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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2009
    Location
    The Left Coast
    Posts
    3,318

    Default The Mourning Thread

    I come from a large family, the the oldest of us, my only brother, just died of cancer.

    His wife let my older sister know that she would be calling her with any info, and then my sister would call all of us. It's just sort of weird because my SIL's family were much closer to him (her kids and grandkids). I want to call her or go over to see her but don't want to be in the way. It's just sad and awkward at the same time.

    Sucks.

    Anyone else grieving right now?
    2012 goal: learn to ride like a Barn Rat

    A helmet saved my life.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2010
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    249

    Default

    I am not grieving, but wanted to say I am sorry for your loss.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,399

    Default

    I am very sorry for the loss of your brother.

    If you are close by and are trying to think of ways to assist, food or flowers dropped off are often useful and appreciated. It always helps me with my personal grief to actually do something, like make a meal, because I feel so useless otherwise. You might also ask if she needs a hand cleaning up the house, etc. getting it presentable for visitors. Often people are too overwhelmed to worry about cleaning the bathroom but then wish it was done once a visitor needs to use it.

    ((hugs)) Take care of yourself.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,681

    Default

    I am so sorry for losing your brother.

    Are you close at all to your SIL? It totally depends on the personality, but nothing wrong with stopping by, saying you don't want to be in the way, but wanted her to know you were thinking of her and wanted to be of any help you could, give her a hug and, then either stay or leave. idon't think there is anything wrong with offering support!!

    I hope you are getting a lot of support from your family! Its interesting around grief and loss, I don't think many of us are "good" at it! And people will say things like "well s/he's in a better place", "at least it was quick" or "at least you had time to prepare" or whatever but that doesn't really address the fact that I MISS THEM!! I WASN'T DONE YET! sometimes those comments speak to the head and not the heart!

    I found I could not predict which of my friends could show up for my grief and which just couldn't. But some were able to show up, say things like "tell me about X" which allowed me to cry and TALK about the person. And forget the "stages" of grief, most of us go through those "stages" about five times an hour! Time helps a lot.

    i might also recommend a fabulous book called the Grief recovery handbook (I think). Just a wonderful book, don't have to do all the stuff in it (but the exercises do help).

    Again, I am so sorry about your brother and I hope you have a lot of supportive people around you!



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 6, 2005
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    227

    Default

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother.

    When I lost my mom last year, the hardest (unexpected) thing was that everyone left me alone right after she died. There were cards, yes, but very few phone calls and no visits. I felt so alone (and I'm kind of a loner!).

    I do have great friends (don't live near family), but I think everyone assumes you leave the mourner alone to mourn. I would have loved a short visit and a hug from about anyone at that point. No words or awkward conversation necessary. I would imagine your SIL (and you) would be consoled by any gesture of reaching out. Wish you both much peace in this difficult time.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2009
    Posts
    2,576

    Default

    My dad passed away almost a month ago.

    I am over it. I think I was upset a total of a few minutes, sorry to say. But, there you have it. My sisters, were not at all upset.

    He was not a nice person, sorry to say. He lived with many facades. He was also a gambling addict. It controlled his life literally.

    OTOH I am still not over my heart dog dying 6 years ago. She was a nice dog and a super friend. I have her ashes on my dresser, and I want mine and hers to be "let loose" together when I die and am cremated. Miss her terribly. So much has happened I wish I could tell her. tears.

    Sorry for your losses. I am sure they were wonderful people.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 1999
    Location
    Rochester, NY
    Posts
    12,424

    Default

    I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard, no matter what. I just lost my Aunt, who was like my second Mother, in the beginning of June.

    I experienced the "let her alone to grieve" syndrome, also. And, I really needed a shoulder to cry on. So, don't assume that everyone wants to be alone to grieve. You just have to feel it out, sometimes. And, if you don't know what to say, sometimes just sitting with the person who is grieving helps a great deal.
    Originally Posted by Alagirl
    We just love to shame poor people...when in reality, we are all just peasants.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 10, 2002
    Location
    Area VIII, Region 2, Zone 5.
    Posts
    6,761

    Default

    I wanted to add my condolences, I'm really sorry you've lost your brother.
    Quote Originally Posted by Linny View Post
    Those martingales were so taut, you could play Ode to Joy on them with a comb



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov. 28, 2000
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    10,764

    Default

    Adding my heartfelt condolences THP, and to you Louise on the loss of your aunt.

    THP, I think you should call your sisterinlaw, go over,- your whole family is grieving and each person does it differently. But genuine caring, a show of affection and sympathy is never inappropriate.

