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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2002
    Location
    Georgia
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    6,160

    Unhappy First holiday season as a widow...

    And I'm not quite sure what to do. I can't see getting out all the ornaments - most if which were his from childhood. I know my kids will keep me busy, and they do, but this holiday season, remember all those who are hurting, like Tamara, and me, and so many others. Our daughter will celebrate her 2nd birthday on 12/31/12, and her first without her Daddy. Anyway, thanks for listening.

    Kat



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,331

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    Kat-

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can only hope that you'll continue making great memories with your kids even with such a gaping hole in your heart and in your life. YOU are enough to make it great. Put out the decorations if you feel like it and if you don't? Don't. Maybe next year . Your 2YO isn't going to remember. Make this year for you.

    So many hugs for you. ((hugs))
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2001
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,294

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    I am so sorry that you are already dreading the season! I still think you should get out the ornaments and decorate. Think of all the wonderful holidays in the past when you could share those little treasures with your husband. It just might help put a smile one your face. I bet there are some nice memories in those boxes.

    Get a small tree and decorate it just for you to enjoy. Just because you are alone doesn't mean that you don't deserve a little Christmas too.

    Maybe you should try to do a little community service this season and share the holidays with others that are also giving back and those who need a helping hand. You may just make some new friends and ease some of the holiday blues you may be feeling.

    We're always here for you if you need a kind word.
    Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2005
    Location
    Spotsylvania, VA
    Posts
    12,702

    Default I'm sorry

    Holidays are the worst especially the first year. My dad died Dec 30 a lot of years ago. It's not easy but doing something different helped. If you always have turkey have ham. And have do some of the same things also and say to each other "Dad would have loved this" and cry...and smile
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 7, 2006
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    on and off the bit
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    I am so sorry, Kat.

    Jingles and prayers for your holidays.

    It's not the same thing, quite, but the first Christmas after my mother died (she died one February), I did not put out any decorations at all. I did buy a real (had to be a live one, she hated artificial ones but after she and my father moved to a new house they stopped buying trees; I did buy one for what turned out to be her last Christmas); anyway, the first Christmas after she died I finally decorated the tree late Christmas Day. I had put it up in the living room where the lights could be seen from the street, then never put the lights or anything else on it 'til late that afternoon. Just could not bring myself to do it.

    It is hard when so many holiday traditions have been traditions about family, or other loved ones, and then they seem so different when the loved ones aren't there.

    I'm with BuddyRoo--make this year for you. You will be surprised at the little "you" "presents" that will appear at the most unexpected times, in the most unexpected places. It's about "healing the broken-hearted."

    Peace.
    Founder of the People Who Prefer COTH Over FB Clique
    People Who Hate to Rush to Kill Wildlife Clique!
    "I Sing Silly Songs to My Animals!" Clique



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2008
    Location
    Western NY
    Posts
    5,830

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    I'm so sorry. We lost my father and father-in-law this year and everyone's dreading the holidays for the same reason. It sucks for my husband and me, but I can't imagine how much tougher it is for the widow in this situation.

    As others suggested, my mother's grief counselor told her to make specific plans for the holiday and to think about doing things a little differently or starting new traditions--maybe in your case, doing something with your children to commemorate your husband. Good luck and lots of sympathy...



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    30,669

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    You will be in my thoughts.
    There are a lot of the sad firsts yet to come.

    I don't know what to tell you besides do what you have to to make it Christmas for the kids.
    But allow yourself to grief over the would have could have should have that won't be.

    This time of year I like to read Family Circle, the cheapo magazine from the grocery store. They have some really nice ideas on how to make something good from the sadness in your heart.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2006
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    2,888

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    First thing..Hugs to you...My mom did not put up any Christmas stuff for lots of years after my Dad died..The kids really really resented it..If you can muster it, and since your children are young, I would urge you to decorate and start to build new Christmas traditions with them. They are only children once and family time around the holidays is important.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2002
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    6,160

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    Thanks. So many COTHers are dealing with grief this year. I know my post sounds terribly whiny and selfish, but I do thank y'all for letting me share. For the most part, I think my two kids and I are doing pretty well. I do get lonely, but I also think I am at least doing better then his parents are. There is a lot that they haven't even dealt with yet, and they still cry every day. Grief is such a different journey for each of us. I was able to move my two ponies right next door to me though, and that has been such a blessing.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    4,450

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    Quote Originally Posted by tradewind View Post
    First thing..Hugs to you...My mom did not put up any Christmas stuff for lots of years after my Dad died..The kids really really resented it..If you can muster it, and since your children are young, I would urge you to decorate and start to build new Christmas traditions with them. They are only children once and family time around the holidays is important.
    Many hugs to you.
    I second doing something, even going through the motions will help. Maybe consider including some family members in a small celebration. How is your relationship with his parents - good I hope, they could be a source of strength. Especially as you share the same lost.

