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  1. #1
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    Apr. 28, 2009
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    Default couple not sleeping in same bed

    So I was in deep conversation with a close friend the other day and she revealed to me that she and her CL partner have not slept in the same bed for years - their setup is 2 different rooms. It started that way because she is a light sleeper and he was very restless. As time progressed the S life has diminished too. As I was listening to her, it occurred to me that they sound like they're just roomies with the occasional benefit and not really much more. Like every relationship, there are some deep ups and downs, been a couple separations in the past and get-back-togethers, but all in all, even while she didn't come out and say it (despite me asking a direct question), I know she is not happy with the sleeping arrangements. And while it is obvious that he is not happy either, they both seem to be stuck in status quo and not unhappy enough to change, or perhaps they're still trying to figure out a workable solution. In other ways, they get along quite well.

    It occurred to me that they might be better served to do as my in-laws do - - they sleep in the same room, but on twin beds they've pushed together. Again, it's to help them sleep, but still be together in the same room. My parents are late 70s' early 80's and they do sleep in separate rooms, but, as my mom has stated, they're still S-active, and once they're done, the other goes to the other bed in an entirely diferent room and they sleep. It's so they get a good night's sleep as I guess my mom snores quite loudly. I say, well, whatever works. Both sets of parents seem to have a very good, close relationship so it must be working for them.

    But before I mention to my friend about the in-laws setup (2 beds squished together same room), I wonder how many other people have a similar situation? I can't say it's a really common scenario for young, healthy, physically fit 30-40s people to be in 2 beds, but it can't be entirely unheard of either? Sleeping difficulties are more common than one at first realizes. Does anyone else have a similar situation?
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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 17, 2007
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    Meadowview VA
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    Default

    We knew an older couple ( my parents' age) that did the twin beds but not next to each other. Don't know about their "canoeing" practices, however. :-)

    A friend I have now sleeps in a separate room from her DH because he snores terribly. He is more fond of canoeing than she is but I don't know the arrangements for that.



  3. #3
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    Jul. 20, 2007
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    Rising Sun, MD
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    Default

    Well DH and I work opposite shifts so we sleep in the same bed just not at the same time. Honestly the 2 nights a week that we do sleep in bed together I have a terrible time sleeping and end up sleeping on the floor or the couch quite often. I much prefer sleeping by myself.
    “While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.” Mark Twain



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2011
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    Idaho
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    658

    Default

    Oh! This was just discussed on the John Tesh radio show! "Scientifically proven" that people sleep better in seperate beds & that historically people didn't sleep in the same bed until the industrial revolution when we all got squished into cities.



  5. #5
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    Jul. 15, 2010
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    86

    Default

    Currently 52 yrs old. Have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for geesh over 10 years! Hubby moved out when he had a bad cold. Said he was sleeping great, I said I was too so he stayed in the spare bedroom! Sex life is fine! Always a big decision on which bed to use! He snores and moves around in bed, I don't move at all so was always waking up. It's worked for us but I can see how a couple could let it slide into a roommate type situation.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug. 7, 2005
    Location
    Georgia
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    2,590

    Default

    Dh and I have separate bedrooms and have for a good twenty years.
    I love it. I want and need my own private space and have never enjoyed sleeping with another human being. Dog or cat is okay.

    Growing up I had my own room, dh didn't and he protested at first but he has learned to like it, too.

    The canoeing.... well that is private but I will say there are more interesting places than a bedroom.
    You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.



  7. #7
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    Mar. 3, 2007
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    North-Central IL
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    Default

    Not unheard of, my parents sleep separately. Apparently I'm an odd duck, I sleep much better NOT alone. I keep a long pillow and stuffed animal on the other side of my full bed
    Quote Originally Posted by enjoytheride View Post
    That's got to be expensive, how much oil can you press out of a chipmunk?



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2002
    Location
    Boogerville, USA
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    858

    Cool

    I have had "separate rooms" with my legal roommate for over 15 years. We are completely un-interested in each other.

    ... That said, I also got a boyfriend 10 years younger over 2 years ago.

    Though BF and I have parted ways, I would not be against getting another one, if the right one came along.



    ~ I'd zip-up my flame suit, but it's already too hot and muggy here, so fire at will: I would do it all over again.


    < stayin' >



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    Default

    My experience is that a king-sized bed with a mattress comfortable in terms of firmness for both (and so it doesn't roll the two of you to the middle), solved a lot of the poor night's sleep issues from before then, including one person either getting up due to wakefulness during the night or having to use the bathroom without disturbing the other.

    I cannot imagine a healthy relationship where both people sleep in separate rooms.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s with the years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
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    Center of the Universe
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    7,806

    Default

    I cannot imagine a healthy relationship where both people sleep in separate rooms.
    I think it could make the relationship far better- better sleep for both partners, and instead of trying to displace sleep-time to make room for sex-time, you instead arrange for special time/place for sex-time.
    Plus not having to deal with morning breath n night farts could possibly help keep the romance alive.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
    Location
    Connecticut
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    9,067

    Default

    I'm a light sleeper and my DH sometimes snores. Not loud, but enough to wake me up multiple times a night.

    I even have a fan by the bed side and earplugs.

    Some mornings I'm so exhausted, I'll sleep until mid-afternoon.

    We have a twin bed in our den and yes, I've slept on that several times when I know I won't get a decent nights sleep.

    He gets his sleep and I get mine.

