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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 31, 2003
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    Default Why Do (Horse) Women Do This To Each Other?

    I guess this is a vent but I am also seriously questioning/trying to understand the motivations behind things like this..

    Friend One is given two lame horses by Friend Two. Friend Two is a horse professional, Friend One, a total neophyte. She has no idea both horses are lame, is just thrilled to have horses.

    Fast forward a few years. F1 has spent thousands of dollars and most of her time learning about horses and solving the lameness issues. She comes to realize at some point, that F2 either had no idea they were lame (scary but quite plausible as she proclaimed them sound more than once) or F2 gave her them knowing they were lame. F1 doesnt care, just loves her horses, and continues the friendship as she really likes and cares about F2.

    One of the horses has now been diagnosed with severe navicular changes and is under the care of a very good veterinarian who has laid out a treatment plan. Horse is a prime candidate - huge halter QH with tea cup feet, probably shod at an early age to be shown, etc. etc. F2 and her trimmer friend have decided that F1 needs to have friend trim the horse because she has "fixed hundreds of horses like this" and that is all he needs done to be sound. Apparently they have become so persistent as to have planned an intervention of sorts, actually using words like " you need to put your horse first".

    Why, why do people do this stuff to their "friends"? Seriously, if your friends horse is properly diagnosed with severe navicular disease and is undergoing successful treatment ( was lame at the walk, is now sound at the walk and the trot) why would you be so unkind as to try to undermine her confidence in the program that is working to make the horse comfortable? I am so frustrated for her. She loves this horse and has done nothing but the very best for him. She is of course sad about his prognosis and being treated this way is not helping her.

    I guess this is in a way, a rainy day PSA. Being supportive of your friends during a tough time does not mean making them feel even worse than they already do about a sad prognosis! It means biting your tongue no matter what you think and offering a hug and a little optimism and recognition that they have done their best. This just seems to be so common amongst horse women. In my friendships outside horses, I dont see this stuff. I know horse people are very opinionated and in the habit of sharing those opinions but sometimes it is not appropriate.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.



  2. #2
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    Aug. 9, 2007
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    Default

    I think the term "friend" is overused. I divide the world into users (friends) and givers (true friends.).. Users take from and use other people. They are selfish. Givers help other people and sometimes get taken advantage of by the users. Givers are not selfish and want to help others.

    The users are the ones who call you for emergencies and you roll out of bed and help them. The givers are the ones who help others, and then don't get help from the users when they need help.

    I have a tee shirt that defines "good friends" vs. "true friends." : "A good friend is someone who comes and bails you out of jail. A true friend is someone who is sitting there right beside you saying "Damn, that was fun!."



  3. #3
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    Jan. 31, 2003
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    I agree, CC, that there are friends and non-friends for sure

    It just seems that this scenario is so common amongst horse women
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
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    Deep South
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    Default

    F1 needs to learn that F2 is no F.
    ... _. ._ .._. .._



  5. #5
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    Sep. 26, 2010
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    3,499

    Default

    F1 needs to tell F2 to FO



  6. #6
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    Aug. 8, 2001
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    up the hill from the little river (that floods alarmingly often)
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    F1 needs to tell F2 to FO
    This. Life is too short for "friends" like that. Yikes.
    Full-time bargain hunter.



  7. #7
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    Lexington, KY
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cloudyandcallie View Post
    I have a tee shirt that defines "good friends" vs. "true friends." : "A good friend is someone who comes and bails you out of jail. A true friend is someone who is sitting there right beside you saying "Damn, that was fun!."
    So very true!
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  8. #8
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    Jul. 13, 2008
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by EqTrainer View Post
    why would you be so unkind as to try to undermine her confidence in the program that is working to make the horse comfortable?
    $$$$$$$$$$$$ I'm assuming the trimming is not another gift? Although, actually, F1 would be well advised to decline further freebies from F2. Either F2 is a) completely thick and unable to learn from experience (aka, didn't realize horsies were lame until she gave them to F1, and has learned zero about her limitations from that experience) or b) she's simply evil (knew the horses were lame and offloaded their expense on pal, now wants to scratch trimmer's back by passing him business) Either way, toxic. The intervention idea is a nice touch.



  9. #9
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    Feb. 6, 2012
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    Default

    1. People are crazy
    2. Horse people are even crazier than general crazy.

    And while it happens in both sexes, women are more likely, ime, to not be able to say no to people. They want everyone to like them, and will bend over backwards to make sure they don't offend anyone. (not that all women are like that.. just of the people who are likely to be like that, more seem to be female than male). It's not just in the horse world.

