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  1. #1

    Default when does the grief ease?

    My mom died over a year ago on Easter Sunday. I still feel the same grief as if it were yesterday.

    My dad died in 98 and it didn't take nearly as long for the pain to ease.

    I can't figure out why I just can't move on a bit. Is it normal for this amount of heartsickness this long?

    Anyone else deal with extended grief? How did you recover?
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2007
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    I don't think a year is that long. I am absolutely *dreading* this, so while I can't commiserate with you, I feel for you
    Quarry Rat



  3. #3
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    Mom's are special. And having both parents go can leave you feeling like an orphan. There isn't a time limit for grief. I do highly recommend the book "We do not die" or "We are not Forgotten", by George Anderson. It was written by a reporter trying to prove that GA was a fraud. He ended up becoming convinced that what he did was real. Many of my friends and family have read it (some very religious, some not) and all of them said it was very comforting.



  4. #4
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Texas
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyGiantPony View Post
    My mom died over a year ago on Easter Sunday. I still feel the same grief as if it were yesterday.

    My dad died in 98 and it didn't take nearly as long for the pain to ease.

    I can't figure out why I just can't move on a bit. Is it normal for this amount of heartsickness this long?

    Anyone else deal with extended grief? How did you recover?

    I don't know that it ever really gets better, I just think that you learn to deal with it better and it's less front and center, but I think it's always there. A friend and I were just talking about this and that's kind of what we agreed on. His mother as been gone a year and my father for almost 5.
    Rhode Islands are red;
    North Hollands are blue.
    Sorry my thoroughbreds
    Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :



  5. #5
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    Dec. 18, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyGiantPony View Post
    My mom died over a year ago on Easter Sunday. I still feel the same grief as if it were yesterday.

    My dad died in 98 and it didn't take nearly as long for the pain to ease.

    I can't figure out why I just can't move on a bit. Is it normal for this amount of heartsickness this long?

    Anyone else deal with extended grief? How did you recover?
    I think the circumstances surrounding the death have a lot to do with it. My father died when I was 20; he went out to play golf and had a massive heart attack. I miss him more than I can say and it's been 31yrs.

    My mom died two years ago but she was 91 and went down hill fairly quickly. Many hospital stays and in and out of nursing homes. Finally, she just gave up in hospice and went peacefully. We had months to grieve and prepare, so in my case it was a sudden death vs a gradual realization that she was going.
    Our horses know our secrets; we braid our tears into their manes and whisper our hopes into their ears.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2001
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    California
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    MyGiantPony I'm so sorry you lost your mom and that you are still hurting so much after a year. I know how hard it is to lose mom. Perhaps you would be helped by speaking with a grief counselor to get an idea of why you are still so stricken after one year. They may help you put things into perspective and help you move on and get past the pain.

    Each person's grief is of course unique but personal experience tells me that maybe you could use a bit of outside assistance with this. A year usually makes it much easier for most people to deal with. You sound like you were very close to your mom and her passing has left a huge hole in your heart. Talk to a professional and let them gage where you are at. It just may help you deal with this. Hugs to you.
    Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!



  7. #7
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    Apr. 10, 2006
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    MGP, no words of wisdom for you, just wanted to send hugs!
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  8. #8
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    Feb. 10, 2007
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    SE Wisconsin
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    MGP: Huge, enormous, vast quantities of hugs to you! I know how you're feeling-- when my mom died in 2006, I was devastated and thought I'd never get over it.

    Time is relative. Only your mind and body know the right amount of time it will take for you to heal. One of the most helpful analogies I found was that grief is like a maze: You must wind your way out, sometimes hitting dead ends and going backwards, until you find the right path out for you.

    That said, I think if you're still so sad that dealing with everyday life is a challenge, seeking professional help is a must. Your mom would want you to be happy, and this is a way to help yourself be happier. Does that make sense?

    A lot of hospitals offer grief support groups. That might be one avenue to explore, although one-on-one counseling is excellent if you don't feel comfortable sharing with a lot of people.

    I hope I helped a little. Please PM me if you'd like.
    I loff my Quarter horse clique

    I kill threads dead!



  9. #9
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    Jun. 22, 2004
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    Thanks you guys. It's not so much that I can't function. It IS that hole in my heart.

    It's not that I was closer to one parent over the other - our relationships were just different.

    Mom was my go to gal when there were highs and lows. I don't have anyone for that anymore. I have really close friends, but it's not the same.

    I guess I do just have to let myself heal at whatever rate is right for me. I just was worried that there was something wrong with me, dragging this out or something.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



  10. #10
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    Feb. 28, 2001
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    Today would have been my dad's 88th birthday.

    He passed away on September 21, 2010.

    It is and always will be challenging.

    The first year is a blur-I was numb and have to work hard to remember a lot of it.

    Year 2 is the work-I woke up and had to face life without my dad.

    Now year 2 is closing and it is still hard but I am finding my grounding.

    But everyone's experience with grief is different!

    I attend an amazing church and the messages from the pastor have been my source of strength.



  11. #11
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    Aug. 1, 2011
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    I am so sorry. My mother died 15 years ago. We had been inseparable (unhealthily) and then estranged (I needed to separate to cope) before her death. I still grieve, but have come to incorporate her death into my life in affirmative ways. I have found channels to learn and share more about who she was, and see how she still participates and contributes to my life and others'. I've become closer to my own family and friends as a result, and find comfort in the thought that her death has simply triggered another stage in our relationship, and one that has in fact brought us closer, and brought greater understanding and peace to our entire family, though I remain frustrated that we are not in a position to compare notes!

    I still talk to her, but mostly to share jokes. I don't mean that in any creepy sense, just that I share some of her sensibilities, and they surprise me on occasion, which brings me joy.



  12. #12
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    You will eventually learn to live with your new normal. It's hard. I lost my dad when I was 8, it was sudden and unexpected. My grandpa that has been there since I was born just died three weeks ago today. I'm tearing up just typing this. I was the apple of his eye, I was definitely a "grandpa's girl" and my own 9 year old twin daughters were very close with him as well. It's SO hard. He was 83 and had alzheimer's, and honestly as sad as I am and as hard as it is to think that I won't see him again, I'm glad he still recognized us until the end. He went peacefully in a wonderful hospice house and the nurses were all there with him.

    No one ever grieves the same. I am so very, very close to my mom and I am not looking forward to the day she passes.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are coping the way you know best. If you weren't functioning and were severely depressed all the time, that would be worrisome. But you just have to hang in there and let yourself grieve. It's ok to break down and cry like it happened yesterday. I'm in my 30's and I've done that about my dad once in awhile Especially when I officially lived longer than he ever did. Just take care of yourself and pay attention to how you are feeling. You'll be fine.



  13. #13
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    I am so very sorry.

    Yes, the grief eases. My Mom died in April of last year. As with my Dad a few years before, I could see it coming long in advance, so I had the opportunity to mourn and grieve well in advance. Moreover and perhaps more importantly, all the outstanding personal issues were long resolved.

    As my second wife can attest because she heard the whole thing in the emergency room from 1000 miles away in real time phone-call by phone-call, it is an horrific shock at the end just as it had been for my Dad. But because of the anticipation and lack of unresolved issues, it was easier to heal afterward.

    Another dear friend from COTH commented that it sometimes takes two years to work through the grief for such immense losses.

    Take your time. Be open-hearted in your grief. Don't rush the healing.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  14. #14
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    Sep. 4, 2012
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    My sympathies for all of you who have lost a loved one.

    My son died a little more than a year ago. For me, the intensity of the grief, when it hits, is nearly as great as it was the night he died. What has changed is how frequently I get hit by that wave of grief. It happens much less frequently now than it did in the beginning.

