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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2010
    Location
    Texarkana, AR
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    1,535

    Default I just want to runn oft - Long

    I have alluded to the problems with my family on some of my horse related posts but I've never really gone into detail. So here goes, a vent, rant, what have you. I have told the story of the ponies in another thread if anyone cares to look it up.

    I am the oldest of 3 surviving siblings. I have one sister who is deceased and whose 2 children are now grown. About 20 years ago, I lost a job in the Midwest and moved back to my parents' farm. At first I lived in an old run down house that was built by my grandparents. Eventually I bought a double wide but the land it sits on belongs to my parents (dad now, my mom died Memorial Day weekend). My parents always promised me that I would get the land the house is on, around 7 acres, but they have not deeded it to me yet.

    Over the years, my parents have occasionally helped me out financially. Things like a case of diet cokes, a tank of gas and my mom, who liked to shop, bought me clothes. But I busted my butt on the farm. My sister lives 80 miles away and my brother could never be bothered. I fed cattle, penned cattle, fixed fence, checked cattle, fed their dogs when my parents travelled and generally did anything else I could do, by myself or with my dad and daughter. My daughter, when she was 8 years old, would sit on the back of the truck and put out range cubes for the cows while I drove. My brother who lived in town would not even bother to call and check to see if we needed help.

    When the stock market crashed my parents lost all their savings. My mom, who was a very negative, complaining person, complained to my sister and brother and anyone else that would listen, that I was the cause of all their financial problems. She conveniently forgot all the work I did on the place. Not to mention, when they lost their savings, I often bought range cubes for the cows, bought all the horse feed and would buy her things like cokes or stuff if she needed it. The other development is that my bi-polar brother got his 3rd divorce (all 3 paid for by my parents), lost his job and moved back in with my parents. He has lived in their house for 3 years now and doesn't pay a dime in rent or contribute much of anything to the household. He spends most of his time in his room sleeping.

    My mother had a massive stroke around Easter. The day after she had the stroke, I went to her hospital room to check on her and my dad. My sister and oldest nephew were there. They immediately started making nasty remarks about me, that I should have learned to support myself, mom and dad were carrying me, mom was stressed out because of me and generally implying that I caused her stroke. I got enough and left and did not go back when they were there. Mom passed away on Memorial Day. My sister came and took over. She never missed an chance to say something nasty to me. I decided to just avoid her as much as possible.

    My Dad sold the farm shortly before my mother died. His share of the farm was around $250,000. Since then he has been spending money like it was going out of style. Some things needed to be done, like the AC unit for his house was shot, he paid for mom's funeral and pre-paid his, and paid off his truck. He also paid to have the 40 acres he kept fenced and to fence the 8 acres around my house. But he also had a pond dug which cost several thousand, bought a $400 Nu-Wave cooker off the TV, bought a new car, bought a $1000 trailer to haul his golf cart, and the kicker, a used party barge! Over half his money is gone.
    Dad is 84, BTW. He has not paid the taxes on the sale of the place, which I am estimating at between $20K and $40K. When I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me. When I try to talk to him about being more conservative with his spending, he ignores me. He totally refuses to face reality. Because I have confronted him, and I confess, I have lost my temper, I am now the evil bitch.

    Bi-polar brother has suddenly decided we need to get rid of all the horses. We do need to downsize and believe me, I'm trying. A few days ago, I accidentally left my old horse locked in the pen without water from around 7:30 to around 4:30. Not a good thing, but it wasn't intentional and he may have been a little thirsty but wasn't any the worse for wear. My brother was spoiling for a fight and started verbally abusing me about the horse when I walked in the room. He kept on and on and actually became physically threatening. He finally left and has not come back. My sister came over to see my dad. I was at his house, feeding his dogs, the chickens and horses and making sure Dad had something to eat. Sister, whom I've been avoiding, started confronting me about avoiding her. I am tired of her nasty remarks, I know she's not going to stop and I just want her and my brother to LEAVE ME ALONE!!

