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  1. #41
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    Apr. 10, 2011
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    Default emotionally invested...

    Quote Originally Posted by meupatdoes View Post
    They may honestly feel relieved if you give them fair notice of a deadline and then follow through on disposal. It takes the responsibility out of their hands and they can "blame you" for a while but be secretly happy that that load of crap is taken care of.

    I am not a hoarder by any stretch but I still occasionally will donate, for example, a broken lamp to the Salvation Army under the rationale of, "well....maybe somebody wants to fix this?" I know they will probably throw it away immediately but I would feel bad "not giving the lamp a chance" or whatever, so rather than having the whole discussion with myself and to and froing about it, I just put it in a box, drop it off, and let someone else who is less emotionally invested make the call.

    This is probably what they are doing on a much larger scale.
    that's one of the smartest things I've ever read. I can apply that so many ways in the future.



  2. #42
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    Oct. 14, 2010
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    Horse Heaven
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    Hoarder's are not looking for someone to help them get rid of their stuff. To them it isn't junk at all. It is valuable and they need it.

    It's a bizarre situation where the hoarder is overwhelmed by feelings regarding themselves and their stuff and their animals. They are so hyper-sensitive to their own feelings - that they lose perspective of the actual situation. Reality is that they are buried under stuff and they often are abusing animals. The animals suffer because the hoarder is more interested in their own idea (self-based, not reality based) that they are "helping" all these poor homeless animals. They are blind to reality and live in a world focused on maintaining their emotional well being (in a fantasy land).

    Helping them deal with their stuff is the last thing they want. Because, in their eyes, the stuff and animals are just fine.



  3. #43
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2006
    Location
    NW Oregon
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    552

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    They'll be just as angry with you if you get rid of it now (okay...with one last notice) as if you kept it another month or two and then get rid of it. Either way, you'll be the bad guy, but at least you'll be the bad guy with room in your barn for your things and feeling good about standing up to them.
    They're not miniatures, they're concentrates.

    Born tongue-in-cheek and foot-in-mouth



  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
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    8,775

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    Hippolyta-There are ways of clearing out houses. The executor is responsible for this, and can deduct the expenses of hiring the junk companies (there are specialists in cleaning out hoards and just huge amounts of junk), and depending on the location I believe it's about $1,000 a day for a truck and crew.

    A friend found her mother was a hoarder after she got stuck with the house (virtually worthless because of debts and lack of maintenance) with a basement full of shopping network packages (unopened), and the resulting bills. She hired a crew of people from her church, and hired a couple of people with the large metal rail sided trucks to haul everything away. I think it took something like 10 truck loads to clean the place out, and because of the small value of the house, and the outstanding credit card bills, there was nothing left. Fortunately, the estate is responsible for the bills and not you, except for some cases (you have to consult an estate attorney about that) so the worst part is having to do the clean out. And when a house is really bad it can be sold as a tear down, with contents included. There was a house on the A&E Hoarder show this week that was so bad I watched either with the sound off, or changed the channel, and it was so bad it was sold for very little as a tear down, and the fines took almost everything else, so it does happen.

    And on the subject of hoarders. Many times you read about hoarders from these shows and there have been repeated cleanups, or they just transfer everything to storage units or sheds. A woman in Colorado had hoarded her house, had multiple, huge storage units, and rented an old store that was something like 9,000 Sq Ft-and her husband only knew about the one storage unit, plus I think she filled the son's basement too. Supposedly she cleaned up the house, all but one storage unit and that was just seasonal decorations. I doubt it will stay that way, because the true hoarders just don't reform. They've had hoarders that actually tried to hoard in family members or friends homes after they had to leave their own junk pile of a home. Matt Paxton's book (he's the extreme cleaner from Hoarders) and some others have written entire books about hoarding, and it's just not a pretty picture. Sometimes they choose filthy garbage clean up over getting kids back or keeping a house. And apparently many of these people do this in rental property also.

    And if there is another person in the house that limits the hoard size, then if that person leaves or dies the hoarding really starts up. They estimate that 1 in 25 homes in this country are hoards, and it even happens in condos, townhouses and apartments too.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  5. #45
    Join Date
    Jul. 3, 2012
    Location
    Twin Cities
    Posts
    2,200

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    JanM-

    thanks. I will be executor & sole heir. Joy. She at least just collects stuff, no garbage. Her housekeeping skills aren't great, but other than years of dust, some dead bugs, etc there isn't any filth. maybe as she gets older & more nuts I will have that to look forward to.

    No animal hoarding either, so I should be glad.

    However, last horse out in the barn (35 yrs old) finally died, so now that will become her next storage area, I am sure. While animals were still around out there it was Dad's province. Now the wall is down. I don't know how he stands it!!!!

    If he goes first (statistically, this is the way it will go), I imagine situation will escalate. She will probably spend half her $$ (a lot) on home shopping & be scammed out of the rest of it.

