The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 4 of 7 FirstFirst ... 23456 ... LastLast
Results 61 to 80 of 130
  1. #61
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    2,231

    Default

    I'm a guy and because of a relationship with someone who had endured abuse in her childhood and later, have read about a dozen books on that and related topics.

    The advice most of the other posters here have offered squares very well with all of that. The only thing I might add is that when you get the chance, locate a capable therapist to help you process what you've been through, in particular to minimize the temptation to somehow blame yourself, and to re-center.

    I am embarrassed that other men behave in this way, but the problem isn't confined to psychologically damaged men; there are abusive women in the world, too. I concur with the comment that finding yourself in a relationship with someone who becomes abusive doesn't suggest anything one way or another about you or your history. The fact that you know you need to, and that you plan to get out, suggests you're in pretty good shape despite every effort this creep has made to undermine you and trap you.

    Good luck. Be safe.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein


    18 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
    Location
    Fern Creek, KY
    Posts
    3,010

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Adamantane View Post
    I'm a guy and because of a relationship with someone who had endured abuse in her childhood and later, have read about a dozen books on that and related topics.

    The advice most of the other posters here have offered squares very well with all of that. The only thing I might add is that when you get the chance, locate a capable therapist to help you process what you've been through, in particular to minimize the temptation to somehow blame yourself, and to re-center.
    This. This. This.

    I was in an realtionship that sounds a lot like yours. I didn't get out when I should have, and he ended up getting physical. The only thing that saved me was the fact that I always keep a spare set of keys in my glove box, and I had forgotten to lock my car that night. I literally had to grab my dog, kick him (ex... not the dog) in the manly bits, and run. I called the cops on my way out.

    My life was hell for the next year. He stalked me, hacked into my facebook/e-mail, sent my now husband disgusting messages saying I was cheating on him (8 months after we'd broken up TYVM!), and stole my car. I'd do it all again if I had to, because I got away from him.

    My one regret was that I didn't talk to a therapist right away. It's led to severe anxiety that I'm just now figuring out how to control, affected my relationship with my amazing saint of a husband, and a handful of other things. It was actually because of COTH that I got help (because of anxiety over what I thought was moving) and I got several helpful and supportive PMs.

    I'm here if you need to talk, and if you're in the area, we have a spare bedroom and a manly man trained in all kinds of weird martial arts who is also pretty damn accurate to 3,000 yards with a high powered rifle. Plus a very snuggly pair of kitties, which always makes everything better.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2005
    Location
    Aiken SC / Fay NC
    Posts
    5,367

    Default

    I clicked your name to see where you are but you just mentioned it. Was going to send you a key to my house! Glad you have a plan!
    FREE TACK/APPAREL ADS: BITS AND BARTER BOARD: http://bitsandbarter.proboards.com/i...ay&thread=5450



  4. #64
    Join Date
    Jan. 2, 2009
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    446

    Default

    Don't sweat going to the parents. At least you have somewhere to go!
    Strange how much you've got to know Before you know how little you know. Anonymous



  5. #65
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2007
    Posts
    1,136

    Default

    And you didn't know about this trip yesterday when you said you were going to your parents?

    Does he have guns? What kind of Meds?

    To be honest, I wouldn't help you if I were there, at the risk of my life. I think you're coming up with excuses not to leave him.



  6. #66
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2008
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    710

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BabyGreen View Post
    And you didn't know about this trip yesterday when you said you were going to your parents?

    Does he have guns? What kind of Meds?

    To be honest, I wouldn't help you if I were there, at the risk of my life. I think you're coming up with excuses not to leave him.

    I knew about it, in my haste to be gone it left my mind. No he does not own guns, no I do not consider him dangerous. No I am not giving excuses not to leave him. But being alone in a giant house for five days gives me more of a chance of breaking down and calling him up and giving in. I would like to stack the odds in my favor.

    In fact this whole thing is slightly out of proportion. The situation is bad, I am unhappy. But its not dangerous. Thank you.