    But when you add that + #2 above = lots of problems.
    I have CDO. It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!



  10. #10
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    Feb. 21, 2009
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    F1 needs to tell F2 to FO
    THAT.
    Patty Stiller CNBBT,CNBF,CLS, CE
    Natural Balance Certified Lameness Specialist ,instructor.
    www.hoofcareonline.com



  11. #11
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    between the barn and the pond
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    Default

    It's hard for fashionistas to sell foundered purses.
    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. (Steven Wright)



  12. #12
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    Apr. 27, 2008
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    Default

    Re thread title - Why are all "Women" being tarred with this one barn drama?

    I have many friends who are women, and none would do this to another.

    I know of a few people of both genders who might do something like this. I choose to keep them at a distance. I consider them people I know, but do not count them among my true friends.

    As far as the dynamics of what is going on with 1 & 2 and what a true friend of 1 should or should not do about it ... that's a problem that doesn't go with the thread title.

    IMO



  13. #13
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    Jan. 16, 2002
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    West Coast of Michigan
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    Default

    Some women define "friend" a little strangely, for sure. And not just horsewomen.
    Click here before you buy.



  14. #14
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    Feb. 21, 2009
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    More seriously, from a barefoot trimming instructor, it sounds like F2 has been brainwashed by the barefoot trimmer who has been misled by junk ,biased ,misinterpreted science into believing that all hoof issues are due to evil metal shoes, and all foot issues can and should be solved without shoes, and that all farriers are greedy evil doers who shoe horses just for the money with blatent disregard for their welfare.
    And, they believe that when it comes to horse foot problems, all barefoot trimming is some kind of miracle just short of the healing skills of God.

    SO.....given that F2 fell for this propaganda my bet is she is so ignorant about the anatomy and foot leg function that she did not think her horses were lame and honestly thinks she gave away sound horses, and likely could not see the spots on a lepoard as it bit her. So we can forgive naivety I suppose.
    Last edited by Patty Stiller; Apr. 22, 2012 at 05:19 PM.
    Patty Stiller CNBBT,CNBF,CLS, CE
    Natural Balance Certified Lameness Specialist ,instructor.
    www.hoofcareonline.com



  15. #15
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    Sep. 8, 2010
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    Default

    F1 is an idiot for not getting a PPE. F1 needs to tell F2 that her vet has things under control but thanks for the offer. Not really a big deal.



  16. #16
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    Nov. 17, 2006
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    Default

    I can think of three "good" horsey friends who played me to the point they are no longer friends. I agree with poster who mentioned users. In my case all three were definite users (almost wrote losers...Fruedian slip). It can certainly be disheartening. Now I just keep horsey acquaintances. Easier than being hurt.



  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    F1 needs to tell F2 to FO
    This.
    www.Somermistfarm.com
    Hunter Ponies & Quality GSDs
    www.UnleashedK9.net



  18. #18
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    Oct. 21, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by cloudyandcallie View Post
    The users are the ones who call you for emergencies and you roll out of bed and help them. The givers are the ones who help others, and then don't get help from the users when they need help.
    Wow isn't that the truth! The last couple years I realized this pattern and put a stop to it. Something about turning 40 and realizing this is my life and there's not enough time in it to deal with users.

    But I agree with the OP, the horse world really seems to breed this behavior. Fwiw, what a nice person your one friend sounds like, good for her for helping those horses.



  19. #19
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    Dec. 13, 1999
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SnicklefritzG View Post
    F1 needs to tell F2 to FO
    That was FUNNY!

    people all over do this to each other, and you're right, F2 is no F, just someone who knows F1 and is taking advantage of her
    ______________________________
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances. - ET



  20. #20
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    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by ParadoxFarm View Post
    I can think of three "good" horsey friends who played me to the point they are no longer friends. I agree with poster who mentioned users. In my case all three were definite users (almost wrote losers...Fruedian slip). It can certainly be disheartening. Now I just keep horsey acquaintances. Easier than being hurt.
    Yep. BTDT. (Yes, my username is not reference to how great I am, btu how many times I've been screwed over!) It took me a LONG time to figure out the users and get rid of them. I got used and abused VERY badly. The worst "friends" are the ones that keep repeating how they ARE you friends, as if to remind you as they screw you that this is a good thing.

    There are a LOT more sociopaths than you think in the world, they say maybe 1 in every 100 people. These people are often very good talkers, master manipulators, and, being sociopaths, have no empathy for anyone else. Normal people who have sympathy and empathy have a really hard time understanding how anyone can behave like this, until you've been screwed over a few times.



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