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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 14, 2008
    Posts
    294

    Default How do you approach your husband when it comes to horsey needs ?

    I run on a tight budget as it is. I wouldn’t say we cant afford the horse, but he would prefer if he did not exist. So I try to keep the horse expenses and time spent as minimal and accommodating as possible.

    It's funny as I reflect, but his initial attraction to me was that I was a farm girl and didnt mind getting dirty. No kidding, our first "date" I told him I would be at the farm and if he wanted to meet me there he could. It was 100 degrees, I was in shorts, paddock boots and a tank top and we still got married: lol:

    As he learned that owning a horse was not like golfing he seems to have gotten bitter about the entire situation. Sometimes I feel like he just resists because he can.

    As life changes, plans are in the works to buy the farm my horse is currently at. With that said, all farm items will need to be purchased ( and he understands that) but one of the largest items that will become a MUST is a truck and trailer. I do not feel comfortable not having immediate access to either in an emergency situation.

    As it is current, I have problems going anywhere because we do not have a ride to get there. I am very goal driven and not having a goal makes actually riding and keeping fit for no reason seem well.... pointless.

    I have approached the subject for several months and it always ends in a fight. I understand his point but somewhere he must be able to compromise. I am not asking to buy something brand new, just something safe.

    Buying the farm will actually decrease our mortgage payment ( not by much but still something) I do understand that living on a farm has its own expenses just to keep it operational but we live ENTIERLY dept free aside from our mortgage. We both have reliable vehicles that are paid off and we are CC and Student loan free with reliable jobs.


    I sometimes feel like he does not want to see me happy, which is frustrating because I know deep down that is not the case but I am at a point where I just cant understand what the huge issue is? I have even approached getting a second job just to pay for the trailer and truck expense but again was met with resistance.



    So, who is the master manipulator?

    P.S- He has been trained in how to identify body language and is very good at "reading me". So sneakyness wont work, and I seem unable to cry on command !



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2004
    Location
    Chapel Hill, NC
    Posts
    511

    Default

    Good luck!

    No specific advice, but I hope things get easier for you. If you haven't tried already, perhaps sitting down to a nice dinner, sometime when you're both in a good mood, and having a gentle heart-to-heart with him, where you can express everything you love about him, but also the things that seem to be barriers. If he has a knee-jerk reaction to spending money on All Things Horsey, see if you can unpack that a little. Is it because he really thinks you can't afford it? If so, maybe work up a list of priorities, things that could go or wait, and things that must be funded immediately. Maybe it's not really so much that he thinks you can't afford it, but that he feels like he's losing control of his life? Maybe if he felt more involved in the decision making, he wouldn't immediately put up a wall?



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2002
    Location
    West Coast of Michigan
    Posts
    36,321

    Default

    So whose idea is it to buy the farm, and is he 100% on board with that?

    Fights about money are really common, but just about always the "money" is a front for some other sort of imbalance (God, I hate even using that word when talking about psychology!) or power struggle or unhappiness in the relationship in general.

    What do you think would be his answer if you were to ask him point blank why he is being so negative or obstructing you at every turn? Have you asked him? Might be time for an arbitrator here in the form of a marriage counselor, before you "buy the farm", as it were. Good luck.
    Click here before you buy.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2001
    Location
    Hangin' on by a thread...
    Posts
    3,329

    Default

    Definitely get things sorted out before you "buy the farm"! Otherwise, resentment in terms of work spent on the property, etc. will start to build to an uncontrollable amount. Even if you plan on doing all the work yourself and not ask for his help in anything, there will be times where you will want to get away from the farm or you'll be sick, and then he'll resent you since this is your dream and not his.

    Is this truly about money? Or does he feel second-best to your horse(s)? Often the fighting isn't really about money, but the horses become a convenient scapegoat. Definitely seek aid in terms of a counselor if he isn't willing or is unable to communicate his needs to you.
    "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." - Thomas Edison

    So, the Zen Buddhist says to the hotdog vendor, "Make me one with everything."



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2001
    Posts
    6,711

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    How do you approach your husband when it comes to horsey needs ?
    I wear my most shear and sexy nighty.

    Reed



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    5,961

    Default

    I have a couple suggestions:

    Stop trying to manipulate each other.
    You will both have to compromise. Otherwise it's not a compromise.
    Read This Book. The title is kind of stupid, but the book is helpful for many women (myself included).
    Make sure he really wants a farm, and knows what living on a farm means.
    Take another look at the finances and make sure you really can afford the horse. Instead of telling him what you think, ask HIM what HE thinks. Maybe he's uncomfortable with just how tight the budget is. Or maybe he really thinks horses are a ridiculous waste of time and money - if that's the case, be prepared to make some decisions.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



  7. #7
    Join Date
    May. 14, 2008
    Posts
    294

    Default

    The farm has always been in my grand plan. Long before him (it is family owned)and he was well aware that my long term plan was to live there. It was a more get on board or get of the train kind of deal.

    He was fully on board but as farm life reveals itself in its entirety it seems to be more work than he was planning on. Sad to say, but I really just think he is lazy.

    He uses money as the excuse, but if we can afford to pay off both cars in 6 months ( making double and triple payments just to get them paid off), still socking away at the savings and each of us contributing 15% to 401K, we can fully afford a small truck payment.

    I have asked him and this is what makes me feel terrible. He says that it hurts him to not be able to give me everything that makes me happy. How horrible does that make me look ? It makes me seem selfish and ungrateful for the things I do have.

    I think he does feel second best but, at this point I can only give so much. I am his full time wife, dry cleaner, maid, cook. All his needs are met before I leave to make sure that the horses needs are met. I will admit that actually living on the farm and not having to drive there everyday will certainly improve things but if he is not on board now well......

    It is a very old house and will need improvements, but if we can afford radiant heat in the floors we can afford a darn truck !



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2011
    Posts
    466

    Default

    For us, because DH is sort of horsey (weekend trail rider) it went a little easier. But there are still arguments about how much I spend on shows, especially if the mare-beast tanks somewhere between phase 1 and phase 3 of the competition and I come home with the big "E" and have spent upwards of a several hundred dollars for what turned in to a schooling ride. Or how much I spend on tack, mare-beast had to have a new saddle this spring, and DH was not happy about me plunking down considerable money for it.

    So I try to give him the flipside of what the money is spent on. Such as I bought a fancy new 3h trailer(mare-beast needed more room, and I wanted a bigger dressing room). I can use it to haul horses, he can pack the four-wheelers in it and take off to the mountains for a "man weekend" and sleep in the gooseneck thereby saving him lodging money.

    I bought a utility cart that can be used for stall mucking, hay hauling, feed bag hauling. He can use it to haul tools, wood, ect...

    The biggest compromise because in the beginning I so didn't want it. He wanted a flashy ApHC YEARLING(which I tried to talk him out of sighting that he wouldn't be able to ride the beast for several years). The then colt was a nut, no manners, didn't load, groom, tie, you name it, it was a no. I wanted as our second horse an already broke 3yr old Paint/ISP cross with fancy movement.

    We came home with the ApHC and de-crazied him. The compromise? I get to event him eventually and he does have fancy movement and has proven several times that he can jump the moon when motivated.

    So my advice is try to find things that will appeal to the husband. Show him the flipside of having a trailer and truck. Lots of "man" things DHs can do with both.
    "But I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep." Robert Frost

    Eventing at Midnight Blog
    http://eventingmidnight.blogspot.com/



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 23, 2008
    Posts
    108

    Default

    Superalter, some advice from someone who also had the farm dream. Be VERY careful what you wish for! While it is nice to have my horses at home, please have your eyes wide open to what you are about to get yourself into. Having a farm (we have room for 6-7 horses) is never-ending work. It is a full-time job in itself. Never mind the mucking, there is always fences to be repaired, mowing, dragging the ring ect....

    I actually find myself putting off riding because there is so much to get done. When I finally have the time , I am usually too tired. I envy my boarders who can just come and ride and not have to worry about all the other stuff owning a farm entails. AND..... forget trying to get away unless you have someone very trustworthy to take over while you are gone.
    Sorry to sound so negative, . Just want you to see the other side of the fairytale.

    I would be at a complete loss if my husband was not completely on board as I rely on him enormously as something is always breaking or I need him for the physical help with certain projects. You will need to pay someone to help with this stuff if your husband is not on board.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan. 22, 2003
    Location
    Home of "The Office", PA
    Posts
    950

    Default

    I second going over finances and even including estimates for what it might cost to hire someone to do some of the farm maintenance (ie. mowing, trimming, fence repair, etc.) just in case.

    I don't know if I woul call him lazy as much as ignorant and naive. It is easy to say you want a farm. A very different thing when you consider everything that entails. The greater the amount of work, the more you have to REALLY WANT that farm.

    Also, it's really about compromise. My husband was sort of a "city boy" when we met, but the more time he is out in the country on the farm, the more he loves it. He has always known that my horses come first in an emergency and totally supports that. He would never ask me to give them up unless we were in dire straits and completely out of options financially. He pushes me to ride when I sometimes would rather just crash on the couch. He loves playing groom and photographer at horse shows (provided he can relax in a chair with a cold beer after my last ride). He loves hanging around the horses and helping care for them.
    That being said, I've sacified lessons to have "date-night". I've spent all day Saturday at a vendor event helping him, knowing that I have a show on Sunday. I've chosen to not go to some shows because the money needed to be spent elsewhere on family necessities.

