The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 30
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,197

    Default Why does this bother me so much?

    Just a vent that will probably sound stupid to a lot of people. But at this point in time I don't really care.

    I dated the same guy for 5 and 1/2 years. We broke up not even a month ago for some reasons that aren't important. For this past year I had a "friend" that I would hang out with and she would occasionally come hang out with my boyfriend and I and a group of friends so they were casual acquaintances.

    All of a sudden I'm finding out that they went to a dance club together on Halloween. I didn't find out from her, I found out through facebook. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this is kind of not cool...

    She dated a guy for maybe 5 months and he broke up with her for another girl. Her ex and my boyfriend were best friends at the time, so they hung out a lot. Her ex invited my bf and I to hang out with him and the new gf. I politely declined because I didn't feel it was fair to my friend to be hanging out with her ex who she still cared a lot about. I just thought she'd do the same for me, especially since I dated this guy for wayyyyy longer.

    It's probably silly of me, but I really just needed to get it out there because it's been bothering me ever since I found out. I just thought we were better friends than that, but apparently not if she's going to dance clubs until 3am with him.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    45,034

    Default

    I don't know, it seems that in your shoes I would forget the past and be happy for her.
    She is evidently happy with her newfound friend.

    You can't do anything about them, so work on yourself to be happy.
    Glass half full type thing.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,197

    Default

    Yeah, I'm trying to do that. It's what I need to do otherwise I'm going to be one unhappy person if I keep thinking about it. Guess it just doesn't feel very good that my friend is ditching me for my ex.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    45,034

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NBChoice View Post
    Yeah, I'm trying to do that. It's what I need to do otherwise I'm going to be one unhappy person if I keep thinking about it. Guess it just doesn't feel very good that my friend is ditching me for my ex.
    Maybe she was not who you think she was?
    "When people show you who they are, believe them."
    Courtesy of a wise Grandma.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2003
    Posts
    1,902

    Default

    yeah not cool. Stay away from your friends recent ex's, especially if you don't have your friends (ie. OP's) blessing.

    And the fact she wasn't upfront and told you about this makes me suspicious.

    However, be sure they went out together to the club and didn't just bump into each other there.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,197

    Default

    Positive they went together. It was in a status on facebook.

    My mom told me to forget both of them because maybe they are interested in each other. Fine, they can do what they want. Just means that she and I were not really great friends to begin with I suppose.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2003
    Posts
    1,902

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NBChoice View Post
    Positive they went together. It was in a status on facebook.

    My mom told me to forget both of them because maybe they are interested in each other. Fine, they can do what they want. Just means that she and I were not really great friends to begin with I suppose.
    Yeah maybe they are interested in each other. If I were in your shoes I would be livid. However, if they do start having a relationship, I advocate just moving on and ignore the two of them. If "friend" asks what happened between you two, just tell her the truth.

    But you're right good friends don't do things like that, especially so soon. It's not like it was months or years later. And even then a good friend would talk about it with you first and let you know they are going to start dating your ex.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2009
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    427

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NBChoice View Post
    Positive they went together. It was in a status on facebook.

    My mom told me to forget both of them because maybe they are interested in each other. Fine, they can do what they want. Just means that she and I were not really great friends to begin with I suppose.
    "Just because I took off my shoes, doesn't mean I want you wearing them".

    I probably butchered that quote, but I always liked it.
    The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".


    3 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    5,249

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by NBChoice View Post
    Positive they went together. It was in a status on facebook.

    My mom told me to forget both of them because maybe they are interested in each other. Fine, they can do what they want. Just means that she and I were not really great friends to begin with I suppose.
    This is one of those times your Mom is right.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    That's kind of against the friend code in my world.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd take a step back from your friend for awhile for my own sanity. It's hard enough to get over a long term relationship without any other flies in the ointment.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    45,034

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    That's kind of against the friend code in my world.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd take a step back from your friend for awhile for my own sanity. It's hard enough to get over a long term relationship without any other flies in the ointment.
    I didn't know that.
    To me, if a friend finds happiness with someone, anyone, I say good for them.
    Now, if I was dating someone and a friend got in the middle of that and involved behind my back, that would be bad.