    It is such a weird, weird phenomenon. She is a well-off, Ivy educated professional, and lives in what would be a gorgeous 225 yr old house. From the outside (maintained) it looks like it would be a palace.

    She even hoards things on her computer: won't get rid of files or cookies in the cache, won't remove preinstalled stuff (I paid for it! is her rationale???), etc.

    arghhhhhhh

    seriously, when I start to think about it I feel my heart rate increase, especially b/c I know I will be dealing with it on my own.



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2005
    Location
    Upstate NY
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    12,428

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by alabama View Post
    Maybe send them an email or something so you have this discussion in writing???
    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    Better yet, a certified letter
    Quote Originally Posted by PeteyPie View Post
    I would also drop off a note or email the reminder with a cc at the bottom so that there are no accusations or false confusion over exactly what you want: "Bob and Kathy, just a reminder. Don't forget to come and get your things out of my barn before Saturday, October 20th. I will be cleaning the barn and disposing of anything remaining at noon on the 20th."
    All of the above!

    Hopefully it will never happen because it is family but best to protect yourself. A note with 'per our conversation on <date> and my conversations with you previously on <dates>.....'



  7. #47
    Join Date
    Nov. 25, 2004
    Location
    Greenville, SC
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    923

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    I have hoarders on both sides of my family. My mother's father had his tendencies kept in check by my grandmother, who ruled with an iron fist and was indomitable (god, I miss her so much). When she died and he was left alone in their house, it just all went to heck in a double wide. The worst example of his hoarding was when my uncle was cleaning out his freezer and found a frozen squirrel. Why did he have a dead squirrel in the freezer? Because he thought someone might want it for taxidermy.

    My dad's mom is the other hoarder. She and his father had an awful relationship (he died very young), and up until a few years ago we had no idea about the state of her house in Cleveland until she fell, broke her hip, and had to be placed in a SNF. Then we got inside and found it a mess of all messes.

    After additional years of labor and effort, everything valuable has been removed, and the house is in the process of being sold as-is to a nice family looking to rehab it completely. She'll have the cash from the sale to pay her nursing home bills until she passes.

    So, OP, I feel for you. I also commend you for standing up and saying it needs to go, pronto. Although I would have called your brother up the day after the agreed date had passed...

    Give him a week, and then have a lovely bonfire and rent a dumpster.
    Lucy (Precious Star) - 1994 TB mare; happily reunited with her colt Touch the Stars



  8. #48
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Hip-My understanding is that there are companies that will do supervised inventory of the good stuff, do an estate sale, and clean out the rest for you. It comes out of the executor's fees.

    The most important thing to do when anyone wants to store items on your property is the word NO! As others have said on here, it's a complete sentence, and once you open the door to discussion then it gets harder to stop someone taking advantage of you.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  9. #49
    Join Date
    Sep. 19, 2008
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    Half past the point of oblivion
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    Because my dad still lives on the "family farm"--he purchased it from my grandfather 40 years ago--his brothers and sisters have felt entitled to store things there, and their children as well. These people aren't even hoarders and it's impossible to get them to pick their stuff back up, probably because they aren't the ones stumbling over it/needing to move it all the time. So I'm with JanM, just say no! Or charge for the space, so they get tired of paying and come get their stuff

    I confess I watch Hoarders all the time. I'm a pretty lousy housekeeper, and whenever I look at my mess and decide to flop on the couch instead of cleaning, I turn on Hoarders. It's pretty hard to watch that show for more than 15 minutes without getting up and doing dishes or vacuuming It works for me, anyway!
    Holy crap, how does Darwin keep missing you? ~Lauruffian



  10. #50
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    Jun. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by axl View Post
    I confess I watch Hoarders all the time. I'm a pretty lousy housekeeper, and whenever I look at my mess and decide to flop on the couch instead of cleaning, I turn on Hoarders. It's pretty hard to watch that show for more than 15 minutes without getting up and doing dishes or vacuuming It works for me, anyway!
    Totally works for me. Ten minutes of that show and I am throwing out 1/3 of my worldly possessions and polishing the baseboards behind the radiators.

    I think even reading this I am going to spend some time in the house this weekend with five trashbags and make sure they leave FULL.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #51
    Join Date
    Jul. 21, 2006
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    South Carolina
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hippolyta View Post
    The only reason I think I need to get married is so that there is someone around who is at least semi-legally obligated to help me clear out my mother's crap (HUGE house, full) when she goes.

    If I had my way she'd be in the bin right now.

    see...angry.
    I can't imagine what living with a hoarder would be like. But she may very well wind up placed somewhere if it gets bad enough. I volunteer as a guardian ad litem for vulnerable adults. Probably half of my wards at any given time are folks who are taken into custody by social services because they're hoarders.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hippolyta View Post

    If he goes first (statistically, this is the way it will go), I imagine situation will escalate. She will probably spend half her $$ (a lot) on home shopping & be scammed out of the rest of it.

    It is such a weird, weird phenomenon. She is a well-off, Ivy educated professional, and lives in what would be a gorgeous 225 yr old house. From the outside (maintained) it looks like it would be a palace.
    Yeah - my wards' homes all looked fine from the outside. Usually how it gets reported is either the neighbors notice a smell (for food or animal hoarders), or the person has a fall (tripping over stuff, srsly) or emergency medical personnel have to come into the house for some other reason.

    I wish you luck with your mother.



  12. #52
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    1,830

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    Hoarding is a mental problem. Expecting a hoarder to deal rationally with their clutter is like expecting an alcoholic to be able to stop at one drink with dinner. It ain't gonna happen consistently, and it might not happen at all.

    A book worth reading is "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things." Even the review is interesting:

    http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Compulsi...keywords=stuff



  13. #53
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    Jun. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by carp View Post
    Hoarding is a mental problem. Expecting a hoarder to deal rationally with their clutter is like expecting an alcoholic to be able to stop at one drink with dinner. It ain't gonna happen consistently, and it might not happen at all.

    A book worth reading is "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things." Even the review is interesting:

    http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Compulsi...keywords=stuff
    I want to buy this book.

    a.) "Whether we’re savers, collectors, or compulsive cleaners, very few of us are in fact free of the impulses that drive hoarders to extremes."

    This is SO TRUE. I went through a phase as a kid where I could throw NOTHING away. I would attempt to keep the plastic wrappers CDs came in. My mother would ixnay.
    I think my current extremely clutter free home (my mattress is on the floor because an actual bed would be "too much stuff", and so on) is just the same thing in a more socially acceptable iteration.

    b.) And then of course, the contemplation of the purchase.

    *commence inner dialog*

    "Well, the paper back version is $1.50, and the kindle version is $9."
    "Just spend the $1.50."
    "But then you have to store it and HAVE IT AROUND."
    "But it's 8 extra dollars."
    "If you get the kindle, you can keep it to reread without HAVING IT AROUND. If you get the book, you either have to give it away and not be able to reread it ever or be able to reread it someday but have to BE THE CUSTODIAN OF IT."
    "$1.50"
    "$9"
    "CUSTODIAN."
    "KINDLE."
    "**omfg!!!!***"

    *skips buying book altogether*



  14. #54
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    The few hoarder shows I've watched all the way through are discouraging. I realize they are all level 5 hoarders on tv or in the papers, but a majority have been helped to clean up repeatedly, and many also dump junk in the kids' rooms, and on any poor person that will let them. Letting someone store stuff at your place is a recipe for disaster, and as usual no good deed goes unpunished.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  15. #55
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    Feb. 6, 2003
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    Deep South
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    Guy Fawkes night is just around the corner !
    ... _. ._ .._. .._



  16. #56
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    Jan. 14, 2003
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    Massachusetts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Belltello View Post
    He got defensive and said "How is it inconvenient?!" .....He said he was going to find the number and call but couldn't make any guarantees that they could pick up by next weekend. We shall see what goes...
    Well, there is your answer. He has no intention of cleaning anything out.. Not only that but in the end you'll be the bad guy. Get rid of it and let the chips fall where they may and don't ever loan them space again! No good deed goes unpunished.



  17. #57
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    Dec. 18, 2011
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    592

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    As long as you provided a definitive "it must be out" date with the further admonition that you will dispose of the material remaining as you see fit on that date, you should be fine. Do it in writing and either hand it to them or send it by registered mail. (even though they are relatives...) It's your space...



  18. #58
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    Apr. 1, 2003
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    Cocoa, Fla
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    When we purchased thye property we have now an older couple lived there. They wanted to keep some stuff under the overhang for a week (or so).

    When it was there a month (they were having a house built next door since we purchase the existing house and part of the property) I moved their stuff to just inside their property line. It disappeared, I assume they noticed it and took it home. As we were in the process of putting up a fence I think they got the picture.

    When it reaches the deadline take the stuff to the curb and tell then you have done so. Remind them that means anyone driving by can pick it up, and by the way the trashmen come in X # days.

    If they have a meltdown too bad.

    And never let them store anything at your place again.
    Sandy in Fla.



  19. #59
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    Mar. 12, 2006
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    Ocala
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    Tell them if their crap isnt gone by x date, you will donate it, since they already said they were going to do that. They may well agree to you doing that. Then torch it.



  20. #60
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    Mar. 13, 2006
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    Sno County
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    What if you have a nephew who has a bunch of his stuff stored in your garage but he really doesn't have anyplace to put it since his living situation is somewhat temporary? If I tell him he needs to get his stuff out of my garage, I'll be the one having to bring it to him because he doesn't have his own transportation plus I have a truck. I don't mind helping out a relative from time to time but this guy is a first class moocher/leach and I really don't want to help him out any more than I have. He lived with DH and me for 2 months which was originally supposed to be for a week, tops.
    Yogurt - If you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Steven Colbert



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