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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
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    Coatesville, Pa.
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    Default Dear God I think I am nuts.... **Updated** I am nuts now.

    Ok I know I'm not nuts but let me explain...

    I'll be 41 in August. Been with John for 2 years. He's 51, has two kids from 1st marriage (Ages 15 and 19) and now we're starting to "plan" to "try" to get pregnant.

    Ok backing up more.... I have wanted to be a mother since I was 7. I know that sounds warped but I have old school papers written on what career I wanted... both said 1 answer: Mother.

    Worse it's lasted my whole life that I wanted kids, but only in the right situation with the right guy. I got pregnant when I was 24 and that was 1.) a huge surprise and 2.) soooooooooo NOT the right guy. I made the decision to end it as the lamp whizzed by my head and shattered against the wall behind me. (Thrown by daddy to be.....yea.... not gonna happen) It was an incredibly hard decision then, but I have never regretted it for one day. I do regret having had to make that call, but never the choice I made.

    So here we are.... nearly 41, still want a kid pretty badly and now we're planning...

    And what's my reaction.... shock and awe. Like.... OMG..... am I really going to do this?

    Now don't get me wrong... still very much want to, but somewhere between 24 and 40 with failed relationships, loneliness and broken hearts it stayed on the "to do" list in that kind of "Oh yea I have to remember to buy Milk at the store" type of thing, but now actually walking towards doing it is sooooo wonderfully and terrifyingly scary.

    Tell me I am not the first nearly sr citizen to feel this. Tell me I am not nuts.

    John's fully on board.. and I have started prenatal vitamins and the IUD will be coming out at the end of this month. (Trying to have at least the rest of this year to ride. Figure out by Aug, body back to "norm" by Oct-Nov....takes 6-12 months to catch..BEST CASE. Already have clinic referrals to get checked for fertility status and so on )

    It's just kind of a strange moment to be walking towards something I have always wanted. You see I am the type to take the bulls by the horns. I don't wait, I don't put things I want off. But since this required 2 people to want it wholly and completely... I dunno... It's just wild.

    OK so that's what I know. And John did ask my dad for my "hand" 2 weeks ago. So that's on the to do list too. Not engaged yet... but its out there. Man what a wild ride sometimes.

    Any and all comments are welcome.

    ~Emily
    Last edited by Xctrygirl; Sep. 4, 2012 at 08:00 PM.
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2006
    Location
    Maine
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    1,912

    Default

    With your age, I'd suggest a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist asap



  3. #3
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    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marshfield View Post
    With your age, I'd suggest a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist asap
    Yes, and keep in mind that the best laid plans need to be based in reality. And, for your own protection and possibly a child, best get married before conceiving unless you're willing and able to care for a child on your own.
    Last edited by LauraKY; Jul. 2, 2012 at 11:43 AM.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
    Location
    Coatesville, Pa.
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    Default

    We have done some tests... Obviously the IUD prevents a full battery, but we did some to check on the basics and so far so good.

    We do have plans to see some specialists, but I think I need to get back to a contraceptive free body first before I know what we need and so on.

    But both my GP and OB-GYN and their affiliated practices have been involved and we have a referral to a fertility specialist that's connected to my OB-GYN practice. (Think big prominent network in this area, not just 1 office. And MANY doctors)

    I had a number of ultrasounds last year because of a ovarian cyst (it was fine and popped and went away like a good cyst should!) So we have slightly more to work with than normal coming into this.

    ~Emily
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2010
    Location
    North Carolina
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    985

    Default

    Nah, you're not nuts.... I hope it all goes as planned for you and that on an OT day in the near future, you'll update that you are pregnant.

    I wouldn't trade my two teens for anything. Most days. But I love them all days, always!
    Alis volat propriis.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
    Location
    Coatesville, Pa.
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LauraKY View Post
    Yes, and keep in mind that the best laid plans need to be based in reality.
    Yep. We're both firmly in the "what will be, will be" mindset.

    Adoption is a fall back option. But I did want to try with my own body.

    ~Emily
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2008
    Posts
    4,538

    Default

    Nope you are not alone. My sister did this & had the most beautiful daughter. Daughter just graduated from law school (to put a reference on when it was and the fact it happened).

    If you have waited and planned and want this, go for it.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,366

    Default

    Best of luck, OP. Jingles for a quick plus sign and a healthy pregnancy!

    I gave birth in DC and average age for first time moms at my hospital was 38!! You are the new normal but so is needing some help, via IVF, IUI, etc. so ASAP is a good time to start.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
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    Coatesville, Pa.
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    Default

    OK well 38 is great news. Still was 3 years ago LOL.

