[HalfArabian]

Hi, does anyone else here have dysfunctional relationship with their Mom's? I do and I guess I always have had one. It was normal for me, so it was had not made me aware that it was differant from others families! Long story short, talked to Ma last Thanksgiving and she would not tell me she did not like my new SO. She told my sisters and it got ugly from there. Oh well. Life is too short to try and please everyone!

[JanM]

You are exactly right. Life is too short to spend it trying to get someone to love you who never will. Some people don't love anyone but themselves, and some are just plain mean. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to meet you halfway, so maybe you need to make your own way and find people who treasure you for the wonderful person you are.

I haven't had a relationship with my own mother for a lot of years, and for a lot of reason, and I'm much happier without her guilt trips and interference. You have to decide what makes you happy, and if a limited relationship, or a clearly defined relationship will allow you to have a relationship with her that is more adult, but maybe not the typical mother-daughter relationship. You need to figure out what you need, and go on from there.

[superD]

I no longer speak to my parents, haven't since after Thanksgiving.

Story.......( sorry long)

My brother and his family live in Germany ( military ) they will be there for another year and some. My parents went over Thanksgiving. Ok cool whatever. I call my parents 2nd week of Dec to see when we are going to the TSO concert that my Dad and I go to every year. ( they live 6 hours away from me) I get the " Oh your mother and I are going to Germany for christmas". Um ok what about me??!! I get the answer of well you live in PA and don't have a passport. REALLY???????? Then I get the oh well you should of asked what we are doing for the holiday. AGAIN REALLY????????? I am in my late 30's and have always done the same thing EVERY SINGLE YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!!! Why would I ask now?????????

They still don't understand why I am so hurt and angry.

[Big_Tag]

I'm super tight with my dad, barely speak to my mom. It is what it is. I (sadly) don't even notice my lack of communication with my mom. And it's "normal" for us.

It it doesn't TRULY bother you, it's normal for you. I think for most people that's sound advice.

[Hampton Bay]

Yes, somewhat. Mine is currently insisting on trying to make me feel sorry for my pregnant little sister. Has been for about 8 months now.

I might feel sorry for her if I were able to have kids of my own, or if I were in a place in my life where I COULD adopt, but I'm going through a divorce, and no one is going to adopt their child to a single mom when there are so many couples looking.

But almost every time I talk to her, she goes on and on about how it must be sooooooo horrible to be my sister.

If it's not this, it's usually something else I've not done well enough to make her happy. Some other way I haven't met the bar.

I've just stopped answering the phone or returning texts for now. If she can't respect that I can't and won't feel sorry for my sister for being able to get pregnant, then I'm not going to continue to let her upset me.

[Wayside]

My mom and I get along great. My dad and I have a relationship that's... distant, I suppose.

He's a decent enough guy and I'm pretty sure he'd come through for me if I truly needed help and asked him for it, but he's sort of self-centered and oblivious. We only talk a few times a year. Or maybe I should say he talks at me a few times a year

He's a great photographer, and when I got married, I asked if he'd be willing to take our wedding pictures. He agreed, brought his camera, and then didn't use it. We have no pictures of our wedding. None. If I hadn't passed my el cheapo camera to a friend, we wouldn't have any pictures of the reception either, but at least somebody took a few.

When I was younger it used to bother me. Once, many years ago, he was visiting, and I tried to have a serious conversation with him about some of the things that were really troubling me about our relationship. He laughed at me, and I threw all of his luggage out the front door.

These days I'm pretty okay with it. They visit his wife's kids several times a year, so I teased him about the fact that I haven't seen him in 5 or so years, and he told me his wife doesn't really consider me part of their family. Great Dad, thanks .

But I have a happy fulfilling life without him, when he does call he has interesting stories, so I've basically just decided to spend approximately the same amount of time and effort on our relationship as he does. Which is almost none

[SarahandSam]

My dad's awesome, but I have a rather standoffish relationship with my mother... she was not the warmest mom growing up, to put it mildly, and I have a lot of resentment still built up as a result. I understand where she was coming from a lot better now that I'm an adult--she has a hair-trigger temper, she was unemployed and stressed, we were living in a trailer, I was probably a pain in the ass--but I can't quite forgive her to the point where I can pretend everything's hunky-dory and we're best friends. We get along fine now, but I am still too cautious to be very open or relaxed with her, despite her attempts to suddenly forge some make-believe mommy/daughter relationship now (buying me "mother's love" charm bracelets for Christmas, wailing and screeching like a banshee as I walked down the aisle at my wedding, etc.). I wish I could just put the past behind me and go along with it, but I can't.

