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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2010
    Posts
    30

    Default Living 2gether when relationship over

    Hi Guys,

    Im having a bit of a hard time right now with things, and not sure how to handle the situation. I was in a 3 year relationship that was very up and down. We bought a house 3 months ago, probably thinking each of us would actually work on what we knew needed work and things would be better. That didnt happen, and we became more roommates then anything (we did live together for 2 years before buying the house, and were sort of just roommates then)

    This past week, boyfriend says he has completely checked out of the relationship and no longer wants to continue it. I do not feel the same, but whatever.

    Now the hard part. The house... it will cost us money to break the mortgage. Not enough to ruin our lives, but its enough money we each could have bought new cars.

    His solution... we continue to live together as 'roommates' and move on and find other people and then eventually if we find significant others, one of us will by the other out.

    Money aside and complications with all of that, my sanity and mental well being is what is number 1 on my list.

    How the heck am I suppose to live in the same house as him, knowing its over. Wondering why he is late, is he with someone else, watching him move on, etc. It will drive me batty. Ive already expressed this to him, and it goes over his head. He does not see it as any different then how our relationship has been for the last while, but he has checked out. I havent. When I mention selling the house and dealing with the losses he gets very upset and defensive saying I dont care about him, or care what happens (his credit is not the best - but he does have a good job, fears he will have to live in his car - again -... sister kicked him out of her house before we were together, and he was homeless for a bit).

    I am sorry this is long, I just have so many emotions inside, im not sure how to deal with this situation at all.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,201

    Default

    Cut your losses and move on. It will affect you for a long time, but there's no sense in sticking it out if things are truly dead.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2007
    Location
    Charleston, SC
    Posts
    2,171

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Weenie19 View Post
    Hi Guys,
    How the heck am I suppose to live in the same house as him, knowing its over. Wondering why he is late, is he with someone else, watching him move on, etc. It will drive me batty. Ive already expressed this to him, and it goes over his head. He does not see it as any different then how our relationship has been for the last while, but he has checked out. I havent. When I mention selling the house and dealing with the losses he gets very upset and defensive saying I dont care about him, or care what happens (his credit is not the best - but he does have a good job, fears he will have to live in his car - again -... sister kicked him out of her house before we were together, and he was homeless for a bit).
    Right here...what he said is that he is trying to maniupulate you with that statement. Sell the house for what you can and walk away. It is not your fault that he has bad credit. Why did his sister kick him out?

    Peronally..I wouldn't want to live with someone that I was involved with. There can be a lot of negativity.
    OTTB - Hurricane Denton - Kane AKA Bubble boy
    Boxer - Tugger's - outlasted my marriage



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr. 20, 2004
    Posts
    1,173

    Default

    Been there, done that. Sell the house and move on. Living together after the relationship is over is stressful and prevents healing.

    Good luck.
    \"You have two choices when a defining moment comes along - you can either define the moment, or let the moment define you.\" Tin Cup



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2007
    Location
    NW Louisiana
    Posts
    5,209

    Default

    What he's proposing isn't going to work out so well for you, if you're not ready for it to be over. If he's so hard-up, are you paying all the bills? Why can't he get a small apt after you've sold the house?



  6. #6
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2011
    Location
    Just south of the Arctic Circle...seriously
    Posts
    334

    Default

    I agree with the other two posters. I split with my ex a few months after we bought a house, I agreed to let him keep the house in exchange for all the furniture I wanted (plus my horse). He offered to let me stay there and pay rent, I declined because

    1) I wanted to be done with our relationship and as long as I was living there, it wouldn't be done
    2) can't date other people/bring them home
    3) he just wants your money

    I say eff it. Sell the house or make him buy you out.
    “Thoroughbreds are the best. They’re lighter, quicker, and more intelligent.” -George Morris


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 19, 2009
    Posts
    4,745

    Default

    yea, I wouldn't do it either. I would tell him he either needs to buy you out or you guys need to sell.

    Don't know how it would work legally though if he really digs his heels in, since you are both 50/50 owners. I mean you could always just stop paying your part of the mortgage and leave, and make him deal with it (and take the ding on your credit) if you're really desperate to get out of the situation. Hopefully though it doesn't come to that.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    Get out of the freaking house. File a quit claim and get the hell out if you can. You cannot move on if you're not good with it and he wants to do this.

    It's not healthy for you. You're NOT going to be okay living like that. Some people might. You won't. You know that. You need out. Get out.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2006
    Posts
    2,896

    Default

    He decided it was over, so therefore screw him..Sell the house and move on, he sounds from your post that he is a manipulative you know what. His finances are not your concern, your mental health and financial well being are.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2010
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by AppendixQHLover View Post
    Right here...what he said is that he is trying to maniupulate you with that statement. Sell the house for what you can and walk away. It is not your fault that he has bad credit. Why did his sister kick him out?

