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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
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    nj
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    seems that every time $ gets tight my SO starts throwing my horse expenses in my face.
    i don't understand his position. i am willing to take on extra jobs to support my 'horse habit', yet, that's unsatisfactory to him because it takes away from the time i could be spending with him.
    what does he expect me to do? get rid of the horse? that's totally out of the question! knowing what role horses play in my life, why would he get involved with me if he disapproves?
    he's laid off, i'm paying most of the bills and he tells me that he's getting screwed.
    i feel angry and hurt. i support my horse with my $. i pay my share of the bills. i don't see how i'm contributing to his financial distress.
    needed to vent.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    nj
    Posts
    8,811

    Default

    seems that every time $ gets tight my SO starts throwing my horse expenses in my face.
    i don't understand his position. i am willing to take on extra jobs to support my 'horse habit', yet, that's unsatisfactory to him because it takes away from the time i could be spending with him.
    what does he expect me to do? get rid of the horse? that's totally out of the question! knowing what role horses play in my life, why would he get involved with me if he disapproves?
    he's laid off, i'm paying most of the bills and he tells me that he's getting screwed.
    i feel angry and hurt. i support my horse with my $. i pay my share of the bills. i don't see how i'm contributing to his financial distress.
    needed to vent.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 20, 1999
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    14,658

    Default

    Maybe that's a bit extreme.

    Was he more understanding about the horse part of your life before he got laid off? I bet he is feeling insignificant and is blaming it on what he sees as a preoccupation with horses over his feelings.

    (I am leaning towards the Ditch Him side) [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

    Friendship is Love without his wings
    -Lord Byron
    "If you would have only one day to live, you should spend at least half of it in the saddle."



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2002
    Location
    Hot Springs, AR
    Posts
    1,122

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    Get rid of the SO-- More time for horses!! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img].

    Sarah

    "Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping."~ Julius Hare
    ________
    Sarah
    formerly known as Alohamora
    \"Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one\'s horse as he is leaping.\"~ Julius Hare



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2001
    Location
    Long Island, NY
    Posts
    2,553

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    Definitely leaning toward the "ditch him" suggestion.

    Regardless of the reasons, that attitude will not lead to a happy relationship with a horse owner. Sounds like the kind of guy who wants you to make him your whole life, Blechh!
    www.sandbarequinetransport.com

    Proud member of the ILMD[FN]HP and Bull Snap Haters Cliques



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2000
    Location
    Charm City, hon
    Posts
    5,234

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    He got laid off and he's taking it out on you. I wouldn't say it's hopeless, but he has to understand this somehow.

    I do not smirk. But if I did, this would be a good opportunity. - Worf
    The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. Oscar Wilde



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2001
    Location
    Trailer Trash Ammy!
    Posts
    19,520

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    How hard is he trying to find a job? As a dot-bomb victim myself I can certainly testify that the market is tough, tough, tough right now - but if he is just cruising while you are paying most of the bills, then I don't think it's his place to comment on what you choose to do with your spare time and the money YOU earn. I'm not (yet) saying ditch him, but I don't think you should hesitate to make your feelings known, especially if he is not trying.

    Member: TB Clique, Georgia Clique, Rust TS Clique, Willem FC, DIY Clique, Ebayers Anonymous Clique, Reads Forums At Work Clique, Lawn Ornaments For Life Clique, Jigging Clique
    "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2001
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,903

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    I'm in the same boat, but with a husband. Just reading your thread makes me depressed.

    I understand sooooo much. While I can take a job to support my horse addiction (think second job) HE doesn't have the ability to find even ONE job, whether it be at McDonalds, or the Post Office. I'm angry, hurt and moving by the end of the year.

    Let me also tell you to protect yourself, emotionally and mentally. They CAN, like my husband, turn particularly nasty and verbally abusive.

    I have found many women on this BB have experienced the same thing: some separated, some didn't. Just, well, be cautious

    Oh, and BTW. To answer your original question, Yes, sometimes it IS one or the other. You choose.

    Just a thought...
    KT

    Proud member of the SunnieFlax Clique
    P.S. Only 85 days till I pick up my youngster. Yahoo.
    "For God hates utterly
    The bray of bragging tongues."
    Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    nj
    Posts
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    yeah, i guess he was more understanding when he had a job. and yes, he's trying hard to find another. and it's only been about 3 weeks since he got laid off.
    i just graduated last may, started working in september. i'm making little $, hoping to make more next year. i haven't gone shopping for myself in forever.
    some of the bills i'm faced with (credit cards) were for his/our things, like mechanic bills for his truck, couple sports coats for him, etc.
    i don't want to paint him as a bum (he's not), but i'm hurt that he has such selective memory. if you'd ask him today, he wouldn't remember one damn thing i've done for him or for the house.
    i wish i were strong enough to just take your advice and ditch him. but we've had a lot of good moments together. it's hard to just leave when it's not always so bad.
    i think i was kind of anticipating his attack on me. knew it was going to happen. we've had this conversation before. i'm just insane enough to think that it'll get better.
    this is so stupid! back in august when i had to buy a vehicle i had a choice between a small new compact or a used truck. i thought a truck would be better, because it can be used for hauling and we do a lot of outdoorsey stuff. i discussed it with him and thought we were on the same wavelength. today he told me that i even bought a truck for the horse and what a bad idea that was...

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2001
    Location
    west coast canada
    Posts
    458

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    out of a couple where only one is into horses, if the other doesn't support, or at the very least UNDERSTAND, then the relationship doesn't last long. Mine didn't. It wasn't due to horses, but during the time I was with him I rode less and less. and then not at all. And since he left, I got a horse, ride several times a week, and I realise what was missing through the time we were together. I never realised I put my passion for horses down to the bottom of the list. I was depressed about it and didn't even know until I put horses back in my life. Now any new guy has to understand that the horse came first, and I'm not giving her up for ANYONE! Now I am true to myself, and I'm happy. Have I mentioned how much I love my horse ?? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 18, 2000
    Location
    NY, USA
    Posts
    896

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    Since I actually care a great deal about my husband and have 2 kids and an old house that seem to require an awful lot of time and money, the choice was relatively easy. I know horses will be a part of my life when the time is right. They've always been in my life, in varying degrees.

    Saying all that, I too, think "ditch him". Especially if he's always going to pick on something horsey to complain about. It gets worse, not better.

    ...unless he's the type to be there for you (and your horse) when you are down on your luck...

    Then it might be worth toughing it out until he's earning a paycheck again.
    Member, Equine Artist Clique



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    nj
    Posts
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    what the hell does he expect me to do?!
    he knows where i stand on this issue. if he's absolutely serious and firm about it, he should just break up with me. and if he's not then what is this all about? just being a pain?

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    nj
    Posts
    8,811

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    don't get me wrong. i love him with all my heart. i'm angry right now. this is not a situation that would require this choice under 'normal circumstances'. i can pay my bills. if i have to, i can get a part time job. but he doesn't want that. when i worked at the barn on sundays to pay off my board, he complained that we don't have sundays together.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2002
    Posts
    1,092

    Default

    Too bad many SO's have the "get rid of the horse" attitude...in my case, I got rid of the SO and kept the horse, yeah $ is t-i-g-h-t (!) here too, but no way could I get rid of my baby (the horse, that is)...I'm with you - I'd do whatever it takes to keep horsin'; and yes, "ditch him" is extreme, but just venting about it helps!
    However, I agree with the others that if his attitude toward your "horsing" is resentful now, it WILL ONLY GET WORSE. Perhaps he's just in a bad place right now...after all, you didn't just "get horsey"...and sometimes it is easier to place the blame elsewhere...he's unemployed...he'll get another job...things won't suck forever...

    ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

    ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 8, 2002
    Posts
    512

    Default

    I posted awhile ago about my similar situation except add to it my SO is an alcoholic. Trust me, it does not get better. I have been in my relationship for 14 years and now I am looking back thinking about when the support of my love of horses stopped. It was in the second year of the relationship, you know about the time the glow wears off. I told my SO when we started that if he ever asked me to choose I would choose the horses, since just the fact he asked me to make the choice proves he doesn't really love me. Now he says he can't believe I would choose an animal over a human like I am some kind of freak or something.

    Anyway, stick to your guns, you have found your personal joy and don't let anyone take it away from you.
    \"given the choice of a majestic horse and a guy who\'s only part of a horse, I\'ll take the horse any day\"
    Budweiser commercial



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Feb. 27, 2002
    Posts
    1,092

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    But I'm freaking right along with you...I have always chosen animals over humans and I have never been disappointed! Others may not agree, but who cares! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

    ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

    ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 10, 2001
    Location
    nj
    Posts
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    my SO has been in recovery for 6 years.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 2, 2002
    Posts
    1,712

    Default

    Marta,
    you have received much wisdom on this thread! Seems that (I'm not a shrink and don't play one on TV), he may feel he doesn't have control over his life since being laid off, and is projecting that unto YOU and is trying to control you by complaining about the horse expense to guilt you into getting rid of the horse, and at the same time get you to spend more time with <him>. Sounds very familiar to me, and IMO, to thine own self be true. It is a lucky and wise person who recognizes what makes them truly happy and has the courage to act on that. If you need horses in your life to be happy, and you are paying the freight for that, then don't give it up for any man. If you don't ditch him now, make a great big mental note about this incident and behaviour and if you see a pattern, Jump on your horse and run, don't walk, away from the SO because it DOES NOT GET BETTER, as has already been said.

    And don't worry about venting, ever; through venting, oftentimes the real issues become clear, and once identified, can be dealt with.

    Remember, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
    June
    \"The world\'s greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos\"



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 13, 2001
    Location
    MD
    Posts
    1,050

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    Boy do i understand your situation. Anytime money gets tight the first thing cut is my riding, even though I don't own a horse and i was only taking one lesson a week, and he spends more on fast food per week then I did on my one lesson.

    Before we met, I was a waitress/bartender, working five evenings a week, had my own horse, rode six days a week. Lately I've been working in restaurant management, where I basically make the same amount of money but work twice the hours. I'd love to go back to waitressing or bartending so I have time to ride in the morning, but his theory is that while surviving on tips you never know how much money you'll make. True, but now I know how much money I make and never have time for anything. My hiney hasn't even been on a horse in almost a year.

    Of course, he also thinks that if I am going to ride I should just stick with horses as a career. Not bad in theory but I can't teach a hot dog to sit on a bun, I can't braid, we don't own land to have a boarding stable (not too sure I'd want to do that anyway, especially after reading some posts here) and I'm just not that good of a rider anyway.

    He also complains that if I'm involved with horses it takes away from our time together. What time together?!!!? He's a workaholic that doesn't come home until midnight, when I'm already half asleep, and on his day off he sleeps until at least 3 pm, then is a couch potato.

    And he kind of pissed me off on my birthday, too. I told him the only thing I wanted to do was see a horse, maybe groom it, hug the horse. Not necessarily ride, since I haven't in so long. I just wanted to spend a little time with a horse, which is something I've done every year. It didn't happen. So, I spent my 30th birthday working, then coming home, doing laundry, cleaning the house, doing dishes, and basically watching him watch tv.
    Just because I have a short attention span doesn\'t mean I



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Posts
    5,072

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    So, he's now demanding that you forfeit that which gives you so much joy and pleasure - what's he going to demand that you sacrifice in, say, five years time?

    Wouldn't think of imposing my opinion on your relationship but would ask, can you live with such a man for the rest of your life?

    I don't think the underlying issue is the horse...



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