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  1. #1
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    Default Another Marriage/SO Thread - babies *cringe*

    I don't want to have kids. I've been saying that since I was a teen. Through my early 20s I was 100% sure, now I'm about 90% sure. I see myself living a perfectly happy life with my horses and a future husband. I suppose if I got married to a guy who made me think "I WANT to have a baby with this person" then I could change my mind. But I've seen perfectly happy married couples without kids, and I think, I want that to be me! Once in awhile I'll see a cute kid on a pony and feel a little twinge, but more often I see families at the grocery store and think "UGH! I'm SO GLAD that's not me!" The current plan is to be Crazy Auntie Duckz to my friends kids - then I can give the little monsters back at the end of the day

    Interestingly enough, I know quite a few girls with this same attitude but all the guys I know want kids. We hear a lot of, "oh, when you're xxx age you'll change your mind!" Ok, fine. But I'm pushing 30 and I haven't changed my mind yet. So...now what? I feel like my love life could be in a holding pattern until I'm literally too old to have kids!



  2. #2
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    Coming kinda from the same place as you. Stick to your guns on this one. I see way too many people compromise or relent when their partner pushes them to have a kid or they decide to have a kid because "that's what you do." They aren't happy. There is absolutely no point in bringing another life on to this planet if you are not googly eyed over the idea of being a mom (same goes for the sperm donor....or other parent, if we're going to be completely PC!). You'll find the person who will be right...or you won't, and you'll realize you're happy that way, too.

    I briefly thought I wanted to be a mom as a teen, but I think I thought that because "that's what you do." At some point I realized I am far too selfish to be a parent, and I really have very little desire to get married either (I figure if it happens, it will happen, but I do not actively seek out husband material). I don't really care for little kids, especially babies. Give me a teenager any day!



  3. #3
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    Oct. 15, 2011
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    I totally hear you on this one - I've disliked kids since I was a kid. Certain cousins and friends' kids, sure, but like 99% of children annoy me. I'd say stick to your guns also; yellowbritches gave you a great answer!
    *Wendy* 4.17.73 - 12.20.05



  4. #4
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by yellowbritches View Post
    At some point I realized I am far too selfish to be a parent
    That reminds me...I said that to my mom a few years ago, and without thinking she nodded and said "yeah you're probably right" Her eyes got huge and she tried to backpeddle pretty hard! Gee thanks, Mom

    But seriously, sounds like you and I are on the same page. Is this more common among horse girls? Maybe because I have something warm and fuzzy monopolizing my maternal instincts (ha! like I have any!) I don't feel the needs to make spawn? I know that I would like to be married and have a partner in crime for the rest of my life, but I also know that it needs to be THE guy, not just some guy.



  5. #5
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    Oct. 1, 2010
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    I'll be 30 in April and I am completely happy and fulfilled with a child-free life. My husband is 18 years older than me and his kids ar grown up. When we got married 5 years ago he said if I wanted kids we'll have them but he really had no desire.

    I have NEVER wanted kids, and yes, people have told me all my life that I will change my mind, blah, blah, blah...

    Well guess what?? I haven't. I have never baby-sat, I have never changed a diaper. And I really don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. My step-daughter will probably have kids some day so I'll be a (gulp) very young grandma. I guess I'll get my kid fix then.

    Hubby has been fixed and I had Novasure done last year. I'm completely sure and there will be NO accidents LOL

    I think there are plenty of people who don't have kids and never regret it. I have my dogs, I have my horses and I have a life that I love. I suppose when I'm old and lonely maybe I'll regret it that I don't have family to come visit me but heck, I can leave my $$ to a fantastic charity and not worry about people fighting over my stuff :-)
    Visit us: www.integritysporthorses.com
    High quality retirement boarding: www.flattireranchtx.com



  6. #6
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    I certainly never, ever wanted them. But I don't see what that has to do with your love life. I have been happily married for over 33 years, so i don't understand that. In my 30's, I went through a period where I thought I must be extremely weird for not wanting children (still did not want them -just felt odd about it) but I accept myself better now. I really don't know anyone else who feels this way but that hasn't changed my opinion. Now that I am getting older, I am more grateful than ever not to have children around.