    Just kidding.

    I did start reading some very interesting stuff, and yes I realize there are all sorts of things one can "read up" and not all are necessarily right.

    But I found some thought provoking articles about how a lot of "fertility specialists" jump in and do egg harvesting or IVF and don't stop and investigate what is specifically causing some women not to get pregnant on their own. And that in some cases where women did thousands of dollars of treatments and were pronounced infertile. Then they, as a last hope, tried a different place with a different approach of understanding the problems first, and then treating the problems and clearing them before trying to get pregnant. And voila... a bunch of women who weren't able to conceive with "help" were able to catch on their own once their actual fertility problems were addressed and fixed. And this was stuff as simple as a blockage in their fallopian tubes that required a minor surgery, or a low grade infection that caused their eggs to not be as healthy.

    I know there's tons of stuff to read, but I liked the idea of getting my body super healthy (on better diet, less caffeine, sugars, fats etc) and going through the process of sorting out what's what and trying to keep it as "natural" as possible before jumping to all the "modern medicine." I can always go the IVF route.... and I think I'd prefer to not fix what doesn't need fixing.

    (disclaimer: I reserve the right to be naive and think I can do this on my own at 41.... LOL )

    ~Emily
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2006
    Posts
    7,355

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Xctrygirl View Post
    O

    But I found some thought provoking articles about how a lot of "fertility specialists" jump in and do egg harvesting or IVF and don't stop and investigate what is specifically causing some women not to get pregnant on their own. And that in some cases where women did thousands of dollars of treatments and were pronounced infertile. Then they, as a last hope, tried a different place with a different approach of understanding the problems first, and then treating the problems and clearing them before trying to get pregnant. And voila... a bunch of women who weren't able to conceive with "help" were able to catch on their own once their actual fertility problems were addressed and fixed. And this was stuff as simple as a blockage in their fallopian tubes that required a minor surgery, or a low grade infection that caused their eggs to not be as healthy.
    This was my experience. I am a "why" person and when we consulted a fertility specialist after 2 miscarriages and several years of TTC without luck, docs just kept saying "meh you're young we'll just give you a little of this and a little of that and it will work." I did not like that they just wanted to throw a bunch of meds and hormones at me without figuring out WHY things were not working.

    I do know people who had success that way, but I know many more who spend huge amounts of money and still ended up without a viable pregnancy. Which is why we ended up putting our $ in adoption instead, as I knew it was a "sure thing."

    We did in fact adopt a beautiful baby girl in 2006, and in 2009 I very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with our son... 6 years after we had first started trying to conceive. I actually was not happy at first, as I had put the whole pregnancy notion to rest, life was settled and we were happy with one kid. So it took me awhile to come around to it. Of course, now he is a silly 2 year old and I can't imagine NOT having him!

    Anyway motherhood is an amazing, wild, difficult, fun journey.... no matter how it is achieved! There are many ways to build a family, but I promise the end result is essentially the same. Good luck and I wish you all the best!
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2003
    Location
    Denver, CO
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    3,797

    Smile

    We did in fact adopt a beautiful baby girl in 2006, and in 2009 I very unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with our son... 6 years after we had first started trying to conceive.
    That is fairly common, and I have known 4 women who had this experience. One of them is someone I have known for 35 years; she got married young to her highschool sweetheart and they spent about 8 YEARS trying to get pregnant on their own. They finally adopted a baby girl and were pregnant naturally (surprise!) within 6 months. They then had another planned pregnancy, and then their fourth and last child was another surprise. I think besides all the potential problems stated earlier in this thread, my friend was under so much pressure to get pregnant that the stress caused her body additional physiological issues.
    If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2007
    Location
    Heaven on Earth--Sonoma County, CA
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    1,557

    Default

    Hey Em: I will think lots of happy baby thoughts for you.

    I very unexpectedly found myself pregnant in 2009 at the ripe old age of 36. My son will turn three this October. He's the most amazing little creature, and the love of my life. I was terrified and unsure if I wanted to be a Mom. Now I can't imagine my life without him.

    So that's the fun, happy part.

    Now for the not so fun. While I think I'm a better Mom due to my age, I was a crappy breeder. My pregnancy was horrible, and I was bed-ridden for most of it. While many older ladies have fine pregnancies, when you are making your plans for the next year, you should have some backup plans, because the odds are that as a "woman of advanced maternal age' (that's the lovely technical term the dr's will use) your chances of having those kinds of complications will be higher. Have a plan about what you will do career and horse wise if you end up in bed for 9 months. Because it can happen.

    And, don't take lightly the fertility treatments. I have two cousins who have and are doing them, and they aren't for the faint of heart. It was more than I was willing to do, that's for sure. Even knowing now how amazing my son is, I'm not sure I could go through what they have. And mine will be an only child, because I can't imagine going through that pregnancy again.

    All that negativity being said, I wouldn't trade my son for the world. I wish you so much luck.

    Oh, and PS, I don't care if you're SO is the second coming of Ghandi, make him put a ring on it before the kiddo gets here. I've got no moral issue over being married or not, but your child deserves the protection of the mariage license. If he can't commit to that, how can he commit to the kiddo?
    Phoenix Farm ~ Breeding-Training-Sales
    Eventing, Dressage, Young Horses
    www.phoenixsporthorses.com
    Check out my new blog: http://califcountrymom.blogspot.com



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    11,372

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    Wishing you the best. We visited a fertility specialist this spring and IVF is really our only option because hubby had a vasectomy 12 years ago. It sounds scary and scary expensive. But if other stuff can work out in our world with the kids we have now (2 from his previous marriage), then I would really love to have my own.

    So I get it....and I wish you the very very best!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov. 5, 2002
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    way out west
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    My mom had her last child at 43. I was the "baby" at 13, so there was a big gap and it was sort of a shock. He's the best brother ever, and I admire her courage. She did say it was annoying that people have always assumed she was the grandmother, so brace yourself for that possibility.



  15. #15
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    Sep. 5, 2005
    Location
    Mass.
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFarm View Post
    Oh, and PS, I don't care if you're SO is the second coming of Ghandi, make him put a ring on it before the kiddo gets here. I've got no moral issue over being married or not, but your child deserves the protection of the mariage license. If he can't commit to that, how can he commit to the kiddo?
    Yes.
    I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov. 28, 2000
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    10,672

    Thumbs up

    I don't have any advice XCg - just lots of good luck wishes coming your way.

    I too will be looking forward to a happy update on our next offtopic day!
    A FINE ROMANCE - JC Reg Thoroughbred - GOLD Premium CSHA - ISR/OLDNA Approved
    CSHA Brickenden Stallion Award Winner - for Performance offspring.
    Please visit A Fine Romance on FB!



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2001
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    Coatesville, Pa.
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    Default

    Without going into some familial issues on my side I want to clarify that John wants to marry me in the next 3 months. I however am putting it off because for reasons I do not care to go into, my father won't be available to attend until next fall.

    It's my one and only wedding and I won't do it without my dad. He understands and is suggesting I put the baby first also.

    And yes my folks would help/throw some support my way if I ended up as a single mom as well.

    ~Emily
    "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all." ~2001 The Princess Diaries



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul. 25, 2003
    Location
    Boston Area
    Posts
    8,394

    Default

    No, you're not crazy. Sometimes the stars don't align for awhile.

    I hope you conceive quickly and have an uneventful pregnancy.
    Equine Ink - My soapbox for equestrian writings & reviews.
    EquestrianHow2 - Operating instructions for your horse.



  19. #19
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    Sep. 18, 2002
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    Tampa, FL
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    I had one at 34 and one at 38. While not ideal (would have been younger) I had fairly easy pregnancies with preclampsia right at the end (37 weeks on). That part sucked, but being a more mature parent is ok. My husband was 44 and 48 when our girls were born.
    Beth Davidson
    Black Dog Farm Connemaras & Sport Horses
    http://blackdogconnemara.com
    visit my blog: http://ponyeventer.blogspot.com



  20. #20
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    38 for me. I had a couple of miscarriages but a pretty fatalistic attitude so I never did get into that cycle of trying and failing and living by the thermometer and the calendar and spending loads of money as several people I knew did. I became a vegan after the first miscarriage and quit after the second, then became pregnant again entirely too soon, like two months?

    Being a mature parent has its advantages. More stability in your life, a little better set on the housing and money front, life experience that made me less reactive, first aid classes, stuff like that.
    But it really wore me out and I had to go on light duty at work, was gestationally diabetic so my fingers were a mess from blood sampling, couldn't sleep, had restless leg, got overheated once and had to spend a night in the ER with vomiting and dehydration, fun fun. I took care of myself but didn't tell anyone apart from DH until after the amniocentesis and I was pretty sure it would stick.
    I was also "unsure", but time waits for no one and it's rarely exactly the right time.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



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