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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 27, 2012
    Posts
    13

    Default What to do with obsessed married man I love?

    Here's the deal: Man is married for over 20 years. He married his wife because she got pregnant and he wanted to "do the right thing" although they never had real chemistry as a couple. THey raised 2 kids who are now out of the house. I met him and wife a few years ago and became friends with them. He fell in love with me during this time and told me about it last year. We have great chemistry and he never felt that before. I'm the second woman he's ever been with (seriously-he has zero experience with women). We ended up having an affair and I fell in love with him, too. Drama ensued. He began getting very jealous when he saw me with other men in public (even when he was with his wife). He said he felt too obligated to her to leave her and that I should find a man who could be with me, but then he got freakishly upset if I even flirted with another man. He began questioning my love for him because I didn't act like he was "my man" (because he's, ummm, married to another woman?). Wife knew something was going on and finally caught him. They went to counselling. A couple of months later, he contacted me to tell me how lost he felt without me, how much he loved me, and we started up again. A couple of months later, he started saying I wasn't proving my love to him so he wasn't sure how much I really loved him. I said that *he's married still* and I'll reserve that level of love for a man who is 100% with me. He can't see this and accused me of holding back. In the mean time, he told his wife he was seeing me again/still loved me and she now is obsessed with knowing were he is all the time, she scans his phone and email accounts, etc. They are back in counselling but he still emails me saying how much he loves me. His emails started to blame me for the fact that he's still married (if I showed my love enough he'd have left her) and had gotten obnoxious for a bit there, and I've begun to think the man is obsessed with me. I think the pressure of his situation is getting the better of him and he's acting out. I told him he needs to work his marriage out and get back to me when he does that. but he's afraid I'll find someone in the mean time. I used to really want to be with him (I do love him and I know that the kind of love and chemistry we share is rare in life) but I'm starting to think he's co-dependent (he and his wife seem mutually co-dependent) and that his jealousy would be a huge issue if we were together. But I don't know. He used to say he'd leave his marriage because the marriage wasn't working and THEN he'd be with me, now he says he'd leave the marriage FOR me. I don't want him to leave a marriage for me - what if it doesn't work out? Should I cut all ties until he separates? SHould I just cut all ties and run away? Think the obsession would change if we were actually together? I think he's in a midlife crisis and feels trapped - I'm glad he's in couselling, though.

    I know 99% of you would never be in this situation, but I'm curious what you think. I know several will bash me for having an affair with a married man - I assure you this whole thing is so much more complicated - none of us are bad people at heart.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,475

    Default

    He loves the idea of you but he does not love you.

    Run away... Far, far, far away.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2006
    Location
    the land of sky-blue waters
    Posts
    622

    Default

    Cut all ties FOR GOOD. You do NOT want to be in a relationship with someone who's as obsessive, controlling, and manipulative as he seems to be from your description. End it and avoid any contact with this man.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,054

    Default

    Oh. Dear. God. For your sake I hope this is just being posted to liven up OT day...

    Cut ties with this man and his wife and don't socialize with them anymore. Whole situation is a mess and only you can extricate yourself from it. Why his wife keeps him around is beyond me. If my husband pulled that crap he'd be out on his ass.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2006
    Posts
    5,045

    Default

    Honest opinion...
    The dude sounds a bit "mentally unstable"....do yourself a mental favor and cut all ties. Keep at this and you will end up with no one in the end, just a fantasy.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2007
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    1,952

    Default

    You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is this controlling, obsessive, and manipulating. Cut your ties, cry your losses, and MOVE ON!
    Riding the winds of change

    Heeling NRG Aussies
    Like us on facebook!



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
    Posts
    5,544

    Default

    The guy sounds terribly immature. If he did leave his wife for you (and I can't for the life of me understand why she hasn't kicked his whiny juvenile butt to the curb already), he'd lose interest soon once the dramatic aspect of it was gone.

    I'd break off all contact with him.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,436

    Default

    Get a cat. Or a Betta fish.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,671

    Default

    No one knows your exact circumstance but based on what your descried?? RUN RUN RUN RUN AWAY! Just what the others wrote-no contact, just done! you will be SOOOOOOO much happier.
    not a question of being good or bad people but he is demonstrating some scary traits that you DO NOT want in your partner.
    Chemistry is NOT that hard to find, and much better without all the other crap!
    Again, NOT in your situation, but from an outsider..



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    5,054

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Get a cat. Or a Betta fish.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2011
    Posts
    131

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LexInVA View Post
    Get a cat. Or a Betta fish.
    or a puppy



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2004
    Location
    Louisville, KY
    Posts
    4,007

    Default

    Cut all ties permanently and get yourself into counseling, too. Seriously, RUN AWAY.
    Caitlin
    *OMGiH I Loff my Mare* and *My Saddlebred Can Do Anything Your Horse Can Do*
    http://community.webshots.com/user/redmare01



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 22, 2005
    Location
    Hermes
    Posts
    429

    Default Aunt Esther responds

    Aunt Esther, national and international Purse Champion, says it is time for you to grow a spine and leave this, this, this idiotic douchenozzle.

