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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2008
    Location
    Rochester, NY
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    2,035

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    You have received so much excellent advice. I want to reiterate: (a) Do NOT feel stupid. Making you "feel stupid" is part & parcel in how people end up in these kinds of relationships for too long... and all of us who are telling you this can do so because we've been there. It's not unusual to find yourself in an emotionally manipulative & abusive relationship. We all got out & did OK by ourselves, and you will too.

    (b) Get a crew, several vehicles, pack what you can in the time you have & GO. Don't look back. Don't answer calls. Don't come back for the couch you couldn't fit/shoes you forgot/pots & pans you scraped and saved for, what have you. Whatever you can fit in that one trip is what you have; forget the rest. You really can always get new "stuff" and your peace of mind, sanity and sense of self worth are much, much harder to replace.

    If you are anywhere near Rochester, NY, I will come help. I have ninja packing skills, a reliable slew of backup help on call, zero tolerance for manipulative SOB's and am a scary freaking red headed mare. Seriously. I'll help if you are in the area. Just tell me where to be when.

    Hugs & buck-up-sisters to you. You can do this.
    bar.ka think u al.l. susp.ect
    free bar.ka and tidy rabbit


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2008
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,083

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    It's called codependency. You get something out of the relationship as well - from being a caretaker and from being needed, or you wouldn't still be there. Healthy people run from that type of relationship. I say this from a very loving place, having been married for 12 years to an abuser. It took a lot of therapy for me to wrest free, and I'm still working on it. I'm MUCH healthier now, but still working on it. I retch at that term, by the way (codependency), but there is some truth to it - we must get something from it, or we wouldn't stay for so long. It's not just financial dependency.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2008
    Posts
    2,233

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    Quote Originally Posted by Petstorejunkie View Post
    I think that trak is trying to say is that being attracted to someone abusive and chaotic says something about your childhood. Your youth is what teaches you acceptable behaviors for yourself and others. Many times you won't even remember it as abuse because you just accepted that everyone grows up the way you did.
    Most definitely NOT true. Talk to anyone who works with battered women. Sure, there are strong correlations to this effect, but by no means ALL women (or men) who find themselves in abusive situations were abused themselves growing up.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    2 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Oct. 13, 2006
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    797

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    I'm late to this thread but just wanted to add that YOU CAN DO IT, Bedazzle! I dated a manipulative a-hole for 2 years too long (thank God I didn't live with him) back when I was young(er) and know how hard it can be to cut the cord and be done with it.

    If you have health insurance, I would recommend trying to get in to see a therapist at least a couple times, so you have someone neutral and supportive that you can vent and work through your thoughts and feelings with.

    And if you're anywhere in MA/southern NH/ southern ME or northern CT, PM me and I'd be glad to help in any way I can.
    friend of bar.ka



  5. #45
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    736

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    Nothing else to add, but thinking of you today and hoping all goes well!
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2009
    Posts
    1,218

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    Sometimes relationships that start out great turn sour very slowly over time. Then you wake up and realize that you shouldn't be putting up with the BS , and that you are truely miserable. It happens to a lot of people. I was in a miserable / abusive relationship for 12 years before I finally got out. Sad thing was that it happened so gradually that I didn't realize how unhappy I was until he was deployed to Iraq and he was essentially out of my life for a year. That's when I got all my ducks in a row and when he came home, I had a talk with him and told him I was really glad he was home safe, and that I was filing for divorce.

    So, deep breath. Have a parent or friend or even a cop go with you when you pack your stuff up and move out (as a possible witness later if needed) - do it when he's not around. Then get out and don't look back.

    Where are you located ? Maybe some COTHers could help you out.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2008
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    743

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    I'm located in Central Ohio. For my own safety, I am having to postpone the breakup until Monday or Tuesday. Tomorrow my entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma, mom and dad) are off to my cousins wedding in California. I do not think it's in my best interest to break this off today when I will be in a giant house by myself for 4-5 days. I could easily not hear anyone come in from upstairs. So thank you for the good wishes, the support, etc. I truly appreciate it. I will start the planning now and make an exit early next week. Thank you again.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2011
    Location
    East Longmeadow, MA
    Posts
    3,460

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    Very late to this thread. You CAN do it. Please keep us posted. I have SO been there. My Mom and I had to go and get all my stuff. We were scared but we did it. The SOB almost killed my cat and then started on me. I have permanent hearing loss. Get OUT before he hurts you!!!
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!



  9. #49
    Join Date
    Aug. 15, 2008
    Posts
    4,586

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    Can you use these next few days to do some sneaky packing that he wouldn't notice and run it over to your parents house?

    Stay safe, Bedazzled, and keep us posted.
    "Aye God, Woodrow..."


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Sep. 26, 2010
    Posts
    4,650

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    OP: how much stuff do you have to carry out of there? Can you fit all of it in your truck? Basically I'm wondering if you can get everything out in one load or if you need two trips, or two vehicles.



  11. #51
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,524

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    Any COTHers in the area got a spare room the OP could stay in until her family gets home? If anything that would confuse the heck out of him more than going to your family right away.

    And someone with that many problems belongs in supervised custody, not a relationship. There aren't many mental hospitals any more, but they do have psych wards. I get that you are probably a 'caretaker' personality, and you've known him a while, but you're not a nurse, and he's using alphabet-soup 'disorders' to excuse behaving like a child. I'm amazed an employer keeps him around if he's always calling you and can't get it right.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52
    Join Date
    Jun. 12, 2011
    Location
    Elkridge, MD
    Posts
    45

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    "....The down side is I will have to move back with my parents until I can get back on my feet. I also have very little in the way of a support system."

    So...just who is the babysitter in this relationship?

    Leave, he deserves an adult female, you deserve to be happy.
    Really though?

    That is called victim-blaming.

    I recently left an abusive relationship. I had (have) a relatively small support system too -- because of the abusive relationship. I was cut off from my friends for so long that many of them simply stopped talking to me, became angry with me, same with my family.

    FYI there was no abuse in my past, not even "forgotten" abuse (really?). I am very close with my parents and they helped me leave.

    I hesitate to be "that" person, but if you have never been in an abusive relationship, I would doubt that you know the fear, helplessness, and powerlessness that often accompany it. It has nothing to do with being an "adult female" or not (I myself am a perfectly capable adult female with a postgraduate degree and a full time job). I have a protective order against my former partner and STILL every time I hear a noise in the house, I freeze and panic, thinking it's him trying to get in. I barely sleep.

    I know others have responded to this post, but as a survivor, it honestly sickened me.

    To the OP: leave as soon as it is safe for you to do so. There are crisis shelters where you can go if you truly do not feel safe -- and DO NOT IGNORE your intuition/instincts. Consider getting a protective order. And CERTAINLY retain a lawyer. I would also agree with those who told you to photograph and videotape the house prior to your exit so he cannot claim you "trashed" it -- my ex did actually do this (luckily I have the house, cue a very confused landlord stepping around the spotless house asking "but I thought it was ruined?").

    Don't wait until it is too late, please. He may not be physically violent now but these people often escalate into physical violence -- there's a clear pattern that many domestic abusers follow and it starts with the verbal threats, intimidation, belittling, etc.

    Feel free to PM me if you need help or have any questions. I don't know where you are but I am in MD and will take you in.


    16 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    8,761

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    So...just who is the babysitter in this relationship?

    Leave, he deserves an adult female....
    I don't know who the "babysitter" in the relationship is, but I can certainly figure out who the unadulterated A-HOLE in this thread is.

    What do you personally GET out of talking to the OP like that? Just adding one more jibe to someone who is already obviously taking a lot of crap from a male figure? You like making people feel small? You LIKE telling her she's not an "adult"? What does that make YOU, I wonder?

    OP, I think you are wise to wait just 48 more hours until your family is back in town. But please do call the police to have them supervise your exit. Once you know they are coming you won't turn back in the last minute.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
    Location
    North-Central IL
    Posts
    3,804

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    If you're in IL I'll come help!

    ETA: sorry, I missed where you said you were in Ohio.
    Last edited by Mosey_2003; Oct. 31, 2012 at 12:46 PM.
    Quarry Rat



  15. #55
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2006
    Location
    Fredericksburg, VA
    Posts
    2,476

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    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    What do you personally GET out of talking to the OP like that?
    The same thing, I suppose, that he gets out of talking to everyone else like that.


    16 members found this post helpful.

  16. #56
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
    Posts
    1,009

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    Exactly Vixen. I had a pretty good childhood, no real abuse and my parents are awesome. I ended up with a sociopath who drew me in because he could turn on the charm like no other. I totally fell for it. In fact, it didn't rear it's ugly head until I was married and pregnant. Looking back, I now see all the little things he chipped away, I see exactly how I was abused and how because it was just little tiny control things, like not letting me drive and not letting me listen to the music I wanted to listen to, started adding up. He'd also put me down a lot, and make me feel like I was stupid. Little by little, he took someone who was strong and broke me down. I'm out now, and better for it. I've learned SO much.

    Bedazzle, you are not stupid. You fell for the charade, and it's an easy thing to fall for. You get beaten down little by little, and you don't even really notice it. You sort of do, but it's not enough to make you think "wow I'm being abused!" because it's all so small. But it adds up. Learn from this experience and you will be able to spot a crazy from a mile away and know to avoid getting in that situation again. If you use this as a learning experience, you will be a better and stronger person. Just PLEASE don't become one of those women who perpetually fall for the same kind of guy. It's easy to do, but if you are diligent and picky, you will be way better off. Don't get into a relationship because you are lonely.

    Good luck, and let us know how you are doing. If this board gets shut down before this is resolved, please PM someone here that you feel comfortable PMing to let them know you are ok, or if you need help or ANYTHING. Please just be safe.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Jul. 1, 2000
    Location
    Goochland, VA
    Posts
    1,440

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    To the OP: Where you are does not sound safe. If you are scared to be in your parents house alone, then why is it ok to stay in the same house with this abusive person? I understand the tendency to wait, but not a good idea, IMO. Do you not have any friends at all, co-workers, other COTH members who could stay with you or let you stay at their place until your parents get back? Sorry to be a bit tough, but quit making excuses and get out. With time you will see why this is wise. Go to the police if you need to, to let them know that you are fearful for your safety, and let the boyfriend know in no uncertain terms that you have notified authorities as well as friends and others what is going on--this will deter him from doing anything stupid.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2008
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    743

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    Thanks all, I do appreciate it. I may be weak in leaving this situation, but I'm not weak of mind. I am a strong person, I can take care of things on my own, and I can stand up for myself. In fact most of the arguing between my boyfriend and I is directly because I AM standing up for myself. I feel more comfortable waiting for my family to be back in town, so I will do that. If the board does close, feel free to PM me if you are concerned, but I assure you things will be OK.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2005
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    12,441

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    Glad you are making a plan! Have you talked to your family about it so they can help you when they get back?



  20. #60
    Join Date
    Nov. 17, 2006
    Posts
    4,022

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    Bedazzle, be sure you are signing off of COTH each time you leave your computer and do not have your password automatically entered. Be safe. Get out as soon as you can safely do so. And please let us all know when you are out and safe. Hopefully it will all go smoothly. I'll be thinking about you. Don't get sucked into any "I'll be better" BS. Most cannot be better. Let yourself to through a grieving process. Then move on emotionally. Good luck!!

    I hope this forum stays open until you get out so we are not left wondering about your safety!
    “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
    ¯ Oscar Wilde


    3 members found this post helpful.

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