Oregon, sitting on my couch looking out the window at a mountain
Can I vent about my dead (as of 6 weeks ago) friend's husband?
I've mentioned on other threads that my oldest friend and her daughter were killed in a drunk driving accident six weeks ago. I just had lunch with a mutual friend of ours today, who happens to be her neighbor down the street, and she filled me in on the latest goings-on with the husband.
Mind you, nobody ever liked the husband. Nobody. Her family didn't like him, her friends didn't like him, her friends' spouses didn't like him. He is a bore. He is always right. Everybody else (including his wife) is always wrong. One doesn't have a conversation with him as much as one sits and listens to whatever diatribe he happens to be on at the moment.
After my friend died, I wanted to think he was a better person than I thought he was. I visited him a couple times and had decent conversations (or listenings, rather) and he talked about how much he loved her and how happy they were in their marriage.
In their 20 years of marriage, I not once heard him compliment her and only heard him put her down so I wondered where he got the idea that they were happy but I was willing to think there were things I didn't see that were more positive than what I did see. In private conversations with my friend, she never indicated that she was happy and in fact she talked about the opposite. Her daughter commented that her dad was mean and yelled at them all the time.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago when a new woman is already making the moves on him (for no other reason that I can come up with other than money, for he is not attractive, he is not friendly, he is not doting, he is not caring) - she moved her horse over to his house, she's been bringing her daughters over to the house, they saddle up my friend's horse and the lady's horse and the daughters ride up to the neighbor's house (our mutual friend). He's been out on the town with her. He went to a school event with her (at his now-deceased daughter's school). He complains that people in the community aren't all happy happy joy joy that he is stepping out with this new woman.
Husband told mutual friend that my friend had written a letter last year and left it with their lawyer. The letter was to be opened in case of her death. To go back 10 years or so, my friend's mother died and left my friend almost $1 million. BUT, my friend's mom hated my friend's husband, so she put it in a trust so that only my friend could access it. Well in that letter my friend turned over the trust to her husband who is now out on the town buying shit for the tramp who has shown up on his doorstep. He is going to pay for her kids' tuition at private school. God knows what else he's going to pay for. Oh, and he told mutual friend that my friend's mom was a horrible mother. OMGIH - I grew up with them and that couldn't be further from the truth - friend's mom was an amazing mom who loved her daughter more than anything. Everyone should be loved like that by their mother.
After my friend died a memorial fund was set up to help the family with expenses. I didn't contribute, nor did any of my friends, because we knew that the family had money and thought it tacky for them to take money for expenses when they really didn't need it.
I know this happens with men. My uncle had this very thing happen to him when my aunt died. Some old biddy swooped in and attached herself to him and he spent about $1 million on buying her a house, paying off her (adult) children's debt, taking her on trips, etc.
WTF, though!? Really? Just a couple weeks ago at the funeral everyone was talking about how wonderful this family is and what a great love the parents had - which IMHO wasn't true so I was kind of annoyed at the whole situation.
Anyway, this is just a vent. I'm really disappointed in the husband. I wanted to think he was better than that. I guess my original impression of him was correct and he was a louse who only cares about himself. While I don't think he was ever physically abusive to my friend, he was certainly emotionally abusive. She's in a much better place now than with him and I know she's happier.
Frankly, I don't think you are doing yourself a favor by worrying about or being disappointed in someone you've never liked, and whose comings and goings don't affect you. He should be able to live his life any way he wants, as long as he's not hurting any one.
Founding member of the "I Miss bar.ka" clique
Founding member of the "I Miss Pocket Trainer" clique
while sillyhorse is technically correct, it still sucks. I would be upset as well. Really, just hugs to you and Im so sorry you lost your friend and her daughter. You are still grieving her loss and it seems to besmirch her memory to have this ignoramus , I mean bereft widower, cavorting around. I curse him with COTH's explosive diarrhea curse just for being a tactless shmuck.
Perhaps to spin a more positive note on things and honor your friend's memory you could set up a trail ride or a class at a show in memory of her (not for money gain as it sounds as if it is not needed by the surviving family, but as a way for her friends to share their memories of her and her daughter, especially after such a tragic, sudden death.)
Oregon, sitting on my couch looking out the window at a mountain
SillyHorse, I completely understand what you're saying, and honestly, I don't really care for my own sake, but he still has two sons - one of whom has called mutual friend and said how upset he is by this situation. So, really, dad IS hurting someone emotionally - his own kids.
I think dad enjoyed all the attention he got by his wife's & daughter's deaths, honestly. But really, he is no friend of mine and it's not like I'll be socializing with him in the future so it really doesn't affect me at all. I just feel bad for his kids who are still left and need attention from their dad.