[JanM]

Another thing I've noticed is that if you are not the favored child, then nothing you do will be good enough. My older brothers (It's because they're boys) were praised for everything, never punished (and I'm not talking little things, but that car theft ring in high school was one) for anything, and nothing is too good for the males in my family. I have realized that this is the way it will always be with my parents, and decided since I won't live like that I will need to find my own way to happiness.


I have always paid every penny for my houses, while my brothers had three bought for them (two for one brother). I have three college degrees, and I paid for two of them all by myself. My parents didn't even say anything about either advanced degree, and barely showed for my college graduation (I went to the cheapest school possible because they were paying for that one, and knew they were being generous to pay for that).

I have realized that nothing I do will be good enough for them, and everything my brothers do will always be very important to them. I have totally given up on getting anything from them emotionally, or even a phone call, so I have made my own family of friends who care about me and love me. When I had a house fire I didn't even bother my family, but stayed with the two friends who came running when I needed them. Everyone needs to be loved and cherished, and when your biological family doesn't do that, then find others who will. Of course, that also means when my parents need something (the only times they had enough time to even be bothered with me, unless they wanted to brag about something either brother did), is when they need something. I know they expected that when they got older I would dump my job, move home and be their servant-not ever happening.

[elmerandharriet]

I'm lacking ovaries my mom seems to think ill have a child so.... when we go shopping she would pick out my babyry furniture we don't talk much..

[Wayside]

I feel really bad for those of you who can't have children and are getting the baby pressure from family members It's obnoxious enough for those of us who can have bio kids, and I can't imagine how painful it would be if you wanted to, and couldn't.

Neither of my parents have done that, thankfully, but MIL keeps asking us when we're having more kids. I told her I got my tubes tied last year, and her response was "Miracles can happen."

[vacation1]

Thank God for this thread, I was dying to vent. I've been going demented with Mother's Day stuff this weekend, since my mother has picked two huge fights out of nowhere this month, and I feel more like throwing something at her than presenting her with a token of love. Anyone else have a mother who always picks a fight right before a holiday? I've gotten smart enough to bite my tongue nearly in half before Christmas, and avoid her like the dickens before major holidays, but this time it was utterly unavoidable - she just found some stupid excuse and flipped her lid, no participation from me needed at all.

[Hampton Bay]

I feel really bad for those of you who can't have children and are getting the baby pressure from family members It's obnoxious enough for those of us who can have bio kids, and I can't imagine how painful it would be if you wanted to, and couldn't. ...

Imagine a really really bad breakup with someone you loved, only with almost no light at the end of the tunnel. That's about how it feels. I get that all they care about at this point is babies, and they really couldn't care less if I dropped off the face of the earth. This has been proven by the fact that I have tried to call and they don't even bother to call back, texts don't get returned, and they couldn't have cared less if I made it home safely from a weekend on Bourbon Street last weekend. As in they didn't bother to see if I was alive for 4 days. Normally when I go out of town, if I don't at least text twice a day, they will keep calling or texting until I answer.

So really, the least mom could do is stop talking about how horrible it is to be my sister. But every conversation returns to that. Never mind that my sister has done nothing but whine and complain, and even try to trick me into coming to visit her so she could announce her pregnancy to my face. I'm still supposed to feel sorry for her.

I still haven't called for Mother's Day.

[Beentheredonethat]

Well, not like I have it figured out by far, but all I can say is try to change how you see the relationship. Moms are SUPPOSED to be a lot of things. They are not. Probably most of them are getting to the point, or will be, where you have to start being the caretaker in one way or another.

My mom and step-father will lose it all, maybe before he dies, or not, to give a leech sibling everything. Things are falling apart. I'm closest and have to go in and clean and make sure everything is all right. If I try to talk to her about finances, she runs away because she has an "appointment." I need to decide if I am going to use my savings to fix the really bad roof and rotting wood. They should be pulling in at least $8,000 a month, but it's all gone, and leaking out every which way.

