I must tell you that you foreigners are going about this total enslavement of your owner ALL the wrong way...
First, you must impress your owner with your Sam Savitt good looks. Of course this requires that you be a Thoroughbred, but some things can't be helped.
Then you foster an attitude of total superiority and royalty. The "Look of Eagles" works well here, but don't be aloof all the time. Smart royalty spends some time with the commoners - it keeps us well fed and robed. They are grateful for your presence. They will never know they are being used.
Then you impress her with your amazing talents and trainability, in spite of the fact you spent a few years on the track. This will always get you bonus points.
After you have attended a few shows, the goods will start rolling in. If I could only describe the sheer quantity and quality of clothing I have. And everytime I shred one, the silly fool spends MORE on the replacement!!!
Then, after your place is totally secure, it's time for your Master Move. I suggest starting with a well-timed abscess. The farrier or the footing will get the blame, and you will get the show off. Next, you may want to work up to something more reliable, like "thin walls"... A nice, non-descript complaint that can get you a few holidays every 5 weeks or so, and VERY easy to pull off if you are a TB. Unfortunately, a crafty owner will start scheduling the farrier around your shows. While at first this can be a hindrence, learn to use this to your advantage. A well-timed strained ankle or small wound 2 weeks after the farrier visits is likely to get you out of a show!
Another important thing to know is how not to go too far - even if it is for a big show. If the vet shows up with Big Machines, you might just possibly have miscalculated. Last thing you want to do is to spend time in the local University Hospital. They don't EVER give you the good treats, and when you decide to stop eating that garbage they call "hay" as a show of your displeasure (like you have EVER eaten it off the floor!), they assume you are colicing. I don't want to describe what follows that diagnosis...
The only possible good thing to come out of those experiences is that your mother will treat you like a God for at least 4 more weeks. Until you try to spit her into an oxer in an attempt to convince her that when they operated on your leg they removed all the brain cells that had ever seen a jump before...
and no, you may not make friends with anything other than a gelding! I want no sudden 11 month layoffs from the show season.
So please behave! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]
Bambi - I am not getting rid of Alice. Period. Now, you really must try to get along especially over the next two weeks while I'm gone. Comprendez-vous? I do not want to come back to lame horses due to personality mishaps in the paddock.
Gijon/Robbie/PK - stop giving my horses bad habits or I'll tell your owners!!! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]
Mein lieber Jair, sind nicht mit mir verargert. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif[/img] I vill be nice to Bambi, ewen though he is der one starting it.
I only vant to make friends with der other horses. I do not want to have fohlen now, und ruin mein figure. But a girl must keep her eye out for the stallion who vill be perfect for making with her der strong fohlen ven it is time, ja?
In honour of my beloved, Alice, I have adapted Jimi Henrix's "Foxy Lady". I know the song only because mein mutter plays it, very loudly, when speeding on dirt roads to HITS.
You know you are a cute little butt breaker
And you know you are a sweet little fohlen maker
I wanna take you in my paddock, yeah
I won't do you no harm cause I'm a geld-a
You've got to be all mein, all mein
ooh Foxy Alice
Now-a I see you trot into the show ring
You make me wanna rear and-a neigh
Foxy, oh baby prick your ear forward now
I've made up my mind my marish fraulein,
I'm tired of wasting all my precious time
You've got to be all mine, all mine
ooh, Foxy Alice
Ooh, Foxy Alice, neigh, neigh
You trot so good, Foxy
oh yeah Foxy
yeah, give us some oats, Foxy
Life is treats and scritches behind the ears and soft brushes. Otherwise, I stamp my feet and wring my tail and my humans produce pretty darned quick, I am proud too say!
My human mother (I have many doting maternal beings) has been saying confusing things about "A" shows for babies, but I don't listen to her.
I have Hanovarian step-cousins but they only send me presents from their county, I have never met them although they are grown up and have a trailer of their own. My human mother brought me a trailer to play with but she is poor and couldn't keep it for more than the holiday so I didn't get a chance to go for a very long ride. I liked it, though, My human toy man rode with me and gave me many treats.
Would Alice, PK, Bambi, Robbie, and Joe like to be invited to my birthday party? My human mother has promised me anything I want. I am making a list but she won't let me see any of the nice catalogs that she has. The only ones she leaves around for me to see have the words "Select Sale" on them and the horses in those ones don't have nice things to wear.
Arch Man! You haf nearly von mein heart mit your wonderful song. I am sending you big kiss. Ven ve meet you will sing me my song, ja? Maybe you teach it to Jair und haf him sing to me so I can hear what it is sounding like.
Proof Set, you are sounding wery young. You vill learn vas ist work. It is not too bad, und you will like der jumping. You vill get to dress up und all people will tell you how pretty you are und give you treats, und you vill be able to show off for the other horses.
All my humans watch and neigh loudly! They come running but don't seem pleased that I can jump so high over the funny white tapes in my way.
Then they stroke me all over and give me many, many treats! My Aunt Pat has the best treats, she brings me cored and sliced apples. My other human mother (the one that comes every day) acts unhappy and then she gets fussy and only lets me have the cookies she bought for everyone! .
My human toy man bought me a new halter but it is very, very big and I am annoyed with him. It is NOT what I wanted! I have a turn out sheet but it isn't a Rambo and even my Hanovarian step-cousin's companion pony has one of those!
I just returned to my field after a lesson with my master's mean evil trainer. All he kept yelling at her to do was to kick me and hit me. Not much fun, but I finally gave in an started go round. That flatwork crap is for the birds!!!!
But I had fun and I got to jump big jumps. I made my master work though. I wasn't going to be her guardian angel to all those 3'6" jumps. She had to actually package me together and think for a change or I was going to leave from wherever I wanted to.
All in all a fun day, but I am glad to be back in the field doing what I do best - EATING!
MAZ, and Jair - I'm just getting to know Joe and the two of you have to go and let your horses teach him how to access the web? Are you trying to kill me? All he wants to do now is mug for treats and act like the 5 year old he is!!!
He hasn't figured out yet that he is allowed to misbehave when we're working. The worst he does is stop and hang out in the middle of the ring when he thinks we're done and looke back at me with this hang-dog expression "you mean I haf to keep vorking?"
That's going to change awfully quickly if you all let your ponies corrupt mine! Come on ... he's only a baby and I'm just a Mom trying to keep my pony safe and sheltered in this scary world!