Yes, I loathe the 'I was such a good husband' routine, when they were anything but. And yes I know the survivors who started dating two seconds after the funeral. It happens with men and women, and the aim is usually the money the survivor has, and when the money is gone then so is the girlfriend/boyfriend/ or worse case spouse #2. It's too bad your friend didn't do a college trust for the kids, because daddy will fritter it all away very quickly.
I understand why you feel upset. He is disrespecting the wife, and trying to become some kinds of good guy when he's anything but. It does show that you were right in not contributing, and suspecting that he's never going to change or even become a decent human being and father. I guess the only lesson is the 'once a jerk always a jerk' rule, and I made that up, but it certainly is true.
I have a friend whose dad married six weeks to the day after her mom's funeral..to a woman he met at the funeral.
I don't really understand some men, and their inability to cope alone, but that's the way it often is.
Sorry you're having to witness this. It stinks.
Some men are just that way, and can't function without a woman. And there are women that prey on men like that. My stepmonster was that way. She called my daddy and asked him out 6 weeks to the day from when we buried my mother. She said all the right things, and made this 68 yr old man feel wanted and appreciated.It was fresh and new. He fell for it, and married her in July after my mama died in Feb. Infuriated? Yes....to the extreme. But looking back, I kinda half way understand it. He had been married for nearly 46 yrs, and the thought of being alone really scared him.
As for the op's situation-it really stinks, and I hate it for you. (((HUGS)))
i went back and re-read the original post........your friend left the money HER mother left to HER...for the lousy husband?
if she was that unhappy in her marriage, i guess i don't quite understand her actions, especially with 3 kids to consider.....
and my heart breaks for the remaining boys..they must be so lost,alone and hurting..................and while it may be a sort of justice when they decide to drop dear daddy from their lives,it certainly won't prevent them from being just as dysfunctional as him...................sounds as though they need a legal advocate, and contest the monies all going to dad, especially if he is clearly not honoring parental obligations now that will have huge impact later............
Well, not a lawyer - only took a semester course in estates towards a post grad paralegal certificate - but a letter is enough to allow him access to her trust? If so, can he squander it on others while ignoring the sons? Has her estate gone through probate?
I have no clue, but that's enough info that I'd pick up a phone and call a trusted attorney (not the one who was their attorney together) to ask what they thought, considering her sons and all. (Are they minors?) Especially as there'd have to be some solid proof that she created and signed that letter, and it was adequately witnessed.
Sorry he is such a jerk. Sounds like a true narcissist.
Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes
And sometimes it just shows the true stripes of someone who is thrilled to have the attention from the loss and then the "freedom" to date again. And that can be extremely creepy. Ages ago, a casual friend (social, knew from work, very nice) passed from cancer very quickly. Diagnosis to death was weeks.
Her husband asked me out on a date right after her wake. Completely floored me, one of the few times in my life I was speechless. It was very smarmy.
My condolences on the loss of your friend.
You jump in the saddle,
Hold onto the bridle!
Jump in the line!
My cousin took her boyfriend as her escort to her current husband's funeral, and boyfriend turned out to be husband number 3 (of at least 4 at last count) shortly there after.
A friend's brother had at least 4 current or ex-girlfriends at his wife's funeral. The only amusing part is when he remarried very soon after it wasn't to any of the mistresses, including the current one.
Some people certainly do show exactly who they are, and don't seem to care about what anyone thinks, don't they? Someday when he is broke, alone, and friendless he'll still be wondering why no one wants to be near him.
I'm sorry you are going through all this so soon after the death. I will say it's really common especially for men to want to find someone right away. Mr K's boss lost his wife who TRULY was the love of his life and he was desperate to date. He went wild on Match.com and everything else. He was married very quickly. It had nothing to do with his love or lack of love of his wife and best friend of 20 years. It probably actually drove him even more to it, he could not be alone, and he wanted something else to focus on.
And of course you know Mr K's dad who was dating the week his mother died, so much so that his balls blew up!
The sad part is the fact that she left all her inheritance to him to do with what he pleases, but you can't be mad at him for that. It sounds like they had a very complicated relationship, but they were both in it and made the decisions they made. I am sure no matter what he truly is suffering, and this is his way of dealing with it and making himself feel better. I just hope the remaining boys are provided for adequately.
I'm more wary of the woman who zoomed in than I am of the motives of the widower.
Whatever the dynamics of that marriage may have been -- and unless you see it from the inside, it would be difficult to really know -- to lose a longtime spouse and a young daughter out of the blue in one fell swoop has to be very un-centering.
"Things should be as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Einstein
“So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”
I am very sorry for the loss of your friend. The husband sounds like a blue-ribbon scumbag, but your friend is no longer here, so the husband's actions don't have much to do with you. You don't have to have any contact with him, and whatever he does with his girlfriends or the money has no impact on you anymore.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry