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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2012
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    285

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    Quote Originally Posted by FineAlready View Post
    You know, I don't really like most kids. Some are okay, but mostly, I don't want them around. I especially don't want them around the barn.

    I don't want kids partly because I don't really like them all that much, and I feel like if you are going to have kids you better REALLY want them. I am also completely horrified by the possibility of having a special needs child or a child that becomes injured or disabled in some way. I just don't think I could cope with it, and the thought of bringing someone into this world that will need lifetime care that extends beyond MY lifetime terrifies me. I mean, what would happen to them after I am gone? I know there are ways to plan for such eventualities, but...I just don't think I could handle it. One of my good friends has a lovely daughter with a serious seizure disorder that is extremely disabling. She must worry every day about what will happen to her daughter after she and her husband are gone. That is just...too much.
    Yes, this happened to me. It really throws a wrench in the works. My son is part of me and my life now. Some days it's good, some days are bad. It just sucks his dad decided to opt out.



  2. #42
    Join Date
    Aug. 14, 2000
    Location
    Rochester,NY,USA
    Posts
    7,379

    Default Great responses

    I also don't like to be around kids until they get to be maybe 10 and older, and ONLY if they are well mannered. That said there aren't too many kids I run across that fit that description. OK, I'll admit there probably are but since I generally avoid kids, I don't really know. Also, most of my friends either don't have kids or their children are grown up and married and moved away so if they have grandchildren they aren't around all the time.

    I enjoyed the responses and the psych therapy from others mainly about not being loved early on. Well, I was raised by a fairly strict Mother, i.e.,not only no toys in the LR but my brother and I weren't even supposed to go sit in the LR to read a book. There were a lot of other things but I sure know I was loved by her. I was paralyzed as a 3 yr old and spent a long time in the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital (~ 2 hrs from home). Mom left my older brother of 5 with my Dad to take care of him and stayed in Pittsburgh with me. Then for over a yr, she took me to physical therapy daily for treatment and worked with me every evening on the exercises. If she hadn't, I probably would not be able to walk today or have been able to ride. They didn't have theraputic riding in the 40's.

    As far as babysitting when I was younger I did much more than I ever wanted to do. My Dad died when I was 11. Mom didn't know what to do with me so she shipped me off the summer I was 12 to my cousin's in MA when she was having her 4th kid and I was supposed to help with the other 3. Turns out there were about 25 kids in the neighborhood and I had to keep tabs on about all of them. Believe me that was a thumbs down if there ever was one!

    Top that off with an ex-fiance with 3 kids to pay child support and his ex wife had told him the 2nd and 3rd weren't even his. Not sure if they didn't have paternity testing in the 60's but if they did, he never did it. Needless to say he definitely was an ex.....

    After my Mother died, my cousin asked my brother and me to join her family at Christmas. For a few yrs it was OK as her kids were adults and married but no kids. Well, for various reasons I stopped going to X-mas in '05 and haven't gone since. When I last went there was one child, now there are 4 kids, ranging from ages 3-10. I suppose I'm being selfish and cheap in that I really don't want to spend several thousand dollars buying gifts, paying someone to come take care of the horses and dog while I'm gone, flying to where ever the famdamly decides to spend X-mas and dealing with 4 screaming kids and adults that I have nothing in common with at all. Sorry but that money will buy hay and shavings for my horses.

    Back when I was 34 I went to my OB-GYN and said I wanted a tubal ligation. He was horrified and told me I'd probably change my mind. I told him I'd change OB-GYN's if he didn't. Smart man!

    Oh yes, one last thing. I spent one winter teaching riding at a private girls school, grades 9-12. Of the ~ 60 riders we had, all but about 10 of them came either from broken homes, or they had serious problems otherwise. A couple of the 'good' ones used to tease me that if I ever had kids, they'd either be as well-mannered as my horse or total terrors because I'd just ignore them and spend the time with the horses. They were right and I didn't want to bring kids into this world and do that to them.
    Last edited by msj; Nov. 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM. Reason: added last paragraph
    Sue
    Back in my day, we didn't have as many warning labels because people weren't so dang stupid!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Mar. 28, 2002
    Location
    East of Dog River
    Posts
    5,693

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    I don't like kids either, although there are some I must tolerate as they belong to cousins. At least the first cousin and spouse had enough sense, thanks to his mother, not to insist I hold the babies and I hope the one whose wife is gonna 'foal' shortly has the same sense although both should, since they know my aversion to children, especially babies; each and every baby reminds me of a cross between Ghandi and Churchill with that tiny body, huge bald head and fat cheeks.....ICK.

    It hit home........er ankle, again, how much I hate kids in general when one bashed me in the ankle with one of those stupid baby shopping carts and I was also reminded that I hate parents just as much when the idiot mother just smiled indulgently as I hopped on one foot.

    I hate the incessant screaming, the lack of discipline because the parents think misbehaviour is cute, the stench that wafts from most of them and the fact that parents, even those who don't know the person next to them, want acknowledgement that their little heathens are the cutest things to ever walk the face of the earth. I'll stick with my horses and cats, thank you very much.
    Founder of the Dyslexic Clique. Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!!

    Member: Incredible Invisbles



  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jan. 5, 2011
    Posts
    251

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    Quote Originally Posted by pony baloney View Post
    I hate it when people say "You'll change your mind when you have your own". OK, what if I had one and didn't change my mind. Can't return it or put it back.
    I have a friend who is raising her grandchildren since her daughter realized she loved her kids but didn't love being a mom.
    Then there's my stepbrother. He's always dumping the kids off at our parents' house for a weekend so he and his wife can fly to another state for a concert. Doesn't seem to me like he likes being a parent all that much.
    Me? Almost 40, unmarried, no prospects. Doesn't look like I'll be having kids, but I'll live. When I was a kid, I thought I would have kids. Now I think I'm ok either way.



  5. #45
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    4,139

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    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    My mom once said two things that were helpful.

    1) Newsflash: It's really normal to think that all kids suck, and other people's kids suck in comparison to your own.

    2) And more sinister but useful: More often than not, the people who don't like children or children of a certain age were not made to feel welcomed and loved during that phase of their own life. I can say that I don't have kids in part because this was true for me growing up.

    I do think that however we feel about kids "in our gut" the anti-kid stance is going to have to gain some credibility as overpopulation problems increase. You are correct, OP, there should be a financial incentive to not reproduce as that helps everyone.

    But this kind of thinking is very, very hard to change. The idea that upper social classes or even nations should be sure to reproduce themselves as a way to defend or maintain their society goes back to the early 19th century at least. It turns out, we are closet eugenicists, just like Thomas Malthus in 1830s Britain.
    The little tax deduction gee I think it is what $1400.00 per child has NOTHING to do with the costs of actually caring for a child. More financial incentive ? Google the current costs to raise a child, that should put everyone to rest on the "financial incentives" to procreate.



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Oct. 19, 2009
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    781

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    Years ago I hit upon a better response when people asked me about children. See I was making the same mistake that everyone here has made - I used to say "I don't want kids." Now I say "I want to not have kids." Yes it's basically the same thing, but the different phrasing doesn't trigger the automatic "You'll change your mind" etc comments. It's not expressing that I don't want kids, it's a statement that says I have considered it and made a deliberate choice to not have kids. I don't just not want them, I actively want none.

    I do get told that I am good with kids, but I have to be honest here - I'm just polite to the kids. There are some I genuinely like, but in limited doses in specific situations. And I don't do the baby holding thing, ever.

    I am 100% certain that any child I had would be murdered within weeks of birth (by me ) so I'm choosing to not have children.

    And yet I genuinely enjoyed sitting at the barn today being crawled over by six month-old kittens, some of which fell asleep on me. Go figure - it's part of who I am.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2005
    Location
    BC, Canada - PNW
    Posts
    666

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    When somebody gives me the "you'll change your mind", I ask them how they'd feel if when annoucing their pregnancy or desire to have children, if somebody said "You'll change your mind". Then they seem to get how RUDE it is to say!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Aug. 27, 2008
    Posts
    390

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    I don't hate kids and think they can be fun in small doses but I know as a whole it isnt for me. I truly do think they are a blessing and should be treated with nothing but kindness. I try and respect everyones choices but I seem to always get the comment that I'm selfish for not wanting kids. That actually bothers me. I know it shouldn't because it's stupid but it really does. How inappropriate to call someone selfish.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2004
    Posts
    2,355

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    I do not like small children.. nope cant stand them. The perfect child would be born walking, talking, housebroken, and going to school. That said I have two children..
    I didnt take advantage of friends to care for my kids jst because Iwanted to go ot with dh, or my family for that matter. Of couse it helped that it helped that being a military family we were not near any family. I think I had a sitter for ds once or twice while they were growing up because I had a drs apt that I would rather they not go to...
    DH and I figured that we had our childern so it was our responsbility to raise them not our friends or our family. So until we could leave them at home with out supervison it was a long time befor dh and I went on a date..
    Friend of bar .ka



