I liked a few kids and babies when I babysat, but most just annoyed me. It's like having your own horse versus riding someone elses--from what my friends have told me. But if I wasn't a horse person through and through, I'd probably go trail riding once in a while and be content. Kind of like the way I view kids these days. I like visiting the niece and nephews, but I wouldn't necessarily want them around all the time, nor have to worry about picking up after them! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif
The jury is still out on this for me. I am 32 (will be 33 this spring) and Mr. Cloud is 35. So we can wait a while longer to decide, but not a whole lot longer.
Some days, I think I would like to have a child. Other days, I DEFINITELY don't want one. As long as my feelings waver so much, I know it would be the wrong decision to have one.
Mr. Cloud and I both have other things that we want to do with our time and energy and money...my riding is chief among them (see, Erin? It's horse-related! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif). Neither one of us are willing to cut back on our hobbies very much, so we have decided not to have a kid so far. We both know what a HUGE committment and responisiblity a child would be. Right now, we feel like our lives are busy enough and full enough without a child.
We also get annoyed with the people who act like there's something wrong with us for not having a child yet. Yet. Like it's a foregone conclusion that everyone has a child. But, I've also heard from people who only have 1 child that people then give them a hard time about having only 1 child.
"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever!"
[This message was edited by drifting cloud on Jan. 06, 2003 at 12:58 PM.]
\"So shines a good deed in a weary world\" - Willy Wonka
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Robby Johnson:
Do you think horses can often replace or substitute that need to nurture?
Robby, I absolutely think they do! Along with other types of pets/animals...guess that's why I am known as "Elly Mae" to my friends...who needs kids...PITA! My animals have never let me down, been mean to me, are always happy to see me, and even though they are a lifelong committment, that is one I know I can willingly keep!
I know for a fact that I have replaced any sort of healthy relationship with my relationships with Lego, Perry and even Emma to some degree. It is so much safer: they get a cookie, and I get unconditional love. MUCH better than having ones heart stomped on by an SO, or a child. And without the SO, there is no chance of said child. So I'll die lonely and "unfulfilled" but I'll have my Congress Medals and my World Champion trophies to show my horses loved me and tried their hearts out for me. MUCH better than a divorce, and maybe cheaper too.
It affected me more than I ever thought it would. Now I feel like I have a project to finish. It's bizarre. Somehow I missed out on the whole decision process. Which is probably good, because I don't know how I can rationalize it. I can't, you know. Like Robby said, the horses can stay at the barn! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif
Although it was sometimes irritating that people would routinely ask if we were having kids, I never once felt that anyone thought I was a freak for not wanting children. I am sure my friends asked me out of genuine curiosity and affection.
Velvet, I don't think you are strange for not wanting kids. I doubt that many people do. I think people should do or be whatever makes them happy. The only person who can truly pass judgment on a personal decision like not having children is you.
"If you feel you had a bad ride, how do you think your horse feels?"
\"If you feel you had a bad ride, how do you think your horse feels?\"
My husband has a genetic disorder that causes a severe loss of vision when you hit puberty - his brother has it as well. Both of them are legally blind, and can't drive. Before we were even engaged, we knew we didn't want to keep passing this along. Hence, no children. I haven't even had a desire to adopt one.
I worked with a woman who told me I was being selfish for not having any kids! What - I'm selfish for not bringing a child with a serious problem into the world? I've been married to my husband for 23 years, and I've seen how much this problem alters what you can do in life. Why would I want to deliberately bring that on a child? Some people are just clueless!
All I have to say is that I finally bought my own place and I'm very, very happy I did. I think you can find something within your means if you look hard and think outside the box. I also think that single people with horses, who don't like yard work, should stick to townhomes and condos. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...icon_smile.gif I did, and I also worked to find something that was well within my means so I could eventually afford a horse. And lo and behold a year later, I had a horse as well as my condo!
Go for it. It gives you security and it stops the rising costs of rent from impacting you and your financial decisions. But, if you like to move around the country like I used to, don't do it. If you're a bit settled, start checking it out now, while the market is slowing down a bit and the interests rates are low. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...on_biggrin.gif
It's all about ME, ME, ME!!! (The only signature worthy of a real DQ.)
I have a child. I love that child. I don't want any MORE children. Early on, my husband and I decided that it would be unfair to split our attention between our careers and multiple children. I went through many nasty years of defending our decision to the 'you must have more than one child or you will not be a real parent and your only-child will be warped' crowd. Now that I have multiple auto-immune problems, I can (with evil, inner glee) shut those people down with a curt "another pregnancy would kill me" comment.