    Very often people say things like 'let me know if there is anything I can do'.
    I'm sure they mean it, but few of us would ever ask for help in anyway.

    When my father died, I came home from making funeral arrangements, got changed and headed out to finish my barn chores.
    I was stunned to see all the stalls beautifully cleaned and bedded, buckets filled, and fresh hay in all the stalls.
    A wonderful friend had come by and knew just the thing to help me.
    and I have never forgotten her kindness.

    My husband's mother died two weeks ago, and we are working through his feelings of loss and grief. Meanwhile, his father is close to death in a nursing home.
    So much loss all at once for him.

    take care.
    A FINE ROMANCE - JC Reg Thoroughbred - GOLD Premium CSHA - ISR/OLDNA Approved
    CSHA Brickenden Stallion Award Winner - for Performance offspring.
    Please visit A Fine Romance on FB!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2009
    Location
    The Left Coast
    Posts
    3,318

    Default

    Thanks, everyone. At least he quit drinking a few years ago and righted some things in his life. I called my SIL and left a message. I think I need to spend some time with my sisters and just talk.

    My brother had a complicated and difficult relationship with his family. We saw him once a year if we were lucky. This had changed in the last few years, but since his diagnosis, I spent a total of 5 hours visiting and talking and this was the most I have ever talked to him in my life. (There was a big age difference). Yet I cherish those times and have great affection for my SIL.

    It's just hard.

    rmh, I understand your post completely! Getting a dog changed my life. Love of dogs was something my brother and I shared.
    2012 goal: learn to ride like a Barn Rat

    A helmet saved my life.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,681

    Default

    I'm glad you got to spend time with him! And that you shared love of dogs! I think spending time talking with your sisters sounds like a great idea. I actually had a kid tell me friends were like green lights/red lights-hang with the green lights and don't wait around until the red ones turn green! I spent time with those who could show up for me and were supportive (not,"you should be over this by now!!"

    Some people are just not comfortable around grief (my DH, who is the "well everyone has to go sometime, its natural" type. He is wonderful at many things but processing grief, not so much). When I was in high school, I remember my mom taking over a bunch of food to a family of a man who was dying of brain cancer. Honestly, I was sort of terrified and, if up to me, I would have rung the doorbell, thrust the food at whoever answered, mumbled something about being sorry, and bolted. I just didn't know what to do!

    My mom thankfully was NOT like that, and when the woman answered the door, just embraced her and the woman sort of collapsed in her arms. I stood awkwardly behind her, but got a great example of showing up (and it was not so scary!)

    I love the example of cleaning stalls for someone, cleaning bathrooms, and so agree that cooking does make us feel like we are doing something and really, when in the middle of funerals, relatives, and all that its great NOT to have to cook!!

    Thats wonderful about him stopping drinking as well, and getting to make some amends.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2006
    Posts
    699

    Default

    My condolences to those who've lost loved ones.. brother, father, heart dog, mother in law...

    My Gramma passed away a few months ago just shy of her 99th birthday. There was a reason she was on this Earth so long, and I know it was because of me. My family has issues.. like major issues. She was my person. She was my whole world. Relatives lived close, but never went to visit. Work moved me 500 miles away, but I would drive of fly down every 3-4 weeks for a long weekend to see her, do chores, shopping, whatever.

    I was with her, holding her hand, when she passed. It was a relatively quick process. She got sick and passed away within a week or so. Hospice, at home, in her own bed, just the way she wanted it. After she passed I sat with her for a few minutes, then went to the track at 3:30a to see my favorite horse that I gallop. I had one of the grooms throw me up on him in his stall and laid on him for over 3 hours. He's a flipping racehorse and should have killed me! He knew something was up and literally just stood there and ate his hay while I laid there crying my eyes out. To this day, I think about my Gramma every day. I miss her so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I feel so all alone in the world.

    A month after she passed I caught my SO of more than a year cheating. Not just cheating, but had a full on girlfriend in another town...and the kicker.. he'd been with her for 3 years, but because he traveled so much for work, I had no idea I was the "other woman".

    The only good thing right now... the horse that comforted me when my Gramma died.. the owner wanted to retire him and gave him to me. Today was the first ride of my now OTTB. Just yesterday he was still an on-the track TB. I think my Gramma had something to do with the universe set that up for me.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    4,317

    Default

    thehorseproblem-I'm here just an hour and half away, if you want to come up look me up. I have a brother and my 12 year old son reminds me of him every day, they look so much a like and are both too goofy.