    I thought the OP had broken up for a while now, was not involved with that one person any more?

    I agree that distancing yourself for your friend, since this bothers you, is best as you feel right now.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Bluey, from the OP:
    I dated the same guy for 5 and 1/2 years. We broke up not even a month ago
    To me, after a relationship that long it's kind of uncouth of your supposed best friend to take up with your ex--especially doing so without discussing it first.

    If they'd only gone on a few dates or something it would be less of a big deal. Shoot, 2 of my girlfriends and I dated the same guy within a few months. Friend A met him, wasn't a good match so she set me up with him. He moved to a new state and I hooked him up with a friend of mine. I'm still friends w/ him and he isn't with any of my friends, but man we thought he was a good catch and really hoped ONE of us might luck out! LOL
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    11,110

    Default

    This is why I don't have a lot of female friends--the illogic always kills me.

    Are you still dating him? No. Do you WANT to date him? Apparently not. Are they both legal adults not married or otherwise off the market? Yes (I assume.) Then it's none of your business. Get over it. This is not "I took off my shoes but I don't want you to wear them", it's "I decided the shoes don't fit, I threw them in the trash, and I would rather set them on fire than give them to you even though you're barefoot and they fit perfectly."

    (No, never been on either side of this equation. Irrational things just drive me up a wall.)


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Posts
    8,701

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    This is why I don't have a lot of female friends--the illogic always kills me.

    Are you still dating him? No. Do you WANT to date him? Apparently not. Are they both legal adults not married or otherwise off the market? Yes (I assume.) Then it's none of your business. Get over it. This is not "I took off my shoes but I don't want you to wear them", it's "I decided the shoes don't fit, I threw them in the trash, and I would rather set them on fire than give them to you even though you're barefoot and they fit perfectly."

    (No, never been on either side of this equation. Irrational things just drive me up a wall.)
    I would imagine you don't have any female friends because of YOU, not them.

    There's no way in hell I would go out with a man my good friend just broke up with, no matter how long they were together. And if I wanted to I sure the hell would talk to them like an ADULT before I did it and consider their feelings on the matter.

    Geeze, how rude.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 28, 2006
    Posts
    347

    Default

    I think you have every right to feel very hurt, I would too.
    Take your mother's advice. (sometimes Mom's do know best).



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Matters of the heart often defy logic (else why would we get married knowing the divorce rate and associated costs?). Best friends should know your heart and not do things to hurt each other.

    If it were some other acquaintance? Fine. But your best friend? And without talking to you first? At less than a month out from a break up of a long term relationship, I would think that best friend would be inviting the OP out to a party to lift her spirits, not going behind her back and taking the ex boyfriend.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  17. #17
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2006
    Location
    Eastern WV Panhandle
    Posts
    1,246

    Default

    The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

    Sounds like he has moved on and you have not.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    11,110

    Default

    So he's her property? She isn't dating him. Her feelings are irrelevant. She's an ADULT. She isn't dating him. As long as they're not still dating, his love life is none of her business.

    This is what I mean by irrational. Someone else's weird hangups about something they don't want are not anyone's problem but theirs. Is the friend supposed to pass on a chance to date someone just because he used to date someone else? Is the ex-boyfriend never supposed to date anyone who might know the ex-girlfriend? Are they all mentally still in middle school where "You can't sit at the lunch table with HIM because I don't like him?" Because that's all this sort of crap is, the same old tweeny "You can't like him, I like him!" things.

    Did anyone cheat on anyone else? If no, no, you have no right to be angry or offended. Act like an adult, not a thirteen-year-old girl.