Like other posters, I find my cute chestnut gelding to be a wonderful outlet for any nurturing I may need to do after caring for the SO and the kiddo!
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by pt:
When we discovered that I'm unable to have children, it gave me a huge sense of relief which somewhat baffled all the would-be sympathy givers. <VBG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I never wanted kids and after having a hysterectomy (for health reasons) when I was 29, it took a huge burden off of me. Now I no longer feel the pressure to justify the fact that I don't want kids. It will never be an issue with a potential husband. Some people don't understand why having a hysterectomy didn't upset me - especially since I thought I was only going to have a laprascopy - but it really didn't bother me at all.
"Dogs are man's best friend. Cats are man's adorable little serial killer." -- theoatmeal.com
I have never wanted kids and as I have gotten older, I have not heard any clocks ticking.
That said, has anyone who is dead set against kids been a step parent? I was a step mom for a little while and since the child lived in a different state it was not too bad (and she liked to ride.) Now, I am facing a step son situation. I don't feel like Mr. Right will ever come without kids now that I am closer to middle age than I would like. Anyone else deal with the step parents thing?
I married a man who did NOT want kids, although he is a wonderful teacher and the parents and kids love him. Just when we started to rethink the decision, I became very ill and found out I had a hereditary immune system disease that in its worst form would be fatal to a baby.
I have no qualms about being childless. My husband and I have an intimacy that I'm not sure would be possible if we had children. And yes, the horses and the dogs fill any sort of nurturing void quite nicely.
This is a thread close to my heart. I got engaged last year, and before my fiance asked me to marry him we had a chat about kids. I am pretty sure that I want one. I get the odd maternal instinct pang, but I don't know if I'll be any good at it. I really don't want to be one of those people who shouldn't have kids but does anyways.
Also, how do you balance kids and horses? I can barely manage time with my SO, work and riding, so trying to plan a few rides while taking care of junior seems impossible.
Proud owner of one Lunar acre! (Campanus Crater, The Moon)
You know, that just got me thinking. I have a friend who NEVER wanted children. She doesn't enjoy the amount of work babies require. Her husband finally talked her into getting pregnant, she had the kid, and he took care of it more often than she did in the beginning. She did find that he became very interesting around the age of 5 and since then she's been closer to him than his father. The only thing I see now is that she's actually closer to him in a way that makes her more often on the side of her son than siding with her spouse. It's weird what kids can do to a relationship.
I think her hubby should have left her with her horses and forgotten the kid (even though she can't imagine not having him now). They are less time consuming and threatening (even though men don't see it that way http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c.../icon_wink.gif ).
It's all about ME, ME, ME!!! (The only signature worthy of a real DQ.)
From the former home of the salmon and the spotted owl
I knew I never wanted kids, but did end up having one. Neither fun nor easy.
Seven horses are far easier and immensely more fun and satisfying than 1 child. It might sound cold, but heartfelt love is not achieved by will-power- it is inherent and spontaneous. If you don't think you should have a child- don't. Not everyone is up to it.
Nope - not pregnant, don't ever want to be pregnant and don't ever want kids.
I don't see it as being selfish - I see it as knowing myself really well and knowing what I want with my life. There are way too many unwanted kids out there for me to have one that I couldn't take proper care of. I have other's children to teach everyday and that's plenty for me.
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Kachoo:
, and it wouldn't be fair to either him or myself to try and cram a relationship in there somewhere. The downside to this is that I think half my friends believe I'm a lesbian http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_c...n_rolleyes.gif, as every time they try to force a male friend/relative/whatever on me, I tell them to leave me alone.
An interesting comment, Kachoo. I went therough the same thing in my 30's. I dated, but with so many men in the horse show world being gay (and the ones that are straight have wifes and girlfriends AND groupies...) I dated non-horsepeople. My close friends knew this, but people in the show world never saw me with a man -- just sharing rooms at shows with other women friends.
It got back to me that people thought I was a lesbian...(and, to be fair, I *suspected* several other ammies who have since gone on to be happily married for years.)
When I got married, I felt as if I had defined myself -- even though my husband was not interested in horses so no one ever saw him, I had a ring and a new last name.
But, what is a woman who is totally involed in the show world to do? The imbalance between straight men and straight women is so large that inevitably there are going to be a lot of unmarried straight women. Still, people talk...