    Peronally..I wouldn't want to live with someone that I was involved with. There can be a lot of negativity.
    I'm not 100 percent sure on the sister thing, but think its because her marriage fell apart during the same time he was staying there, and she blamed him.

    I just feel bad. 3 year relationship, still have feelings, this will (atleast I think) be a lot harder on him money and living situation wise, and not having any family support. Plus we have dog together, which would probably stay with me, so that's something else gone. For me, its just dealing with moving on, dealing with the money side that follows.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2010
    Posts
    30

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Wholehearted View Post

    I say eff it. Sell the house or make him buy you out.
    We would like to try that and we will, we just don't see it as an option that will work. I'm ok with loosing my part of the downpayment, and what I've put into the mortgage. What I want him to do if he keeps the house is pay my parents back the money that they gave us towards the house as a gift. (Now I know we signed stuff saying it was to be non repayable) so I guess ill have to ask for my part of the down payment back and give that to my parents. I don't care if I get screwed over in the end, but my parents shouldn't.

    But where is that money coming from? Do I take my name off the house and hope he still pays? Do I keep my name on the house as a way to make sure I get my money? But what if he doesn't pay the mortgage? Then I'm screwed.

    But I really don't think any of this will be an option as we both doubt the bank will let him have the house himself.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
    Posts
    3,765

    Default

    tell him to get a new roommate and get the hell out of dodge! He is a bit one sided with that statement of you not caring about him, YOU dont have to care about him anymore. HE made that decision when he checked out of the relationship.


    Hugs to you though, it sucks.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    6,804

    Default

    If I learned anything from my divorce it was: "Times a wastin'"

    Just pull that band-aid off fast and get it over with. Otherwise, next year you will be sitting in the same mess and realizing "had I started back then, it would all be behind me now"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,804

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Weenie19 View Post
    But where is that money coming from? Do I take my name off the house and hope he still pays? Do I keep my name on the house as a way to make sure I get my money? But what if he doesn't pay the mortgage? Then I'm screwed.
    Consult a lawyer. Back when I split, in Pennsylvania, the person left living in the house was responsible for the mortgage. Marriage/No Marriage might change that. You need to know your rights.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
    Posts
    316

    Default

    He's being quite self-centered here isn't he? He wants all the comforts and security of having you and your $$$$, without having a relationship. Ummm nah! Stuff that.

    See a lawyer pronto. Stop discussing your financial future with him, it's none of his business any longer.

    I'm cynical enough to wonder how long he's had this idea going on? And can't help wondering if you will look back and realize this is only one area of many in which he has been manipulative and self-centered.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2005
    Location
    In my own little world
    Posts
    452

    Default

    Consult a lawyer to find out your legal rights as far as getting your name off the mortgage and protecting your credit. I know with my husband, we filed a quit claim deed to get the ex-wife's name off the title of the house which was part of the divorce settlement but her name is still on the mortgage because we didn't have the cash to refinance it and we plan on selling it soon. He was always carrying the full mortgage payment though as she was a full time student when they were married, so it wasn't a burden for him to maintain the house after the divorce, which it may be for your ex. So CYA and talk to someone who knows what your legal rights are, you may be considered a common-law spouse depending on your state laws since you have lived together for several years already...
    Freedom is the ability not to care what the other person thinks...

    Got air?! Member of the Asthmatic Riders Clique



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2011
    Location
    East Longmeadow, MA
    Posts
    3,375

    Default

    Third the idea of calling a good real estate lawyer. It is highly unlikely that the bank will let you off the mortgage. You guys need to sell the house. Don't know if you can force him to do so if he doesn't want to.

    Call your local Bar Association and ask them to recommend a good real estate lawyer.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    719

    Default

    Gosh, he sure know what buttons to push for your sympathy, doesn't he?

    Look, he ended it. As hard as it is, you need to be concerned and focused on yourself.
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2012
    Location
    Columbus, OH
    Posts
    279

    Default

    Agreed with getting a lawyer on the legalities of removing yourself from the mortgage.

    In the meantime, dip. Find a place to stay, an apartment, whatever your heart desires. Encourage him to get a roommate to keep up with expenses, and make it abundantly clear that he has chosen to break ties, and you will uphold your part of the tie breaking- completely and utterly. If he just wants to keep you around to pay the bills, well then, there are plenty of people looking for a place to stay who can pay bills- it doesn't just have to be you.

    Once you're out, it will be soooo much easier to deal with all the nastiness and emotional crap that this sort of thing brings. I speak from experience.

    I'm really sorry you're going through this. Relationships can really suck sometimes. I'm wishing you all the fun times, smiling days, good pony days, chocolate-and-wine... whatever it takes to help you move through this.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2002
    Posts
    1,214

    Default

    If he's the deadbeat, why don't you buy him out? He gets a little cash to get himself started, you don't lose your downpayment and gift from your parents. Get a roommate if you can't swing the mortgage on your own.
    \"Non-violence never solved anything.\" C. Montgomery Burns



    1 members found this post helpful.

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