    Does anyone have any anti-snore remedies? Maybe I'll make another post just for this...
    MnToBe Twinkle Star: "Twinkie"
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    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  12. #12
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    May. 6, 2003
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    Default

    My parents (married 43 years) and grandparents (married 65+ years) both have (or had, in the case of my grandparents) separate rooms for many, many years. Both my father and grandfather snore terribly (as in you can hear it down the hall) and it was impossible for their partners to sleep at all if they were in the same room.

    In their cases -- and quite a few others -- separate rooms improved the health of the relationships. It's really hard to feel loving toward your partner when you lie awake all night wondering if a jury would let you off if you make a recording of the snoring before you put the pillow over his head.
    According to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.



  13. #13
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    Jun. 15, 2010
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rodawn View Post
    I can't say it's a really common scenario for young, healthy, physically fit 30-40s people to be in 2 beds

    Says who? I know a fair number of "young, healthy, physically
    fit" couples who choose to sleep in separate beds. Commonly cited reasons:
    very different schedules, one parent handles night time child needs to give the other stay at home parent a break, insomnia, snoring, sleep apnea and the accompanying machine, pregnant wife wants more space, extreme different temperatures or sleeping arrangements needed to get a productive night of sleep, restless sleeper with a quiet sleeper, personal preferences, etc.

    If you are asleep then does it really matter who is or is not in your bed?

    As long as both people are happy I don't see why it is a big deal.



  14. #14
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    Mar. 31, 2006
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    282

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by loshad View Post
    . It's really hard to feel loving toward your partner when you lie awake all night wondering if a jury would let you off if you make a recording of the snoring before you put the pillow over his head.
    Bwahahahaha

    Couldn't have said it better myself!



  15. #15
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    Apr. 28, 2009
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    Alberta's bread basket
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GraceLikeRain View Post

    Originally Posted by rodawn

    I can't say it's a really common scenario for young, healthy, physically fit 30-40s people to be in 2 beds


    Says who? I know a fair number of "young, healthy, physically
    fit" couples who choose to sleep in separate beds. Commonly cited reasons:
    very different schedules, one parent handles night time child needs to give the other stay at home parent a break, insomnia, snoring, sleep apnea and the accompanying machine, pregnant wife wants more space, extreme different temperatures or sleeping arrangements needed to get a productive night of sleep, restless sleeper with a quiet sleeper, personal preferences, etc.

    If you are asleep then does it really matter who is or is not in your bed?

    As long as both people are happy I don't see why it is a big deal.
    And taken out of context to the rest of that sentence that says, "but can't be entirely unheard of either".

    For exactly the reasons you stated.

    The point of my post is that SHE IS NOT HAPPY with the arrangements, so sleeping in separate rooms is not working for her.

    However, the point of getting a second bed in the room to be together and apart when they want may be much more appealing and satisfying.
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  16. #16
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Default

    Eh, We've had this thread before. You find what works for the both of you, and that's good.

    SO is 6'4", doesn't need much sleep, and snores like a freight train. I like cuddling with him and he does me, for awhile, then we both get hot, or I have to make him sleep back to me so I don't go deaf from snoring.

    I have a Beagle that snores, too. Sometimes when I'm alone in my bed and I hear ungodly snoring, I can't tell whether it's SO, the Beagle, or both.

    I need sleep, like 8 to 10 hours. I cannot function without it, so this is the way that works.



  17. #17
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    Jul. 19, 2003
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    Middleburg, VA
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    Default

    I just have to say I find this thread for heartening.

    I HATE sharing my bed to sleep. The few guys I have shared with have made for very bad/no sleep for me. I am an "active" sleeper (one BF said I fought ninjas in my sleep. He was a, umm, close sleeper...I don't know how I didn't give that poor, sweet guy a bloody nose. Oh wait! I never fell asleep!! ). I think I may keep myself awake because I am constantly worried I will disturb my bed mate. I must be a light sleeper, too, because it is easy to wake me. And I get very hot, very easily (I keep my room ice box cold at night so I can sleep well). The extra human body heat makes me very uncomfortable. (We won't discuss the fact that I can sleep, quite well, with multiple animals, as long as the room is cool enough).

    It has been eluded to me that my distaste for bed sharing may be an issue if and when I am ever ready to pursue a long term, committed relationship. My response has been either my partner will accept it because it is who I am, or, I will get used to it when I have to get used to it (though, I have spent many nights at a time with someone, and haven't gotten used to it!).

    Reading all these stories of successful, happy relationships WITH decent sex lives makes me feel A) less like a freak and B) vindicated. Thanks!

    (I also feel sorry for my poor mom who spent 35 years with a man who snored like a chainsaw...how the HELL did she sleep!?!)



  18. #18
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    Feb. 6, 2000
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    MA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adamantane View Post

    I cannot imagine a healthy relationship where both people sleep in separate rooms.

    You have a limited imagination.
    "It's like a Russian nesting doll of train wrecks."--CaitlinandTheBay

    ...just settin' on the Group W bench.



  19. #19
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    Apr. 10, 2006
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    7,401

    Default

    My grandparents had separate bedrooms and bathrooms for as long as I remember, and were quite content.

    Currently, Mr. FG and I take turns caring for our son at night. He sleeps in our room and one of us sleeps in his room. It's not exactly fun, just what we do, and has essentially been like this since he was born. I do miss him.

    However, I will say I don't miss his snoring!!!
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  20. #20
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    Aug. 1, 2002
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    Georgia
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    Default

    Well, sorry to be Debbie Downer, but there may come a time when you do in fact, miss your partner's snoring. :,(



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