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  1. #1
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Default After a loss....

    Reading some of the threads this OT round an having my own side of things it got me wondering?

    What do you do feel like doing after losing somebody?

    When my sister died, gosh, I can't remember, but I felt like doing things I know she would have enjoyed, only stopping when I realized she would not be around to listen to mys stories (not that she ever would have to begin with, as she did not really like me.

    Now my step mother has passed. She, too, could be a pill (and was so much of her last years). Opinionated and head strong, she had plenty of good points though, too. Some of my fondest memory was when she and I were crocheting doilies by the bazillion!

    Now I am feeling the urge to dig up my crochet hooks and stock up on yarn - or use up my stock pile - and my old patterns and make more doilies, even though my taste has changed since then, twenty years ago....
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



  2. #2
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    Mar. 18, 2005
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    Default

    I lost my Grandpa almost 25 years ago, lost my Aunt (my Mom's Identical Twin almost three years ago) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them. I have framed pics of each of them on my computer desk.

    A few weeks ago I was at my Mom's and we were in the basement. She picked up a metel small drawer organizer box and told me I could have it.
    The second she handed it to me I started crying as it was my Grandpa's. She said she only took a few things out of it.

    I brought it home, showed it to my hubby and said " I am sure my Grandpa would be proud if you went through this and took out things that you could use." (grandpa always told me I would marry a mechanic and I did). Hubby found lots of stuff. I was in the kitchen shortly after he started going threw the box. I told him he better let me know if he found Kandy.

    About ten minutes later he called out to me saying he found Kandy. I went into the room and there it was. A metel hat pin that the company name was Kandy. When I was a kid he would always put it in a diffrent drawer and I had four guess's as to which drawer it was in. I always got a tootsie roll, or a blow pop for finding it. (even if I didn't find it I still got the tootsie roll) Needless to say it brought back a flood of happy memories.

    Just remember the good times and cherrish the memories. I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of my Aunt as I haven't been able to grieve because I am still dealing with helping my Mom with her grief. Pass the memories on to others, start a journal about the memories so it can be passed on through the family and the years add a few snap shots.



  3. #3
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Default

    That's a good question. We just passed the third anniversary of my mom's death about a week and a half ago. I think I just ignored it for a long time, and now I'm in the irrational anger part of grief (like: I'm angry at everyone who is older than me and still has their mom. Stupid, I know, as I had my mom longer than other people... and life isn't fair and all that. That's why it is irrational anger!).

    I still haven't gotten to that 'doing something to remember her' stage... I do remember her and think about her every day. And really wish she would get to call me tomorrow to wish me a happy day and all of that. But she can't and I'll still turn a year older. I just haven't 'memorialized' her yet.
    Visit us at Bluebonnet Equine Humane Society - www.bluebonnetequine.org

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  4. #4
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Default

    I think I just sounded whiny and self-indulgent there. And probably turned your thread in a way you didn't intend! I WILL be reading this one as I'll be interested to see how others deal/cope/remember/etc. I am quite sorry for your recent loss (and all the other recent losses I've read about today).
    Visit us at Bluebonnet Equine Humane Society - www.bluebonnetequine.org

    Want to get involved in rescue or start your own? Check out How to Start a Horse Rescue - www.howtostartarescue.com



  5. #5
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    Dec. 26, 2008
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    I worked and I ignored it. I lost three grandmothers. All whom had major impact on my life. All who were sick and I knew were dying.

    None of them compared to my mom calling me to tell me my best friend from childhood died unexpectedly.

    We are a year apart, in our twenties. She had a one year old daughter and a husband. While we hadn't really talked much in past years ( what with life and all) I still showed up at important events and so did she. When something big happened in life we still called each other. Our parents lived nextdoor to each other up until a year ago.

    This was one of (still is) things I've ever had to go through and I had/have no idea where to start. I could barely make it through her sisters bridal shower months later. I just recently started visiting with her family again because I couldn't handle it.

    What I did do though was made more of an effort to see an spend time with other friends. One of the big things I felt was that we both let life take us away. I am remedying that with many friends whom I talk to occasionally but have in a larger sense lost touch with.