    This is why I like male coworkers and friends (or married female friends who somehow never went through the toddler phase of adult behavior, apparently.) Substantially fewer drama llamas waiting to be saddled.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2010
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,197

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    So he's her property? She isn't dating him. Her feelings are irrelevant. She's an ADULT. She isn't dating him. As long as they're not still dating, his love life is none of her business.

    This is what I mean by irrational. Someone else's weird hangups about something they don't want are not anyone's problem but theirs. Is the friend supposed to pass on a chance to date someone just because he used to date someone else? Is the ex-boyfriend never supposed to date anyone who might know the ex-girlfriend? Are they all mentally still in middle school where "You can't sit at the lunch table with HIM because I don't like him?" Because that's all this sort of crap is, the same old tweeny "You can't like him, I like him!" things.

    Did anyone cheat on anyone else? If no, no, you have no right to be angry or offended. Act like an adult, not a thirteen-year-old girl.

    This is why I like male coworkers and friends (or married female friends who somehow never went through the toddler phase of adult behavior, apparently.) Substantially fewer drama llamas waiting to be saddled.
    Geez, you're a cranky old lady. (If I'm apparently a 13 year old girl.) There's no need to get your panties in a bunch. People have different emotions than you do. Just because you're not a "drama llama" and are very mature and "adult-like" does not meant that only YOUR emotions or feelings are correct. I didn't realize that my feelings are irrelevant either! Wow, I might as well not have any more emotions at all because they don't matter.

    Of course I still care about my ex. I mean come on, we dated for almost 6 years. If I didn't care about him I'd be concerned. So when I hear that my close friend was with him at a night club--uh yeah--it upsets me because I care about BOTH of them. Anyway, I really don't think name calling is the way to go when you're trying to get your point across to someone(me). Just makes you sound angry and silly.

    ---------
    She did end up texting me because she could tell I was angry with her. We talked about it and she apologized and said she did not want me to feel unimportant. Since they were acquaintances she did not know it would bother me so much. And she assured me there is nothing going on between them.
    http://www.youtube.com/user/NBChoice http://nbchoice.blogspot.com/
    The New Banner's Choice- 1994 ASB Mare
    Dennis The Menace Too- 1999 ASB Gelding
    Dreamacres Sublime- 2008 ASB Gelding


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Posts
    8,701

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    So he's her property? She isn't dating him. Her feelings are irrelevant. She's an ADULT. She isn't dating him. As long as they're not still dating, his love life is none of her business.

    This is what I mean by irrational. Someone else's weird hangups about something they don't want are not anyone's problem but theirs. Is the friend supposed to pass on a chance to date someone just because he used to date someone else? Is the ex-boyfriend never supposed to date anyone who might know the ex-girlfriend? Are they all mentally still in middle school where "You can't sit at the lunch table with HIM because I don't like him?" Because that's all this sort of crap is, the same old tweeny "You can't like him, I like him!" things.

    Did anyone cheat on anyone else? If no, no, you have no right to be angry or offended. Act like an adult, not a thirteen-year-old girl.

    This is why I like male coworkers and friends (or married female friends who somehow never went through the toddler phase of adult behavior, apparently.) Substantially fewer drama llamas waiting to be saddled.
    Wow, you just sound like an angry, bitter person who isn't really a friend to anyone.

    This is not a woman-man thing either. Men know better than to go out with their good friend's ex's as well, without at least talking about it. It's common courtesy.


    2 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. Does this bother anyone else?
    By chai in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: Aug. 14, 2011, 04:40 PM
  2. Would this bother anyone else?
    By A10Piaffe in forum Dressage
    Replies: 31
    Last Post: May. 6, 2011, 05:06 PM
  3. How much would this bother you?
    By FlashGordon in forum Off Course
    Replies: 81
    Last Post: Oct. 25, 2009, 08:43 PM
  4. Why Do I Even Bother?
    By Cincinnati in forum Dressage
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: Sep. 4, 2009, 07:39 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness