The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 21 to 40 of 40
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2006
    Posts
    799

    Default

    I post more or less the same thing every OT day.

    1- any divorce attorney you see he can't use so go to the best one(s) in your area for consultations

    2 - a joint account can be emptied and closed by only one person (make sure that person is YOU)

    3 - do not leave your home without speaking to an attorney!

    Also all those things he does that you don't want to have to do - you can pay someone to do them and they LEAVE your house at the end of the day



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Raleigh, NC
    Posts
    1,696

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by west5 View Post
    2 - a joint account can be emptied and closed by only one person (make sure that person is YOU)
    I don't think that's true. At least I was not able to close our joint account alone (after we had both gotten separate accounts and moved our money).

    HOWEVER, based on advice I got here on an OT day, I did start to squirrel away a little CASH every week, just in case things got really bad and accounts were seized/cleaned out/whatever. By the time we "officially" separated I had $3k that I could use as a cushion if I needed it in an emergency. This is better than your own account because it's not as easily traced/accounted for should records be analyzed. It's not the most honest, but I had a real fear of having NO money all of a sudden.
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Oct. 4, 2003
    Location
    Hurdle Mills, NC
    Posts
    4,101

    Default

    P.S.-- Do learn the laws in your state-- they DO differ-- a LOT. (I spent a lot of hours in the law library at Duke finding questions to ask my lawyer).
    And, yes, you could end up owing him alimony, half your retirement, etc., etc., especially if you're in a "no fault divorce" type state. If you're a state where abandonment is considered a "fault" grounds for divorce, you do, indeed, need to be very careful to consult a good lawyer before deciding to move out. There are SOO many details that could be relevant-- for example, I interviewed every highly recommended divorce lawyer I could find before making my choices-- and later found out that there was an added benefit to doing so: once I'd discussed the case with a lawyer, s/he was automatically disqualified from representing my ex-. Just a bit of dumb luck in my case, but....



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Thankfully, the only joint account we have is his bank account. I separated those a long time ago when he went on a binge and emptied the account!

    I don't really care what he takes, so long as it's not my horses - which I don't THINK he can take because they were acquired prior to marriage. I would have to double check, but I think they would not be considered marital property. I don't have anything else... other than my salary. I used my 401K as a downpayment on the house. So, I'm just as busted as he is, just that I work and bring home a paycheck.



  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,123

    Default

    Just think how much you'll save by not paying for all of that booze. And Trak is right, in today's climate the stay at home can get their portion of the property, and money. Of course, it depends on a lot of variables, and the state you live in. And get a local divorce attorney, because I know several people who brought in someone from outside the local area and they lost big time from the local attitude.

    A long time ago I worked with a woman who was very wealthy, and she had to make a substantial payment to get rid of ex #1.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Oct. 4, 2003
    Location
    Hurdle Mills, NC
    Posts
    4,101

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post
    Thankfully, the only joint account we have is his bank account. I separated those a long time ago when he went on a binge and emptied the account!

    I don't really care what he takes, so long as it's not my horses - which I don't THINK he can take because they were acquired prior to marriage. I would have to double check, but I think they would not be considered marital property. I don't have anything else... other than my salary. I used my 401K as a downpayment on the house. So, I'm just as busted as he is, just that I work and bring home a paycheck.
    What about the house? That sounds like significant marital property he could claim half of.

    Almost forgot to add, though: the best thing for both of you is likely to be a settlement you can just take to the court to rubber stamp-- the quicker the better, because the longer you fight, the more the lawyers will get and the less that will be left for you.



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    6,205

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post
    What I CAN'T seem to figure out is WHY I am so hesitant to tell him to beat it. This is ridiculous.
    I was in a crappy marriage once. I kept waiting for "the last straw". I put up with some pretty dramatic things. When "the last straw" came, it was so minor. I just felt ready to leave. I sort of looked up to the Heavens and said "was that it? Was that 'the last straw'?" And the Heavens said "yes, dummy, go get your stuff."



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2006
    Posts
    799

    Default

    [QUOTE=Pony Fixer;6544656]I don't think that's true. At least I was not able to close our joint account alone (after we had both gotten separate accounts and moved our money).
    /QUOTE]

    Well my ex was able to do it
    I learned my lesson!



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Yes, the house is the marital property. That's it, besides little odds and ends - furniture, etc. Neither of us have any other assets, and no children. I am hopeful that it could be an amicable settlement. I don't see him being a huge butthead, but then, who knows, when backed into a corner, how anyone can react. I may be naive there. My first divorce (which just sucks), was easy peasy. But, all WE had was the child. Absolutely no assets. The whole thing just sucks all the way around.



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    6,205

    Default

    Yes, it does suck. But look at it this way: The divorce will eventually stop sucking. Can you say the same about the marriage?



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
    Posts
    2,966

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by KCINTOLB View Post
    Yes, the house is the marital property. That's it, besides little odds and ends - furniture, etc. Neither of us have any other assets, and no children. I am hopeful that it could be an amicable settlement. I don't see him being a huge butthead, but then, who knows, when backed into a corner, how anyone can react. I may be naive there. My first divorce (which just sucks), was easy peasy. But, all WE had was the child. Absolutely no assets. The whole thing just sucks all the way around.
    Uh, he's not working & hasn't for years. Do you think he's not going to make things difficult for you once he realizes his lifestyle is on the line?? I'd heavily think again if I were you.



  12. #32
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2010
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bacardi1 View Post
    Uh, he's not working & hasn't for years. Do you think he's not going to make things difficult for you once he realizes his lifestyle is on the line?? I'd heavily think again if I were you.
    You may have a point there.



  13. #33
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Raleigh, NC
    Posts
    1,696

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    The divorce will eventually stop sucking. Can you say the same about the marriage?
    Best.quote.ever.
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
    Location
    Raleigh, NC
    Posts
    1,696

    Default

    I can say that I did have the most amicable divorce ever, despite being scared that I would not. I got everything I asked for and more. However, he had an affair, which worked in my favor during the proceedings. Who knew an affair could be a good thing, LOL?

    I wish you the best. Knowledge is power, so find out all you can. Check in with us next OT, too.
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.



  15. #35
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2006
    Location
    Central Illinois
    Posts
    822

    Default

    I have a friend that was in a VERY unhealthy marriage. She finally decided to get out just last March.

    I didnt know her before November, so 6 mos? while in her her marriage.

    She moved to our barn. I met him and they gave a good picture. Wasnt until I got to actually know her, that I learned what a LOSER he was.

    There was physical and mental abuse. He is VERY controlling!

    When she decided to finally file for divorce, she had NO access to any money. It took a HUGE step for her.

    Several people at the barn (me included) let her borrow money for her own atty. She had a job, but a retainer for an atty was really more than she could afford. Divorce is still going on, but looks like she will get a decent chunk of money, so the light is there in the end of her tunnel.

    During these last few months, she has GAINED a TON of confidence. I would say she is a different person.

    He kept her down, made him feel better. Marriage lasted 11 yrs, so it was a slow process, but by the end, was just insane. She had to sign over HER paychecks to him. So, once she kicked him out, she kept her paychecks, but again, had no nest egg or extra money from before he left.

    While she has had a very hard several months, she would tell you, it is worth it! Life is too short to let yourself settle for less than just being happy.

    While it sounds like you are not being controlled and abused like my friend, I hear the same doubt in your post.

    It is normal to be unsure, BUT REMEMBER, you are STRONGER than you realize!

    I agree, talking to an atty before you do anything, can not hurt.

    I do agree on most of the posts. An addict is just that, an addict. They can not BE changed. They have to decide to change and put the work into their recovery.

    Your choices are to continue, or change your environment. You CAN NOT change him.

    Good luck!



  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,123

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    Yes, it does suck. But look at it this way: The divorce will eventually stop sucking. Can you say the same about the marriage?
    This has to be the most sensible, and truest sentence ever.

    Remember that he has everything to lose, and nothing to gain by being civilized and letting you go without a fight. I bet he will claim all kinds of reasons why he should get alimony, and assets. Whatever you do, don't confront him in person. That is the most dangerous time from what I've read.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    5,439

    Default

    I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else said, just add my own thoughts not covered. I went through this last year, but none of legal issues of marriage. The same thing had been happening for a long time and I finally just stuck it out and said he had to leave NOW and called people and told them.

    It helps if you do that so you can't back out. In your situation, I would see if I could have someone move in before, or right after, to help take care of the place for some rent. I assume there are plenty of people around who are having difficulty finding housing they can afford.

    If you kick him out, can he go somewhere?

    It's embarassing to admit this. TALK to your friends, call them, and TELL them you fear he may get violent. Tell him to leave with someone there or one the phone so someone's listening. I think once you start that process and get it out in the open, it will help make you follow through.

    I get it.



  18. #38
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2006
    Posts
    8,508

    Default

    Think of Katie Holmes.
    She woke up one day and said, "Hm, I think I've had about enough of this," and 11 days later, BOOM! Whole new life.

    Fundamentally, underneath all of the scary, it boils down to this:

    1. Get in your car.
    2. Drive where you want to go.
    3. Deal with life when you get there.

    Somewhere out there someone else is getting in their car, driving to a new place, staying with a friend/at a motel, they'll find a room to rent on Craigslist in the next couple of days, they'll start applying for jobs...
    Somewhere out there people are pressing the reset button on their life. No reason it can't be you too.



  19. #39
    Join Date
    May. 12, 2006
    Location
    Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.
    Posts
    354

    Default

    Ha! Katie Holmes decided not to renew the contract...
    My 1st husband was a mean alcoholic who was emotionally & verbally abusive. I used to read the help wanted ads in the Chronicle and fantasize about loading up my dog & horse and taking off for the east coast. But I digress...I finally left after 3 years of marriage with a 5 week old son, 2 changes of clothes, my dog & my tack trunk. Moved my horse to a place he couldn't get access to, just in case. Best decision ever. My point is that once you decide to do the hard thing you figure out how to get it done. About your place--in my experience the person who has the ability to pay the mortgage usually gets the home. Depending on where you live, it may look really bad to the court that an able-bodied man doesn't work. In my state it would certainly work against him, and a previous work history would be taken into account; it's not like he's never worked or that he's doing the necessary job of child rearing, since you don't have kids together. You mentioned a child from your 1st marriage? Think about the poor example an alcoholic stepfather sets.
    "I never met a man I didn't like who liked horses." Will Rogers



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
    Posts
    6,740

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Beentheredonethat View Post
    If you kick him out, can he go somewhere?
    Even with the courts very biased against males in divorces (and they are)...I would say this won't be happening. What makes you think she can just "kick him out?"

    It's his house too and no children (none have been mentioned at least). He's the "housewife" in this relationship and has been for years. The normal pattern in this situation (she's keeping the home/farm, he outside the house working)...he wouldn't get to kick her out.

    It should be fair and this dissolution treated the same as if she was the one at home and he was working supporting her...justice should be a two-edged sword...both treated the same. Women aren't always the victim or men always the bad guy.

    Talk to a good divorce attorney, not a "we'll screw the bugger", but one that's fair and knows his job! It won't be a pretty break-up and you may have to sell the real property but you'll be free and happier.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"



Similar Threads

  1. Got a kick out of this rooster ad!
    By Paige777 in forum The Menagerie
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: Aug. 11, 2011, 03:16 PM
  2. Kick in the a@#
    By Dapple Dawn Farm in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: Feb. 23, 2011, 04:33 PM
  3. Do you like to kick a little or pull a little?
    By ExJumper in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 55
    Last Post: Apr. 19, 2010, 07:42 AM
  4. OK, kick me now, go ahead...do it....
    By centeur in forum Off Course
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: Jan. 14, 2010, 04:08 PM
  5. Kick Chains
    By tBHj in forum Horse Care
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: Nov. 30, 2009, 01:12 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •