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  1. #1
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    Default How are people capable of ignoring others for days? Update Post #23

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    Last edited by GreySwan; Oct. 6, 2014 at 03:17 PM. Reason: Update



  2. #2
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    Well, six months isn't necessarily what I'd call a seriously committed thing and even you said it's a "relationship". So if your relationship is in that weird, undefined grey zone of more than friends but not dating exclusively, he may not feel like he owes you any sort of explaination.

    And think about it this way - at least he's showing you that he has the communication ability of a gnat early on so you can move on and find someone who is going to at least have the common decency to tell you to jump off a bridge. The silent treatment is passive aggressive and immature. I would have little patience for it to occur in one of my relationships. But that's just me.

    I'd start going out yourself having a good time and show him that you aren't thinking of him, his being a douche bag isn't the end of your world and he might come around or he might not. Either way - you getting upset and constantly texting/e-mailing/calling is NOT HELPING. He is either getting sick satisfaction that he has you all upset or you are driving him further away.


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  3. #3
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    It is often a control mechanism. People who do that have often learned that it is a way to get what they want (see your comment about preferring even very negative "eff off" comments to being ignored.)

    It's also a damaging way to deal with contention in a relationship. There is a saying to the effect of, "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time," and I'd say it applies here.

    We teach people how to treat us, after all, by what we tolerate. I think you are wise to re-think everything based on this behavior. Life is too short to put up with that sort of thing.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucassb View Post
    It is often a control mechanism. People who do that have often learned that it is a way to get what they want (see your comment about preferring even very negative "eff off" comments to being ignored.)

    It's also a damaging way to deal with contention in a relationship.
    According to a couple books I've read, "the silent treatment" which in effect at least temporarily repudiates the very existence of the other party, is as flagrant an example of emotional abuse as rages and intimidation.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”


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  5. #5
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    Take it as an early warning.


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  6. #6
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    In personal relationships, most generally we love for the sake of being loved. What really is occurring is that we are believing ourselves to be alone if we are not with someone, no matter the situation. Most personal relationships really are not arising from within our hearts but rather our minds. When one finds
    themselves in a true deep rooted love affair from the heart is ‘Sympathetic Unconditional Love’ in its purist form. It is electrifying, it makes one’s heart sing all the time, it makes one be in joyous revelry all the time.
    One should know that they are born with ‘Sympathetic Unconditional Love’ and they can ‘feel’ it once again. The secret to ‘feeling’ ‘Sympathetic Unconditional Love’ is to have that feeling for yourself.


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  7. #7
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    Agree with the other responders. This is a pretty clear warning. Ignoring and the "silent treatment" is a very passive aggressive move and tantamount to emotional abuse. It's extremely manipulative. It's on my short list of "deal breakers" in a relationship.


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  8. #8
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    My last relationship ended after two breaks that included the silent treatment from him. Even my birthday he ignored. Can I just say that I. HATE. the silent treatment. Especially because I am the type of person that would rather talk it out and move on. I agree, it is very taxing on the person on the receiving end emotionally, I cried all the time. Eventually you just get to where you realize as much as it hurts to lose that person, you are better without them. I agree with the people that said it's a warning and think you should consider getting out now, especially since it's only been 6 months...when I reflect back on my relationship I realize that the breaks and silent treatment - all initiated by him - were just part of a larger problem. Everything we did was on his terms and what he wanted to do. Never what I wanted to do. Who wants to live like that?

    Good luck to you.
    *Wendy* 4.17.73 - 12.20.05


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  9. #9
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    My father did this. Nothing ever got resolved because he refused to discuss things and wouldn't speak for days. Stuff would just stew until it exploded - sometimes years later. Not a great coping mechanism.

    ETA: oh yeah, he could be quite the "toddler" when it suited him.
    You are what you dare.


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  10. #10
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    Lets just say that's new levels of dumb and is inappropriate for anyone over the age of 11.

    I'd look at it as a nice opportunity to move on.
    ---
    They're small hearts.


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  11. #11
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    Yep - take it as a warning! Doesn't sound like he has the relationship / communication skills that I would want in a relationship!

    Stuff like this won't go away, and it will get worse, especially if a "silly" fight brought it on.

    (Edited to add ….and some thrive on conflict, some totally avoid it, and some manage to keep conflict to a minimum. I am not a fighter, and either is my SO of 11 years. I can count the number of times we have raised our voices at one another on my fingers, and the "silent treatment" has only lasted for minuets not days - that said, there are people who stay together, and are happy despite disagreements – that result in loud arguments, or silence – It is not for me though).
    Last edited by Appsolute; Oct. 31, 2012 at 12:42 PM.
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  12. #12
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    To each his own I guess...

    My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years and have a healthy, stable marriage. When he gets really pissed off, he will do the "silent treatment" thing, but he is still civil and will speak when spoken to. And about all I will say to him anyway is "do I expect you for dinner?" or "did you feed the cats?"

    After three or four days, he will ask to talk to me and we will work out our little conflict. Quite frankly, after all these years, I have come to appreciate the silent treatment. Trying to end it while his thoughts are only half baked does not work out smoothly. At.All. Waiting until he has calmed down and realised he's been an ass suits me juuuuust fine.
    Why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?
    ~ Dave Barry


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  13. #13
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    He is showing you how he deals with conflict, and it's not in a healthy or constructive manner. Be happy you found out early in the relationship.

    Now that said, if all of these communication attempts have been on a cell phone and not land line or email, well, his phone might just have a dead battery. BTDT more than a few times.


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  14. #14
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    So you're dating my mother? It sounds like her, and the silent treatment was her big 'weapon'. The only problem is she's such a PITA, that the silent treatment is much nicer than her constant criticism, or pointless anger.

    As others said, it's a sign of his communication and control skills, and if you can't live with this every time he gets mad, then dump him now before you get committed. Just think of a lifetime of this behavior, and how awful that will be. I couldn't stand this form of 'punishment', and usually for something that didn't even make any sense, so we have zero relationship now. It's exactly as others said, in that it's emotional abuse, and an attempt to control, and it's a miserable way to live.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


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  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adamantane View Post
    According to a couple books I've read, "the silent treatment" which in effect at least temporarily repudiates the very existence of the other party, is as flagrant an example of emotional abuse as rages and intimidation.

    THIS. Run, do not walk, to the next guy.
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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    To each his own I guess...

    My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years and have a healthy, stable marriage. When he gets really pissed off, he will do the "silent treatment" thing, but he is still civil and will speak when spoken to. And about all I will say to him anyway is "do I expect you for dinner?" or "did you feed the cats?"

    After three or four days, he will ask to talk to me and we will work out our little conflict. Quite frankly, after all these years, I have come to appreciate the silent treatment. Trying to end it while his thoughts are only half baked does not work out smoothly. At.All. Waiting until he has calmed down and realised he's been an ass suits me juuuuust fine.
    I have to say I am guilty of imposing the silent treatment. Mostly because it is a coping mechanism for me. Not having been taught very well how to deal with conflict and MY OWN anger, it is sometimes better for me to retreat and think about things than fly off the handle when I know I am at risk of saying something hurtful or very counter-productive. Since I truly believe you can't take anything back that you say, I would rather stew on it and mull it over for a few days before saying what I have to say.