  7. #67
    Join Date
    Jul. 15, 2005
    Location
    Cambridge Springs, PA
    Posts
    3,105

    Default

    I'm in NW PA Bedazzle. If you need a hand, PM me. I can be there.
    www.hogbackhillfarm.com


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,707

    Default

    Maybe move your stuff, then take a vacation with some out of town friends until your parents get back? I'd be concerned that once he finds out that you've left, he will come looking for you, and you're best off someplace really inconvenient for him to find you.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Dec. 15, 2005
    Posts
    3,271

    Default

    Talk with people at your local women's shelter to get their input about keeping yourself safe. A week at the shelter might keep him from coming after you. The shelter will also help you get a restraining order, if you need it, to keep yourself and your parents safe. They may have a counselor who can help you figure out how to spot and avoid potentially unsafe relationships in the future.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #70
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2002
    Location
    Cow County, MD
    Posts
    6,929

    Default

    Oh, I've been where you are--guy was not dangerous, he was a big selfish baby who "didn't like" any of my friends and slowly cut me off from them. I was ready to go, but then my mother was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and I stayed several more months because I just couldn't handle two life-altering changes at the same time. Once I left, though, it was like a weight had lifted from me. Seriously. I felt like a new person.

    It was a difficult lesson to learn, but a valuable one. The experience taught me exactly what I could and couldn't put up with in a relationship.
    Life would be infinitely better if pinatas suddenly appeared throughout the day.



  11. #71
    Join Date
    Apr. 17, 2002
    Location
    between the barn and the pond
    Posts
    14,203

    Default

    In these five days:
    Get a cheap pre paid phone.
    Talk to your service provider about changing your cell phone number, too. You don't want him to be able to phone you.
    I would contact the local crisis shelters for advice- just so you know your rights with regard to future harassment.
    I suspect he will have an epic meltdown and stalk/harass you. Having a restraining order prepared should be something you've decided you will do, and might sleep better if you know, already, how to go about that.

    Clean up your cookies, web traffic, history, etc on ALL browsers, phones, etc.
    Go ahead and change your passwords now, to something insanely random and long...and change them again ASAP after you walk out.

    You can do this.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #72
    Join Date
    Oct. 13, 2006
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    793

    Default

    Yeah, I would make some "just in case" contingency plans. My a-hole ex wasn't mentally ill (at least not diagnosed) and wasn't outright abusive, but when I finally broke up with him he did threaten me a couple times. He was too much of a coward to actually do anything, but if you think your man-child might go off the deep end, it would be best to have plans in place. Better to have plans and not need them than to be caught unprepared when he goes ballistic.
    friend of bar.ka



  13. #73
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    2,925

    Default

    Ok, since you're parents are out of town the next few days, you do have to drive over there a few times to get the mail and water the houseplants, right? Use this as an opportunity to move stuff over there. Good luck, and yes, you need to leave.
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  14. #74
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,190

    Default

    Have someone help you move your stuff to your parents house, and then go somewhere else until they get back. You have several great offers on here, and I bet there are a lot of people that would love to give you a place to stay for a few days. Block him from your phone, and change your number. He may not seem dangerous now, but I bet he'll be plenty steamed after he realizes you left, and aren't coming back. It's a childish reaction, and he seems very childish from your description, and I bet he trashes the house after you leave. Life is too short to live with someone who doesn't treasure you. Be safe, and take care.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  15. #75
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    OP...

    When things settle down for you a bit, may I recommend a read for you? It's called "Facing Codependence" and it's by Pia Mellody.

    It's quite good. I probably won't all apply to you, but some of it may register as far as why it feels good to care for someone yet also feels crappy!

    If you need a quick out, I am currently in MI will be on my way to VA this next week. Because my dog got super sick and needed surgery, I'm pretty much tied to an empty house for the next few days as all of our stuff is gone! My point being...I have time. If you need someone to come get you, need/want a place to stay, you'd be welcome here or wherever I am.

    You're going to be okay. I see you have a good strong mind and a brave heart. With that combo, you can encounter all sorts of challenges, survive them and get even stronger. You'll be okay.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  16. #76
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
    Posts
    4,548

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    Have someone help you move your stuff to your parents house, and then go somewhere else until they get back.
    Goodness gracious people, OP knows the man better than any of us. Thus far they fight, and he threatens to call the cops to "supervise" when she tells him she's leaving - exactly what she was advised to call them for in this very thread.

    She wants to stay put for a few more days until her folks get back, so she can have support when she leaves. Where the fruitbat is all this "get thee to someplace, anyplace, right now if not sooner" stuff coming from?

    If he reacts violently to her leaving, he'll do that whether she leaves tonight or 3 days from now. He is not violent now and has apparently not been before, OP just finally made up her mind to go. What's the rush in leaving THISVERYNIGHTOMG?


    7 members found this post helpful.

  17. #77
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2006
    Location
    Seabeck - the soggy peninsula
    Posts
    3,249

    Default

    I think it is that jumping course designed by Conclusions, and my all time favoirite COTHism, "saddle up that Drama Llama and ride!"
    "I have brought on the hatred of Wall Street and I relish it".
    Franklin Delano Roosevelt


    3 members found this post helpful.

  18. #78
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2009
    Location
    Alberta's bread basket
    Posts
    1,573

    Default

    There is nothing wrong with having to go back to your parents until you get back on your feet.

    Pack your stuff and leave when he's not around. This can be done in a civil manner. Just plan when it is best to go and and just go.

    If it falls on a day when you're stuck with his kids, call in a babysitter that you have both trusted before.

    And then leave. He doesn't need to give you permission to leave. You only need to give yourself permission to leave. You are an autonomous adult. You can make your own decisions about your life. The relationship isn't working for you in any shape or manner, from the sounds of things, so you have the right and freedom to do what's right for you.
    http://www.mariposasporthorses.com/

    Practice! Patience! Persistence!



  19. #79
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,769

    Default

    Victim or Volunteer?

    The first time he acted stupidly/psychotically/supremely needy etc....you were a victim.

    The second time he acted stupidly/psychotically/supremely needy etc...you were a volunteer.

    It's a lot like spousal abuse...the first time you're hit, you're a victim. If you stick around and get hit again...you're a volunteer.

    I've helped a bunch of friends who were in abusive relationships (including my own sister) Her husband left the day after I had a talk with him...he couldn't stand the idea of not being able to hit her (and not become a missing person). I received a late night call from two friends, a girl we know had been abused by her husband and his family...I had a horse trailer and down the road we went at 2:00 AM (he was on a very rare trip and she was alone). Got her two horses and her stuff out of the situation...a week later she was back with him and wanted me to haul her horses back home for her (that didn't happen).

    Leave, stop being a volunteer, and don't go back...the OP deserves to be happy, and this guy "ain't" a source of that.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    4 members found this post helpful.

  20. #80
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2005
    Location
    You must never go there, Simba.
    Posts
    3,455

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Victim or Volunteer?

    The first time he acted stupidly/psychotically/supremely needy etc....you were a victim.

    The second time he acted stupidly/psychotically/supremely needy etc...you were a volunteer.

    It's a lot like spousal abuse...the first time you're hit, you're a victim. If you stick around and get hit again...you're a volunteer.
    I'm not sure how applicable this is the the OP's situation, but as a general commentary on domestic violence, I tend to agree with Trakehner.

    After spending a year working in the criminal justice system, I saw a lot of domestic violence victims. 99% of them had filed previous reports against the same person and had then begged to have the charges dropped/PFAs lifted. We had one "victim" that had dozens of cases going back over a decade. I understand that domestic violence is a psychologically complicated matter, but at some point, we have to begin to assume that you just like being hit.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris



Similar Threads

  1. I Hate Hate Hate Bullsnaps!
    By altjaeger in forum Horse Care
    Replies: 56
    Last Post: Nov. 11, 2012, 08:50 PM
  2. Replies: 29
    Last Post: Nov. 1, 2012, 08:34 AM
  3. Replies: 42
    Last Post: Oct. 31, 2012, 01:39 PM
  4. Eventing or Boyfriend?
    By rideonbestrong in forum Eventing
    Replies: 101
    Last Post: Jan. 28, 2011, 02:36 PM
  5. What would you think if your boyfriend said this?
    By stonzthrow in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 89
    Last Post: Nov. 29, 2010, 02:14 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness