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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 18, 2012
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    Question WWYD: Married Boarder Hitting on Female Guest???

    A male married boarder and friend of ours has recently invited his young, attractive and recently single female friend out to our barn to ride his horse. I have no problem with this arrangement, except for the fact that he is obviously hitting on her, and we socialize frequently with him and his wife.

    I have no issue with harmless flirting, but his behavior has gone beyond that and I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable witnessing this. I know that technically it's none of my business, but my husband and I socialize frequently with him and his wife.

    I don't want to damage our friendship, but on the other hand I feel conflicted watching this. WWYD???



  2. #2
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    Invite his wife out to ride your horse at the same time...
    Hillary Clinton - proven liar, cheat, traitor and defender of rapists! Anyone but Hillary 2016! https://www.facebook.com/AntiHillary2016



  3. #3
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    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    Ask Dear Abby? It's none of your business as a barn owner, and involving the wife would moat likely end in you having less boarders. Just to keep it short and to the point...
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



  4. #4
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    Sep. 18, 2012
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    If we didn't socialize frequently with him and his wife, I would agree its none of my business. We do socialize often (dinners out, cultural events, parties).
    I don't want to loose him as a boarder or a friend, but it also makes me feel uncomfortable watching him flirt unabashedly to the point of making plans with her while his wife is out of town. Yuck!



  5. #5
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    Aug. 11, 2003
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    Question: are the wife and husband, friends of yours? When you say you socialise with them frequently, in what capacity?

    The reality is that it's your barn and therefore your barn, your rules, You should absolutely not feel uncomfortable in your own barn.

    If the wife was a friend of mine, regardless of my professional relationship with her husband I would either honestly say to the husband something along the lines of "Your bringing another single female here makes me uncomfortable when we are out with you and your wife. I will have to ask you to stop bringing your friend out with you. Thank you" or "Look dirtbag, quit bringing you bit-on-the-side out here". If she was a good friend I might indeed consider telling the wife.

    (A funny, slightly related story. There were 3 of us that are very good friends. One of our group was doing internet dating and happened to come across the live-in boyfriend of our other friend on a dating website. We spent ages working out how to tackle it and decided that honesty was the best answer. Friend A, emailed Friend B and said "look, I don't know how to say this, so I am just going to say it right out. I was on X dating website and came across your boyfriend". Friend B came out and said "ah well, I kept meaning to tell you all, but we have an open relationship but I thought you would all disapprove") - so, of course that begs the question of the folks you know - maybe they have an open relationship and you didn't know? You might say absolutely not, but Friend B had been my best friend for more than 10 years and I had no idea about her relationship with her partner.



  6. #6
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    Oct. 20, 2005
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    2,813

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    Make sure that he knows that BECAUSE it isn't your business, you won't keep this a secret; that if you know about it, other people know about it; and that just because it's occurring at your facility doesn't mean you condone it.

    It isn't your business to tell his wife, and if you did she might shoot the messenger. But when she finds out, she'll know that you knew...

    Sticky situation for sure.
    It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati



  7. #7
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    Jun. 21, 2004
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    Cairo, Georgia
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    I have to ask why you'd want to socialize with someone like him? Maybe just be friends with the wife & I agree to invite her out at the same time the girlfriend is there.
    Producing horses with gentle minds & brilliant movement!
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  8. #8
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    Jun. 18, 2011
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    Everyone will probably go the MYOB route but really, he's MAKING it your business by flaunting his crappy behavior right in front of you knowing damn good and well you're friends with his wife.

    Is this guy a f^$&#^@ idiot?!?!?!

    Because honestly that's the only explanation I can come up with. Who DOES that? Who puts their friends in that position?!?!

    "Listen buddy, I don't know what you got going on with this woman but given the fact I'm friends with your wife I do not want to see it going on in the barn. If you don't want her knowing about this then you best not be doing it in front of me."

    Don't mix business with pleasure, don't get personally involved with people you do business with, yadda yadda we've heard all that crap before. The situation is what it is and if you're uncomfortable with it then speak up.

    My BO had a similar situation in her barn years ago, boarder's husband was bringing his girlfriend up to ride his wife's horses (yes, hers before the marriage). She warned him once, he snuck the woman up there again. She ratted his a$$ out without thinking twice about it, called boarder at work and told her exactly what was going on. She showed up, it was ugly. She temporarily lost the boarder over it (had to move the horses during the divorce, brought them back after the dust settled) but she kept former boarder as a friend.

    HE'S the one putting YOU in a bad situation, don't feel bad for one second for following your conscience.



  9. #9
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    NY
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    Oddly, GaitedGlorys example was easier. Someone was riding the wife's horse, possibly without wife's permission, and I view that act as making it the BOs business to check with the wife.
    I think odds are high that you will lose a boarder, even if you don't say anything.



  10. #10
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    Sep. 18, 2004
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    Virginia
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    You could play stupid and innocently ask the wife if she would have the "friend" sign a liability release form since riding is now a regular occurrence.
    Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength



  11. #11
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    Oct. 18, 2008
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    Deschapelles, Haiti
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stellaspeed View Post
    You could play stupid and innocently ask the wife if she would have the "friend" sign a liability release form since riding is now a regular occurrence.
    Yes, there is the fact he's dragged your insurance and potentially legal exposure into this. I like the idea of reminding him that he is the one dragging you into his mess by association, and that you wouldn't have the luxury of keeping it from the wife even if you wanted to. Your barn isn't Vegas - what happens there cannot stay there since both he and wife are responsible for their horses and any visitors riding them and have to take responsibility together for horses and guests.

    How many boarders do you have and what are your 'boarder's guest' rules?
    HAS provides hospital care to 340,000 people in Haiti's Artibonite Valley 24/7/365/earthquake/cholera/whatever.
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  12. #12
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    Sep. 2, 2005
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    Upstate NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stellaspeed View Post
    You could play stupid and innocently ask the wife if she would have the "friend" sign a liability release form since riding is now a regular occurrence.
    This could probably work.

    Friend, I keep forgetting to ask hubby when he is out here with SuzyQ while she rides his horse, do you think you could get a release signed for me?



  13. #13
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    Jan. 5, 2010
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    Are you sure they haven't made a "lifestyle choice" and the goose is out getting what the gander's trying to land?
    Nudging "Almost Heaven" a little closer still...
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  14. #14
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    In Jingle Town
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    well, if the guy was such a good friend, he would not bring his family drama to your doorstep.

    I would think you and/or your husband could pull him aside and tell him out right: Look mate, I don't know how your arrangement is with the missus, but don't do this here!

    This guy puts you into the situation to either keep his secret or spill the beans on him, in either case you will look bad!

    Yeah, and make the other girl sign the release.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.
    GNU Terry Prachett



  15. #15
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    Jan. 5, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    I would think you and/or your husband could pull him aside and tell him out right: Look mate, I don't know how your arrangement is with the missus, but don't do this here!
    .
    The Barn is not a Bordello.
    Nudging "Almost Heaven" a little closer still...
    http://www.wvhorsetrainer.com



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2004
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    Massachusetts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    well, if the guy was such a good friend, he would not bring his family drama to your doorstep.

    I would think you and/or your husband could pull him aside and tell him out right: Look mate, I don't know how your arrangement is with the missus, but don't do this here!
    If it is actually the case that they have an open relationship, saying "Not acceptable in my barn" sounds like a great way to lose a couple of boarders to more friendly and accepting barns.

    I think that calling the wife about the release is a good non-confrontational way to do it, but if you really insist on making it your business, be a grownup and approach him about it. "Hey, I've noticed your flirting with SuzyQ....I just want to make sure that the Mrs. knows about her, because it's making me uncomfortable to feel like an accomplice."



  17. #17
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    May. 25, 2005
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    I like the release form idea. I would call your friend's house when you know his wife will answer (or call her cell) and just start having normal conversation. Then in the middle say something like "Hey, before I forget can you ask Johnny when he is out here with SuzyQ to have her sign this release". If you run a low key place and never had them sign a release just add "I don't know SuzyQ and in todays day and age with all the lawsuits I just feel more comfortable if she signs a release".



  18. #18
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by GoForAGallop View Post
    If it is actually the case that they have an open relationship, saying "Not acceptable in my barn" sounds like a great way to lose a couple of boarders to more friendly and accepting barns.
    Like I said, if he is a friend he would not do this to begin with. Open relationships are really rare to begin with (because they seldom ever work) and fly in the face of convention. You don't flaunt them in general.
    If they take umbrage then the OP is better off without them.

    I think that calling the wife about the release is a good non-confrontational way to do it, but if you really insist on making it your business, be a grownup and approach him about it. "Hey, I've noticed your flirting with SuzyQ....I just want to make sure that the Mrs. knows about her, because it's making me uncomfortable to feel like an accomplice."
    It IS her business, since he is doing it in front of her, in her place of business.
    Chances are the other borders don't care much for that type of display much either.
    She can always ask him 'Is your wife ok with that?'
    but I don't think calling the wife 'oh, btw, that chick your husband brings to the barn needs to sign a release' is the way to go.
    Like I said, if they are friends, she should be a able to pull him off to the side and ask him what is going on, or rather have the husband do it since there are topics that generally are not discussed cross gender.
    friends don't put friends in awkward positions.
    Quote Originally Posted by Bristol Bay View Post
    Try setting your broomstick to fly at a lower altitude.
    GNU Terry Prachett



  19. #19
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    Nov. 7, 2002
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    Central FL
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    This one. As you hand him the release for her to sign ...

    Quote Originally Posted by GoForAGallop View Post
    "Hey, I've noticed your flirting with SuzyQ....I just want to make sure that the Mrs. knows about her, because it's making me uncomfortable to feel like an accomplice."
    If you want to be more neutral, instead of "knows about her" say something like "is okay with the extent of the friendship" or if they share ownership of the horses "knows you've got other people on your horses."
    *=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=



  20. #20
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    Oct. 14, 2010
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    3,633

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    This is kind of funny, you're getting close to describing my barn.

    One of the guys at my barn has been bringing his girlfriend to my barn for months. Nice, cute little blond thing. Guy is late 40's with a ring on his finger. She makes great cinnamon buns (no euphemism there). Since she started showing up, the guy's gotten divorced, and Kiddo has learned to ride & will show soon.

    After a couple months I discretely asked another boarder, got the scoop, and went on with my life. No one cares. Everyone knows the situation. One early 20-something had her knickers in a bit of a knot over it, but her stalker-ex has showed up the barn, so she couldn't get too judgemental.

    I'm not generally the most open minded, & have probably been called a prude more than once, but this a barn. People have been doing things at barns for decades. Owners, trainers, grooms, owner's kids and boarders in some combination have been rolling in the hay long before me, and will be long after me.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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