    Aunt Esther would not ordinarily use such a vulgar term as "douchnozzle," but she feels that this man warrants such a description.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    41,548

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alter4sure View Post
    Here's the deal: Man is married for over 20 years. He married his wife because she got pregnant and he wanted to "do the right thing" although they never had real chemistry as a couple. THey raised 2 kids who are now out of the house. I met him and wife a few years ago and became friends with them. He fell in love with me during this time and told me about it last year. We have great chemistry and he never felt that before. I'm the second woman he's ever been with (seriously-he has zero experience with women). We ended up having an affair and I fell in love with him, too. Drama ensued. He began getting very jealous when he saw me with other men in public (even when he was with his wife). He said he felt too obligated to her to leave her and that I should find a man who could be with me, but then he got freakishly upset if I even flirted with another man. He began questioning my love for him because I didn't act like he was "my man" (because he's, ummm, married to another woman?). Wife knew something was going on and finally caught him. They went to counselling. A couple of months later, he contacted me to tell me how lost he felt without me, how much he loved me, and we started up again. A couple of months later, he started saying I wasn't proving my love to him so he wasn't sure how much I really loved him. I said that *he's married still* and I'll reserve that level of love for a man who is 100% with me. He can't see this and accused me of holding back. In the mean time, he told his wife he was seeing me again/still loved me and she now is obsessed with knowing were he is all the time, she scans his phone and email accounts, etc. They are back in counselling but he still emails me saying how much he loves me. His emails started to blame me for the fact that he's still married (if I showed my love enough he'd have left her) and had gotten obnoxious for a bit there, and I've begun to think the man is obsessed with me. I think the pressure of his situation is getting the better of him and he's acting out. I told him he needs to work his marriage out and get back to me when he does that. but he's afraid I'll find someone in the mean time. I used to really want to be with him (I do love him and I know that the kind of love and chemistry we share is rare in life) but I'm starting to think he's co-dependent (he and his wife seem mutually co-dependent) and that his jealousy would be a huge issue if we were together. But I don't know. He used to say he'd leave his marriage because the marriage wasn't working and THEN he'd be with me, now he says he'd leave the marriage FOR me. I don't want him to leave a marriage for me - what if it doesn't work out? Should I cut all ties until he separates? SHould I just cut all ties and run away? Think the obsession would change if we were actually together? I think he's in a midlife crisis and feels trapped - I'm glad he's in couselling, though.

    I know 99% of you would never be in this situation, but I'm curious what you think. I know several will bash me for having an affair with a married man - I assure you this whole thing is so much more complicated - none of us are bad people at heart.
    I vote for teenage troll.
    No one is THAT clueless.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,963

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    I vote for teenage troll.
    No one is THAT clueless.
    I disagree. This stuff happens all the time, to people who are smart. Their heartstrings override their brains.

    Aunt Esther is spot on. He is never, ever going to leave his wife. You will never, ever be happy. Cut the strings, don't socialize with them. If you can't trust yourself to stay uninvolved, move away. This situation never turns out well.

    In the meantime, you can't give your heart to someone who deserves it.



  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 27, 2012
    Posts
    13

    Default

    Wow. SO many responses. So little time since posting.

    I assure you Bluey, I'm not a teenage troll (everyone involved here in our 40s), and I'm certainly not trying to liven up OT day. I guess you'd be surprised how clueless people can be when the heart is involved.

    Honestly, I'm not sure why the wife tolerates it either, except to say that she's conservative and has issues with the concept of "divorce". I used to think she was independent (she is extremely well educated) but I believe she's really co-dependent and doesn't want to be alone.

    Snowflake, that's what my sister says - he loves the idea of me more than me.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 19, 2008
    Location
    Where The Snow Flies
    Posts
    2,475

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alter4sure View Post
    Wow. SO many responses. So little time since posting.

    I assure you Bluey, I'm not a teenage troll (everyone involved here in our 40s), and I'm certainly not trying to liven up OT day. I guess you'd be surprised how clueless people can be when the heart is involved.

    Honestly, I'm not sure why the wife tolerates it either, except to say that she's conservative and has issues with the concept of "divorce". I used to think she was independent (she is extremely well educated) but I believe she's really co-dependent and doesn't want to be alone.

    Snowflake, that's what my sister says - he loves the idea of me more than me.
    Your sister's a smart lady. Listen to her.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun. 19, 2009
    Posts
    155

    Default

    If he's going to counselling with his wife, one should also assume he's trying to work it out with her. At least that's what he is likely telling her. Sounds like an insecure control freak seeking validation from two women. Not someone likely to be a great long term partner for you.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Nov. 9, 2001
    Location
    Binghamton NY
    Posts
    795

    Default

    It takes two to tango...let it go.....he's someone else's husband.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun. 30, 2006
    Location
    SF Bay Area, California
    Posts
    4,479

    Default

    I'm with Aunt Esther and everyone else. RUN from this douchenozzle and never look back.
    Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e350/Jen4USC/fave.jpg
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e3...SC/running.jpg



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