    Again many hugs to you.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug. 15, 2008
    Posts
    4,577

    Default

    Your post SO DOES NOT sound whiney or selfish. Not in the least.

    I am so sorry. You will figure out what works for you and what is best for your family.

    Many hugs to you.
    "Aye God, Woodrow..."



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct. 18, 2008
    Location
    Deschapelles, Haiti
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    ((((((((HHHUUUGGGSSS))))))))
    HAS provides hospital care to 340,000 people in Haiti's Artibonite Valley 24/7/365/earthquake/cholera/whatever.
    www.hashaiti.org blog:http://hashaiti.org/blog



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    My heavens! You don't sound whiny or selfish at all! Woman, you put that out of your mind! RIGHT NOW!

    You do what you need to do for you this year.

    Your kids are too little to remember. Just do it for YOU.

    And find ways to cherish your husband in the long term that the kids can participate in even if/when you find another amazing man who wants to be in your life. I think you'll find that.

    I don't believe that there's only ONE out there. There are many in my humble opinion. You are going to find someone someday who loves you and loves your kids. Just as I love my husband and HIS kids.

    There ARE people out there who are happy to love those we get in life and want to cherish.

    We can love you and your kids more than enough.

    ((hugs))
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov. 5, 2002
    Location
    way out west
    Posts
    3,080

    Default

    The first Christmas after my husband died I didn't decorate at all, and took my kids to California to spend the holiday with my parents. It was such a different Christmas, without any of my family's traditions, that it was easier to navigate since it was all so unfamiliar.

    It helped that the weather was so hot..it just didn't feel like Christmas and that made it bearable.

    The year of "firsts" was the hardest for me. You know, first Valentine's Day, first Father's Day, first wedding anniversary. But you can get through it, and will eventually even enjoy the holidays again. Just know that they'll be very different, and that's okay.

    My best to you. From one who's been there. It's been 12 years now, and I love the holidays. Don't know exactly when that feeling returned, but it did.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 17, 2005
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    295

    Default

    I'm sorry

    I know when a close friend went through this that she was not in the mood either, just did it because it was expected. Her kids were a teeny bit older, but afterwards she was glad that she had them and their traditions to focus on. There's no right or wrong way, do what you feel is best for you.

    Hugs
    Only dead fish go with the flow.

    http://tommybluefoot.blogspot.com/



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
    Location
    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
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    3,723

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    Hugs to you! You know that everybody on here is going to be here for you. I have no idea what you must be feeling, but I think that if it feels right, do it. Maybe it is time to make some new traditions, maybe it is time to cling to the old. Your little ones won't notice if you don't have a huge tree with all the decorations. A small one, or heck, even a cedar tree in a bucket of dirt will be fine. My grandmother passed away Dec 7th the year my dad had left on Thanksgiving. Obviously mom didn't want to do anything. We went out in the field, cut a cedar, put the colored lights we hadn't used in years on it, and only the special ornaments.
    You have been finding your way all summer and fall, and doing fine at it. I'm sure that your first Christmas will be different, but you will find a way to make it through.
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2002
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    6,160

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    Thanks again. My son - from my first marriage - is 10. He is such a strong amazing boy. He loved his stepdad so much, but is already trying to set me up - even though he wants me to marry Chipper Jones...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Apr. 11, 2006
    Location
    Southern Ontario
    Posts
    1,073

    Default

    what a sweet boy
    No advice, just hugs for you and your kids....



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    Thanks again. My son - from my first marriage - is 10. He is such a strong amazing boy. He loved his stepdad so much, but is already trying to set me up - even though he wants me to marry Chipper Jones...
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    good kid!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
    Posts
    2,133

    Default

    Freebird! I am dealing with the same (lost my DH in July), but at least my daughter is older (19), although she is away at college - which is a whole different dynamic. We have talked about what we want to do - and we are going to keep it very simple. No outside decorations and not much inside - a tree and maybe a few very favorite things. I am just not up to all the fuss - esp when it will just be the two of us. One thing we will do, which is a family tradition, is go to a favorite downtown restaurant on Christmas Eve. That I know he would want us to do and enjoy. Hugs to you.
    "I am still under the impression that there is nothing alive quite so beautiful as a thoroughbred horse." -- John Galsworthy



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