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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2004
    Location
    Nescopeck PA
    Posts
    1,825

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    *hugs* to you. I can't imagine what you are going through right now. You just lost your dad and when you really need your mom's support she's not there for you. I understand she is hurting but God bless you all. I hope maybe she is just in shock and she comes around and gives you the love and support you need right now.
    Maria Hayes-Frosty Oak Stables
    Home to All Eyez On Me, 1998 16.2 Cleveland Bay Sporthorse Stallion
    & FrostyOak Hampton 2008 Pure Cleveland Bay Colt
    www.frostyoaks.com



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    562

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    I'm sorry that you lost your dad . I'm also sorry that you're having to deal with your mom at the same time during this whole process.

    She's likely not directly angry at you and your sisters. Family is "safe" to release emotions on, and her grief and anxiety may be translating as anger and frustration. Loss is a very strange thing, and everyone deals with it differently. There are many things to do and many arrangements to be made in a short period of time, and with limited funds, it really does magnify a stressful situation.

    My advice is to just take it. Do what your dad wanted. If you mom is angry, let her be angry. Don't be afraid to make her talk about it in a non-confrontational way.

    I just lost my dad in September, albeit very suddenly in a head-on collision. He was 55 and nothing (and I mean nothing) had been arranged. It was mayhem with all the paperwork, buying a plot, arranging cremation, buying the urn, organizing the services, etc. Doing all of that, AND dealing with the death itself seems impossibly daunting sometimes. Family means everything during this process.

    Good luck. Sorry again.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2007
    Posts
    1,136

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    Just be kind to your mother and go ahead and bury him the way you can afford to.



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Nov. 12, 2011
    Posts
    1,086

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    I am incredibly sorry for your loss. Your mom is really hurting right now. When a loved one dies, many people want to buy the most expensive caskets, etc because they feel that is what the deceased deserves, regardless of what the person might have said before death.

    I encourage you to follow your dad's wishes, and don't go into a lot of debt for this. I happen to know quite a bit about the funeral industry, so if there's anything I can do for you please PM me.
    "A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart, and wins with his character." - Tesio



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
    Posts
    3,682

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    I can only offer you support and know that a stranger in Fl is sending you positive thoughts that you and your family may get through this tough time.



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,017

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    I am so sorry for your loss. My father has been gone for over 30 years and my mother still grieves. As everyone has said, your mother is just lashing out. It isn't fair but there you have it. Try not to take it personally and just get through the next few weeks. You will all need each other as the new reality sets in.

    My prayers are with you and your family.



  7. #27
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,793

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    I am so sorry for your loss. My Dad died in 2006, and I can honestly say that I still tear up now.

    Be kind to yourself.
    Sheilah


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Feb. 24, 2011
    Location
    Idaho
    Posts
    151

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    I am so sorry to hear this ... my thoughts are with you and your family.

    I lost my dad unexpectedly when I was 20, and I remember how I felt and how my family reacted. My mom reacted very similarly to how you're describing your mom. It was baffling then, and we were all acting out of grief and shock and a grim determination to Get Through It and to Act Normal. I couldn't sleep either, even though I was exhausted, and it was then that I started grinding my teeth at night. I told myself that first night, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, "just grit your teeth and get through this." And I did, forever after. At the time I would have told you I was TOTALLY FINE THANKS, but looking back, I can see how fruitbatted up I was, my sisters were, and my mom was.

    Anyway ... all that to say that you're doing the right thing with the burial and the coffin. It sounds like your mom is acting out of a somewhat crazed headspace, even if she knew while your dad was alive what he would have wanted. Stick to your guns, do what you can, and don't be too hard on your mom or yourself.

    Hugs -- and my total sympathy. This is really hard, and I'm so sorry.
    Nanakorobi yaoki: Seven times fall, eight times rise.
    http://reveilleandrinsie.blogspot.com



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Sep. 30, 2002
    Location
    Alamo, CA USA
    Posts
    225

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    Condolences on your loss. I lost my father in 1994 to metastatic lung cancer and just last week I found myself wanting to call him up and talk about something. Losing a dad is just very hard.

    I agree that your mother's reaction is mostly fueled by grief right now. Any kind of counseling you can get her to would be helpful for her to heal from her huge loss.

    Hugs and don't hold it against your mom. She is still your mom and will need you in the future just like she needs you now. Remember, she cleaned your dirty bottom when you were little!
    Georgia Langsam
    Team Gauguin, LLC - www.teamgauguin.com
    Standing Gauguin du Cheval 9054, Prestige II TG, Gauguin's Impression, Gauguin's Brush and Weltfrieden TG



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun. 30, 2006
    Location
    SF Bay Area, California
    Posts
    4,258

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    My sincere condolences to you and your family. My dad also succumbed to pancreatic cancer. I know to well how devastating the loss of a parent is, since I have lost both of mine.

    No doubt your mother is not thinking clearly due to her grief. The fact she would not acknowledge your father's pending death, says a lot.

    I agree with what others have suggested and do what your father would have wanted. It's a final way to pay your respects to the man who helped raise you.

    I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time, and am sending you many hugs.

    Don't be afraid to look into free grief counseling services if you feel you need help.
    Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e350/Jen4USC/fave.jpg
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e3...SC/running.jpg



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Feb. 8, 2004
    Location
    Rolling hills of Virginny
    Posts
    5,953

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    My condolences on your loss and financial stress due to the situation.

    I lost my father last year. He was always a planner, and he had his and my mother's cremation costs paid for years ago so it wouldn't fall on the children or the spouse left behind.

    We only had to arrange the church service, and since my mother survived him, he went home with her. When it's her time, she'll be cremated and their ashes will be buried together in a plot my father purchased years ago when he paid for their cremations.

    Be kind to your mother and yourselves. It's tough no matter how smoothly things go, and when there's strife that just makes it much worse.

    I second the idea of your mother's pastor/priest speaking to her. My mother found a lot of comfort from their priest right after my father's death.
    The plural of anecdote is not data.



  12. #32
    Join Date
    Dec. 11, 2005
    Location
    Southern California - Hemet
    Posts
    1,662

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    I am so very sorry. My best healing thoughts are headed to you and your family.



  13. #33
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2000
    Location
    California
    Posts
    8,021

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    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

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    I am sorry for your loss.

    Grief seems to make some people money crazy. Nothing is good enough for the deceased, items start taking on more importance and people fight about that, etc etc etc.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  15. #35
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2001
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    2,481

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    I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad a few weeks ago to cancer, he was only in his 60's. Your mom is speaking from a place of grief, shock and denial. You and your siblings are doing the right thing by being economical and honoring your father's wishes.

    My dad was one of my best friends (and thankfully my mom still is) and it has been so hard. But the hardest part of all has been watching my mom try to come to terms with the fact that her life is now different in basically every single way. She has been a trooper but she is mostly still a shell at this point.

    Hang in there, these are hard and sad times. I'm so sorry.



  16. #36
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    4,968

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    I'm sorry you and your family are going through this... Prayers and hope for some peace soon but I'm afraid you're going to have to get through more of the upheaval first...

    Hang in there...



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jul. 2, 2005
    Posts
    1,635

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    I feel your pain. We lost our mom to Pancreatic cancer last year. All this brings out the worse drama possibly. I hated decisions other family members made. A year later, I'm not so angry. Find a good friend and let them be there for support with you thru this time. Hugs.
    ********
    There is no snooze button on a cat that wants breakfast.



  18. #38
    Join Date
    May. 9, 2005
    Location
    Chattanooga, Tennessee
    Posts
    3,547

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    I am so sorry for your loss. Sending many thoughts and prayers, and lighting a candle. Grief does strange things to people. You and your siblings are making some solid good choices for everyone involved. I'm sure your mother is hurting beyond belief as you all are, and will hopefully realize how you've all stepped up when she is hurting less. Whether she does or not, you and your siblings are taking care of your father, and mother, and each other, in the best way you can *hugs*



  19. #39
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2006
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    1,779

    Default

    I am sorry for your loss



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Nov. 11, 2008
    Posts
    363

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father to a heart attack six years ago. I agree with everyone else who says your mom is acting out due to grief. It is good that you and your siblings had the forsight to do make some arrangements in advance.

    When my grandfather died, my father's brother and sister caused a similar scene.

    Family can be very difficult but you are doing the right thing.



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