    I guess my main point is...show that you are willing to work with HIM, and he might be more open to you.

    And in regards to him not being able to give you everything to my you happy (I've heard that too from mine), remind him that you are a team and anything can be achieved if you work together.

    P.S. In the same boat in regards to wanting our own truck and trailer (currently borrow my mom's truck & trailer), only it's ME who is scared of the monthly truck payment! HAHA!
    The only thing the government needs to solve all of its problems is a Council of Common Sense.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 10, 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,636

    Default

    Carefully and when he's in a good mood.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 13, 2000
    Posts
    931

    Default

    Remember that this is your hobby, not his. I'd be a wee bit resentful too if I was expected to put a lot of time, money and hard labor into something I had no interest in. Especially after working full time at my job.

    Some guys love puttering around and fixing things, mowing, or whatever but some don't. My husband decidely does NOT. Unless i was willing to foot 100% of the work (and if he did help me, consider it a bonus), I could never have my own farm. Luckily I have no desire too either.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2008
    Location
    Central Oklahoma
    Posts
    3,147

    Default

    How do I do it? umm when he is relaxed and happy in his big boy chair, I crawl into his laps, and in the sweetest voice, smile, starts, "honey, I found this xyz, that I can get for a great discount. Can you come with me to get it?"

    The point here is, be sweet, but don't give him an option to say no. Give him an option of deciding the details of "how" to acquire it, not "whether" to acquire it. You decide that you two are getting it; he decides everything else.

    This is advisable only when you are absolutely sure that whatever xyz is won't cause financial hardship on you.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 12, 2007
    Posts
    544

    Default

    I made a choice to be financially independent. Which only covers needing to "manipulate" for money of course. And, I don't mean I just spend 'my money' on horses, I mean I could afford what I have on my own.

    Luckily, I have a great spouse who knew me for 18 years "before horse" and decided to stick it out "after horse" - several years running now. He's supportive. Never really discussed it, we don't have kids, so I guess it's a bit of this is how it is.

    A compromise was i would have like to have dragged a doublewide onto some land and put up an indoor/nice barn. He wanted a nicer house. We have a modest home, nothing special at all, and smaller, but it's new. We also compromised on location - i could have gotten more, but in an area he did not want to live.

    I also don't manipulate him. Again, I basically lay it out there.
    "Fool! Don't you see now that I could have poisoned you a hundred times had I been able to live without you." Cleopatra VII



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    7,022

    Default

    Oooh Oh Oh, do I get to say if first?


    "Daaaahhhling, that's what b!0w XXXs are for."
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    7,022

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by RAyers View Post
    I wear my most shear and sexy nighty.

    Reed
    The more perfect our happiness,
    the more nagging and wretched
    do our unsolved problems seem.
    ~ Gordon Grand



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 5, 2007
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    1,190

    Default

    I'm afraid I can't help. I control the finances so I just get what I need that's within our means.

    Sometimes I tell him what I buy, sometimes I don't. He trusts me with the money and seems glad I run the house hold.

    Thank goodness. I don't think I could stand being at the mercy of someone else's whimsy.

    My DH also knows the horses came (come) first for me. He accepts that. I am very lucky.

    Best wishes! Ooh, and your farm plans sound awesome!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    May. 23, 2007
    Location
    Southern Indiana
    Posts
    2,545

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by RAyers View Post
    I wear my most sheer and sexy nighty.

    Reed
    Eewwww.. Now that's an image I might need a brain scrub for!



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2005
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    12,868

    Default

    Perhaps have more than one bank account. For both of you. It might up set me too if a large portion of my pay was going to support someone else's passion---especially, if finances are more limited.

    Altertnatively--I'd do your research. Find a nice affordable stock trailer---so it has uses on the farm as well as for the horses. Find a nice affordable tow vehicle. Don't have discussions in the abstract. Know the actual costs...the insurance etc.

    Then communicate. It isn't about emotions or even really money...it is about understanding each others expectations.


    but then again...I'm not married and make all my own decisions...so take everything I just said with a large grain of salt. Maybe it is just about being sexy when you ask
    ** The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. -- Albert Einstein **



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Apr. 23, 2001
    Location
    Chicagoland, IL
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    1,678

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SuperAlter View Post
    The farm has always been in my grand plan. Long before him (it is family owned)and he was well aware that my long term plan was to live there. It was a more get on board or get of the train kind of deal.
    And you say he has problems compromising? Acquiescing to a used rig isn't a compromise, it's getting what you want. Just as keeping and showing a horse, living on the farm, and allotting a significant (no matter how frugal you think you are, it's significant) portion of your combined budget to your horse habit is getting what you want.

    What are his concerns? What does he want from your life together? You have said he's lazy and uses money an excuse. Maybe he simply feels that he's giving enough and is considered too little.



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