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  1. #1
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    Default Friends and affairs

    keeping in mind our general audience, please don't mention intimate details.

    But how does one deal with friends who are having affairs with married people?

    I've had more than a few good friends date married people or date others while married. I don't know what to make of it. I figure if you want to date, get out of your marriage. I don't have any particular love for the married state, but I figure, if your make the vow, honour it or get out before you begin dating. Otherwise you are an adulteress/adulterer. Its not a pejorative, its just a fact.

    The reason it bugs me is because these friends want to socialize with me with their paramours, bring them to my house, etc for parties or invite me to come out in a group for dinner or a hike or whatever.

    I have a hard time feeling civil to a married woman dating my single guy friend or to the married man my single girl friend is dating. I have a hard time being civil to my married woman friend when I know she is "cheating". But yet they are still my friends. I don't blame my single friends for dating married people so much- I figure the onus is on the married person for putting themselves out there, but it ain't easy. I did talk to my married girlfriend and asked her not to bring her dates to my place because her husband is also my friend.

    When I talk to these folks, none of them is "open" about their affairs: this is not a case where the spouse has given them permission to date others or an open marraige. But most of them say they haven't had sex with their spouses for years and they live separate lives in the same house.

    What do others think and do in these situations?
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  2. #2
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    I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.
    I have CDO. It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!



  3. #3
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    I am with Tapper, I don't and won't be party to such behaviour.
    "The stumbler doesn’t build her life by being better than others, but by being better than she used to be."
    David Brooks



  4. #4
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tapperjockey View Post
    I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.
    Yep. Unless the "single" partner is being deceived and doesn't know the person they're dating is married, they're just as guilty. Wait until the divorce is final or find someplace else to hang out. (Speaking as someone whose friend was the cheated-on spouse.)



  5. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tapperjockey View Post
    I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.
    Same here. It is important to me that I respect my friends and I don't respect people cheating on their spouses or those whose self-esteem is so low that they'll accept a paramour who is married to someone else. I completely agree with OP...if you are unhappy in your marriage, leave BEFORE you even consider getting involved with someone else. It's best done when there is no one even remotely on the horizon, so you know you are leaving for the right reason. Been there and done that. It's not easy and takes some courage to know you'll be alone, but that's the way to do it. I've dumped two female friends who thought I should be hanging out with them and their married boyfriends. No thanks. If they want to do something like that, I do not want to know about it and I most certainly don't want to be involved.



  6. #6
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    Default

    I have also dumped cheater friends. I SUCK at keeping my big fat mouth shut when something offends my sensibilities that much.

    Last time I dealt with that I lost/dumped the wife, husband and mistress as friends. I only miss the wife. The husband I saw out a while later with yet another female and I loudly said "Ah, out whoring without the usual whore today, are we??"

    He hates me. I really don't care.
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  7. #7
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    Feb. 25, 2012
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    Default

    Agree agree agree! I do the same thing! I don't hang out with people who I don't respect and that is behavior I totally don't respect, let alone want to support. Good for you.

    On a slightly different note, I was amazed a friend of my husbands wanted him to write some sort of note to the Catholic Church in support of annulment of his marriage, that would be his 22 year marriage which produced 4 kids. My husband didn't do it and I was glad.



  8. #8
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    It's not always so simple.

    My best childhood fried was quite miserable in her marriage and getting ready to divorce but was just stuck in such an energy sucking rut it was awful. Her husband is an alcoholic and was an extremely heavy drinker. She had the whole co-dependence thing going on so even though she was miserable it was very, very tough for her to walk away because she still loved this guy despite the booze.

    The whole situation as kind of sickening but a guy she has worked with for 20 years totally took advantage of the situation. He was her exercise buddy but then turned into her "consoler". He would come out with us for a drink and see to it that she got a lot to drink. Enough that he would then offer to give her a ride home, that sort of stuff. Then he told her how beautiful she was and how his life had been on hold waiting for her to be free for 20 years and in her weakened and semi delusional and extremely stressed out state she bought it hook line and sinker.

    This may have been a positive thing in one way as it did seem to give her the energy to be serious about proceeding with her divorce and she acknowledged that she was using the impetus from this jerk to motivate her to move on.

    It's a whole, long convoluted story. I do not judge her. Her husband got treatment and has been sober for over a year. She tapered off with her friend but they still work together and it is a sticky situation as she is still quite messed up. Apparently when the drinker gets clean the sober one often has more issues.

    So, there are often very complex reasons that people cheat. I don't condone it and I did anything to avoid socializing with the jerk who not only took advantage of my bestie but also encouraged her to behave in some dangerous ways(drinking and driving). Ultimately she is 100% responsible for her actions and has to live with herself but I still do not have to like the guy. But my friendship is important enough that I wouldn't have shunned her because of him.

    People who are just cheaters in general? I don't currently have friends like that. I have in the past had a female friend with a married boyfriend who sort of became part of her family and group of friends. I figured if this guy could be gone 7 nights per week until 4am and all of his weekends then his wife could not possibly have cared. In fact, the more I got to know him I decided she was probably glad to be rid of him without having to financially disrupt her family and finances after 30 years of marriage.



  9. #9
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    LIFE is convoluted and complicated. That in itself is not an excuse to be a cheater.

    I understand you want to stick up for your friend but she is an adult, yes? But she is still your friend and everyone needs a good friend. It sounds like she regrets her horrible behavior.

    The decision to cheat is just that, a decision. Some are made during easy times, some during hard times. Those of us that can remain honest and mature during the hard times should be commended.
    Last edited by twotrudoc; Apr. 8, 2012 at 08:01 PM. Reason: add for clarification
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  10. #10
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    Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by twotrudoc View Post
    Those of us that can remain honest and mature during the hard times should be commended.
    You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So until you've done that I don't think you can call someone else's decisions, no matter how seemingly poor at the time from a rational persons point of view, dishonest or immature.

    I think there are a lot of lazy and dishonest people who cheat. Probably 99% of cheaters come in this category. Like my other friend with the guy whose wife just did not seem to care. Too lazy to change his life and his wife didn't look to hard at the situation. It seemed to work for them. Whatever.



  12. #12
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    Default

    Sketcher, yes, I agree that life is complicated and presents us with situations for which we are unprepared, and most of us do the best we can as we trudge our path to happy destiny. But, as trudoc said, its a choice. Lots of people have been in lousy relationships, marriages, etc and have NOT made that decision. they get themselves OUT before starting something new. I am not suggesting that I would run my friends over with a bus, but I also don't have to support behavior/values with which I am uncomfortable.


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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilitiger2 View Post
    but I also don't have to support behavior/values with which I am uncomfortable.
    I never said I supported it. I told her I didn't really want him around. I told her not to use me as an alibi. I told her I thought she was making a big mistake. But she is my best friend and I love her. So, yes, I will always support her even through stupidness. Just like she would do for me.


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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.
    It's narrow minded to expect my friends to not honor the vows they made, and to not deal with people who would not honor that? I like respecting my friends. I am not friends with people I don't respect. That includes people who cheat others (in marriage as well as in other aspects), liars, and abusers.
    I have CDO. It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!



  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.
    Thank you.



  16. #16
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    It sounds like she was in a bad spot and was lucky to have a friend like you. The individuals from my experience entered in to affairs with very little regard for the partners (and were together in one case while the wife of one was delivering!). And for me, just no. Another was very sad and ANGRY at the wife (!!!) for not "supporting" her husband in this...?? I guess I don't know examples where it all worked out well and all parties were happy. If I did, or if I knew couples where all parties knew and were agreeable, I gues I'd feel differently. But in my experience, someone is getting betrayed and its a trainwreck. And even for couples that opt to stay together, recovery is a formidable task.



  17. #17
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    Sketcher, I have had the opportunity to be in your friends shoes. I just did not take that particular opportunity, KWIM

    A few things though, southernlawyer (are you a divorce lawyer??? LOL!!), a friend who makes one mistake, regrets it and moves on, that is different. The particular gal I am no longer friends with slept with about 5 of my friends husbands and also pretty much anything that looked at her. The garbage man for the place we used to work at had to call the owner and ask him to ask her to stop following him around (because the idiot had, of course, ho'd around and now was afraid his wifey would find out!!) for petes sake.

    Everything in perspective.
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.
    Sorry, I don't condone lying, cheating, stealing, and deliberately inflicting pain on others. I hope you get to experience what my friend did when she found out how seriously her now-ex-husband was taking the marriage vows (ie ignoring them completely.) People who engage in that sort of behavior don't deserve support and friendship until they atone and make amends, if it's even possible.



  19. #19
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    I like those who say you have to walk a mile in those shoes and that life is complicated.
    In all cases, I knew these friends before they were involved in affairs or with married people and they were all good friends. People I otherwise trust and have enjoyed and have treated me well. And they are " in love" well, I would call it lust, but perhaps it is a kind of love when they are dating the married people who act as if they are single. And I've heard the stories of the married paramours- marriages where things are not happy, but there are kids to parent or financial reasons, or even one where the kids are grown, but they stay together to enjoy the family social circle and grandkids and even are active in achristian church, but they both have lust affairs. Its a weird world. It makes my stomach churn a bit for those folks, but yet I still love my friends and hate to lose them over a simple judgement on a complicated situation.

    Because I would not act as an alibi for my married girlfriend, I lost her and her husband as friends. They ultimately made up with each other but are not friends with me.

    The others, I am not sure what to do. I think Southernlawyer was brave to speak up but their statement is pretty judgmental on the rest of you, so its kind of the pot calling the kettle black.

    For now I continue to socialize with my friends, but it is less and less frequent as they become more involved with their married paramours and I don't join them for that, so I guess these friendships will just naturally fade away.

    And I know the other side of it. My husband had affairs and left me after 11 years. I did notknow about the affairs until after our marriage ended. But many of our mutual friends knew and allowed the woman and my husband to attend their houses for poker nights, dinners, etc, while I was away or at work. It hurt a lot when I found out, but after a while, I was glad he had the guts to eventually leave, even if he didn't have the guts to tell me why until much later. I am no longer friends with any of the folks who condoned the behavior, but that is more their embarassment and choice than mine.
    "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.
    boring... humm never thought of myself that way



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