    So sorry about your brother, I'm not close to mine. My son says he is sorry-he just came in and read my message. Hugs, my family and I are not close and I am the youngest.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2008
    Location
    Greeley, Colorado
    Posts
    3,869

    Default

    I am so sorry to everyone who is going through this.

    I lost my mom almost 2 years ago, but due to my age at the time and some other factors, I never really faced it. When it's finally caught up with me and I am grieving after the fact. My mom and I were VERY close and I was an only child. She was my very very best friend and I lost her abruptly. It still hurts A LOT to think about, but slowly the sad memories are being replaced with happy. I still miss her every single day though
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate



  15. #15
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2009
    Location
    The Left Coast
    Posts
    3,318

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GallopGirl View Post
    My condolences to those who've lost loved ones.. brother, father, heart dog, mother in law...

    My Gramma passed away a few months ago just shy of her 99th birthday. There was a reason she was on this Earth so long, and I know it was because of me. My family has issues.. like major issues. She was my person. She was my whole world. Relatives lived close, but never went to visit. Work moved me 500 miles away, but I would drive of fly down every 3-4 weeks for a long weekend to see her, do chores, shopping, whatever.

    I was with her, holding her hand, when she passed. It was a relatively quick process. She got sick and passed away within a week or so. Hospice, at home, in her own bed, just the way she wanted it. After she passed I sat with her for a few minutes, then went to the track at 3:30a to see my favorite horse that I gallop. I had one of the grooms throw me up on him in his stall and laid on him for over 3 hours. He's a flipping racehorse and should have killed me! He knew something was up and literally just stood there and ate his hay while I laid there crying my eyes out. To this day, I think about my Gramma every day. I miss her so much sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I feel so all alone in the world.

    A month after she passed I caught my SO of more than a year cheating. Not just cheating, but had a full on girlfriend in another town...and the kicker.. he'd been with her for 3 years, but because he traveled so much for work, I had no idea I was the "other woman".

    The only good thing right now... the horse that comforted me when my Gramma died.. the owner wanted to retire him and gave him to me. Today was the first ride of my now OTTB. Just yesterday he was still an on-the track TB. I think my Gramma had something to do with the universe set that up for me.
    Wow...what a story!

    What would we do without the healing power of these amazing creatures?

    It's so comforting to know that I am not alone. Hang in there, Dani.
    2012 goal: learn to ride like a Barn Rat

    A helmet saved my life.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 26, 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    734

    Default

    Beloved grandparents and heart dogs don't die. I refuse to believe it. My heart is with all of you!

    My riding buddy passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in March. We had spent the day at a schooling show, then she was farm-sitting and passed away in her sleep. It's been hard.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 12, 2011
    Posts
    1,097

    Default

    I'm sorry for everyone's losses.

    I lost my godmother two years ago, and I'm still not over it. She was a surrogate grandmother to me...never had real grandparents. I love her so much, and miss her every day.
    "A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart, and wins with his character." - Tesio



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Apr. 3, 2004
    Location
    Wellington
    Posts
    76

    Default

    My boyfriend died in his sleep on May 28. From my experience as I go through the grieving process my advice is 1) call you SIL, let her talk, go over to see her. I appreciated every single person who reached out to me; 2) continue to call after the initial time period/funeral/other memorial. I knew that everyone else's life was going to go on and the calls etc would stop, but it's still hard; 3) don't forget to let yourself grieve.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 4, 2003
    Location
    Dallas, Georgia
    Posts
    16,747

    Default

    I'm mourning with COTH's own Freebird, who lost her young husband of only 2 years. He passed suddenly 3 weeks ago. Their 18 m/o daughter looks exactly like him and misses her Daddy.
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 21, 2003
    Location
    living the dream in Chester County
    Posts
    677

    Default condolences

    My condolences on your loss and to the rest of your family. Take the time to reach out to them and be with them as you can - it will be much appreciated later both by them and help you with better memories.

    My Dad died 2 years ago. My dressage coach's Mom passed away a few months before. After my lesson (usually in the evening) we usually talk about things - news from other horsey people, etc., and sometimes the topic wanders to our family - we both have relatives who are getting more and more frail, so that making time to see them NOW is a priority as well as our everyday life. It helps so much to be able to talk to someone in a quiet, reflective way and be allowed to be sad (I still miss my Dad and she misses her Mom) and I think it will for a long time. It's not every week, but just every so often, that we talk about them, and it's a comfort to be able to share.
    Forward...go forward



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