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  1. #1
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    Default DD boyfriend-DH doesnt like

    DD is senior in HS. This is 1st serious guy. Hes some older than she is not going to college but working. Not real motivated though to make more of life. This guy is clone of my 1st serious guy. Its wierd.

    DH is sure DD will drop out of med school and get married. .

    Im trying to lay low let her figure it out like I did. He wants to break them up. I say wont work.

    Thoughts?
    “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Peter Drucker



  2. #2
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    Trying to break them up won't work and will often make them dig in their heels more just to not be swayed by you. I'd say let her figure it out. Maybe ask what his future plans are, invite him to dinner and have intellectual type conversations, where his shortcomings will be apparent. Talk about expensive things your daughter enjoys. that may scare him off when he realizes that he can't give her what she wants.


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  3. #3
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    Oh for pity's sake, has he not read Romeo and Juliet and every knock off since then? If he tries to break them up she *will* marry the guy, and probably elope besides.

    If she's a senior she's probably 18 or close to it. Offer an opinion if you're asked or *once* if you aren't but you can't keep quiet. Otherwise, leave her alone.

    Not going to college does not mean he won't make anything of himself, I hope you have more evidence than that.
    --
    Wendy
    ... and Patrick



  4. #4
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    May. 8, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDeere View Post
    DD is senior in HS. This is 1st serious guy. Hes some older than she is not going to college but working. Not real motivated though to make more of life. This guy is clone of my 1st serious guy. Its wierd.

    DH is sure DD will drop out of med school and get married. .

    Im trying to lay low let her figure it out like I did. He wants to break them up. I say wont work.

    Thoughts?
    Won't work. At that age, it just makes them want the 'forbidden fruit' even more. I got engaged at 18....parents HATED the guy (and for good reason)....and honestly, I'm pretty sure he asked because he was ultra-religious and didn't want to 'lose' me to the pressure of my parents....and I said yes because I wanted to prove my parents wrong.

    I thank God every day that I didn't go through with that wedding. It's funny, I find myself saying "Gee....my mom sure was right about that...." a lot more often now that I'm older!
    To be loved by a horse should fill us with awe, for we hath not deserved it.


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  5. #5
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    Jun. 25, 2004
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    Default

    Get to know the kid. She may drop him, he may drop her, he may turn out to be the SIL you both want for your daughter.

    They are young, give them some guidance and some trust. You two raised her didn't you? Hopefully she remembers what you taught her.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim


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  6. #6
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    I was her age seems like last week, no talk of what we couldnt afford would have worked. I think trying to break them up wont work, DH knows "lots" of people who should have broken up their kids but didnt then they end up preg, then you are stuck. Ive tried to talk to him, Im told Im encourging them. I dont think hes for her but hes not bad. DH remembers when he was that age and wanted 1 thing (from me). Brains dont mean much in the backseat .

    Who knew kids were soo hard?
    “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Peter Drucker



  7. #7
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    Feb. 6, 2007
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    You described my first boyfriend to a T. My parents were very patient while I dated him for four years. Now I'm married to a NASA engineer. These things have a way of working themselves out.
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  8. #8
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    Apr. 5, 2003
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    If DH wants to guarantee DD will become serious with the boyfriend, just try and break them up. If she is off to college next year then let it run its course.


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  9. #9
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    Mar. 11, 2004
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    I agree with all of the previous posters. I am very thankful that my parents never had anything negative to say about any of my boyfriends. I figured it out on my own...they did have plenty to say about a few of them after I broke it off, though. All that my parents cared about was 1) if I was in a healthy, normal relationship and 2) if the guy made me happy. Out of all of my boyfriends, two of the most "serious" were/are very different in terms of potential "success" (in monetary form). The one I didn't choose is a CPA and makes very good money. The one I'm marrying is a farmer. I may have been able to live a more lavish life with the ex, but money is truly not important - I have everything I could ever want with my SO. PS There's a difference between not going to college and not wanting to do anything with your life, by the way. If he's truly a dead beat, she'll figure it out.
    My CANTER cutie Chip and IHSA shows!
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by jetsmom View Post
    Trying to break them up won't work and will often make them dig in their heels more just to not be swayed by you. I'd say let her figure it out. Maybe ask what his future plans are, invite him to dinner and have intellectual type conversations, where his shortcomings will be apparent. Talk about expensive things your daughter enjoys. that may scare him off when he realizes that he can't give her what she wants.
    Wow, how awful. OP if you convince your daughter to drop a guy who loves her for someone who can give her expensive things she wants... I sure hope she loves her expensive things.
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    To the Max, you're marrying a poor boy for love? Who does that anymore?
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**



  12. #12
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    My doctor back home was married to a truck driver. At least he has a job. If he isn't beating your daughter, isolating her from all her friends or crushing her will, let it play itself out.
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnDeere View Post
    I was her age seems like last week, no talk of what we couldnt afford would have worked. I think trying to break them up wont work, DH knows "lots" of people who should have broken up their kids but didnt then they end up preg, then you are stuck. Ive tried to talk to him, Im told Im encourging them. I dont think hes for her but hes not bad. DH remembers when he was that age and wanted 1 thing (from me). Brains dont mean much in the backseat .

    Who knew kids were soo hard?
    This can be a difficult topic to broach, but I would quietly offer to get her on BC. Deadbeat boyfriend can be sent on his way, babies can not.
    "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

    Phoenix Animal Rescue


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  14. #14
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    Feb. 16, 2012
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    My mom let me figure this stuff out... sometime i wish she would have given me an honest opinion when I asked her though. Instead of always saying she liked that they made me happy and then after breaking up confessing she had him pegged from week one and knew it was a matter of time before i figured it out. I learned to learn my lesson faster as a result.

    It never occurred to me I'd get stuck with the baby daddy if i got knocked up... I did have a boyfriend try though, wanted to keep me home buy me lots of nice stuff and "allow" me to pop out our babies one after another.... he was nuts I finally figured it out I'm a firm believer than no influence is better than an asshole dad lol

    er sorry for the off topic interjection

    as my momma always told me though "If you can love a poor man just as much as a rich man.. love the rich man!"



  15. #15
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    I agree that you should let it take its course. If she does ask for your opinion, I would politely say something like "we'll it seems like he makes you happy, I just have some concerns about the future" and don't offer up more criticism until pressed.

    The only place I would get involved though is if she starts limiting her college applications to only nearly schools because of him. I would push her to apply to and visit all the schools she's interested in. At least that gives her options down the road if she wants them. But remember, she should explore other schools to keep her options open, NOT because her boyfriend sucks and you hope they'll break up. There's a difference.
    Proud member of the "I'm In My 20's and Hope to Be a Good Rider Someday" clique

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  16. #16
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Be nice to the guy and don't try to break them up, it won't work, it would just drive them under ground and then you REALLY won't know what's going on. If you and DD have a good, open, relationship and she's not already on BC, now may be the time to bring it up.

    And, I agree with Wonders, I'd only try to intervene if it looks like she is going to make important life decisions, at 18, based on this relationship, rather than what's best for her.

    I know of no high school relationships that survived the first year of college when only one of the parties went to college, or they went to different colleges...chances are very high that the relationship will peter out on it's own by this time next year, if it lasts that long.



  17. #17
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    Apr. 20, 2011
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    if you really step back a bit, how bad does the BF really suck?? He's working, so what if eventually she makes more than he does?? lots of couples are like that now adays......... does he treat her well? your DH could run this one off, but Karma's a bitch and the next one might make this one looks like the better choice!

    I have a long story about how much my parents hated my husband when I met him, but typing it out made me cry, so I'll just say that my husband was the one who took a leave of absence from his blue collar job when my mother was sick and dying, so that she could stay at home and not go into a home.

    we never know where life is going to take us, we always want better for our kids, I think sometimes what we think/believe is the "better" might be what lets them down in the future......... JMHO of course, but my husband is my hero, and that's what matters. we've had times where we've had money, and others, like now, where times are really tough, but I'd live in a cardboard box with him down by the river before I'd choose someone else with a degree, a mansion and a million dollars


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  18. #18
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    Jun. 16, 2006
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    I say just let it run its course. I was in the same sitation as your daughter when I was in high school... parents didn't like the guy I was dating because he "had no ambition" and so I dated him just to spite them But once I went to college and had a much larger pool of potential boyfriends, my relationship with that guy ended when I saw that there were better fish in the sea.

    On the other hand, if she sticks with him through college/med school and he treats her well, then he must be a keeper.
    "Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field." --Dwight D Eisenhower

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  19. #19
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    I think you need to both trust in how you raised your daughter.


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  20. #20
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    I agree that trying to break them up will likely backfire...been there, done that, got the t-shirt, unfortunately (but he was REAL cute, lol!). Trust yourselves as parents.

    As a HS student considering med school, she may be surrounded by close peers that are serious about their futures and a bit intense about studying, etc. His mellow attitude about the future may be a breath of fresh air to her.

    And also keep in mind that guys tend to mature a bit slower than girls, and are VERY unlikely to chat with the GF's parents about his hopes, dreams, and aspirations for his future. Just not cool to a kid that age, but they may actually really compliment eachother; she may have him thinking about what he wants for the future, and he may be helping her enjoy a bit of living for the moment.

    Have you really chatted with her about what it is she enjoys about him? It might give you some insight as to how serious this really is; "He's soo cute and popular" is less worrisome than "He really gets me, and we can talk for hours about anything."



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