    I read a bunch of books about dealing with grief and there are two that rise to the top of the pile. I've gone back and looked at them repeatedly. One is "Open to Hope," by Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. The other is "Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present," By Jack Cain and Anne Hatcher Berenberg.



  15. #15
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    Jun. 22, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoSuchPerson View Post
    My sympathies for all of you who have lost a loved one.

    My son died a little more than a year ago. For me, the intensity of the grief, when it hits, is nearly as great as it was the night he died. What has changed is how frequently I get hit by that wave of grief. It happens much less frequently now than it did in the beginning.

    I read a bunch of books about dealing with grief and there are two that rise to the top of the pile. I've gone back and looked at them repeatedly. One is "Open to Hope," by Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley. The other is "Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present," By Jack Cain and Anne Hatcher Berenberg.
    Losing a parent is normal in the course of things, as hard as it's been...I can not imagine losing my son. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Thanks for coming on here and sharing the book suggestions. I'll hit the library.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



  16. #16
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    Jul. 31, 2009
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    Pittsburgh, PA
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    I am so sorry for your loss and yes, it just takes time to adjust to life without a loved one. I lost my mom in 2008 and I still do cry because I miss her. It isn't all the time now, but when it hits, it hits hard. The times I miss her most are usually when something really great happens and she isn't physically there for me to share it with her. But I think she knows, or rather, I hope she knows.

    I think how it affects people also kind of depends on the circumstances of how someone passes. A long illness versus a sudden unexpected loss would probably affect how one processes the loss. The fact that you are kind of questioning your experience makes me think that it wouldn't hurt for you to have a talk with a counselor just to get some feedback.

    I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to find peace.



  17. #17
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    Feb. 10, 2007
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    SE Wisconsin
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    NoSuchPerson,

    I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your son. I can't imagine how devastating that must be.
    I loff my Quarter horse clique

    I kill threads dead!



  18. #18
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by RacetrackReject View Post
    I don't know that it ever really gets better, I just think that you learn to deal with it better and it's less front and center, but I think it's always there. A friend and I were just talking about this and that's kind of what we agreed on. His mother as been gone a year and my father for almost 5.
    I think this is it. It doesn't go away. You just learn to deal with. I saw a psychiatrist a few times once about something like this, and that was it. It never goes away, it just gets further in the past.

    A friend's son killed himself by jumping in front of a train over the summer. He was schizophrenic. I told her the same thing. It's OK to not be OK. It's a new normal.

    I think it helps some if you have things you HAVE to do so you can't think about it and force your brain to give you a break.



  19. #19
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    May. 5, 2008
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    Scranton, PA
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    I'm so very sad that you have to deal with this hard lot. I know all to much how you are feeling.
    My dad committed suicide when I was 16, almost 4 years ago now. I can honestly say, it hasn't gotten any easier in these past four years. I've learned how to survive, how to not think about it. No, not healthy, and that's something I'm working on. I shelter a lot of my anger and hurt and still have a very hard time with the acceptance of reality....I have to move on.
    There were many other issues surrounding my dads death, including my mother having an affair. I haven't spoken to her in over a year. In a way I've been parent less since I was 16. My mother stopped being a parent when she knew she lost my respect for her. (after she had an affair).
    It's not easy and I assume you are not 21 either. I, like you, am waiting and wondering for when and if it will get easier. I dread my wedding in a month, I don't want anyone but my dad to dance with me. And I can't stand the thought of my kids not knowing their grandfather.
    No matter the circumstances, losing a parent is heartbreaking and there is no good outcome.



  20. #20
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    I lost my mom a little over a year ago and my dad about 6 months before that. There is no right or wrong or even "normal" when it comes to grief, however if you are feeling no relief after a year I would strongly recomend that you look for some grief counciling.

    I found that I had some physical issues and chemical imbalances as well that can be caused or exaserbated by grief. Addressing those things helped as well.



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