  7. #7
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    Jun. 21, 2006
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    I don't know....for me, it didn't have anything to do with age. I was adamant I never wanted kids until I met Mr. A P and we started getting serious, and only then did I entertain the thought of kids. He was the same as well - did NOT want kids until he met me, and we started to see a life and future together. And sometimes that future has kids, and sometimes we wonder if we'd be happier without. But thruthfully, we both had a fantastic life growing up and can not imagine not giving that to our own children.

    I think it's good to stick to your guns, but I also don't think it ever hurt anyone to have an open mind. Sometimes the person you meet can change you. But I don't think it has anything to do with age.



  8. #8
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    Feb. 5, 2002
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    Martinsburg, WV USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by shiningwizard255 View Post
    I totally hear you on this one - I've disliked kids since I was a kid. Certain cousins and friends' kids, sure, but like 99% of children annoy me. I'd say stick to your guns also; yellowbritches gave you a great answer!
    ^^^This.

    I was thrilled when my OB/GYN offered a tubal ligation instead of a BC script. I asked her if she could do it the following morning!

    There are individual kids I like, but I find kids in general to be annoying. And babies? Blech! (Where's that puke icon??) I have a good time being the "fun" aunt (allow and encourage all sorts of activities my sister forbids ) but my nieces and nephew live several hundred miles away so I don't see them often.

    I have a stepdaughter for six weeks out the year. That's more than enough kid time for me.

    Lorree
    Quote Originally Posted by King's Ransom
    "Now, did you really mean that I should half-pass to the right whilst turning on the haunches to the left? Or was that just you farting?"



  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duckz View Post
    But seriously, sounds like you and I are on the same page. Is this more common among horse girls? Maybe because I have something warm and fuzzy monopolizing my maternal instincts (ha! like I have any!) I don't feel the needs to make spawn? I know that I would like to be married and have a partner in crime for the rest of my life, but I also know that it needs to be THE guy, not just some guy.
    I think it depends on the discipline. I've met tons of H/J women who desperately want to make babies for the purposes of putting them on a pony. Eventing women don't seem to be family oriented in the slightest from what I've observed. Dressage women tend to be old enough to already have had kids and I've had little experience with young women who do Dressage but it's a serious commitment to get into that sport so they may not be inclined to breed and I've seen that many of them do prefer casual relationships.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  10. #10
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    Sep. 26, 2008
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    eh I am married and turing 29 this year and still don't want kids, my husband would not mind having kids but everytime we see kids in public acting like fools he looks at me and goes, hmm I think your right.

    I plan on being the cool aunt.



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miss T View Post
    I certainly never, ever wanted them. But I don't see what that has to do with your love life.
    Many guys I know are dead set on having children. One of the best relationships I ever had ended because he couldn't imagine a childless life. I was devistated, but I couldn't blame him. Ironically, if he'd given me some time I might have come around to the idea of having a child with HIM. Pretty much every other relationship I've had I couldn't imagine adding a child to the mix (I don't mean that as a bad thing). Anyway, after that experience I am much more cautious.

    Oh, and to clear things up I've done the whole baby/diapers thing. I was 12 when my younger brother was born. He was a handful...to say the least. I have NO rainbows n butterflies n sunshine delusions about what it means to have a child!



  12. #12
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    I'm with you! I have never wanted or even remotely "liked" kids (I'm 38). Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. And I'm the first to admit I'm WAY to selfish to want to give up my time for a child...to heck with that! I like to do what I want when I want. My two horses and two dogs are my children My boyfriend of 12 years has a 19 yr old son who is basically my step-son since he was 7 yrs old (I say basically because we aren't married but have lived together for 12 yrs).

    I went and got myself "fixed" in December. It was the best and most liberating thing I've done! After BC for over 20 years...no more!



  13. #13
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    Jun. 18, 2007
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    Default

    Stick to your guns. I have the greatest admiration for parents (GOOD parents), but it is far too important a job to not be sure going in. I'm 42, have been dead sure all my life I don't want them, and have never felt one tick of a biological clock. Man, maybe; kids, no.

    I have met a few men who didn't want kids, but we weren't clicking in other ways. I once signed up at one of those dating sites, and I wound up canceling the account wondering if folks actually can read anymore. The site was pretty clear on, among other things, kids, how important your religious beliefs were to you, etc. Those two, kids and beliefs, are the two points I would insist on matching with a man, and I indicated such. Got an unbelievable number of responses from people differing wildly on both categories, as if they didn't think I meant it or didn't read. Finally just closed the account.

    If a man comes, fine. If not, I'm happy. I do think being happy within yourself is huge for a successful relationship. If two people aren't at peace with themselves, they aren't going to be happy with each other.

    As to the age bit and never getting somebody if you haven't by X, they recently had a wedding at Mom's nursing home. The two residents were 80-some and 90-some.



  14. #14
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    Feb. 4, 2004
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    I am 34 and feel the same. I never liked kids, and I guess assumed for a time I might reach an age and naturally change my mind, but it hasn't happened.

    A tiny piece of me loves the relationship that I have with my parents and will miss not having adult kids one day, but there is not a milisecond of my life that I wish I had actual kid-kids.

    Agree with you that most/all single men our age want kids. I think in part it is the "what you do" mentality. Traditionally that has involved larger change for the woman (career, social life), which is why I think a lot of women who love their lives childless balk at the idea of changing that. I don't want to suggest that men will change their minds, as that is as insulting as suggesting that women will change their minds and want babies, but I do think there is an opportunity for critical thinking within a relationship that hasn't happened yet for youngish single guys.

    There is only so much free time and money available in life, and kids take a big chunk of both. Maybe they will decide that kids are what they want to spend that on, or they might decide that they love the DINKS lifestyle as much as you do. (My SO did).


    P.S.--I disagree with the societal assumption that having kids is somehow altruistic and not having them is selfish. People can make either decision for selfless or selfish reasons.



  15. #15
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    Remaining childfree is a totally legitimate choice.

    It's a choice I made for myself when I was a teenager, and something people have been trying to convince me I would change my mind about when I was older.

    The funny thing is, when I was in my twenties, they'd always tell me I was "too young" to say I never wanted kids. . .but my friends who were desperate to find a guy and get married and start making babies were never told they were "too young" to make that kind of choice for themselves.

    Well, now in my thirties, I am even more confident that I don't want children. There is nothing at all about having them that appeals to me. Nothing.

    I don't doubt that there are some people who think it's the best thing that ever happened to them, and I'm happy for them that kids are what made their lives meaningful and complete.

    But that's them. It's not me. Having kids is not a mistake I want to make just because other people told me it's what I'm supposed to do.

    I know people who did have kids because they felt obligated to have them. Their parents wanted grandkids. Their siblings wanted nieces and nephews. Their church taught that it was their "duty" to produce children. I know people who had kids because they wanted a cute little baby and all of the Kodak moments to go along with it. I know people who have kids because they thought it would keep a relationship from ending.

    Many of them still haven't caught on to the idea that they're not just responsible for keeping their kid sheltered and fed. It's also their job to teach their kids how to go through life, take care of themselves, treat other people, and eventually become responsible adults.

    You are not "less of a woman" for not having kids. You are not selfish for choosing not to have kids. You are not a "mean old child-hater" for not wanting to have children of your own. You simply know yourself well enough to make your own informed lifestyle choices.

    My boyfriend has a four year old grandson. I have two nieces and a nephew. Cute kids, fun to spend time with, spoil, get hyped up on sugar, give them a bunch of noisy battery-operated toys, and send them back home to their parents at the end of the day.

    Then I can go out to a nice, quiet barn and groom my horse in peace.
    Please copy and paste this to your signature if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Lets raise awareness.



  16. #16
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    I never wanted kids either. Thought I did for like, a second, when I was about 28. I had ovarian surgery and a doc told me that I'd never have kids 'cause I don't ovulate.

    DH and I had been back and forth about kids. He wanted them, I didn't, then he didnt then he did.

    Found out about 2 months ago I'm pregnant. I'm about 3 months now, and I really still don't like kids so much. But I'm fiercly protective of my little fetus. I'm having a very hard pregnancy with a lot of complications and all I want is this little kid to come out healthy.

    In other words, you don't actually know how you'll feel about a baby of your own until you are pregnant.
    Which can happen even when the doctor tells you it can't. I totally respect people who have no kids. It's a personal choice. Good luck to you.



  17. #17
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    I was uninterested in having kids of my own until I met DH



  18. #18
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    Mr Hasahorse and I are childless by choice. He has never wanted kids, and I could have always gone either way. We have fur kids - 2 cats, 2 dogs, and my horse - and any time we are in public with out of control kids, we look at each other and say "dogs, this is why we have dogs".
    The interesting thing is that my mother always told me not to have children for her - have them because you truly want them, not to fulfill someone elses desires. His mom was pushing for a grandkid until she got really sick and knew that she would never be able to fun grandma things. We have gotten the most pressure from my sister, who is the parent of a very obnoxious 6 year old, and a friend of his. His friend, K, who was pregnant at the time, looked at me one night and said "maybe Paul will change his mind and you can have one too." Sweetheart, I couldn't close that deal in 15 years, what makes you think you can "help" with this in 9 months?
    I gave Mr H until I was 40 to change his mind because I didn't want to be pregnant after that - we are happily childless as I just turned 41.
    My new mantra - \"Life is too short not to eat ice cream.\"
    ReRiders Clique



  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    In other words, you don't actually know how you'll feel about a baby of your own until you are pregnant.
    Which is not the ideal way of finding that out, given that some people do not have the change of heart you did, and at that point (if they carry to term) there's another human life to consider.

    I've always liked the phrase "I'd rather regret not having them, than regret having them."



  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    I never wanted kids either. Thought I did for like, a second, when I was about 28. I had ovarian surgery and a doc told me that I'd never have kids 'cause I don't ovulate.

    DH and I had been back and forth about kids. He wanted them, I didn't, then he didnt then he did.

    Found out about 2 months ago I'm pregnant. I'm about 3 months now, and I really still don't like kids so much. But I'm fiercly protective of my little fetus. I'm having a very hard pregnancy with a lot of complications and all I want is this little kid to come out healthy.

    In other words, you don't actually know how you'll feel about a baby of your own until you are pregnant.
    Which can happen even when the doctor tells you it can't. I totally respect people who have no kids. It's a personal choice. Good luck to you.

    THIS ^ We seem to have a post on this every OT day and it always makes me sad. Just because you don't like other peoples kids doesn't mean you shouldn't have your own. It's an entirely personal choice and some of us moms are not the types that were googly eyes about babies and kids - I really do not like kids. I love my own kids, but other peoples kids? heck no... I'm the mom that never lets their kids have playdates over LOL - well not never but it has to be a kid I like or can tolerate for an hour or two. My worst nightmare is a "house full of kids". I got pregnant when I was 32, DH and i decided to "try"... and low and behold were pregnant within 3 months with twins. HOLY NIGHTMARE!

    But you know what? when they are your own kids... it's different. It just is. And they will be not babies forever. I do not like babies, never played with baby dolls, never baby sat, but they are only babies for a year or two. I survived baby and toddlerhood with my twins, and now i have 9 yr olds who I love with all my heart and truly love to be around. And every year it gets more fun in different ways.

    So why do people always feel the need to either bash those with kids or bash those without? it's your choice entirely. What makes me sad is when you entirely close yourself off to the idea based on not liking babies. Trust me, there's alot of folks out there that don't like babies - who does?? Doesn't mean you won't be a great mom and raise amazing kids. But if you don't want them, don't have them... simple as that.

    ETA I love the comment about women in H/J land wanting babies for little kids on ponies. Well i have to tell you, I would rather watch my daughter ride than ride myself... so I guess that's right! It's GREAT fun being able to share a love of horses with your child.



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