    I take care of my dad because I'm the closest and its the right thing to do but I am sick and tired of the abuse my siblings are dishing out. My dad is refusing to deed the land my house is on to me so in the very likely event that he has to go into long term care, the state will seize it. That is if the IRS doesn't beat them to it because he hasn't paid his income taxes. So I'm looking at the very real possibility of losing everything I have. I'll be 60 this December and it's not going to be easy to start over. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get rid of all the younger horses. My 4 old guys can be put down if push comes to shove. 6 of my dogs are middle aged or better so when I have to leave, most of them will probably be gone. I'm just hoping I'll be able to find something to rent where I can take my remaining pets.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry for the novel.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2002
    Location
    new england,,usa
    Posts
    4,311

    Default

    sounds horrible, i'm so sad for your situation. could you see an attorney about finding a way to protect yourself? have you been there for the length of your state's statue for adverse possesion maybe?
    jingling like crazy for a fair resolution, i really feel for you. (((((hugs))))) too.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2008
    Posts
    2,774

    Default

    My sympathies! I've witnessed sibling/parent power struggles most of my life, and there doesn't seem to be any easy answer; generally, the one with the most aggressive personality and money wins. From what I've seen, anyone who lives with or near the parent is resented for the resultant closer relationship, while anyone who lives further away or makes more money is resented for greater freedom. Both sides have a point. There's a good chance the other siblings have had negative feelings about the situation and their lack of say in the setup for a long time, and are not about to back off now there's an opportunity to finally get an oar in.

    Have you considered mediation? I've never tried it (basically find it easier to just let the aggressive siblings run the show), but it could be a good idea for a situation where various adults are struggling for control, there's no accepted authority figure, and there's a big financial asset to settle.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 15, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    815

    Default

    Run. You are riding a toxic merry go round. You feel like your siblings don't do enough, they feel like you are dependent, everyone nit picks at each other. I think at this point in your life, this isn't going to change, it is ingrained in all of you.

    You seem to be a reasonable adult, pack your stuff, sell what you can and go.

    Do not expect anyone in your family to appreciate it though. Find new friends, make new healthier relationships


    5 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 26, 2007
    Location
    San Jose, Ca
    Posts
    4,948

    Default My only answer is remove yourself.

    From one person with a crazy family to another – you need to distance yourself. I know its hard, it can be incredibly difficult, but as long as you are dependant in any way, as long as you are fully immersed in this dynamic – It will make YOU CRAZY.

    Seriously, until you are independent of them, your relationship with them will be on their terms, not yours. You won’t ever have the upper hand. Once you are able to sever yourself, you can then build a relationship that is on your terms.

    And it’s your Dad’s money to squander as he wishes – been there done that as well (my mom is now supported by the kids after she squandered hers, and I have a hoarder / borderline personality disorder mother in law who has blown through $750,000 in a few years since her husband’s death, she is now looking at a second BK).

    You can’t control them. Remove yourself so that they can not control you (by the way, also went through the promises of inherited houses etc etc, learned it was just a way to manipulate and control – I don’t need their promises of land etc – they can keep it if it means earning my independence, which it has!)


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2006
    Posts
    2,891

    Default

    You need to get out as soon as you can. This situation is only going to deteriorate further. If you can, find a lawyer who does intial consultations free to see if you have any legal rights in your state as far as the promise of land goes. I suspect not however.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,192

    Default

    As long as your dad netted less than $250K as a single person, or $500K as a married person, then the land might come under the tax free portion of the tax law-I'm not sure if that is relevant for land, but it is for houses. And if he goes in managed care or runs up big Medicare bills when the time comes, then I think there is a certain amount of time that the land would have had to be deeded to you, and it depends on the state. And most places I've lived the transfer has to be for a number of years before the previous owner goes into managed care or passes away-I'm not sure of the details, and I'm sure it depends on the state.

    MM and Appo are totally correct. You need to leave and find somewhere to go before they talk your dad into booting you out on the street. You will never get thanks, acknowledgement or love from any of these people, so stop trying. Find somewhere to go, and leave. People like that will use you and take everything you have to give, and leave you out in the cold when they have the chance. You need to leave on your terms before something else happens and you have no choice about leaving. If you start hunting for somewhere to live now, you have a better chance than if you wait until it's an emergency situation.

    You have done your duty taking care of everyone but yourself, and now it's your turn to take care of yourself. Find a place, move and escape this situation before you come home and find a lock on the door, and someone moving into your house.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,104

    Default

    The sooner you realize it is your father's place and money, to do what he wishes, even waste it, the quicker you will be able to disentangle from that mess.

    Life is too short to play those manipulative games, I think.
    You may want to try to start looking past all that and move on now.

    A counselor may help you find your own way and an attorney help you see if there is anything there you may claim as yours.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2005
    Location
    Up and down the west coast!
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    3,886

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MMacallister View Post
    Run. You are riding a toxic merry go round. You feel like your siblings don't do enough, they feel like you are dependent, everyone nit picks at each other. I think at this point in your life, this isn't going to change, it is ingrained in all of you.

    You seem to be a reasonable adult, pack your stuff, sell what you can and go.

    Do not expect anyone in your family to appreciate it though. Find new friends, make new healthier relationships
    Amen. Just get out. You truly do not have a responsibility to hang around while people do everything within their power to make you miserable.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,264

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Appsolute View Post
    From one person with a crazy family to another – you need to distance yourself. I know its hard, it can be incredibly difficult, but as long as you are dependant in any way, as long as you are fully immersed in this dynamic – It will make YOU CRAZY.

    Seriously, until you are independent of them, your relationship with them will be on their terms, not yours. You won’t ever have the upper hand. Once you are able to sever yourself, you can then build a relationship that is on your terms.

    And it’s your Dad’s money to squander as he wishes – been there done that as well (my mom is now supported by the kids after she squandered hers, and I have a hoarder / borderline personality disorder mother in law who has blown through $750,000 in a few years since her husband’s death, she is now looking at a second BK).

    You can’t control them. Remove yourself so that they can not control you (by the way, also went through the promises of inherited houses etc etc, learned it was just a way to manipulate and control – I don’t need their promises of land etc – they can keep it if it means earning my independence, which it has!)
    Read, and reread this post. The only thing I would add is that before you go, you tell your dad that you love him, and if he ever truly needs something, that you will do your best to help, unconditionally. (Your help, may mean contacting the correct social services agency to help him, not necessarily you physically taking over). But don't ever help, just because of a promise to be willed anything. You need to go into it assuming you get nothing, if you truly want to be free.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
    Location
    All 'round Canadia
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    4,562

    Default

    I agree, this is a toxic tangled situation, and if your dad does go into care it'll most likely be too late to deed you the land at that point - it does vary from state to state so you'd have to check locally, but it's seen as hiding assets from the state that has to pay for this case. It usually has to be done a few years before.

    That you're still even bothering to mention a case of diet Cokes from decades past when you've worked for years on your parents' farm just highlights how unhealthy this situation is. There should have been written agreements in place from the very start, you describe yourself as basically a farmhand/farm sitter. Ideally this would not be needed in a family, but it was needed in yours and you have an excellent chance of ending up with nothing.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2004
    Location
    Piedmont Triad, North Carolina
    Posts
    2,179

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post
    I agree, this is a toxic tangled situation, and if your dad does go into care it'll most likely be too late to deed you the land at that point - it does vary from state to state so you'd have to check locally, but it's seen as hiding assets from the state that has to pay for this case. It usually has to be done a few years before.
    From handling my parents affairs, this is likely the case. Consult an "Elderlaw" specialist just in case there may be a way for you to get the land. Fencing your acres may have helped your case. A few hundred dollars is a reasonable risk for expert help.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,337

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    So I'm looking at the very real possibility of losing everything I have. I'll be 60 this December and it's not going to be easy to start over.
    You know the facts. Start NOW while you have control over it and time to think. Do not wait until you are forced out of your house. Do not let yourself be a victim of everyone else's poor choices.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
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    Default

    It is very common that long time caretakers, at the end and when thinking is less than clear for the ones being cared for, that the caretakers are made the scapegoat of all that is perceived to be wrong with getting old and cloudy thinking.
    That sadly is when those now rested and ready for battle, that have not spent years caring for the one in question, if they are greedy, manipulative people, rather than coming in to help, come in to benefit from any possible left overs, once the situation ends.

    I sadly see that regularly in farm families around here.

    Try to consult an attorney, so you have more to go by before you make any decisions.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr. 9, 2012
    Location
    NYC=center of the universe
    Posts
    1,917

    Default Do see a lawyer!

    You really do need to consult with a professional. Maybe there's a lawyer, mediator, or eldercare prfessional who can sit down with you and your father. They may bring your brother and sister into it, as well.

    Do it sooner rather than later.

    In the meantime, develop or maintain your network of contacts in case you need to look for a job.

    Hoping it works out.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,362

    Default

    Just because someone is related to you by blood, even closely, does not obligate you to be their victim/doormat.

    I do not see this ending in anything but more bitterness and rage unless you just cut ties and skedaddle.

    You obviously have farming/livestock experience; perhaps you could find a small farm or ranch that might allow you and your critters to live on the premises (maybe you could even bring your doublewide) in exchange for some chores and responsibilities? Worth looking into - the worst anyone will say is "no, sorry".



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    5,461

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    It is very common that long time caretakers, at the end and when thinking is less than clear for the ones being cared for, that the caretakers are made the scapegoat of all that is perceived to be wrong with getting old and cloudy thinking.
    This is too true. My mother experienced it when she and my dad moved my grandpa in with them. Her two siblings were pretty nasty about it, and he played them for sympathy. Even though mom was the only person caring for him and regularly checking in on her mother (in hospice at the time), paying the bills, etc., she took a lot of abuse. I think what happens is that the child and parent swap roles, and the parent - having been independent at one point - develops resentment (think rebellious teen). It's not a winnable situation for the child doing the caretaking.
    Jer 29: 11-13



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2010
    Location
    Texarkana, AR
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    1,535

    Default

    I know I need to leave, believe me. Right now, I'm not in a position to leave but I am making preparations. My first priority is to find most, if not all of the horses a safe home. That will make it much easier to find a place if need be.

    When my mother was alive, she handled all the family finances, including getting the info to the accountant for the taxes. My dad is really clueless about these things. That is why I was talking to the accountant and his lawyer about getting the info to get the taxes paid. I believe it will be taxed at the capital gains rate. I was just trying to take care of things. I have now decided to just let it be. If he asked me to help with the taxes and legal stuff, I will, otherwise, I no longer really care. Dad refuses to contemplate the fact that at some point in the near future he will not be able to stay at the house by himself or that he may need nursing home care. I have tried to talk with him about it but he point blank refuses. He told me that "family" will take care of him. Yeah, right. I work full time, not to mention I just don't have the temperment to take care of an elderly person. I don't mind doing stuff like cooking or laundry or taking him into the doctor but I'm not going to bathe, change diapers, feed, etc. My sister lives 80 miles away and I don't see her husband wanting to take Dad in and my brother can't even take care of himself. I have tried to talk to my siblings about going together to talk to Dad about this but they don't seem to want to face reality either. Their attitude is it's his money, let him spend it and enjoy himself. So I have decided that when he needs a care giver but can't afford one, they can deal with it. When he has to go into long term care and the state seizes the remaining property for Medicaid, so be it. I'll have found another place to live or maybe I can buy my little piece from the state. I have also thought aobut just trying to buy my little piece from my dad.

    FWIW, I am an attorney for the state and one of my job duties is Adult Protective Services. So, while I'm not an expert, I do know a little about elder law. I know my dad is depressed about losing my mother and probably needs medication but if I called his doctor and tried to get him on meds, he either wouldn't go or wouldn't take them. I can't get him to take his regular meds now. But his mind is generally good and he doesn't meet the legal defination of incompetent.

    I don't expect love, approval or respect from my siblings. I just wish they would leave me alone. I try my best to avoid contact with my sister. I tried to get along with my brother. When he was living with my dad, I cooked for both of them, did his laundry along with my dad's and tried to make a home for both of them. But when he is in one of his bi-polar highs, he starts to get mean and nasty. When he started getting nasty, I tried to avoid contact with him as much as possible. It's like walking on egg shells. I couldn't stay away all together because my dad has animals that need care plus my dad needs care. I don't know why my siblings have such a bug up their butts about the horses, I buy all the feed and do all the care. We do have too many but I've been doing my best to change that. I don't know why they can't just leave it alone. I don't go interfering in their lives.

    Meanwhile, I buy a lottery ticked a week and fantasize about winning and getting the heck out of here. I get on the internet and look at property. I've found a lovely place in north Arkansas with a 100 year old Victorian home, a gorgeous creek and waterfall and an inground pool for $1mill, a couple of really nice places in Vermont and a couple of places in Maine that looked nice. It's a fantasy but it's cheaper than a shrink.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,192

    Default

    I wish I could do something to help you. It sucks that the person who gives the most never seems to be appreciated, and everyone else seems to criticize everything they do. I think you are on the right path, but you really do need to look around for other places to live. There could very well be someone who has a farm and needs someone to live there and watch the place, in return for you keeping your animals there. Or maybe a caretakers cottage that's vacant, and you could rent for a reasonable amount and keep your animals too.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



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