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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,250

    Default Advice for getting through a break up

    It's been 2 weeks since my ex and I broke up. We had dated for 2+ years and lived together for 1.5 years. Now I'm living with my parents til I get back on my feet. I'm having a lot of trouble with the break up. I have an appt to see my psychologist on Tuesday, so that should be helpful. But I'd love some advice to get through tonight, which is proving to be a tough night.....
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
    Posts
    3,758

    Default

    AliCat,

    I am so sorry. It will get better, you will recover, its ok to move back in with the folk (I have/did...). And I think that its great that you have taken the steps to heal yourself. You will get stronger, become wiser, and be a better person because of this.

    PM if you want to talk. But in the mean time, hugs and jingles to you.

    Munchin'
    Last edited by MunchingonHay; Nov. 4, 2012 at 11:01 PM. Reason: apparently I am drinking and posting, and my sentence did not make sense. I fixed it...



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 26, 2010
    Posts
    4,335

    Default

    Sorry to hear about the break-up. While I can't speak to what you should or could do for tonight, I do have some general suggestions.

    It definitely helps to vent both with family and friends, but do include some fun things too. What kind of activities do you enjoy doing outside of horses? Perhaps making time for some of that will help take your mind off the break-up at least temporarily. I think the mind and spirit are a lot like the physical body in that they need balance. Just like athletes need rest days and training days, I think the mind and spirit do as well. To me that would mean taking the time to talk or vent and taking time to do things that are happy and enjoyable.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,860

    Default

    There is no magic advice that can make it better, but just tell yourself that you WILL get through it in one piece. And take it one day at a time.

    Find something mindless to do tonight, and just settle down and get through it.

    I had a hard break up in 1991. Had a child with the man and had lived with him for three years. One night he just never came home from work. He was involved with the dispatcher at his work and was too chicken shit to tell me he was leaving.

    That was rough. Sometimes all you can do is just make it through the night. But it does get so much better. Just hang in there, and take care of yourself.
    Sheilah



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,250

    Default

    Thanks for the words...any support is helpful. I have been keeping busy with friends and family but its exhausting to put on a happy face! There have been a few days where I can't get out of bed at all.

    I know that I'll be happy in the future, but getting through the tough nights is really hard. Seems impossible sometimes.
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 30, 2008
    Location
    at work and the barn...middle of nowhere PA
    Posts
    247

    Default

    Ugh, been there, sorry to hear you're there now. It really sucks! You know that advice "time heals all wounds"? Well it's true, but that advice sucks too! It's definitely not going to make you feel better tonight. The therapist really helps for sure. If you want to "confront" your feelings tonight, you might compose a letter to your ex (that you won't send) telling them how you feel. I've done that and shared it with a close friend (it was about another friend, not a bf, but I still think it holds), I did it before I even knew it was a therapy technique, lol.

    If you want to get your mind OFF your ex, activity helps! It's late for exercise, but maybe a little dance party (if you don't want to wake your parents, iPods are a godsend!), yoga (force yourself to not think), or write an email to a friend you haven't seen or spoken to in a while that you actually WILL send, or (if it won't annoy your parents); bake! Baking is easy but requires attention and you have something to show of your time as a result.

    Hope that helps, you're going through hell, but you will survive and be better for it. In the very long run! Good luck!



  7. #7
    Join Date
    May. 20, 2006
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    1,080

    Default

    i am so, so sorry. you have all my sympathy. i went through a horrible break up this spring that devasted me. i can tell you that i met someone july 4th who is wonderful, i just moved in with him, and we are planning out a future, so there's that. i really felt like i would never be happy again, that i would never find someone i cared about as much as the ex or as great as the ex, and all that stuff, and i really suffered.

    my only advice is to just deal with it however you want. don't force yourself to go out if you don't feel like it. stay inside and cry if you want. or if it helps to go out, go out. try not to talk to him. i stupidly, in my late twenties, tried to hang on to an ex and we hung out a lot for months after the break up and that really just dragged things out. much better to do a clean break and MOVE ON if you can at all get yourself to. what helped me the most, honestly, was just putting up an okcupid profile, getting tons of messages (self esteem boost!) and going out on a lot of dates, meeting a lot of people, and having fun, and just remembering that he was not the only guy in the world for me, even though it often felt like it.

    lots of hugs, and pm if you want.
    My mare wonders about all this fuss about birth control when she's only seen a handful of testicles in her entire life. Living with an intact male of my species, I feel differently! WAYSIDE



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,709

    Default

    you lost a dude, not a horse, so don't cry.
    You mentioned you might be moving to Durham in another thread. The next big adventure is upon you! My suggestion is to focus on the positives on how this breakup will shape your life.
    I took a chance 3 years ago and moved here, and I'm loving how that decision has shaped my life.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2010
    Location
    Earlysville, Virginia
    Posts
    3,250

    Default

    Yes I need a new,fresh start! I'll be visiting a friend in Durham and will likely move there in the next few months.

    Oh and the positives of the break up--I don't have to shave my legs all the time! Haha, there are other, real positives but that one makes me laugh every time.
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
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    3,758

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AliCat518 View Post
    Oh and the positives of the break up--I don't have to shave my legs all the time! Haha, there are other, real positives but that one makes me laugh every time.

    Since I wear pants most of the time (29 of the 30/31 days of the month) I have not shaved in MONTHS!






    honestly its not that bad



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,709

    Default

    go do things that make you feel pretty, too.
    Nothing like a new hairstyle to kick off a new single life!
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
    Posts
    929

    Default

    BTDT All I can say is time does heal the wounds. It sucks now. It really, really does. Sometimes you have to just make it through the minute. One minute at a time. I spent so much time crying, and wanting things to be different. They weren't, and it hurt so much. You have to allow yourself to grieve. No shame in that. I look back and see now how toxic the relationship was but when we first split up it was bad.

    Also, I found a lot of comfort crying into the mane of a horse. They are really, truly amazing creatures.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr. 22, 2011
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    575

    Default

    Big, big hugs to you.

    I just had one about a month ago. It has been a rough month, and I know what you mean about the tough nights. The first night was just about the most I've ever hurt about anything (rivaled only by horse heartbreak), and I've had quite a bit of hurt in my day so that's saying a lot. I have a tendency to beat myself up over feeling sad and thinking that I really shouldn't care, but sometimes you just can't do that. Remember that whatever it is that you're feeling is completely reasonable. Your psychologist will help you sort it out and make some sense of it all.

    I have a few go-to books, songs, and TV shows that get me through breakups and the like. I'm currently nursing myself on I Am Charlotte Simmons and Veronica Mars. Getting out and doing fun and active stuff is good advice too. I've been just trying to keep myself occupied and tired every night while I wait for the magical healing power of time. Like someone mentioned, going out on a couple dates is a good reminder that there are many others out there - just don't fall into any rebounds. (But if you do, it's ok, we've all been there.) Even just browsing profiles online is enough to remind me of the plentiful options and make me picture a bright and sunny dating future.

    I think I'm kind of a breakup pro at this point, as I've been through... well, more than I'd like to admit in recent years. I should really assemble a breakup survival guide. PM if you want a rough draft.
    If the pony spits venom in your face or produces a loud roar, it is probably not a pony. Find another. -The Oatmeal



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2005
    Location
    dur-Ham, NC
    Posts
    492

    Default

    Let yourself be sad and don't beat yourself up for it - the end of a relationship is a significant loss and you're grieving. Everyday will be better than the previous one. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
    Have YOU ever looked into the eyes of a rich white child who has just lost a jumping competition?




  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,406

    Default

    Time and distance will help, but for tonight set a timer for 15 minutes, and wallow in all of the misery you feel. When the timer goes off it's over for now, and you have to do something nice, like a hot bath, cocoa with marshmallows, or something useful planning the future. Because you are fairly sure you're moving to Durham, then spend time doing tourist research, barn research, house and look at all of the great things to do there. And many places have something like a newcomer's club, that has wonderful activities for all ages, and do lots of group dining and tour events that are so much fun. A friend's mother joined one when she moved to her daughter's town about 10 years ago, and she still belongs and goes to lots of activities.

    You'll get through this, because time does heal, and at least you won't look back years from now kicking yourself because you stayed, and wasted many years. I know you'll find someone when you're ready, that will treasure you for the person you are, and treat you well. We all deserve to be treated well and treasured.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2006
    Location
    Fredericksburg, VA
    Posts
    2,220

    Default

    If you have the time, go volunteer. Not only will you help to distract yourself, you will be helping someone else. Under its "Community" section Craigslist has a listing of volunteering opportunties. Or if there's a nearby homeless shelter you could check there.

    Sorry you're going through this. Hang in there!!



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,297

    Default

    Big hugs.

    If it makes you feel better, I'm really glad for you -- I remember your posts about this BF over the years and I think it is a good thing for you to get out of there and start afresh.

    Are your horses out safely? I think they stay on his family farm, right? Lots of COTHers in that area who might help you if you need it.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2004
    Location
    Earlysville, VA
    Posts
    2,164

    Default

    I am glad you have an appointment to see someone.

    As a mental exercise, picture a large sack and start mentally putting the crap into that sack. When you get to your appointment tie the top of the large brimming sack really tight and plop the ole sack right there and leave it.

    Next make sure you keep yourself really busy and keep mentally thinking about putting one foot in front of the other.

    It will get better and you need to keep telling yourself that and remember to keep believing in yourself. That was one of the hardest parts for me was to rediscover how to believe in myself.

    Good luck and lots of cyber hugs.
    \"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.\" Anne of Green Gables



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
    Posts
    9,143

    Default good luck

    2 weeks is not a long time. Give it time. I'm coming up on 2 years after my XH walked away (though we had a month long try attempt for a month during the holidays last year... then he walked again) and am just now thinking about dating and am able to be around him again. Yes, counselling helps. Find something you love doing and do it. For me it was jumping back into a lot of riding/showing. Spend time around friends. Stay busy.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,377

    Default

    Chocolate. It fixes all ills.

    (Well, really, TIME does, chocolate just makes it feel better.)


    1 members found this post helpful.

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