I hope coming here and writing about what is happening in your family has helped, at least a little. Your mother's anger is being (mis)directed at you because you are there. Hugs to you and your family. I hope you find some comfort and peace.
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CRAYOLA POSSE Prussian Blue
I am so sorry for your, and your family's, loss of your Dad.
My Mom died last year and Dad a few years before. It's very difficult even when everything is perfectly pre-planned, which in Mom's case, it was.
People in grief do and say things that are outside the norm. It may sound hurtful but there is no malice in it.
My hope is that you can get some ongoing support from your parents' church. Whatever one's theological views, churches are well set up to deal with funerals and have volunteers who may have experience with bureaucratic things in the chaos after the funeral, that most individuals deal with only one or twice in their lives.
If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?
"Things should be as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Einstein
OP, when I was working with home health/hospice, we provided families with resources for grief counseling, recommended books, etc. Do call the hospice organization and see what they can offer. ((hugs)) Everyone processes differently, but it's definitely a process--not an overnight thing. Having a little outside help to navigate that process sure can't hurt.
A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.
I am so very, very sorry. I do understand that attitude from parents, my mother -my father died in 1963-is angry at me for her medical conditions. In fact she is just angry, all the time and she sounds just like your mom. I had a nightmare of a time the last time my mother visited my family. She complained about EVERYTHING and when she started complaining about my daughter I just could not deal with her. I paid for her plane ticket to come and paid for her to leave early and I would have paid 10 times that amount to get her out of my house.
I am so sorry. I did tell my older sister that I would be there when my mom passes, they live out of state from me. My other sisters and my brother I don't speak with. Wow, no advice but please know that your mom's behavior and attitude seems to be similiar to what I have seen from my mom. It is really hard to deal with and I love my mom but this anger I just cannot understand. So sorry..
Edit: I am so sorry, I just vented on your thread.
Thanks to those who suggested a grief counselor. My dad was on home hospice for the last week of his life, so I will look into whether they offer counseling services.
I know hospice offers afterlife care for families of hospice patients, including support groups, individual/family grief counseling, and referral to other community organizations. Regarding funeral costs, I would call the hospice and ask if they have any rec'ds. Your family is not the first to be in such a difficult situation. I'm a Family Medicine PA and have counseled a lot of families in your situation- hospice is still there to help.
My sincerest condolences for your loss and please know that your moms upset about the casket really isn't about the casket. She is grieving & grief can makes beasts of saints. Love her more found know she, like you and your family, are in shock and grieving. Everyone's emotions will continue to fluctuate for quite some time- know that it is normal albeit painful and scary.
My thoughts are with you and yours. Keep us posted
And the wise, Jack Daniels drinking, slow-truck-driving, veteran TB handler who took "no shit from no hoss Miss L, y'hear," said: "She aint wrapped too tight."