    I understand how people call it passive-aggressive, but there is another side to the silent-treatment story.
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran


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  17. #17
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    Men can be really good at this. I have a close guy friend that I somehow offended and he dropped off the face of the Earth (to me) for three YEARS over it! Lately he did for about a month again until I got flat out irritated and talked to his GF about it. Some do it on purpose, and like someone mentioned earlier, I brought up the, "At least tell me to eff off or something." and he admits he specifically doesn't because he knows it's more irritating. I couldn't date someone with such proclivities, I'd be having a serious talk with him or tell him to get to gettin'.
    Quarry Rat



  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pocket Pony View Post
    I have to say I am guilty of imposing the silent treatment. Mostly because it is a coping mechanism for me. Not having been taught very well how to deal with conflict and MY OWN anger, it is sometimes better for me to retreat and think about things than fly off the handle when I know I am at risk of saying something hurtful or very counter-productive. Since I truly believe you can't take anything back that you say, I would rather stew on it and mull it over for a few days before saying what I have to say.

    I understand how people call it passive-aggressive, but there is another side to the silent-treatment story.
    Oh, I get it. My husband is like that and quite open about it. He cannot think on his feet in the heat of the moment very well and needs time to come to grips with his feelings before he can express them in a responsible manner (i.e., not saying something he'll regret). He also needs to go away and think about an issue for a bit. What he does, which is far different from the "silent treatment" is to say "Look, I cannot discuss this issue right now, I need time to think and cool down. I'm tabling it and we'll talk about it tomorrow. OK?". And, we can continue to talk about OTHER things in the meantime. I don't have any problem with that approach, it's pretty self-aware. It can be frustrating to not be able to resolve a conflict RIGHT NOW, but I appreciate his need to think things over and his desire to not say something that will hurt me in the heat of the moment.

    If he stomped off and refused to speak to me about ANYTHING, that would be a dealbreaker for me.


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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucassb View Post
    It is often a control mechanism. People who do that have often learned that it is a way to get what they want (see your comment about preferring even very negative "eff off" comments to being ignored.)

    It's also a damaging way to deal with contention in a relationship. There is a saying to the effect of, "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time," and I'd say it applies here.

    We teach people how to treat us, after all, by what we tolerate. I think you are wise to re-think everything based on this behavior. Life is too short to put up with that sort of thing.
    I also think you are very wise to rethink things. If the fight was about something stupid and this is how he reacts, just think if you have to deal with a really big issue. Issues come up in relationships, big and small. He obviously does not know how to properly deal with issues. Ignoring someone and, thus probably off pouting and sniveling to their buddies, is a significant manipulative and control measure. It's a sign that this fellow has very poor communication and conflict resolution skills.

    If you think he's worth the work, you and he should be getting some counseling so that you both learn how to argue fairly while preserving each others' dignities, and how to resolve conflict without all this pouting and ignoring nonsense. If there are other parts of your relationship are iffy already and then you might consider this is the end of it.

    Arguments are part of life. The real concern is do you both know how to fight fair and square without abusing each other, name calling, and blasting each other's dignity? Argue yes and it's okay to argue at times on points you have strong feelings about and every person has different point of view, but when you do argue, do it the right way.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    Oh, I get it. My husband is like that and quite open about it. He cannot think on his feet in the heat of the moment very well and needs time to come to grips with his feelings before he can express them in a responsible manner (i.e., not saying something he'll regret). He also needs to go away and think about an issue for a bit. What he does, which is far different from the "silent treatment" is to say "Look, I cannot discuss this issue right now, I need time to think and cool down. I'm tabling it and we'll talk about it tomorrow. OK?". And, we can continue to talk about OTHER things in the meantime. I don't have any problem with that approach, it's pretty self-aware. It can be frustrating to not be able to resolve a conflict RIGHT NOW, but I appreciate his need to think things over and his desire to not say something that will hurt me in the heat of the moment.

    If he stomped off and refused to speak to me about ANYTHING, that would be a dealbreaker for me.
    I guess I should go further to say that I don't ignore my husband for days - he wouldn't let me get away with that! He's had a lot more therapy than me so like it or not, we do end up working things through in a timely manner. I just need to go away and be by myself for a while, which usually means out to the barn to clean stalls or sweep the aisle or do some de-cob-webbing.

    My mother was one for the silent treatment, so I guess that's where I learned it!!
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran



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