    I'm not sure where else to start but that's what I have done. ( Along with drinking more which is not a good thing! but we drank A LOT when we were younger so I guess that falls into what you were talking about!)



  6. #6
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    VA
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    I think it's different for every person and every situation.

    I worked home health/hospice for a few years and in that situation, while families tended to get really weird about "stuff" (possessions), for the most part I think people felt a sense of relief when their loved one passed--especially if he/she was older.

    In situations where it's an unexpected death, there seems to be quite a range of reactions.

    Me personally? I gave the eulogy at my Grandpa's funeral when I was 13. He was very special to me. He had been sick so it wasn't a total surprise, but I didn't feel particularly upset.

    When I was in HS a few years later, we had more than one student killed in car accidents. One was the brother of my then boyfriend. Hit by a train while we were on our way home from a ski trip. They were right behind us on a foggy night. I felt tremendously guilty but threw energy into getting RR crossing arms installed at that intersection. It gave me an outlet.

    As an adult, I've been blessed not have lost anyone close to me. But I have had several friends lose their spouses or children in the last two years. In those times, I've tried to be strong when I'm talking to them but I've hung up the phone and bawled my eyes out for them.

    I don't think there's any one "right way" to handle death.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  7. #7
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    Apr. 10, 2006
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    I've lost both my grandmas over the last 7 months. I was very close to both of them.

    They both endured a lot of suffering preceding their deaths, and it was very disturbing and painful to see them go through it.

    My own mom and I have had a rather tumultuous relationship, so my grandmas were always stable, constant motherly figures in my life. Now that they are gone, I feel like there is a large void in my heart and my life. I've not filled that void in the healthiest of ways... I spend a lot of time sleeping, eating and generally being anti-social. I wish I was dealing with it better. Maybe I am still too early on in the grieving process, though I keep thinking the cloud will pass and it just hasn't....

    Hugs to everyone else on this thread who has recently lost loved ones.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  8. #8
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    Jan. 10, 2008
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    I don't deal well with grieving. My dad died in July. The day he died, I was at the hospital in the morning and knew it was going to be the end. I chose to leave and attend a poetry workshop I was scheduled to go to. I know it seemed callous, but I didn't want to be there or to be sitting at home thinking about it--I wanted to be totally distracted. He was in a coma, and I had already said my goodbyes and everything I wanted to say, and I knew he wasn't really in there anymore--I felt closer to him away from that place. On the hour and a half drive to the workshop, I was listening to all his CDs, though--and when "Mr. Tambourine Man" came on I suddenly just knew he was gone, and sure enough, my phone rang a few minutes later with the news.

    I have continued to mostly try not to think about it and to keep myself distracted. I was super, super close to him and I don't really know how to deal with it yet, so I just don't. I burst into tears at least three times a day when something little reminds me of him, and then I immediately repress it again. Ironically, that's a trait I got from him and his side of the family... all old Mainers who don't want to bother anyone with their emotions.



  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by SarahandSam View Post
    I don't deal well with grieving. My dad died in July. The day he died, I was at the hospital in the morning and knew it was going to be the end. I chose to leave and attend a poetry workshop I was scheduled to go to. I know it seemed callous, but I didn't want to be there or to be sitting at home thinking about it--I wanted to be totally distracted. He was in a coma, and I had already said my goodbyes and everything I wanted to say, and I knew he wasn't really in there anymore--I felt closer to him away from that place. On the hour and a half drive to the workshop, I was listening to all his CDs, though--and when "Mr. Tambourine Man" came on I suddenly just knew he was gone, and sure enough, my phone rang a few minutes later with the news.

    I have continued to mostly try not to think about it and to keep myself distracted. I was super, super close to him and I don't really know how to deal with it yet, so I just don't. I burst into tears at least three times a day when something little reminds me of him, and then I immediately repress it again. Ironically, that's a trait I got from him and his side of the family... all old Mainers who don't want to bother anyone with their emotions.

    it's still very fresh.
    It took me a good 2 years to stop bawling looking at Gone with the Wind memorabilia after my sister had died. It was her favorite movie and book of all times.