I'm going over there in a bit to do the yard because my mom can't do it and can't afford to pay someone to. She forgot my birthday a week and a half ago for the, I don't know how many years in a row it's been. Her birthday is next week, and I always remember it and mother's day.

It doesn't matter, does it? You have to do what you can do, and deal with it.

[carolprudm]

My mom has been dead for 16 years and on Mother's Day I try to remember her in a good light but I wasn't the daughter my parents wanted. She was a good sport coming to most of my events and holding my horse though.

it's probably Karma, none of my grown children have called.

[Wayside]

I still haven't called for Mother's Day.

I don't blame you I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and that your family is rubbing salt in the wound on top of everything else. You have my sympathy.

[elmerandharriet]

I got yelled at because I waited til I saw her this evening to tell her happy mother's day... I did make sure I watched her dog and got the mail but I still did something wrong ugh

[akrogirl]

Another thing I've noticed is that if you are not the favored child, then nothing you do will be good enough. My older brothers (It's because they're boys) were praised for everything, never punished (and I'm not talking little things, but that car theft ring in high school was one) for anything, and nothing is too good for the males in my family. I have realized that this is the way it will always be with my parents, and decided since I won't live like that I will need to find my own way to happiness.


I have always paid every penny for my houses, while my brothers had three bought for them (two for one brother). I have three college degrees, and I paid for two of them all by myself. My parents didn't even say anything about either advanced degree, and barely showed for my college graduation (I went to the cheapest school possible because they were paying for that one, and knew they were being generous to pay for that).

I have realized that nothing I do will be good enough for them, and everything my brothers do will always be very important to them. I have totally given up on getting anything from them emotionally, or even a phone call, so I have made my own family of friends who care about me and love me. When I had a house fire I didn't even bother my family, but stayed with the two friends who came running when I needed them. Everyone needs to be loved and cherished, and when your biological family doesn't do that, then find others who will. Of course, that also means when my parents need something (the only times they had enough time to even be bothered with me, unless they wanted to brag about something either brother did), is when they need something. I know they expected that when they got older I would dump my job, move home and be their servant-not ever happening.

Boy, does your story sound familiar, except in my case it was my younger brother and all the offspring of family friends who got all the praise. I was expected to do all the housework when I got home from school and get dinner started - never got any thanks, just complaints about why I hadn't done more. I also had to cook, clean and help my father work on the car on the weekends while my brother got to go off and play with his friends. My mother also got me a Saturday job without asking me first, something my brother never had to do. No real praise for getting my pharmacy degree, and certainly none for getting my MBA a few years ago with a 4.0 GPA.

My brother never did leave home and my mother left pretty much everything to him "because he didn't go to university". Excuse me, but that was his choice and neither of my degrees cost my parents anything either. I even had to start staying in a hotel when I went back home to visit (I had put an ocean and entire continent between us many years ago) because, as I found out later, my mother had already signed the house over to my brother. She also expected me to go back when she was ill. I told my brother I would help if I could stay with them, but I couldn't afford the $5000 airfare plus rental car and hotel bill - which was true since I had lost my job previously. Apparently, that wasn't acceptable.

Of course, everyone else thought my mother was wonderful. Luckily for me, my husband got to see firsthand how she treated me when no-one else was around.

[pal-o-mino]

Haven't spoken to her in at least 15 years. Aaahhh... life is good. Yes, it's weird not having a mom, but even weirder when she is around, so... eh.

[MunchingonHay]

At a young age I became the parent and she became the child. Its been like that ever since. I am 36 now.


I am totally exhausted right now, I will add more later if OT day is still open.

[Grataan]

I'm super tight with my dad, barely speak to my mom. It is what it is. I (sadly) don't even notice my lack of communication with my mom. And it's "normal" for us.

It it doesn't TRULY bother you, it's normal for you. I think for most people that's sound advice.

This is mostly what it's like for me, although living so far away from them is probably more useful than being a "grown up" in that regard.

Thankfully though I'm also pretty tight with the inlaws and Dr Mr G and I were "adopted" by a couple from our church who has family that lives very far away-so we spend some holidays and do family style BBQs with them (If you're so inclined, many senior centers have similar programs-often times it's elderly people that have no families and just want to be included or have someone to "take care of")