you with open arms. In my case, that was the American Church of Paris (they also had the French-American alliance, but I was only involved with church related activities). I can say without question that had it not been for the ACP I would have been on the next train to London after I got back from my February week long break in America. I am still in touch with friends I met there (one is even Parisian!), and am forever grateful to them for the support & friendship they gave me during a time when I didn't like myself all that much.

    Again *HUGS* to you, and if you need a friendly ear feel free to shoot me a PM.
    "Choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tides" - Garth Brooks
    "With your permission, dear, I'll take my fences one at a time" - Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2010


    Thanks everyone. I wish I had an animal to curl up with - but as a student it's just not feasible right now.
    All of you give completely valid advice, and I think I even *knew* last night that I should get out, but I was having a real pity party for myself. And I couldn't even skype my best friends, because it was about 2am their time - I'm from South Africa, and living in Canada. My friends here - I do have good friends - I just don't know well enough to phone and say 'I'm completely falling into a tiny pile of pity pieces right now'.

    And you're all right, again, things will get better. They ARE better. I was just a complete idiot last night
    I appreciate the virtual hugs and kind thoughts

    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007


    I have lived my whole life independent of anyone else.
    People wear me out, no choice there.

    What has worked for me not to feel down and sorry for myself is that I have always had others to care for, volunteered every place there was something needed doing.

    If you don't have other to do and care for, your problems just seem so much bigger and making you feel even worse than if you can lay them aside for now and get on with life.

    Try looking around and find a part time job, or volunteer at the library or kitchen or horse club or whatever.
    May work for you too.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006


    Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a little pity party/crying jag once in awhile. Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It's okay to feel depressed for a day. As long as it doesn't persist for weeks at a time, it's normal.

    Especially when you have kind of the trifecta of a bluky day!

    I can recall a few years back when I was living alone, away from home, had just had surgery on my hand, and got the most horrid flu ever. I couldn't drive to the store to get gatorade or jello or soup or any other kinds of sick food. I finally had to call a coworker and ask for help--couldn't think of anyone else to call! He dropped off some soup and gatorade on my front porch. But when I went to open it, I couldn't because i was one handed from the surgery! I literally sat on my kitchen floor and cried. Then I took my can of soup and my bottle of gatorade to the next door neighbor and they opened stuff for me. My old neighbor and I became good friends after that.

    Sometimes, you have to ask for help and then...let people help! You just never know if they're going to be that kind of friend you can depend on til you give them the chance!

    Another story...I was living in Mauritius, it was Valentines Day. I hadn't seen my then fiance in almost 6 mos and was feeling kind of sorry for myself. I was actually living in a hotel at that point and they needed to clean my room so I went down to the hotel bar and was having a drink. Long and short, I ended up meeting some people and within an hour, I was packing a bag with an evening gown and a swimsuit to go to a dinner/party. Still friends with those folks too!

    In's okay to be sad/frustrated. But after you get that out of your system, GET OUT THERE! Best wishes!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2008
    Windsor SC till Aug


    I feel your pain.

    My husband is in Afghanistan. But this time around, not military, as an independent contractor. He couldnt find work after the army with his masters degree, a veteran, 3yrs as an instructor with the army in the field he has his degree in... I would think this would highly qualify him, but it doesnt translate well to the civilian world... Anyway, unemployment didnt cover the bills so away he went. Sigh.

    I am left in SC, an hour from military, and feeling a bit like a military outcast since i'm not really a military spouse anymore. I live 11 miles from town. I have one neighbor, but they are reclusive like myself. I have a 4yr old son, but we determined to homeschool, so he doesnt go to preschool or anything. It's just me and him all day here with 2 ponies, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and a parrot.

    Lately my truck has been giving me issues. Like $10k in repairs kind of issues and still not running right, when one thing gets fixed, another breaks. I've been stranded on the side of the road more times than i care to remember in the past few months. I have no one to call for help. All of our family is in IL. I was trying to move back to our TX house, but nothing was falling into place easy enough, and then i tore my ACL in my left knee... It just seemed like everything was saying STAY IN SC. So i did.

    But boy do i feel lost. The few driving events i've done in the area have not been well receiving of my son. He's VERY outspoken and sociable. I've decided all the retirees around me either didnt have kids, or didnt like them when they did.

    Halloween i really broke down to an all time low. We went to the drive in as they were doing a trunk or treat and showing Hotel Transelvania. I figured it was easy to take my kid to that instead of trying to find a neighborhood. All was going well till my truck broke down on the way there. I was stranded on the side of a dark highway in Halloween pajamas. Much as i wanted help, i was sort of terrified that anyone should actually stop. I had those thoughts that if someone kidnapped us right then and there, no one would know for days. My pets at home would starve.

    I pulled it together, got the truck to start, and limped into the theatre and asked some manly guys there for help to get it going to get myself back home. But it was a very scary moment for me. I'm a pretty independent person, but in that moment i really realized how isolated i had made myself. Funny it didnt hit me when i tore my ACL and was on crutches trying to keep everything going with only the help of my 4yr old... LOL

    But there are good days! I dearly wish i could find some friends that either have kids or like kids, but it seems like the horse community around here is kidless or hates them. I feel like i can clear an entire show grounds by stepping out of the truck holding my 4yr old's hand.

    What has helped us. Somewhat stupidly, as it's very challenging. I decided we would go take violin lessons together. I've never even touched a violin before this. But i guess i can take up a new instrument in my 30s right? We take lessons twice a week and it's really expensive and difficult to manage, but it gets us out and actually talking to people twice a week. Bonus, our teacher has a 3yr old and LOVES my son, so we feel like we have a good friend in her. Not one you call up to go to lunch on the weekend with, but someone to socialize with. Otherwise, i think we would be going insane by now.

    So maybe take up a new hobby? A cooking class, an art class, etc... It can be something crazy or off the wall, it will at least allow you to talk to a few people. It's really helped us. Our library has a day a week they read kids books, i'm going to start taking my son to that too. Just another silly little thing to do to occupy our time and be sociable with someone.
    Your Horse's Home On The Road!

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