    It was a bit weird there for a spell, my mom had picked two Billie Joel songs for her memorial service, songs that are not usually on the radio.
    One day as I was driving down the road, thinking how weird it was when we cleaned out her house a few week earlier, one of the songs came on.

    And again, I pretty much did not hear either song for the rest of the year, then a couple weeks before the anniversary the song came on again...freaky.
    I think I still can't listen to the songs without tearing up.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



  10. #10
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    May. 15, 2011
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    My mother died when I was 17 after years of fighting a brain tumor. I mostly went numb, but when my dog died 6 months later of cancer as well (she'd helped me get my dog as a puppy right before she got sick), I was a total wreck emotionally. My way of coping was to avoud my dad and stepmother and just do lots and lots of homework, studying, and extra credit. I got really good grades. I hated my life.

    Four yearsto the day later, my dad died suddenly. We had a tempestuous relationship and had just begun to mend it, so I was really sort of brokenhearted about the whole thing. Again, I distanced myself from everyone only this time I didn't do any schoolwork and graduated by working extra hard my senior year of college to try to redeem myself.

    Since my dad essentially dropped dead without a cause, my siblings and my stepmother and I received a lump sum from his life insurance policies. I probably should have just socked it away, but instead I paid off all my debts, took a really nice vacation to Hawaii because we were supposed to go as a family before September 11 happened, and I bought myself my first horse that my dad always promised me but never delivered.

    I used to get really sad whenever I'd do something that he used to do, like I run races like he used to, but now I'm just pissed because he was an adult and my parent and we could have had a better relationship but he couldn't bring himself to compromise, and now there's all these things in my life that he's missing and it's really all his damn fault. I can forgive my mother, she was sick, but my stupid father basically turned me out of the house and didn't want to talk to me until just before he dropped dead.
    “Thoroughbreds are the best. They’re lighter, quicker, and more intelligent.” -George Morris



  11. #11
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    Oct. 9, 2000
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    California
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    In the past six weeks I lost my oldest friend (since 1978) and her daughter in a drunk-driving boating accident, and Mr. PoPo's mother to a stroke and heart attack.

    The friend and her daughter were a tragedy - she was a great mom to three kids (she left two boys and a husband behind), her daughter was funny and coming into her pre-teen years. Both were horse lovers and the mom and I have shared our love of horses since we were kids. Just a couple weeks before her death we went trail riding together, which we tried to do once or twice a month. I was lucky enough to live just a few miles from her so could see her on a somewhat regular basis.

    Mr. PoPo's mother's passing was a blessing for many reasons that I won't go into.

    For the first few weeks I was sad and would sit and cry in the living room after Mr. PoPo went to bed. I went to her funeral and cried with our other childhood friend (we were the three musketeers). I've always been sensitive to death in that I will get a visit in my dreams from the one who has passed, be it pets or relatives. I was worried because for a few weeks I didn't get a visit from my friend. Then I got a visit from her mom (who passed almost 10 years ago), looking for my friend and she couldn't find her, so I was still worried about her. Then the week after that I did get a visit from her and she gave me a nice long hug goodbye. Since then I haven't really been sad anymore.

    While I am not a religious person, I have been reading about near-death experiences where people do say their death experience (before coming back to life) was very peaceful and loving. So that gave me some comfort.

    I kind of holed myself up at home for a while, gave up teaching my yoga classes because they took a lot out of me emotionally, and have been doing a lot of reading and spending time with the critters. I figure if I get sad I'll go with it, and if I feel happy I'll go with it.
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran



  12. #12
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    Aug. 1, 2002
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    Nov. 7 will be 5 months since my husband died. I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Some days it's fairly easy, and other days its hard just to do basic things. Just now, as I'm typing this, my almost 2 year old said "Daddy in heaven with Jesus!" No 2 year old should ever have to say that. Prayers and hugs for all struggling.



  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    Nov. 7 will be 5 months since my husband died. I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Some days it's fairly easy, and other days its hard just to do basic things. Just now, as I'm typing this, my almost 2 year old said "Daddy in heaven with Jesus!" No 2 year old should ever have to say that. Prayers and hugs for all struggling.
    Many hugs to you and your little one!
    It would be so much easier if we could adapt the child's point of view.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.



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