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  1. #1
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    Default WWYD? Parent accosted my child

    So a parent of another child at school decided my 8 yo gave her a 'dirty look' and grabbed her arm and yelled at her. I have a conference set up for tomorrow, but am I out of line in not wanting this parent allowed in the school unless accompanied by a faculty member? Private school, so not much recourse ie school board. I was ticked enough to want to call the police, but DH said see what the school has to say first. And he is out of town for the week, so I am not supposed to get arrested Only mildly joking. Legalish advice welcomed
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"



  2. #2
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    On the one hand, I'd be absolutely mama bear if I knew that someone touched our kids aggressively--and they're not even mine--they are my step kids.

    On the other hand, let's say that one of their friends was at my house and was being rude or disrespectful. I'd correct them. And if that meant grabbing them by the arm to get their attention, I would. And if their parents were pissed I'd say "tough luck charlie, that was on my time."

    To be REALLY honest, I'd examine what your kid MIGHT have done and consider the possibility that your kid screwed up. It's possible.

    It MIGHT be a GOOD thing that someone stepped up. I dunno. You might have had the red ribbon in YOUR tail that day and stepped up too.

    Kids are naughty sometimes. They're trying to learn boundaries. Do you REALLY want to teach them NOT to respect other adults? If this adult was being reasonable, maybe this was a good lesson.

    Maybe not. Can't know without being there.

    And in that vein (not being there) I'd tread lightly.

    God knows our kids are naughty beings sometimes!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    As the one who generally yells at the kids in my neighborhood, what did your kid do? IME, most people have better things to do than deal with an 8 yo, and frequently kids lie to save their own butt. Even good, saintly kids will lie when asked "did you do this?" by a parent after another adult makes an accusation or observation. Think about, what does the adult have to gain by making up something against an 8 yo? Personally, I have better things to do than deal with your kid, & if I bring something to your attention, he really did do it.

    I find it pretty funny that "it takes a village" to raise child until that child is corrected by someone in that village.



  4. #4
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    Short of intervening to stop a kid from hurting themselves or others (on purpose or by accident), it's not usually okay in my book for adults to go around grabbing children, even if the little snot DID give them a dirty look (and I'm not saying yours did, I'm just saying even if!!!).

    I would just make it painfully clear that you 1) don't ever condone any child disrespecting an adult 2) don't ever want another adult grabbing your kid unless it's a safety thing like I mentioned above and 3) absolutely would like that adult to alert a person in authority (a principal, you, whatever) the next time he or she perceives disrespect coming from your child as you absolutely won't tolerate it and prefer to handle matters on your own.



  5. #5
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    Were there witnesses?
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



  6. #6
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    I cannot remember exactly my son's incident but I had a parent reprimand my son at school harshly when I came to pick him up and I did not fight back. Stand up for your child if you feel that your child was unjustly being made a victim by someone's parent. I had to leave the school with my son and not say anything because I was too upset. He survived, but I was and am still upset by the acts of this other parent. My son is not agressive, and I think he was accused wrongly but I chose to not react since my reaction would have been too angry at the time. He chose to be around a group of agressive boys because he wanted to be friends with one other boy that he liked. My message to him was "don't be with aggressive boys unless you want to be painted with the same brush".



  7. #7
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    UMMMM, a dirty LOOK? No, you don't get to touch my child for that.
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  8. #8
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    I feel your pain, same thing happened to my daughter many moons ago. When they are little, you need to be an advocate, DO NOT STAND DOWN. This parent is a bully, they should never be allowed to come into contact with your child again. Good luck!



  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by red mares View Post
    I find it pretty funny that "it takes a village" to raise child until that child is corrected by someone in that village.
    Yep. That's what I thought.

    If your daughter was being a brat then maybe the parent did you a favor by getting your child back in line and would hope that you would do the same for hers if necessary.

    I'd be curious to know how you came about the story. Was it from your daughter? Or an adult that saw it happen?

    I think if your daughter misbehaved and an adult requested that she do (or stop doing) something and she ignored the adult then there may not be anything wrong with someone gently taking your child by the arm. I sure would not go by the 8 y.o. description of the events.

    Is there a reason that you can not assume the best and ask the parent directly what your child did - if you approach them in a non-confrontational manner you will more likely get the true story and then if you are still uncomfortable you can simply ask them not to do it again and leave it at that.

    If you escalate by asking that the parent only be allowed in the building with an escort - that sounds a bit over the top.



  10. #10
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    Maybe I'm jaded, but I suspect that "dirty look" was via kid. and a parent might have something else to say.

    I dunno.

    Just had a houseful of teens this weekend--all were very courteous. But I wouldn't have hesitated one minute to make a correction while they were in my home on my watch. (but I know all their parents and that is okay with them!)


    So I dunno.

    Kids are so damned tricky!!! So much easier to have dogs and horses.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  11. #11
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    As a veteran teacher (public school) I like the advice BuddyRoo gave you. Please, please get more information before confronting the school administration and the parent in question. "Grabbing your kid" and simply holding his/her arm to keep their attention are two different things. Honestly--I do wish more parents would NOT go "mama bear" when their child is accused or caught doing something inappropriate.

    For example, today an 8th grade boy told me to "chill out" when I questioned his reasons for an action. His dad felt I was out of line for reprimanding him. Dear God! Seriously? I hope that works for him as a young adult confronted by an employer or a cop...
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!



  12. #12
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    Honestly, I'd thank the woman for correcting your kid. People don't generally correct other people's kids for fear of being bulletin board fodder. It generally takes something more than a "dirty look" to generate the reaction you're describing.

    Your kid didn't die and won't be scarred for life, unless you count learning not to cast "dirty looks" as scarred.



  13. #13
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    Calvincrowe--

    I'm glad you understand where i was coming from.

    Love the girls. But they do have the ability (and propensity) to twist things a bit. Love them dearly but I know full well that they are NOT saints and they DO screw up.

    I would want more info in this situation because I have a tendency to believe that kids are self serving and try to throw their parents under the bus these days.

    Seen it WAY too much lately to not have a radar constantly pinging for it!!!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Calvincrowe View Post
    As a veteran teacher (public school) I like the advice BuddyRoo gave you. Please, please get more information before confronting the school administration and the parent in question. "Grabbing your kid" and simply holding his/her arm to keep their attention are two different things. Honestly--I do wish more parents would NOT go "mama bear" when their child is accused or caught doing something inappropriate.

    For example, today an 8th grade boy told me to "chill out" when I questioned his reasons for an action. His dad felt I was out of line for reprimanding him. Dear God! Seriously? I hope that works for him as a young adult confronted by an employer or a cop...
    A repremand is one thing, laying a hand on my child would be a whole 'nother thing
    I wasn't always a Smurf
    Penmerryl's Sophie RIDSH
    "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was"
    The ignore list is my friend. It takes 2 to argue.



  15. #15
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by rustbreeches View Post
    Parent accosted my child
    It sounds as though you've already made up your mind that your child was "accosted".
    Perhaps the adult actually reached over for her arm because she was being ignored when trying to discipline your child who might have been out of line.
    Quote Originally Posted by rustbreeches View Post
    So a parent of another child at school decided my 8 yo gave her a 'dirty look' and grabbed her arm and yelled at her. I have a conference set up for tomorrow, but am I out of line in not wanting this parent allowed in the school unless accompanied by a faculty member? Private school, so not much recourse ie school board. I was ticked enough to want to call the police, but DH said see what the school has to say first. And he is out of town for the week, so I am not supposed to get arrested Only mildly joking. Legalish advice welcomed
    There is nothing worse than a parent that feels that their precious child did no wrong and shouldn't be disciplined by another adult.

    She shouldn't be allowed on the school and you want to call the police because she might have grabbed your child by the arm to get her attention?

    This thread has some excellent comments on children:

    http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/sh...d.php?t=341308



  16. #16
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    I'm sorry, but in this day in age, it is just not ok for anyone to put their hands on anyone else's kid.

    You have to draw a line somewhere, and so many people today SUCK at boundaries... which means, you have to take a hard stance. Do Not Touch My Kid. Ever. Nothing black or white about it.

    And why was the parent involved, anyway? In a school setting things should be deferred to the teacher.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.



  17. #17
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    I don't consider grabbing a kid by the arm to be the same as "laying a hand on"....so maybe we're not on the same page. I would not be okay with someone slapping the kids or something. Is that what you mean by "laying a hand on?"
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaideux View Post
    Short of intervening to stop a kid from hurting themselves or others (on purpose or by accident), it's not usually okay in my book for adults to go around grabbing children, even if the little snot DID give them a dirty look (and I'm not saying yours did, I'm just saying even if!!!).

    I would just make it painfully clear that you 1) don't ever condone any child disrespecting an adult 2) don't ever want another adult grabbing your kid unless it's a safety thing like I mentioned above and 3) absolutely would like that adult to alert a person in authority (a principal, you, whatever) the next time he or she perceives disrespect coming from your child as you absolutely won't tolerate it and prefer to handle matters on your own.
    I agree with this. I agree that the grabbing was over the top, but if a child is disrespectful to an adult, then yes, that adult should be correcting them verbally. Not knowing the situation, what happened? Did the other parent address your DD about something and get the eye roll in response? Does DD dislike this person for some reason? Or is it possible that DD was making a face at someone else that the other parent misinterpreted? Without knowing (and remember that neither side may be 100% truthful, trying to save face), it's hard to say if the reprimand was warranted. The grabbing was not, IMO

    I do think asking for the other parent to be banned from campus is a bit much-her child goes there and she will need to be there sometimes. It needs to be made absolutely clear to her by both you and the school that if she touches another student, law enforcement will be asked to investigate the matter. Don't accept anything less than that promise, and it is reasonable to ask that this parent not be allowed any contact with your child.

    One of the worst things a parent can do in this type of situation, though, is automatically assume that their child is completely innocent and could NEVER possibly have done anything wrong. Way too many parents have that attitude, and it enables more bad behavior as well as adisrespectful attitude. She may not even have looked at this parent, but she may also have made a face, rolled her eyes (SUPER rude, in my book!), or otherwise provoked the person...or that person's kid. Does your child get along with hers?



  19. #19
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    Does anyone else remember the thread that was shut down a few days ago about French vs. American parents?

    OMG someone touched my child's arm! In public, as discipline! Send in the cops! Really, no wonder Americans raise brats. We are not talking Jerry Sandusky in a shower here.



  20. #20
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    You can verbally reprimand away if my kid gives you a "dirty look" and get his teacher involved as well if I am not there. For gosh sake... the kids is 8, if they give you a "dirty look" put your big girl panties on and handle it like an adult.

    However, unless you are pulling a child out from in front of a speeding bus, you NEVER lay a hand on (grab, restrain, strike, nothing)someone else's child. NEVER.

    Respectfully disagree with some of you.



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