  10. #50
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2000
    Location
    CT
    Posts
    2,383

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    Well at least I think the olders of us here (like me!) will likely agree that it has gotten easier for the "childless by choice" people.
    I like kids (good thing - I'm a teacher!) but never felt a strong urge to have my own. Didnt know that I absolutely didnt want them, but I really rebelled against all the relatives and strangers who told me that I must.
    I recall one family acquantance being told by my proud parents that their 7 year old daughter was very smart and would likely go to college. Woman replied, "Kind of a waste for a girl when she'll just stay at home and have babies. Well, I suppose she can teach her sons!" My parents were stunned and I still recall that moment. Mostly the assumption in general was just there without being so blatant. Fortunately, my parents were always supportive of my choices.
    As a teacher, I see far too many kids whose "parents" are not really invested in parenting. It can be so damaging to the children that I would urge anybody who does not want to invest the time and emotion into parenting - please dont have children because you should, or because somebody else wants you to, or to save a marriage, or to have somebody to care for you in old age.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2009
    Location
    College View
    Posts
    1,246

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    Quote Originally Posted by MaybeMorgan View Post
    You're kidding, right? Every.single.off topic day there is at least 1 thread about I don't like kids/don't want any/find them annoying etc.

    I get it already.
    Yes, every.single.off.topic.day. Absolutely



  12. #52
    Join Date
    Aug. 24, 2009
    Posts
    287

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauruffian View Post
    I teach kids that aren't wanted or liked by their parents every day, every year. It infuriates me while simultaneously breaking my heart.
    You are so right about this. I have worked with kids (summer camps, sports programs, 4-H) since I was old enough to work, and have seen it all - kids being dropped at camp after camp, kids who don't get picked up on time (for like.... 24 extra hours), kids who cry about leaving camp and beg to stay rather than going home.... and while working in child/family advocacy, I saw even more overt and nasty stuff. The way some people treat children is truly horrifying... so it definitely made me think that unless I wanted kids 110%, then I was NOT having them. Honestly I wish more people went through that thought process.

    In addition to these threads on CoTH (seriously, one of the ONLY places where this viewpoint is respected!) I am blessed with a fabulous barn owner/trainer who is also childfree. We are the same age. When the topic of not having kids arises, we both look at each other and go, "But what if I had a kid.... and they didn't want to RIDE?!?!" Identical looks of horror ensue. If that ever changes, I'll think about adopting.



  13. #53
    Join Date
    Jan. 24, 2007
    Location
    small town, Ohio
    Posts
    613

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    [QUOTE=wendy;6635633]I think MOST people would prefer to not be around kids much and don't particularly like them.... We have to use severe social pressure to convince people to have children... Children are a major burden for most parents, but they are pressured by society to pretend it's all fun and joy. [QUOTE]

    THIS is the most offensive bullshit I've ever read.

    I completely respect anyone's decision to NOT have children. If you don't want them I would really prefer that you not have them. I would never think less of anyone because of it.

    I have horse friends without kids. We talk about horses. We don't talk about kids because I assume you don't want to hear about my kid. I have dog friends without kids. We talk about dogs. I don't bring up my son because I assume you don't care. That's not what we have in common. And that's FINE.

    But I have mom friends and I've NEVER EVER met a mom who considered her child a BURDEN. Usually we consider them the greatest loves of our life and any sacrifices we make for them are done without a second thought. No one "socially pressured" us to have them. A lot of our mom conversations are about how exhausted and frustrated we are, but we never consider our child a BURDEN.

    And if you, as a childless person, don't hear about the bad stuff it's not because we're pretending it's all sunshine and rainbows. It's because we're respectful enough of your choice to not make you listen to it.
    Rhythm the perfect OTTB;Spock the will-be perfect OTTB;Mia the Arab/appendix COTH giveaway


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,460

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    Gah, my end of the street in our little neighborhood has recently been infested with some of the worst-mannered children I've encountered lately. Yesterday I was returning from the store and 4-5 of them were sitting on the curb throwing stuff down the storm drain. They'd laid their bikes and scooters down IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET to engage in this apparently highly entertaining activity.

    I waited for them to notice I was there and move their bikes. They stared, made no move. I finally rolled my window down and said (not in a mean way) "Hey, you guys are going to have to move those." No apology, not even, "oh, okay." The oldest girl glared at me.

    Later I go to walk the dogs and one of the little brats throws a football AT my shepherd, clearly intending to hit him. Another one, about 6, is following right on my heels on his bike, circling us and generally impeding progress. I finally asked what he was doing, and his answer was, "I just like following people."

    I replied, "Well, the police call that 'stalking' and you can go to jail for it." He quit. Yeah, it was mean, but by then I'd had it and besides, I have no idea how to relate to children of that age.

    Last night I asked my husband if we could find a pest control person to come spray for children.



  15. #55
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2002
    Location
    Cow County, MD
    Posts
    6,958

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    Quote Originally Posted by IveGotRhythm View Post
    But I have mom friends and I've NEVER EVER met a mom who considered her child a BURDEN.
    Um. I definitely have had friends with children confide in me that they really don't particularly like their children. This is usually in the midst of a fairly deep discussion, and they clearly feel guilty about it.

    I am lucky. On our third date, my now DH sat me down and said, "Look, I really like you, but I've already had my kids, and I need to know whether you want kids of your own." I responded honestly that I never particularly wanted children, but kind of assumed they would come with the package of getting married. We've been married 15 years, and I have never heard any biological clock ticking.

    When people ask me if I have children, I simply say no. That's usually enough to keep people from prying into the "why," but if they do go further, I say abruptly, "I've had a hysterectomy" (also true, but not the reason for not having them). That tends to stop them in their tracks. I knew a woman who used to say "Oh, I can't bear children." Most people assumed that meant "I can't carry and give birth," but it really meant "I can't stand the little buggers."

    As for the theory that the people who don't want children are that way because they missed something in their own childhood, I must be an outlier. I was clearly adored, but knew from a young age that I didn't want them. Even when I was a young child, playing "house" or with dolls was anathema to me (give me the Breyer's any day). Yet my brother and his wife have two terrific kids that I really like to be around--they are smart and quick-witted, have a great work ethic, and are just fun to be with. That said, the older they get (they are now 15 and 12), the more I like them. In fact, I'm really hoping one of them goes to college nearby so that I can be the cool aunt that feeds them and lets them do their laundry at my place.
    Life would be infinitely better if pinatas suddenly appeared throughout the day.


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  16. #56
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    6,627

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    I have two children, never, ever, ever thought I wanted children. Love both of mine. Still not particularly enchanted by other people's. BUT - I am more *tolerant* of other people's kids than I used to be. Crying baby on an airplane? I will go to the parent and offer to hold the baby for five minutes while the parent goes to the bathroom or takes a break at the back of the plane. Lady with stroller at the subway steps? I will help carry the stroller up. Having my kids has taught me compassion for parents of little (below age 6) kids.

    I still bitch about the kids on my street shooting off firecrackers. I still give teenagers the evil eye on the train for being loud and obnoxious. But I would never, ever, ever tell someone that they are selfish or evil because they do not want children. There are plenty of humans in the world. Don't make more of them if you don't want them.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Feb. 2, 2011
    Location
    Philly metro
    Posts
    87

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    Depending on the kind of day I've had at work (public library), I'd either say I can't stand children or merely tolerate them. I love my parents, know they love me, but I've never ever wanted to be a mother. Even if I did mellow out about it or change my mind later in life (I'm 34), I would adopt. There are millions of children out there who would give anything for a parent or family to call their own.

    I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.

    The only 'little feet' I want to hear going pitter-patter around my home are my cats' paws. Cats are my people.



  18. #58
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

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    My fear is that I will regret not having kids and be completely unable to do anything about it...I feel like I should have kids even though I'm not really SURE. Does that make sense? I kept thinking something would kick in. We even went to a repro specialist last year (hubby had vasectomy after his last child 13 years ago). I feel like if I don't HATE kids, then I will get to the point where I will have waited too long for the "clock" to kick in or whatever.

    I like kids, I just didn't really want my own. Now I'm really torn.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  19. #59
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2001
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Posts
    16,396

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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    My fear is that I will regret not having kids and be completely unable to do anything about it...I feel like I should have kids even though I'm not really SURE. Does that make sense? I kept thinking something would kick in. We even went to a repro specialist last year (hubby had vasectomy after his last child 13 years ago). I feel like if I don't HATE kids, then I will get to the point where I will have waited too long for the "clock" to kick in or whatever.
    I'm right there with you, BuddyRoo. Similar circumstances. Same feelings. I don't know the answer, either.



  20. #60

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    I completely respect the choice to not want/have children, but I will never understand the hostility people have towards children.

    They are just people with less experience than adults.

    When the problem is bad parenting, I see it as an opportunity to model good behavior. A little understanding can go a long way - especially towards a child who may not get it otherwise.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.


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